Monday, October 31, 2016

Donald Trump Calls "Liberal" Haunted House Scariest in America


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- For a sixth horrifying year, the San Narciso County Chamber of Commerce will host the community’s annual Haunted House Spooktacular, which opens Monday at 6:00 p.m. in the Lake Inverarity Social Hall. In years past, the event has drawn more police and paramedics than Halloween thrill-seekers. The 2015 Spooktacular was shuttered after three short hours of operation. Problems arose when parents failed to exercise caution by bringing along children under the age of 12. The theme for last season’s ghastly tour was “Death Panel: American Nightmares,” a politically charged horror show that envisioned a chilling apocalypse of socialism and forced euthanasia unleashed by a mysterious Kenyan serving as a U.S. president. Undaunted, the Chamber of Commerce will push forward this week with a new attraction that White House hopeful Donald Trump has deemed the scariest, most prophetic nightmare any conservative will experience this All Hallow’s Eve -- especially those who cherish family values, Jesus, patriotism and legal citizenship.

Friday, October 28, 2016

Halloween Safety Tips for County Residents


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- This weekend through Monday, many neighborhoods in the county will receive ghostly visitors in the form of trick-or-treaters. Bennington Vale and Santa Calcetines will likely host the lion’s share of these candy seeking goblins. Halloween should be a spooky, thrilling and safe holiday. For that reason, the San Narciso Police Department is reminding residents that continuing illicit Halloween traditions can be dangerous and may result in jail time. Some individuals, in past All Hallow’s Eve celebrations, have engaged in dangerous behaviors that include “hogging,” hamster juggling (a zero-tolerance offense) and the reprehensible creation of “jack-ov-lanterns” -- a sick practice started two years ago by Russian exchange students that involves bodily defiling pumpkins, which will be considered a biohazard and a flagrant act of terrorism. Following is a complete list of Do’s and Don’ts to ensure that you have the best Halloween ever!

Thursday, October 27, 2016

Trump Pledges End to Halloween Handout Culture

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Why do we continue to glorify a holiday that rewards filthy beggars? It’s the question Donald Trump now wants answered. Halloween, to most families, is a jovial celebration of the harvest -- an innocent day of mirth, confections and good-natured displays of dress-up. But to Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump, the day has become a truly horrifying affair. In his latest stump speech, Trump vowed to reform or end this “depraved welfare holiday,” which sends a terrifying message to impressionable youth: that our society will reward grubby, lazy moochers who are looking for handouts -- and that anyone with twenty dollars can purchase an insulting costume of Donald Trump and parade foolishly around town, slandering his impeccable reputation.

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Leaked Clinton Emails Expose More Shocking Details on Eve of Her Birthday


Happy birthday, Hillary Clinton. Rest in peace, America.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Tuesday evening, analysts discovered shocking new secrets in the trove of Clinton emails uncovered by Wikileaks. Wednesday, October 26, for example, was revealed to be Mrs. Clinton’s birthday. And the accompanying celebratory messages, well wishes and gift lists illustrate not just Hillary’s favorite things, but what a significant danger she is to American democracy.

Monday, October 24, 2016

Apple’s iPhone8 Revealed: A Radical, Unexpected Redesign

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On the tenth anniversary of the original iPhone, Apple is poised to disrupt the industry again -- with a smart device that allows real-time, bi-directional communication. Apple plans to unveil a completely redesigned model to honor the product that ignited a mania that’s gripped this nation ever since. Not only has the appearance been dramatically overhauled, the next generation model promises users an unexpected and radical surprise in core functionality. Tim Cook, the company’s CEO, has fought an uphill battle to maintain the powerful momentum fueled by the vision of Steve Jobs. On Monday, he tentatively announced a breakthrough that even test subjects couldn’t foresee. “The new iPhone 8 will revolutionize the way lifestyle devices connect us to our world,” Cook said. “Forget social media and digital messaging. This new prototype will allow you to speak directly to any person by simply entering a 10-digit identification code.”

