BREAKING NEWS

Friday, February 24, 2017

Trump Teases Massive Military Rearmament at CPAC, Full Speech Leaked

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SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- This week’s gathering of the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), the platform that helped launch Trump’s rise to the presidency and gave voice to his “America’s first” agenda, was a rousing and revealing affair. On Thursday, acting President Steve Bannon agreed to a rare interview with Matt Schlapp, head of the American Conservative Union. Bannon rarely addresses the press or makes public appearances, due in large part to his one-hour window of sobriety each day. On Friday, Co-President Trump energized the crowd with a firm pledge to lead a new era of rearmament in America. His fiery promises to close the borders and shore up the nation’s military drew rounds of applause. Trump will outline larger plans before Congress on Tuesday. The Evening Transcript has secured a leaked draft of that speech, penned by Bannon.

Thursday, February 23, 2017

NASA Exoplanet Discovery: Trump Plans Space Wall to Stop Undocumented Aliens

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SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On February 20, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) teased an intriguing discovery. The announcement alluded to the possibility that scientists had identified life-sustainable planets beyond our solar system. Astronomers applauded the news, but terrified Trump officials described the discovery as an immigration powder keg, on a galactic scale. The president warned of an imminent “end-time event,” as billions of undocumented aliens and terrorists would invade the United States. He lashed out at the Obama administration for rejecting the public’s call to construct a Death Star, and vowed to build “some kind of killer space fortress” to protect American interests.

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Psychologist Clarifies Trump’s High IQ Claim: “He’s Reading It Like a Golf Score”

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SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- If there are two qualities about Donald Trump that stand out, they are his penchant for braggadocio and his love of golf. Despite statements to the contrary, Trump frequently assures the American people and his nemeses in the press that he is an intelligent overachiever, with an exemplary academic record and IQ score to back up the claim. However, doubts abound. The universities Trump attended show no honors, meritorious distinctions or noteworthy grades. On Tuesday, a psychologist from San Narciso College emerged to clarify the discrepancy. “I looked at the president’s latest IQ test and discovered that he’s interpreting it the same way he would a golf score -- from an amazing round of golf. I mean, like, record-breaking.”

Monday, February 20, 2017

Sweden's Last Night: How a Country Perished in Secret

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SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Late Friday evening, Sweden, the Scandinavian jewel of economic strength and social prosperity, crumbled under a devastating wave of terror attacks. Although intelligence agencies, dishonest media and Sweden’s former leaders attempted to cover up the demise of the country, U.S. President Donald Trump broke the news on Saturday at a campaign-style rally in Florida. Among the dead were a renowned chef, award-winning auto manufacturers and entertainers from the thriving porn industry. Despite the world’s efforts to downplay or even deny the destruction, Trump remained steadfast in promoting the truth. The massive subterfuge was so well orchestrated that most surviving Swedes appeared baffled that anything had happened. But the evidence is overwhelming, and the fallout could affect America’s economy, particularly as powerful retailers like IKEA shift business models to address the crisis.

Thursday, February 16, 2017

Puzder Withdraws from Labor, Carl’s Jr. Scraps Ivanka Trump Glamor Meal

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SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Donald Trump’s angst-ridden, improvised and largely incoherent press conference Thursday underscored the frazzled state of his administration. The president has lost substantial ground on key issues and cabinet appointments. Courts have refused to reinstate the contentious Muslim travel ban, stores everywhere are ditching Trump brands, Michael Flynn tendered his resignation and Andrew Puzder, Trump’s pick for labor secretary, withdrew as a nominee. Puzder was formerly chief executive of CKE Enterprises, which owns fast food mainstays Carl’s Jr. and Hardee’s. However, his departure has unintentionally delivered another devastating blow. Without Puzder in office to oversee the massive workforce reforms promised to restaurant industry leaders, CKE announced that it would no longer be pursuing the Ivanka Trump Glamor Meal -- a desperate, last-ditch attempt to save the First Daughter’s failing fashion line.

