// API callback
related_results_labels_thumbs({"version":"1.0","encoding":"UTF-8","feed":{"xmlns":"http://www.w3.org/2005/Atom","xmlns$openSearch":"http://a9.com/-/spec/opensearchrss/1.0/","xmlns$blogger":"http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008","xmlns$georss":"http://www.georss.org/georss","xmlns$gd":"http://schemas.google.com/g/2005","xmlns$thr":"http://purl.org/syndication/thread/1.0","id":{"$t":"tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7536322267119235073"},"updated":{"$t":"2022-07-17T06:13:53.791-07:00"},"category":[{"term":"satire"},{"term":"Nation"},{"term":"Politics"},{"term":"Community News"},{"term":"humor"},{"term":"World News"},{"term":"Business"},{"term":"holidays"},{"term":"Entertainment"},{"term":"Crime"},{"term":"Health"},{"term":"republican party"},{"term":"2012 presidential campaign"},{"term":"religion"},{"term":"Economy"},{"term":"neo-conservatives"},{"term":"Technology"},{"term":"barack obama"},{"term":"san narciso"},{"term":"terrorism"},{"term":"celebrities"},{"term":"gun control"},{"term":"civil rights"},{"term":"police"},{"term":"social conservatives"},{"term":"christianity"},{"term":"christmas"},{"term":"racism"},{"term":"tea party"},{"term":"scandal"},{"term":"gay rights"},{"term":"shooting"},{"term":"Science"},{"term":"Sports"},{"term":"congress"},{"term":"trump"},{"term":"government"},{"term":"mitt romney"},{"term":"immigration"},{"term":"republican"},{"term":"sex"},{"term":"Santa Claus"},{"term":"air safety"},{"term":"NRA"},{"term":"internet"},{"term":"catholic"},{"term":"education"},{"term":"gay marriage"},{"term":"2016 presidential campaign"},{"term":"drugs"},{"term":"death"},{"term":"environment"},{"term":"war on women"},{"term":"Editorial"},{"term":"murder"},{"term":"obamacare"},{"term":"Obituaries"},{"term":"TSA"},{"term":"al qaeda"},{"term":"facebook"},{"term":"trayvon martin"},{"term":"george zimmerman"},{"term":"natural disaster"},{"term":"social media"},{"term":"social networking"},{"term":"Countdown to the End Time"},{"term":"budget"},{"term":"films"},{"term":"google"},{"term":"military"},{"term":"thanksgiving"},{"term":"unemployment"},{"term":"anti-gay"},{"term":"apple"},{"term":"privacy"},{"term":"stand your ground"},{"term":"supreme court"},{"term":"apocalypse"},{"term":"arizona"},{"term":"banks"},{"term":"financial crisis"},{"term":"halloween"},{"term":"sexual abuse"},{"term":"television"},{"term":"twitter"},{"term":"Arts"},{"term":"consumerism"},{"term":"domestic spying"},{"term":"fox news"},{"term":"homosexuality"},{"term":"nsa"},{"term":"protests"},{"term":"russia"},{"term":"security"},{"term":"DHS"},{"term":"News in Photos"},{"term":"abortion"},{"term":"florida"},{"term":"media"},{"term":"rick perry"},{"term":"syria"},{"term":"texas"},{"term":"bible"},{"term":"child abuse"},{"term":"end of the world"},{"term":"free speech"},{"term":"harold camping"},{"term":"law"},{"term":"north korea"},{"term":"oil"},{"term":"pharmaceutical"},{"term":"porn"},{"term":"rick santorum"},{"term":"wayne lapierre"},{"term":"weather"},{"term":"children"},{"term":"debt ceiling"},{"term":"employment"},{"term":"evangelical"},{"term":"family stations"},{"term":"fast food"},{"term":"health care reform"},{"term":"iphone"},{"term":"islam"},{"term":"jerry sandusky"},{"term":"jesus"},{"term":"lawsuit"},{"term":"music"},{"term":"scientology"},{"term":"war"},{"term":"food"},{"term":"jobs"},{"term":"labor"},{"term":"osama bin laden"},{"term":"outsourcing"},{"term":"rape"},{"term":"chick-fil-a"},{"term":"civil war"},{"term":"corporate america"},{"term":"disney"},{"term":"earthquake"},{"term":"edward snowden"},{"term":"election"},{"term":"execution"},{"term":"gop"},{"term":"groping"},{"term":"john boehner"},{"term":"john pistole"},{"term":"movies"},{"term":"national security"},{"term":"news international"},{"term":"nuclear"},{"term":"parade"},{"term":"phone hacking"},{"term":"public service announcement"},{"term":"rupert murdoch"},{"term":"social commentary"},{"term":"socialism"},{"term":"steve jobs"},{"term":"suicide"},{"term":"westboro baptist church"},{"term":"wire tapping"},{"term":"adult entertainment"},{"term":"affair"},{"term":"airplane"},{"term":"ayn rand"},{"term":"cancer"},{"term":"football"},{"term":"fred phelps"},{"term":"herman cain"},{"term":"history"},{"term":"jan brewer"},{"term":"mark zuckerberg"},{"term":"new years eve"},{"term":"presidential debate"},{"term":"rapture"},{"term":"sociology"},{"term":"valentines day"},{"term":"walmart"},{"term":"PRISM"},{"term":"Sandy Hook"},{"term":"april fool's"},{"term":"basketball"},{"term":"black friday"},{"term":"china"},{"term":"chris christie"},{"term":"cnn"},{"term":"columbus