Thursday, October 20, 2016

Final Presidential Debate: Monster Cereal Mascots Polling Higher Than Trump


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Wednesday evening brought to a close the series of presidential debates for the upcoming election in November. Our staff covered the event live on social media, posting from a rented trailer parked at a seedy KOA lot behind Circus Circus. The debate opened with what seemed a paid, hour-long advertisement from the Las Vegas Chamber of Commerce. It quickly degenerated into one of the most cringe-worthy displays of aphasia, pique, pandering and open misogyny from the embattled Republican candidate. Following are highlights of the debate. If there is a defining sentiment that encapsulates the performance, our reporters summarized it this way: “You know what they say, what happens in Vegas...well, it would be awesome if it could just stay in Vegas.”

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Trump Surprisingly Endorses Clinton’s Mandatory Sex Change Plan


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In what sounds like a page from dystopian fiction, conservative columnist David Horowitz speculated that a Hillary Clinton presidency would lead to “mandated sex change operations.” In Horowitz’s bizarre and inexplicable rant, he warned that Clinton could impose these procedures as early as 2020. The proposal sent shockwaves of consternation through conservative channels, but Donald Trump admitted that he endorses the policy: “If Hillary is set on turning girlie men into actual girls, it’s a great plan. A terrific plan.”

Monday, October 17, 2016

Pence Buys Sex Doll for Trump to Safely Sate His Predatory Tendencies


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The rift between Donald Trump and Republicans continues to widen. Not only has the GOP presidential nominee launched relentless attacks targeting House Speaker Paul Ryan, he has frequently dismissed or countered statements by his running mate, Gov. Mike Pence (R-Ind.). The beleaguered vice presidential candidate appears to be foundering in his efforts to stave off Trump’s verbal and sexual assaults against women. The tactics of evading the issue or redirecting conversations to national security have done little to assuage critics. In a last-ditch move to placate Trump’s unsavory urges, Pence has reportedly purchased a custom-made RealDoll, the lifelike sex toy that replicates the physical dimensions and aesthetics of a woman. Spokespeople for Pence defended the unorthodox decision as a way for Trump to act out his predatory tendencies without actually assaulting women, or raping teenage girls.

Friday, October 14, 2016

Pence Unveils Strategy to Downplay Trump’s Misogyny: Terror, ISIS, Death


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Mike Pence is experimenting with a new PR approach to downplay Trump’s derogatory views on women: redirect all questions to terrorism. On Friday, reporters spoke to the vice presidential candidate about his running mate’s misogynistic behavior. An 11-year-old girl, they said, confessed her pain over Trump’s disrespectful comments about women, which the GOP nominee has brushed off as “locker room” banter. Pence responded by assuring the girl, and women everywhere, that the Trump campaign is committed -- committed to ending terrorism. Having no arrows in his quiver with which to protect Trump’s ruined reputation, Pence adopted a new strategy of pivoting to remarks about national security. We interviewed the candidate to learn more about the campaign’s shift in focus. Following is a transcript. (Note: Representatives for Pence vehemently denied his participation in the conversation).

Thursday, October 13, 2016

Trump to Testify in Child Rape Charge, Dismisses Incident as “Locker Room Antics”


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- As Donald Trump’s campaign continues to implode in a never-ending stream of misogynistic and racist rhetoric, the apologies for which often seem worse, the Republican presidential candidate may have new woes to face during the holidays. A seat on the dock awaits Trump, as he will be forced to testify in a lawsuit alleging that he raped a teenage girl at a party in 1994. The case actually had been submitted three times before, but the court dismissed the filings because of clerical errors -- possibly due to the young victim writing her grievance in crayon. The latest batch of documents passed muster, however, and a date has been set for mid December. Trump immediately insinuated that the charges were part of the insidious war on Christmas and denied any wrongdoing. His attorney, Alan Garten, called the accusations “reckless, irresponsible and categorically untrue.” He said Mr. Trump would not be commenting further, “because it gives credibility.” Interestingly, such statements would mark the first time Trump said anything credible.

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Trump Attends and Endorses Controversial Columbus Day Event


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- This Monday, many U.S. citizens paid tribute to the day when indigenous native Americans discovered an inept Italian adventurer lost at sea with a small fleet of Spanish ships. That navigationally challenged captain was Christopher Columbus, whose voyage to India landed him in North America on October 12, 1492. In San Narciso County, the annual Columbus Day reenactment ceremonies have bolstered the local economy with an influx of Southern Californians who gather at the Battersea Field in Kinneret to enjoy a variety of beverages, delicacies and the Integration of the Indigenous Peoples commemoration. Every year, demonstrators -- primarily historians from the college -- attempt to protest the ceremony. However, after learning that Donald Trump would be attending the festivities, Mayor Manny DiPresso increased security and issued warnings that all women actors dressed as squaws wear long, fully closed costumes in lieu of revealing loincloths.

