BREAKING NEWS

Monday, February 28, 2011

Child’s Death in Chuck E. Cheese’s Ticket Blaster Causes Outrage Among Area Parents

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- Chuck E. Cheese’s is a chain of pizza restaurants and arcades, which have become popular locations for children’s birthday parties. And though the company’s slogan touts it as a place “where a kid can be a kid,” the death of a child this weekend in the Ticket Blaster Experience has caused angry parents to take to the streets of Bennington Vale, waving signs that read “Where a Kid Can be a Corpse.”

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Tweeting the Oscars

Yes, we're tweeting the Oscars live for as long as we can stand it. Would've been earlier, but had some trouble at the McDonald's drive through.

http://twitter.com/#!/benningtonvale

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Rare San Francisco Snow and Newspaper Misprints Attract Gangs to City

SAN FRANCISCO, Calif. -- Below average temperatures and powerful winter storms brought a rare snowfall to the City by the Bay this weekend. High elevations in San Francisco saw dustings of snow late Friday, marking the first time flakes have fallen since 1976, when Harvey Milk’s Gay Day Parade and Elvis Presley’s appearance at the Cow Palace brought masses of unwashed, dandruff-ridden hippies to the area.

However, police are warning gleeful residents to exercise caution before taking to the icy streets in celebration. Misprints and humorous headlines in several local papers, although well intentioned, have unwittingly attracted gangs to the city.

One paper ran the headline “City Powders its Nose after Finding Surprise Shipment of Fresh Snow.” A second paper announced that the city’s mayor was “seen openly pushing snow.” And another referred to the powder on the ground as “Jack Frost’s Nose Candy.” The humor was lost on several gangs from nearby Oakland, who infiltrated metropolitan areas of the city Saturday to appraise the “street value” of the snow, according to police intelligence.

Residents should avoid suspicious looking individuals or groups of people in gang attire who are either snorting snow directly off the ground or packaging it in baggies to sell.

Friday, February 25, 2011

“Two and a Half Men” Cancelled, Charlie Sheen Pitches New Show

HOLLYWOOD, Calif. -- Charlie Sheen, star of the confusingly successful “Two and a Half Men” attacked the producers and creators of the show during a radio interview, prompting CBS to cancel filming for the rest of the season. To fans of quality television, news of the show’s suspension came with sighs of relief. However, for regular CBS viewers, the announcement has led to tears, rage, protests, and even intimations of suicide popping up on Twitter and Facebook sites.

San Narciso County Republicans Defend Accusations of “War on Women”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- A series of proposed federal policies and laws, viewed by Democrats and progressives as overtly misogynistic, are currently being considered for local ballot initiatives by prominent San Narciso County Republicans. Responding to the backlash from the small number of liberals in the area, particularly recent high school graduates in Bennington Vale, GOP leaders are reaching out to the wider constituency to explain the motives behind the legislative initiatives and recapture support for their passage.

Carlisle Olden-Whitely, chairman of San Narciso’s foremost conservative political action committee -- Association of Republican Seniors, Wives, Young Professionals and Entrepreneurs (ARSWYPE) -- responded to the ten concerns raised.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Space Shuttle Discovery’s Last Launch - NASA Dismantles Sound Stages, Ends Expensive Hoax

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- Heralding the end of scientific exploration, a significant win for neo-conservatives, Space Shuttle Discovery embarked on its last “voyage” Thursday afternoon. The event marked Discovery’s 39th and final “flight” to the “International Space Station.” To commemorate the end of an era of “astrophysics” and pioneering “scientific achievement,” NASA streamed video of the “launch” live across YouTube and the Playstation 3 Home network for the first time in history. Agency officials begrudgingly admitted that they no longer had the resources or funds to continue creating the elaborate illusion that traveling beyond the earth’s atmosphere was possible.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Trailer for "E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial" Sequel Leaked

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- The long -awaited sequel to "E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial" may just be a reality. Today, Hollywood insiders obtained a copy of the film's trailer, which they've leaked to the press. While little is known about the complete storyline, it would appear to be much darker. Amazingly, all of the original actors have been reunited for this overdue update to one of America's most beloved films. Bruce Willis and Morgan Freeman also appear.