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Trump Cabinet Officials Offer Valentine’s Day Advice to Couples

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SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- President Donald Trump and his tenuous cabinet picks have felt anything but love during their few short weeks in office. Four days ago, passionate demonstrators assembled to protest the nomination of Betsy DeVos as education secretary. Screaming “shame!” in a moment worthy of “Game of Thrones,” the throng blocked DeVos from entering a public school -- which would have marked the first time she attempted to set foot in one. The president faced extreme backlash from California locals for refusing to acknowledge the state’s request for emergency aid as the Oroville Dam threatened to burst. And last night, controversial National Security Adviser Michael Flynn resigned over revelations that he discussed sanctions with Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak weeks prior to the inauguration, a violation of the Logan Act, and then misled U.S. officials about the conversations. But the administration desperately wants to earn back the public’s affections. So several cabinet members offered to share their Valentine’s Day advice with America.

Valentine’s Day Events for Despairing Singles: Misery Loves Company

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SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- For that odd one percent of the Bennington Vale’s unwed yet heterosexual population, leading to a pensive evening of frozen dinners, cheap wine and a literary journey from “50 Shades” to Sylvia Plath. But don’t blame a dead saint. Esther Howland is your culprit. You see, back in 1847, this woman took what most considered to be another minor day of veneration and began mass producing embossed paper-lace hearts, the kind she’d seen in Europe, using the resources of her father’s book and stationery store in Worcester, Mass. The rest, they say, is history. A troubled, bleak, emotionally turbulent history of crushed spirits to honor a business bonanza that savages the hearts of the lovelorn. Fortunately, we at The Evening Transcript have reached out across the community to find some lovely things to fill in the hole where your heart should have been. It’s better than sticking your head in an oven, we promise.

Monday, February 13, 2017

Trump Ignores Oroville Dam Crisis: Need Walls to Stop Flood of Immigrants, Not Actual Floods

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SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Nearly 20,000 people have been evacuated since Sunday, when California’s Oroville Dam reached capacity and threatened catastrophic flooding. The spillway, which acts to prevent overflows by diverting excess water, was reported to be on the cusp of collapse. On February 10, sensing the imminent danger to property and life, Governor Jerry Brown appealed directly to the White House for issuance of a Presidential Major Disaster Declaration. However, the president did not respond for three days. But late Monday evening, Trump finally contacted Brown to say that building a wall to stop the flood of Mexican terrorists is more important than fixing a dam to stop an actual flood in a “terrible, terrible place like California."

Thursday, February 9, 2017

Trump Threatens to Call in Feds After Nordstrom Attacks Ivanka

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SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On February 2, Nordstrom announced that it would stop carrying merchandise produced under Ivanka Trump’s label because of poor performance and declining sales. Just days later, the president fired back at the luxury retailer for dropping his daughter’s brand. The bizarre reaction drew fire from critics who accused Trump of violating ethics rules, using his office to settle business disputes and for abandoning an intelligence briefing to chastise the prominent department store. However, as Sean Spicer told the press, Nordstrom’s decision was a personal attack on the president -- a felony crime that warranted an immediate response. Since then, millions of Americans have rallied behind the treasonous company, forcing Trump to issue a warning on Thursday that he may “call in the Feds.”

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Success of Rule 19 Against Warren Inspires Trump’s Bizarre Order 66

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SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Tuesday evening, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell invoked an arcane parliamentary procedure, Rule 19, to silence Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass.) from protesting Jeff Sessions’ imminent confirmation as U.S. Attorney General. Warren, a known rabble-rouser in Congress, agitated Sen. Steve Daines (R-Mont.) thirty minutes before, while he was presiding over the Senate, for which she received a stern warning about impugning a colleague. Warren did not attack Sessions’ reputation directly; she instead read from an impassioned 1986 letter, written by Coretta Scott King to the Judiciary Committee, calling on members to oppose Sessions as a federal judge. The success of Rule 19, now referred to by the Trump administration as the “putting uppity harpies back in their place” maneuver, has inspired the president to ask acting Co-President Bannon when he can execute Order 66.