Monday, October 10, 2016

Trump’s Second Debate Also Plagued by Mic Problems: Only Nonsense and Hate Came Out

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump faced his worst nightmare Sunday evening: two women and an openly gay man telling him to stop talking. The second presidential debate, within moments of kicking off, found Hillary Clinton and the event’s moderators strafed by a hostile and incessant blast of salvos from Trump. Complicating the appearance was Trump’s unnerving, predatory posturing throughout the town hall-style interaction. The intimidating experience recalled elements of the first debate, but with a greater sense of existential dread, unqualified claims, blatant falsehoods and unrestrained invectives. Of course, Trump’s advisers offered up rehearsed excuses, with his campaign manager going so far as to anticipate problems and tweet a preemptive apology. Still, fascinating as it seems, the Commission on Presidential Debates (CPD) again confirmed problems with Trump’s microphone.

Trump Plagued by History of Problems with His Equipment

This time, the issues did not arise from a rogue artificial intelligence program as in the first round of talks, CPD officials stated.

“The device was inherently defective this time; nothing came out of it but hate, nonsense, ignorance and garbage,” a CPD analyst revealed. “You could chalk it up to bad luck, but in talking with Mr. Trump’s past spouses and lovers, we learned that he has a history of malfunctioning and substandard equipment.”

Investigators with the commission, in cooperation with Washington University staff, blamed poorly adjusted volume control and sound engineering. Many of Trump’s responses were unintelligible and muffled. Only words such as “hate,” “ISIS,” “China,” “locker room,” “rape” and “grab them by the p***y” were picked up clearly by the device. Another complication, according to the CPD, sprang from faulty wiring in the mic, which sent an ongoing series of electric shocks through Trump’s body.

“You could tell Mr. Trump was enduring extreme physical discomfort,” the analyst explained. “Notice his aggressive pacing around the the stage, like a starving shark looking for chum. His jerky and almost drunken gait. The infantile tantrums. The irritability in his voice and demeanor. And even that time he humped the chair. These were all clear indicators that Trump was struggling. We’re impressed that he persevered and refused to quit, no matter how frightening, juvenile or ridiculous he looked.”

After reviewing initial footage of Trump’s mic fitting, CPD officials speculated that Trump’s profuse sweating and inexplicable cataract of nasal drip may have shorted the wiring in his device.

Highlights from the Second Presidential Debate: Crazy Train Derails Near Crazy Town

Despite the ranting and accusatory nature of the debate, the topics presented a more focused examination of core issues: foreign affairs, terrorism, civil rights and social reform chief among them. Following are highlights from our reporters, who covered the event live from their homes in order to drink heavily without embarrassment or reprisals from the usual crowd at the sports bar of Piers Addleson’s Pea House.

TRUMP described Iran as the number one terrorist state in the world -- a country, unlike North Korea, without validated nuclear weapons production, or a country, unlike the United States, with no ties to al Qaeda. Iran also fiercely opposes ISIL. Trump countered criticisms by telling media that he has actionable intelligence on the matter.

“I know Iran’s the number one terror state,” he said. “I know, and I have intelligence. It’s good intelligence, it’s the best intelligence, and if you saw it you’d understand, and you’d say, ‘Donald, that’s great intelligence and Iran is the biggest threat in the world.’ And when I’m president, I’ll show it to you all.”

TRUMP: “You have ISIS chopping off heads and people being drowned in steel cages.” As we’ve learned, you also have Donald Trump grabbing those p***ies.

TRUMP’s avowed doctrine of “knocking the hell out of ISIS” and grabbing genitals is a unique foreign policy, to say the least.

TRUMP spent the first half of the debate expressing his disgust and abhorrence for ISIS, though he evidently shares their unflattering views of womenfolk.

GOP insiders suspect that Trump may appoint disgraced Stanford swimming champ Brock Turner to head his women’s outreach program. Turner is otherwise unemployable, and he’s intimately versed in reaching out to, and inside of, women.

TRUMP’s attorneys admitted that Rob Ford may in fact have a position as Trump’s dealer. “Trump got extra COKED up for tonight’s debate,” one reporter wrote. “Like, a heroic dose of booger sugar that would make William Burroughs or Hunter S. Thompson faint.”