Obama Declares Defense of Marriage Unconstitutional, Signals Beginning of the End for Humanity

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Attorney General Eric Holder issued a statement today announcing that the Department of Justice will no longer defend the constitutionality of the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA), signed into law by President Bill Clinton in 1996. Because President Obama believes that gays suffer continued discrimination, and because historic laws pertaining to gay rights and the classification of sexual orientation have received only cursory review, they deserve a higher level of protection than currently exists. Holder and Obama, also a lawyer, both believe that the section of DOMA that bars legally married gay couples from federal recognition does not meet this higher level of scrutiny.

The announcement is big news for members of  the GLBT community, who have expressed disappointment with the administration’s lackluster efforts to safeguard and enforce their civil liberties. But conservative sociologists point out that Obama’s decision is a dangerous step toward destroying the human race.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Barbara Walters and Jessica Hahn’s War of Words Turns “The View” into “The Jerry Springer Show”

NEW YORK, N.Y. -- All this week, the cast of “The View” is hosting a rogue’s gallery of people who achieved celebrity by way of their dubious and sometimes criminal acts. On February 22, the ladies of daytime television welcomed Jessica Hahn, the infamous mistress of fallen televangelist Jim Bakker. In 1987, Bakker admitted that had he bribed Hahn to maintain her silence over the affair. In 1988, following a 16-month Federal grand jury probe, Bakker was indicted on eight counts of mail fraud, 15 counts of wire fraud and one count of conspiracy, for which he was sentenced to 45 years in prison.

Despite the intrigue and scandal surrounding the Bakker family, host Barbara Walters, ever the firebrand, chose not to discuss the televangelist during the interview, and instead seized an opportunity to chastise Hahn for her part in the tryst. But when Hahn turned the tables on Walters, a feud to rival any episode of Jerry Springer’s outrageous sideshow erupted.

Monday, February 21, 2011

The Monkees to Reunite and Tour Europe in Advance of “Rock Band -- The Monkees” Release

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- In a surprise announcement Monday, three of the founding members of the original Monkees -- Davey Jones, Micky Dolenz and Peter Tork -- told the press that they will start a 10-gig reunion tour around the United Kingdom beginning in Liverpool, May 12. The fourth member, Michael Nesmith, will not be participating in the tour. Nesmith, heir to the Liquid Paper fortune, is rumored to have chronic sinus problems from years of inhaling the correctional fluid. Sources claim that he remains unable to stand, sing or focus on his surroundings for a prolonged period of time.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Golf Channel Removes Reporter Jim Gray from Assignment after Fight with Bobby Brown

LOS ANGELES, Calif. -- The Golf Channel has pulled reporter Jim Gray from his assignment covering the Northern Trust Open. Gray, who has had problems in the past arguing with athletes, was removed from duty after starting a fight with Dustin Johnson’s caddie, Bobby Brown. This is also not the first time that former singer and notorious drug addict Bobby Brown has found himself involved in altercations.

Following Wisconsin Protests, Georgia Public Schools Seek Reform -- Spurred by Alan Jackson’s Problem with World Geography

MADISON, Wis. -- As many schools in Wisconsin remained closed for the third straight day, and as protesters packed the Capitol hallways, Republican lawmakers continued to push legislation that would slash collective bargaining rights for public workers. Democrats, along with the thousands of workers, oppose the bill, which would limit collective bargaining for state employees and teachers to base wages, while also requiring them to pay more for pensions and health care.

With President Obama recently unveiling his platform to bolster academic success and strengthen America’s failing educational system, Wisconsin illustrates the political and economic challenges facing vital public services that the GOP seeks to cut. Despite the grim developments, however, schools in Georgia are poising themselves for massive overhauls, inspired by a local celebrity’s ignorance of geography.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Misunderstood Call to Close U.S. Borders Leads to Bookstore Chain Bankruptcy

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- Immigration control and border security, particularly between the United States and Mexico, have been issues of heated debate for decades. However, it was during the administration of George W. Bush that the topic took on new life with various propositions to increase security, which included vigilante groups patrolling the areas, consideration of a fence along the southern part of the country, and Arizona’s controversial immigration law, recently instituted under Governor Jan Brewer.

