Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Clint Eastwood's Obsession with Invisible People in Empty Chairs Drives Wife to Therapy

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Entertainment media reported last Thursday that Dina Eastwood, star of the E! reality series "Mrs. Eastwood and Company," had checked herself into an Arizona care facility for depression and anxiety. Dina is the wife of acclaimed actor, director and producer Clint Eastwood, who is best known for his intense and edgy performances in films such as "Revenge of the Creature," "Francis in the Navy," "The First Traveling Saleslady," "Escapade in Japan," "Breezy" and "Casper." Relatives emphasized that Mrs. Eastwood, 47, is not undergoing treatment for substance abuse. On Tuesday, a spokesperson for the family officially announced that Dina is seeking therapy to help her cope with Clint's increasingly erratic and delusional behavior -- in particular, his obsession with invisible people in empty chairs.

Monday, April 29, 2013

Westboro Baptist Church Forms Basketball Team to Protest NBA

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The professional sports establishment has been an influential force for breaking down barriers over the years. The most obvious being the race barrier. But on Monday, NBA center Jason Collins shattered one of the final impediments when he announced his homosexuality, becoming the first openly gay male athlete to do so while being active in a major team sport. Other players have waited until their retirements to reveal their sexual orientations. Public reactions to Collins' disclosure spanned all ends of the spectrum, from support to condemnation. And not surprisingly, leaders of the Westboro Baptist Church -- the Almighty's constant gardeners, who root out the sinful weeds of homosexuality wherever they take hold -- were there. The extremist Christian sect said it will launch its most elaborate protest yet -- by forming its own pro basketball team.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Iran's Time Machine Prototype Hits Store Shelves This Summer

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On April 11, Iran's state-run news agency, Fars, announced that one of the country's leading scientists had mastered the metaphysical enigmas of time travel. Ali Razeghi, managing director of the country's Centre for Strategic Inventions, claimed to have developed a device capable of traversing the fourth dimension, which can be stored handily in a "personal computer case." Unfortunately, construction of the unit ran into the same setbacks as Iran's failed endeavors to build intercontinental ballistic missiles. But after nearly two frenzied weeks of redesign, the Centre unveiled a working prototype that will hit store shelves this summer.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

CNN Admits Accessing AP Twitter Feed, Denies Hacking Allegations

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The main Twitter account of the Associated Press (AP) was compromised Tuesday when alleged hackers posted a tweet about an implied terrorist attack on the White House. The message said President Obama had sustained injuries after two explosions erupted from 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. The spurious tweet panicked Wall Street investors and briefly sent stocks tumbling. Shortly after the FBI opened an investigation into the incident, the Syrian Electronic Army (SEA) took credit for hijacking the news cooperative's accounts. Authorities, however, could not corroborate the SEA's claims. On Wednesday, embarrassed representatives from CNN admitted that they had accessed the Twitter feed to help the AP break an "important developing story from a variety of reliable sources." CNN denied accusations of hacking or intentionally reporting falsehoods.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Cuisinart and Home Depot Enjoy Sales Increases as Demand for Pressure Cooker Bombs Soars

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- As the contentious gun rights debate rages through the chambers of Congress, a fringe group of weapons owners worries that new regulations could stifle their Second Amendment freedoms. Aldous Farstly, chief executive officer for the National Organization of Bomb Smiths (NOBS), cautions his cadre of bomb enthusiasts to stockpile supplies before "socialist lawmakers" clamp down on retailers such as Home Depot, RadioShack and Sears, which provide key parts for homemade explosive devices. But in the race to strip store shelves of pressure cookers, nails and other impoverished shrapnel, NOBS members will have to compete with domestic terrorists who are joining the rush to assemble IEDs in the wake of the successful bombing attacks in Boston last week. For companies suffering through dwindling profits and forced closures, the influx of new business is a welcome relief.

Friday, April 19, 2013

CNN Names All Marathon Attendees and Spectators as Suspects in Boston Bombings

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Wednesday, amid a flurry of conflicting media reports, the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) derided several press outlets for their unvetted, inaccurate, and conjecture-based reporting of suspects in custody. The New York Post, Fox News, and CNN all claimed that individuals connected with the bombings had been arrested or held for questioning. The Post infamously crossed a line when it wrote that a 20-year-old Saudi national had been detained, seemingly without any proof beyond a random photograph and a bystander's comment. Every allegation published was refuted by investigators, with the Boston police commissioner clarifying that nobody was in custody at that time. After walking back many of its claims, CNN attempted to defend the press on Friday, blaming the confusion on the unprecedented volume of photos and videos submitted by everyday folks, who now serve as the network's primary reporting sources. And in the interest of responsible journalism, CNN then named all 100,000 plus attendees at the event as suspects in the case.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Embarrassed Terror Groups Shamefully Admit No Connection to Boston Attacks

Confused Taliban fighter (AP)
SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Federal investigators continue to sift through an overabundance of photographic and video footage, conflicting media reports, and dead-end leads in their frustrating search to identify suspects linked to the bombings that devastated Boston on Monday. Intelligence chatter intercepted no insinuations or threats beforehand, which experts deemed unusual. Those responsible for detonating the explosive devices, made from pressure cookers and other household items, have stayed atypically silent. Traditionally, such actions would be attributed to militant outfits whose members would boast of their attacks. But the world's foremost terror groups begrudgingly denied any involvement in the plots, confessing only their embarrassment at being "shown up." Dozens of insurgents throughout the Middle East reportedly committed suicide after the announcements, unable to live with the shame.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