TRUMP, the man who pays no taxes, endorsed wasting taxpayer money on an expensive witch hunt to prosecute his political opponent, Hillary Clinton -- an announcement that made Joseph McCarthy, and Joseph Stalin for that matter, seem gentle by comparison.

BOTH CANDIDATES continued to evade the real security threat facing this country -- the spreading menace of Creepy Clowns.

TRUMP’s eerie proximity to Clinton unnerved audience members and viewers. “Like, you know, he’s moving to grab her p***y,” one reporter mentioned on Twitter.

ON ISLAM, Trump reinforced his stance on banning Muslims from the country, but proposed a scaled back approach that would supersede his initial plans of outright exclusion or deportation. Several considerations arose.

Despite Trump’s efforts to sell the novelty of his idea, we’ve seen similar reporting standards for certain religions before.

Trump called for “extreme vetting” rather than exile. Progressive voters immediately displayed their outrage and concerns about constitutionality across social media. However, Trump has a legal U.S. precedent from the George W. Bush administration, in the form of a tacitly tolerated policy known as “enhanced interrogation.”

Trump may have found an ingenious way to reopen Ellis Island, a lucrative real estate transaction that could surpass his previous deals, which historically ended in billion-dollar losses.

Trump lost ground when he updated an old racist joke from a generation ago. In this iteration, the American dream is a Mexican drug lord swimming back home with a Muslim under each arm.

ON RUSSIA, Trump adamantly denied having a relationship with Russian President Vladimir Putin, or of really knowing him. Facts aside, some political analysts believe Trump made an accurate remark, in a sense. They also hailed the moment as the saddest of the debate.

Behind closed doors with his private confidants, Trump has allegedly confessed: “I don’t know Putin. Not really know him, you know? When I say I don’t know him, I’m not saying I’m not acquainted with him, I’m saying I don’t know HIM -- the man behind the gorgeous muscles. Not truly. Because Vlad never looks me in the eyes when we make love.”

TRUMP urged Muslims to report people engaged in suspicious activities, as a way to build credibility in the country. Millions of Muslims heeded his advice and contacted Missouri authorities to report a lunatic running loose around Washington University. Millions of others filed complaints about a Creepy Clown spotted in the same area.

TRUMP’s erratic and uncomfortable movements culminated in him gripping the back of a chair like former coach Bobby Knight. Off mic, security personnel and Clinton handlers shouted for Hillary to “get the hell out of the way!”

TRUMP veered off script and began discussing business processes and economics, mostly targeting depreciation. At this point, the majority of Americans on social networks acknowledged that “we all depreciate you, Donald.”

TRUMP mused over the possibility of building casinos, which he believes may stop the bombings and Russian airstrikes in Syria.

ALEPPO: Gary Johnson was seen frantically pulling out his hair trying to understand how a popular dog food brand from the 1980s has become a pressing political issue.

TRUMP, when questioned about his running mate’s contradictory statements on Russia, exposed one of the most telling aspects of his relationship with Mike Pence: “He and I haven’t spoken, and I disagree.” To the dismay of conservative loyalists, it appears that Trump and Pence are already that estranged couple slogging through a marriage of livable hatred.

Pence was spotted hours later at an airport, trying to leave the country for Costa Rica in disguise. Security personnel noticed fresh bruises on Pence’s face, though the full extent of the damage was obscured by the wig and false beard. Through security camera footage, a TSA officer was heard asking Pence, “Did Donald do this to you?”

Sobbing, Pence replied, “Daddy hits me because he loves me.”

CLINTON remarked that psychologists and neurologists have already coined a term about the detrimental effects of Trump’s rhetoric on others. On Monday, the American Journal of Science enshrined the condition as PTTD: Post Traumatic Trump Disorder. About 30 percent of the nation’s population may be suffering the devastating effects without knowing it.

TRUMP provided the following detailed overview of his military strategy:

MARTHA RADDATZ, one of the moderators, censured the candidates for arguing over their positions instead of taking a question from the audience. In essence, Raddatz astutely illustrated how the campaigns have misrepresented proper U.S political processes, in which the federal government serves the needs of the people. The presidential candidates don’t want to hear from the public, Martha. That's not how modern politics work, duh.

