Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Tea Party Group Attacks Memorial Day as Unpatriotic Mockery of Reagan’s Memory, Or Lack Thereof

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- In a startling political maneuver Monday, the San Narciso County chapter of the Tea Party -- the Association of Republican Seniors, Wives, Young Professionals and Entrepreneurs (ARSWYPE) -- filed a motion with officials to ban all future Memorial Day celebrations within county lines. Not until Tuesday did the group make public its reasoning behind the petition. Confusion over ARSWYPE’s motives overshadowed the remembrance ceremonies held at Lake Inverarity and Porpentine Mound Cemetery in Bennington Vale. But for all the theories offered, Carlisle Olden-Whitely, chairman of ARSWYPE, finally clarified his group’s intent: “ARSWYPE considers Memorial Day the most offensive affront to conservative icon Ronald Reagan, and it must be abolished.”

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

TSA Hires Business Executives to Teach Agents How to Grope Without Serious Repercussions

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Since the infamous 2010 groping incident involving Southern California resident John Tyner and the Transportation Security Administration (TSA), travelers have debated whether to continue moving about the Land of the Free by plane. Several civil liberties organizations at that time urged fliers to forgo air transit on the busiest travel days. Parents continue to bemoan the invasive imaging systems that display likenesses of their children nude, as well as TSA screeners who freely grope young boys and girls in line as part of enhanced “pat down” policies. To help stem the ongoing criticism and improve operations affecting travelers, U.S. security officials announced the creation of six positions to be filled by corporate executives who will advise the TSA on more efficient methods for groping, harassing and otherwise violating the personal space of others, with minimal repercussions.

Friday, May 16, 2014

FCC Votes to End the 'Electric Communism' of Net Neutrality

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In a devastating ruling Friday for proponents of “net neutrality,” the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) approved a set of rules that pave the way for “paid priority fast lanes,” despite protests and national dissent. The proposal, spearheaded by FCC Chairman Tom Wheeler, passed by a three-to-two majority within the commission. Opponents of the measure described the decision as alarming “for anyone who treasures a free and open Internet.” Those who support the proposal, such as former Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison (R-Texas) -- once Ranking Member on the Senate Commerce, Science, and Transportation Committee -- called the idea of equal access and open speech on the Internet an affront to civil liberties and free-market economies, coining the talking point “Electric Communism.”

Thursday, May 15, 2014

As Numbers of Gay Couples Rise, GOP Task Force Investigates Possible Detonation of Air Force 'Gay Bomb'

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Following Tuesday’s decision by U.S. District Judge Candy Dale to overturn Idaho’s ban on same-sex marriages, the number of states legally recognizing the rights of LGBT people to wed jumps to 19, a figure that incorporates the District of Columbia. Conservative members of Congress and their constituents have expressed outrage at the federal government’s nonchalant dismissal of traditional values. They also worry about the rising number of homosexuals cropping up in society. “Why are their numbers growing so rapidly and steadily, where are they coming from and what is responsible for creating them?” asked Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-Texas), who likened the gay plague sweeping across America to the Nazi conquest of Europe. Some believe homosexuals are aliens from another galaxy who arrived on Earth during the same cataclysmic event described in the cosmogony of Scientology. But a burgeoning faction of Congressional Republicans now suspect that someone, or something, may have detonated the U.S. Air Force’s infamous “gay bomb” within the last three years.

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

North Carolina Sociologist Suspects Clay Aiken Killed Rival Using Gay Alien Mind Powers

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Monday, officials in North Carolina announced the death of Keith Crisco, 71, who was Clay Aiken’s Democratic rival for the state’s congressional primary. Crisco narrowly trailed Aiken, but his death, called a “freak accident” by authorities, brought an end to a hotly contested race. Aiken, of “American Idol” notoriety, is not only politically inexperienced -- this election marks his first bid for public office -- he’s also an openly gay celebrity seeking to represent a district dominated by socially conservative, evangelical Christians, some of whom now suspect foul play in Crisco’s demise. “There’s a lot we don’t know about the gays and their gay powers,” one resident said. “You gotta wonder how a guy trips and kills himself walking through his door. Stuff like that never happened before the gays came.”

Monday, May 12, 2014

Following Vote for Independence, U.S. Chides Ukraine for Misunderstanding Definition of Independence

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Since the outbreak of civil unrest in Ukraine, already tenuous relations between the United States and Russia have worsened. Russia deployed troops and undertook annexation proceedings in Crimea while the United States and its allies decried the aggressive overtures, calling instead for freedom. The violence and bloodshed have shown no signs of abating, with many fearing the inevitability of outright civil war. Most recently, during the May 9 holiday, another 20 unarmed protesters were gunned down in the streets. On Monday, however, Eastern Ukrainians turned out in droves to support independence and self-rule in a referendum. Curiously, the vote for freedom unleashed waves of outrage from the United States and the U.S.-backed government in Kiev. State Department officials explained that Ukrainians “clearly misunderstood our definition of freedom -- which was that they were free to join the EU, not become completely sovereign or merge with Russia.”

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

NSA Criticizes Russia’s Restrictive ‘Bloggers Law’ for Stifling Intelligence Gathering

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Monday, Russian President Vladimir Putin inched closer to Soviet-era censorship by signing into law restrictive new controls for the country’s Internet. Political activists, Internet champions and free speech advocates attacked the decision, saying the government would be able to tighten the reins on any views it deemed dissenting. But Putin’s biggest criticism came from the United States. National Security Agency (NSA) officials called the law “immature, myopic and completely counterproductive to real intelligence gathering.”

Monday, May 5, 2014

Arizona Lawmakers Stun Nation with Massive Support for Cinco de Mayo Festivities

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Given the drastic legislation passed in recent years and the blatantly exclusionary rhetoric of Arizona lawmakers, the state’s wide embrace of Monday’s Cinco de Mayo festivities came as a surprise to many. In fact, most government agencies reported spending days preparing for parades, picnics, cultural exhibits and public displays of Mexican heritage. “With so many Mexicans infiltrating Arizona, especially around the Phoenix area, it shouldn’t surprise anyone that May 5 is a highly anticipated day of celebration,” Governor Jan Brewer said. “We couldn’t support this holiday enough. It’s a day for food, music, dancing, revelry and, coincidentally, our state’s new census. It’s a once-in-a-year opportunity to round everybody up and see just who’s who in our communities.”

Thursday, May 1, 2014

Panic Erupts as Malaysian Airlines Offers to Send Flight 370 Relatives Home Aboard Its Planes

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Thursday, after releasing a long-awaited report and audio records of communications between air traffic controllers and flight crews, Malaysian Airlines announced that it would be closing the assistance centers it sponsored for the relatives of passengers lost with Flight 370. Family members wailed and shouted at the news in Beijing’s Lido Hotel, where they had been hosted. For hundreds of anguished people, closure of the centers means an end to daily briefings. But the scene devolved from despair to tortured chaos when the airline told relatives it would be flying them back home aboard its planes.

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