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Education Secretary Betsy DeVos Unveils Common NeuroCore Standards

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SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Tuesday, Vice President Mike Pence made history by casting the tie-breaking vote that would confirm Betsy DeVos as the nation’s education secretary. Those in Congress who opposed DeVos’ nomination cited her lack of experience in the educational sector, exclusive private schooling and absence of a degree in an academic field. DeVos argued that the American education system is broken and needs rebuilding. “I don’t have any qualifications or relevant degrees or knowledge of public schools or any meaningful experience whatsoever,” she said. “And you put me in charge. That shows how intellectually compromised we are as a nation. The only answer is to destroy the system and await the glorious rapture of a new, blessed kingdom of alternative learning.” DeVos has already proposed radical reforms, including the introduction of a virtual cognitive enhancement process called Common Neurocore, loosely based on Britain’s Ludovico Technique, which “retrains the brain.”

Monday, February 6, 2017

Trump Says Media Covers Up Terror Attacks, Cites Shark Infested Tornadoes

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SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Addressing the U.S. Central Command on Monday, President Trump veered from his prepared remarks to inform the nation’s military leaders of a shocking secret: the media is purposefully burying reports of terrorist attacks. He cited recently revealed cover-ups such as Obama’s ban on Iraqi refugees and the horrendous slaughter of millions, also unreported by the mainstream press, during the Bowling Green Massacre. Trump, an avid television junkie, voraciously consumes hours of TV news, SNL and other programs that may portray him an unfavorable light. However, Press Secretary Sean Spicer disclosed that during an accidental channel change to Syfy, the president stumbled on perhaps the biggest security threat to the United States: an armada of kamikaze sharks that descend from tornadoes and embark on murderous sprees that leave behind more carnage than three September 11s. “It’s already happened four times,” Trump announced, “and it’s going to happen again. Where is the media?”

Friday, February 3, 2017

GOP Repeals Law Denying the Mentally Ill Guns So Trump Can Bear Arms

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SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The House on Thursday struck down a law that blocks the mentally ill and some recipients of disability benefits from purchasing weapons. The National Rifle Association (NRA) has long opposed this rule, claiming it strips people of their Second Amendment rights. As The Hill reported, the House of Representatives voted 235-180 “to roll back a rule that required the Social Security Administration to report people who receive disability benefits and have a mental health condition to the FBI’s background check system.” Although critics condemned the measure as pandering and dangerous, the GOP hailed the move as a victory in bolstering President Trump’s security. As a mentally dysfunctional and unhinged lunatic, Trump may now legally purchase firearms to defend himself in case of attack.

Thursday, February 2, 2017

Mexico Tightens Border to U.S. Refugees Fleeing Trump After Iran Confrontation

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SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- According to acting Co-President Steve Bannon, the future glory of the United States will emerge from the putrid fog of war - in fact, many wars. The Guardian quotes Bannon as predicting armed conflicts over the disputed South China Seas territory within 10 years, while another inevitable battle will erupt in the Middle East during the same time. On Wednesday, the administration’s bloodlust flared again when the president warned Mexico of possible troop deployments to eliminate “bad hombres.” This was accompanied by Trump’s frightening display of saber-rattling against Iran over a missile test. Millions of American refugees, now terrified by the prospect of global war, rushed to the border this week to seek asylum in Mexico. But to prevent known foreign extremists, rapists and job-stealers from entering the country, the Mexican government has imposed crossing fees and extreme vetting processes for U.S. immigrants.

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

Trump’s Botched “Some of My Best Friends Are Black” History Breakfast

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SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Donald Trump hosted a breakfast event on Wednesday to commemorate the start of Black History Month. The tense and awkward affair demonstrated yet another departure from the previous administration, illustrating just how white the current White House has become. Trump often found himself confused about the facts surrounding key African American icons. At one point, the president mistook fictional “Star Trek” Communications Officer Nyota Uhura for the “first black female astronaut,” then further confounded attendees when he conflated the character with Rosa Parks, demanding to know why the captain made her “sit in the back of the bridge.”
 
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