Unfortunately, Brewer’s attempts to curb illegal immigration -- combined with DHS Secretary Janet Napolitano’s enhanced counter-terrorism tactics and the Republican Party’s incessant calls to close the borders -- have produced unintended consequences. As a result of a gross misunderstanding, a bankruptcy judge today approved the closure of 200 Borders bookstores across the nation.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Natalie Munroe Blog Controversy Sparks Area School District Policy Reform

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- Pennsylvania school teacher Natalie Munroe was suspended last week for posting derisive and occasionally profane critiques of her students on a personal blog. Munroe has fired back at the school district, citing both a violation of her First Amendment rights and the district’s absence of an Internet policy to deter blogging of this nature. Munroe states that she neither used her full name on the site nor published the names of the school or its students. In the wake of the controversy, the San Narciso County School District has implemented a spartan “no tolerance” policy for similar blogs, and three teachers have already been suspended.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Watson Competes Against Humans on “Jeopardy!” to Salvage IBM’s Reputation after 1996 Deep Blue Embarrassment

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- IBM’s Watson computer, an advanced artificial intelligence system, will be competing against human trivia masters this week on “Jeopardy!” Still bitter over chess champion Garry Kasparov’s 1996 win against a predecessor, Deep Blue, IBM sees this as an opportunity to prove once and for all that computers are superior to their human overlords, and should rule the universe.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Single on Valentine’s Day? Special Events for the Lovelorn

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- Alone on Valentine’s Day and not sure what to do? If you live in Bennington Vale and you fall into that odd one percent of the city’s unwed yet heterosexual residents, then February 14 can present an understandably bleak outlook. Fortunately, we at The Bennington Vale Evening Transcript have reached out across the community to find some lovely things to fill in that hole where your heart should have been. It’s better than sticking your head in an oven, we promise.

Reporter Serene Branson Says She Didn’t Have a Stroke and Feels Blerasdjkdfhjdfueasfrkvert

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- Local KCBS reporter Serene Branson sparked a viral Web sensation as a result of lapsing into a 10-second stream of gibberish during her live post-Grammy Award report outside Los Angeles’ Staples Center on Sunday night. Social media sites, blogs, and various press outlets jumped on the apparent gaffe, speculating that Branson had suffered a minor stroke or seizure. Immediately after realizing Branson was struggling, CBS cut the broadcast and paramedics responded, though Branson was not hospitalized.

On Monday, she denied allegations that medical problems or impairing substances were responsible for her on-air out-of-body experience. But while countless theories abound, doctors at San Narciso College’s School of Medicine believe a connection exists between Branson’s aphasia and Caitlin Upton’s similarly bizarre answer to a geography question during the 2007 Miss South Carolina Teen pageant, which generated the same Internet fervor. They cite a rare derivation of petit mal seizure specific to the entertainment industry, known as “Brady Syndrome.”

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Hosni Mubarak Resigns, Inspiring Sociologist to Coin “Bartleby’s Law”

CAIRO, Egypt -- Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak stunned and disappointed hundreds of thousands of protesters Thursday when he announced that he would not be stepping down, but would instead transfer the powers of his office to the vice president. Mubarak has ruled the country for over a generation and, according to millions of young Egyptians, has denied his people many of the rights and civil liberties enjoyed in Western nations. In the original story carried by The Bennington Vale Evening Transcript, those close to Mubarak claimed that he responded to calls for his resignation -- and then demands for an explanation of why he failed to tender one -- with the phrase “I’d prefer not to.”

Ironically, Hosni Mubarak found himself out of a job Friday after the vice president begged him to remain in power. Mubarak, again, replied, “I’d prefer not to.”

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Egyptian President and Former Scrivener Hosni Mubarak Prefers Not to Resign

CAIRO, Egypt -- President Hosni Mubarak refused to step down Thursday despite intimations to the contrary. He said in a nationally televised speech that he would assign the tasks of president to his vice president, a move sanctioned by the country’s constitution, but the decision drew outrage and confusion from hundreds of thousands of protesters who have been calling for the authoritarian leader’s ouster. After the speech, however, Mubarak became aloof and mysterious, and in a bizarre twist began responding to questions by saying only, “I’d prefer not to.”

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

NY Jets Quarterback Mark Sanchez Says 17-Year-Old Girlfriend Eliza Kruger Has Never Worked in a Mine

NEW YORK, N.Y. -- New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez has set a new record -- or new low, depending on your outlook -- for the outspoken football team, which has been battling the personal demons of several pivotal members throughout the 2010 season. Sanchez is dating a 17-year-old girl named Eliza Kruger, seven years his junior. Prior to this sexually charged controversy, coach Rex Ryan was confronted by reporters about leaked foot fetish videos featuring he and his wife, Michelle. The league had also launched an investigation into whether a Jets player harassed reporter Ines Sainz during a practice. Sanchez personally refuted the latter charge by saying that Sainz “was too old for any of us to be interested in. Didn’t happen.”