TRUMP challenged Clinton’s ability to install effective new justices on the Supreme Court. He told voters that he has already selected 20 candidates, to demonstrate his commitment to these duties. Media watchdogs and political strategists revealed that all 20 of Trump’s SCOTUS picks were judges from beauty pageants. But respected judges in their idioms, nonetheless.

CLINTON clarified to the audience that she respects the Second Amendment, but really doesn’t like anything about it -- in the same manner workers must respect a horrible manager’s title and authority, even when they have no respect for the individual.

TRUMP accused Clinton of putting minors out of jobs. Most U.S. teens are too young to work legally, so this made little sense. (Update: Oh, MINERS. Sorry.)

At the close of the debate, citizens of the nation were reminded that this is one of the most consequential elections in history...with two of the most inconsequential candidates running.

(c) 2016. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. All articles are works of satire. See disclaimers.

Friday, October 7, 2016

Facebook Unveils Handheld Oculus Controllers Amid Backlash from Adult Video VR Users


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Two days after Google’s major product announcements on October 4, Facebook showed up to the party with its nearly forgotten Oculus Rift gear. In April 2014, Mark Zuckerberg unveiled plans to integrate the realm of virtual reality with social media. Now Facebook wants to double down on both. With a crowd of tech innovators hawking augmented reality offerings, the folks driving Oculus hope to distinguish their system by promoting more interactive experiences. So on December 6, Facebook will release Oculus Touch -- handheld controllers that allow gamers and other users to manipulate objects in their digitized worlds. What no one expected was the instant backlash. Aficionados of hardcore VR porn flooded Facebook with complaints. One in particular summed up the core issue: “What the hell? When I’m watching porn, I need a hands-free experience, Mark. Not another stick to control.”

Thursday, October 6, 2016

Pence Warns Hurricane Matthew Is Lord's Wrath, Calls for Sacrifice to Appease Angry God


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- As Hurricane Matthew roars across the Caribbean, leaving a body count of 113 in its wake, millions of Americans in the South are evacuating. The warnings from government leaders, weather agencies and media have been dire. The category 4 storm could increase to a 5 as it approaches Florida, with winds over 165 miles-per-hour. However, conservative pundits such as Matt Drudge and Rush Limbaugh are placing lives in jeopardy by downplaying the risks of the hurricane. The DrudgeReport has prominently discounted the threat as hype promoted by liberal politicians to overstate the effects of climate change. Yet in another awkward departure from extremist Republican talking points, vice presidential candidate Mike Pence called the danger real. “Gov. Pence doesn’t believe in man-made climate change,” a spokesperson said, “but he does believe in God, man’s choice to sin as a rump-lusting sodomite, and the Lord’s will to use every arrow in His quiver to wipe out that scourge.”

Wednesday, October 5, 2016

VP Debate Recap: Candidates Skirt Major Issues Such as Creepy Clowns


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The first and only debate between the 2016 vice presidential candidates took place Tuesday evening in Virginia. As usual, Bennington Vale Evening Transcript staffers covered the event live on Twitter from the sports bar at Piers Addleson’s Pea House. Although the Longwood University venue had an abundance of available press passes and practically begged our journalists to attend, citing an “obscene lack of interest from legitimate reporters,” the budget of a free community paper does not accord such luxuries. Or asbestos- and roach-free offices. Or working toilets. There were two noteworthy differences in the vice presidential debate as compared to the Trump-Clinton clash. First, the candidates appeared less unhinged but vastly more disconcerting. Second, both sides spent the bulk of the discussion interrupting each other and skirting the major issues facing the nation -- primarily, the Creepy Clown infestation. Following are highlights from the event.

Monday, October 3, 2016

Trump’s Camp Concentration Schools Forced to Close Before Construction Begins

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Donald Trump’s Camp Concentration, a privately funded alternative to the nation’s failing public education system, has already gone bankrupt in the earliest stages of development. Sources report that crews had not even broken ground on construction efforts. The announcement represents another major setback for the Republican presidential candidate’s beleaguered campaign. Spokespeople for Trump revealed that the shuttered program cost investors nearly $1 billion in losses, which Trump allegedly diverted to pay off debts he incurred while financing the revitalization of Russia’s nuclear arsenal -- a plan President Vladimir Putin exposed Monday in a decree that suspends a joint agreement with the United States to eradicate surplus weapons-grade plutonium.
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