Thursday, November 14, 2013

Racists Aren't Racist, Say Racists Richie Incognito and Richard Cohen

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Racists aren't actually racist, say two prominent racists embroiled in recent controversies over comments they made about people of varying ethnic and racial backgrounds. For the past week, Miami Dolphins guard Richie Incognito, whose public shaming has made him anything but incognito, has suffered at the epicenter of a scandal that involves allegations of hate speech beyond the already questionable hazing rituals in the world of professional sports. Then Richard Cohen, The Washington Post's reliably gauche and humorless columnist, candidly explored the "conventional" American's vomitous reaction to miscegenation, which endures in this century as a sort of societal emetic.

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Florida Men Invoke 'Stand Your Ground' and Zimmerman's 'Skittles Defense' in Halloween Shootings

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- George Zimmerman's fatal shooting of an unarmed teen named Trayvon Martin in 2012 sparked national outrage, a federal investigation, a reaffirmation of America's timeless love affair with the Second Amendment, and legal recognition, at least in the state of Florida, of candy as a legitimate threat to the nation's health, which must be put down through the exercise of extreme force. Zimmerman maintained that he gunned down Martin in self-defense, believing his life was in danger at the time the teen menacingly brandished a bag of candies and a dubious looking bottle of iced tea. A jury agreed and acquitted Zimmerman in July. On Wednesday, eight men invoked both the "Stand Your Ground" law and Zimmerman's "Skittles Defense" for their parts in the shooting of over 20 children on Halloween.

Monday, November 4, 2013

Sources Leak Rand Paul's Heartfelt Rebuttal of Plagiarism Charges

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Over the last week, the mainstream media has maliciously attempted to discredit presidential hopeful Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ky.) with claims that he plagiarized a number of speeches and entire sections of his books. Although Paul has responded with only terse denials and the suggestion that slander should be grounds for justifiable homicide under the rules of the duello, The Bennington Vale Evening Transcript has obtained an unreleased draft of a speech he is expected to give later this week. We are told this is not an apology, only a formal statement and defense on the matter.

Saturday, November 2, 2013

Tea Party Sponsored Haunted House Closed for Being Too Scary

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- For a third year consecutive Halloween, the San Narciso County Chamber of Commerce was forced to shutter the community’s annual Haunted House Spooktacular, which opened Thursday at 6:00 p.m. in the Lake Inverarity Social Hall. As in years past, the event drew more police and paramedics than Halloween thrillseekers in its three short hours of operation. Signs posted around the county by event organizer Francis Baldhamer warned: "If you can't afford to have your pants scared off, don't wear any!" While only a few inappropriate teens took Baldhamer's message at its word, the problems arose when parents failed to exercise caution by bringing along children under the age of 12. The theme for this year's event was "Death Panel: American Nightmares," a politically charged horrorshow that envisioned a chilling apocalypse of socialism and forced euthanasia unleashed by a mysterious Kenyan serving as a U.S. president.

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