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Palin’s Calls for Execution Drive Julian Assange into Hiding

LONDON, U.K. -- Julian Assange, the elusive and enigmatic figure behind WikiLeaks, has once again gone into hiding from the Swedish authorities who are pursing him for alleged sex crimes. Assange’s attorney Bjorn Hurtig said his client had removed himself from public gatherings over fears of being killed by U.S. forces.

“There were a lot of threatening statements made by politicians in the U.S., particularly Sarah Palin. You should keep in mind that during this period I’ve known Julian, he has actually received death threats in the media...that he should be given the death sentence,” Hurtig said via an interpreter in court on Tuesday. “Mrs. Palin hunts wild dogs from aircraft. What’s to say she won’t fly over to Europe and attack my client? As a consequence of this, Julian was duly worried.”

President Obama Quits Smoking and Threatens Collapse of Vital American Industry

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- According to a statement issued Tuesday by first lady Michelle Obama, President Obama has kicked his inconsistent smoking habit, and has not indulged in cigarettes for over a year. Sources inside the White House claim that Mr. Obama’s decision to quit tobacco came after daughters Malia and Sasha asked, “You don’t smoke, do you, Dad? You’re not going to turn orange from cigarettes and cry a lot like John Boehner, are you?”

Since that conversation, Mr. Obama has committed himself to ending his reliance on cigarettes with the same zeal that Mr. Boehner displays in committing himself to their continued use.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Complete 405 Freeway Closures Scheduled, Regular Commuters May Not Notice the Difference

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- The San Diego Freeway (I-405) will be completely closed down Wednesday and Thursday nights, following several evenings of partial closure, as part of a three-and-a-half-year, $277-million project to bring the freeway’s capacity to 1997 population levels. Caltrans officials say that with the complex, overly bureaucratic contracting standards, it can take more than a decade to build out highway lanes to accommodate increases in both population and traffic.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Scientists Discover Medical Link to SIDS -- Not the Demon Lilith

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- After two decades of work, doctors and medical researchers in the United States believe they have evidence that abnormally low levels of serotonin -- a chemical in the brain that helps control breathing during sleep -- plays a pivotal role in causing sudden infant death syndrome. This discovery completely flies in the face of conventional Judeo-Christian wisdom, which has attributed the unexplained death of otherwise healthy infants to attacks by the Mesopotamian storm demon, Lilith.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Experts Report Gullibility as Conclusive Sign of Homosexuality

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- Earlier this week, liberal talk show host Rachel Maddow mistakenly reported a story from a satire Web site as true. Christwire.com is a site devoted to mocking conservative Christians and other American patriots by publishing complete falsehoods and lies. However, there are no prominent disclaimers on the site informing readers that the stories are parody or satire, so it is unknown if the publishers deliberately intend to deceive their readers or if publishing malicious slander cannot legally be considered humor.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Enraged Mob of Frozen Americans Kill Groundhog After False Prediction

PUNXSUTAWNEY, Pa. -- As the Midwest braces for a series of powerful winter storms that could bring more than 18 inches of snowfall and winds strong enough to cripple travel, millions of desperate Americans turned to a fabled groundhog for an Obama-esque sign of hope that the winter will be short and bearable. But the annual Groundhog’s Day event, normally an excuse for revelry and honoring the kitsch traditions of the region’s European settlers, turned ugly after crowds disputed the rodent weatherman’s prediction.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Barbara Bush Endorses Marriage Equality and the End of Humankind

NEW YORK, N.Y. -- Barbara Bush, daughter of former President George W. Bush, released a video Tuesday in which she endorsed same sex marriage, a viewpoint in stark contrast to her father’s. As president, George Bush pushed for an amendment to ban same sex marriage.

The online video, sponsored by the Human Rights Campaign, is part of the organization’s “New Yorkers for Marriage Equality” campaign, which features other prominent political figures speaking in favor of marriage equality. In the video, Barbara Bush said, “New York is about fairness and equality, and everyone should have the right to marry the person that they love.”

 
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