NRA Says Boston Bombings Could Have Been Prevented if Marathon Were Biathlon

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Given the high alerts, enhanced security, and police presence at the 238th Boston Marathon, would anything have foiled the bomber who executed Monday's attacks and escaped undetected? According to a Southern California branch of the National Rifle Association (NRA), gun-toting athletes and responsible bomb owners could have deterred or prevented the tragedy. Conservatives embroiled in the ongoing gun rights debate emphasized that the hostilities in Boston reiterated the need for a heavily armed citizenry. Thorn Havershabe, head of the San Narciso County chapter of the NRA -- backed by local conservative politician F. Chester Greene -- urged lawmakers on Tuesday to enforce mandatory weapons ownership and carrying policies, extending to explosives. "Only good guys with bombs can stop bad guys with bombs," Havershabe tweeted. He also called on organizers to restructure the Boston Marathon and similar events into biathlons that would equip participants with high-powered rifles.

Friday, April 12, 2013

New Twitter Service Revolutionizes Online Music with 10-Second Songs

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Twitter, the omnipresent social networking tool that perfectly integrates with our ADHD society, could roll out its much anticipated music service on Friday. On Thursday, Twitter confirmed its acquisition of We Are Hunted, a San Francisco-based music offering that tracks popular songs across the Internet and social media. The company had already been working on an app for Twitter, which was expected to be released this week to coincide with the 2013 Coachella music festival. One of the main features of Twitter's latest development is the system's ability to recommend songs and artists that cater to an individual's likely preferences, based on the accounts that user follows. But the music service's primary appeal, like Twitter's micro-blogging aspect, comes from its inherent limitations, according to company representatives: Twitter Music pares down songs to the few essential bars listeners want in today's busy world -- 9.6 seconds, to be precise.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

North Korea Nuke Confirmed but Apple Maps Guidance System More Worrisome

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Reading from a declassified section of the latest U.S. Defense Intelligence Agency report, Rep. Doug Lamborn (R-Colo.) revealed that North Korea may now have the capability to deliver a nuclear warhead on its ballistic missiles. Confirmation of the rogue nation's potential success in miniaturizing a nuclear device to fit on its rockets is an alarming and somewhat unexpected development. But more troubling, according to military experts, is Kim Jong-un's decision to use Apple Maps as the guidance system, making it virtually impossible for U.S., South Korean, and Japanese forces to predict the missiles' trajectories or destinations.

Monday, April 8, 2013

Following News of Thatcher and Funicello, Census Insider Reveals Shocking Truth: 150,000 Others Died Today

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- When it comes to the demise of public figures, popular mythology holds that their deaths happen in threes. Sometimes, less frequently, in fours. Such was the case these past few days, when the world lost sage film critic Roger Ebert, former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher, legendary Mouseketeer Annette Funicello and documentary filmmaker Les Blank. The outpouring of grief from millions of supporters underscores the lasting impressions these famous -- and sometimes infamous -- individuals left on the global community, while offering a poignant reminder of how precious one person's time on Earth can be. Four high profile deaths in about as many days can be a jarring reality check, psychologists say, bringing focus to the uncomfortable issue of mortality. For professional memorialists like Elton John, they can also mean a lot of unexpected work. Writing four new versions of "Candle in the Wind" will require burning that candle on both ends. But a rogue researcher from the U.S. Census Bureau revealed terrifying statistics on Monday, sure to rattle mourners overwhelmed by the celebrity obituaries that piled up this weekend: "More than four people died over the last few days. A lot more. And nobody's talking about it."

Thursday, April 4, 2013

North Korea Readies Missiles, Mistaking 'Iron Man' Premiere in Seoul for US Superweapon Display

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The premiere of "Iron Man 3" in Seoul could be this century's "shot heard round the world." South Korea's defense officials disclosed Thursday that North Korea has moved an arsenal of longer range missiles to its eastern shores in another bellicose overture toward the West. This action follows a series of blistering threats that Kim Jong-un has issued to the United States and its allies in recent weeks. Ironically, Pyongyang is now saying its actions are defensive and being undertaken to combat the "ever-escalating U.S. hostile policy towards the DPRK [North Korea] and its reckless nuclear threat."

Monday, April 1, 2013

Google Announces the End of Search, Its Latest Spring Cleaning Victim

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Last spring, to the dismay of many, Google retired several of its underperforming services as part of an initiative called "spring cleaning," establishing a disturbing trend of axing services that thousands of users depend on. Among the shuttered features were iGoogle and Google Mini. Other victims have included Google Desktop, Google Notebook, Sidewiki, and Aardvark. The company came under fire last month when it announced the imminent demise of Google Reader, the RSS feed aggregator launched in 2005. It's also doing away with Building Maker and Cloud Connect. On Monday, Google continued its belligerent slash-and-burn campaign by announcing the end of YouTube and, just hours ago, its flagship product: Search.

Steven Moffat Answers Burning Question After 50 Years: Doctor Who is God.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- This weekend brought scads of exciting news to fans of "Doctor Who," BBC's venerable, long-running science fiction franchise. Despite its inauspicious beginnings in 1963, when the premier of the series was overshadowed by the assassination of President Kennedy the day before, "Doctor Who" quickly captured the imagination of British viewers and built a global cult following. Now, as the show's Golden Anniversary approaches, executive producer and head writer Steven Moffat has given devout Whovians a lot more to celebrate with Monday's announcement of major developments. BBC executives promised that the groundbreaking news would be enough to make both hearts in a Time Lord's chest flutter. But if Moffat's leaks are to be believed, the answer to the 50-year-old question "Doctor Who?" might create a divisive and painful crisis of faith for religiously pious followers of the show.

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