day"},{"term":"computers"},{"term":"dick cheney"},{"term":"divorce"},{"term":"enhanced interrogation"},{"term":"equality"},{"term":"european union"},{"term":"gangs"},{"term":"gay"},{"term":"god"},{"term":"great britain"},{"term":"homeless"},{"term":"jews"},{"term":"justin bieber"},{"term":"kim jong un"},{"term":"michele bachmann"},{"term":"money"},{"term":"news corp"},{"term":"newt gingrich"},{"term":"obesity"},{"term":"occupy wall street"},{"term":"paul ryan"},{"term":"penn state"},{"term":"peta"},{"term":"pope"},{"term":"putin"},{"term":"torture"},{"term":"travel"},{"term":"video games"},{"term":"violence"},{"term":"wikileaks"},{"term":"Canada"},{"term":"animal rights"},{"term":"apple maps"},{"term":"ash wednesday"},{"term":"birth control"},{"term":"bombing"},{"term":"cbs"},{"term":"cell phones"},{"term":"charlie sheen"},{"term":"cia"},{"term":"conspiracy"},{"term":"country music"},{"term":"dating"},{"term":"dictator"},{"term":"fema"},{"term":"gabrielle giffords"},{"term":"game of thrones"},{"term":"george bush"},{"term":"godfathers pizza"},{"term":"government shutdown"},{"term":"haunted house"},{"term":"healthcare"},{"term":"hillary clinton"},{"term":"hollywood"},{"term":"housing bubble"},{"term":"iran"},{"term":"janet napolitano"},{"term":"journalism"},{"term":"medicine"},{"term":"musical"},{"term":"nasa"},{"term":"new york"},{"term":"prison"},{"term":"pro-choice"},{"term":"prostitution"},{"term":"public schools"},{"term":"real estate"},{"term":"renewable energy"},{"term":"ron paul"},{"term":"ronald reagan"},{"term":"safety"},{"term":"saint nicholas"},{"term":"sarah palin"},{"term":"schools"},{"term":"second amendment"},{"term":"shootings"},{"term":"skittles"},{"term":"smart phones"},{"term":"stock market"},{"term":"ted cruz"},{"term":"tornado"},{"term":"toys"},{"term":"wisconsin"},{"term":"Democrats"},{"term":"Lifestyle"},{"term":"McDonald's"},{"term":"alzheimer's disease"},{"term":"apparel"},{"term":"bashar al-assad"},{"term":"birthers"},{"term":"boston"},{"term":"boston marathon"},{"term":"capitalism"},{"term":"censorship"},{"term":"cigarettes"},{"term":"colorado"},{"term":"controversy"},{"term":"copyright"},{"term":"cruise lines"},{"term":"dan savage"},{"term":"death panels"},{"term":"democracy"},{"term":"dick clark"},{"term":"diet"},{"term":"doctor who"},{"term":"doma"},{"term":"egypt"},{"term":"eric cantor"},{"term":"eric holder"},{"term":"events"},{"term":"fbi"},{"term":"fiscal cliff"},{"term":"food stamps"},{"term":"fourth of july"},{"term":"fruitcake"},{"term":"genocide"},{"term":"germany"},{"term":"google doodle"},{"term":"greece"},{"term":"hoax"},{"term":"independence day"},{"term":"india"},{"term":"iowa"},{"term":"iraq"},{"term":"ireland"},{"term":"its a wonderful life"},{"term":"japan"},{"term":"john mccain"},{"term":"kkk"},{"term":"lapd"},{"term":"libya"},{"term":"lindsay lohan"},{"term":"literature"},{"term":"lobbyist"},{"term":"mexico"},{"term":"mitch mcconnell"},{"term":"monarchy"},{"term":"mormon"},{"term":"muslim"},{"term":"nazi"},{"term":"net neutrality"},{"term":"new jersey"},{"term":"olympics"},{"term":"pedophile"},{"term":"relationships"},{"term":"republican national convention"},{"term":"safety recall"},{"term":"scott walker"},{"term":"singles"},{"term":"space shuttle"},{"term":"star wars"},{"term":"surveillance"},{"term":"telecommunications"},{"term":"theater"},{"term":"theft"},{"term":"voting"},{"term":"white house"},{"term":"405 freeway"},{"term":"DVD"},{"term":"MIT"},{"term":"alabama"},{"term":"alcoholism"},{"term":"amazon"},{"term":"american airlines"},{"term":"amusement park"},{"term":"antonin scalia"},{"term":"associated press"},{"term":"autism"},{"term":"aviation"},{"term":"bail out"},{"term":"bailout"},{"term":"baking"},{"term":"bankruptcy"},{"term":"ben affleck"},{"term":"birthday"},{"term":"books"},{"term":"carnival"},{"term":"chemical weapons"},{"term":"child labor laws"},{"term":"christopher dorner"},{"term":"circumcision"},{"term":"clothing"},{"term":"comics"},{"term":"constitution"},{"term":"cooking"},{"term":"counter-terrorism"},{"term":"david petraeus"},{"term":"dentist"},{"term":"dinosaurs"},{"term":"disneyland"},{"term":"dont ask dont tell"},{"term":"drought"},{"term":"ebola"},{"term":"elizabeth edwards"},{"term":"email scam"},{"term":"energy"},{"term":"england"},{"term":"extra-terrestrial"},{"term":"fashion"},{"term":"fox"},{"term":"gaddafi"},{"term":"gas"},{"term":"george bailey"},{"term":"george rr martin"},{"term":"gifts"},{"term":"global warming"},{"term":"goldman sachs"},{"term":"government intervention"},{"term":"groundhog's day"},{"term":"hacking"},{"term":"hbo"},{"term":"heart attack"},{"term":"heaven"},{"term":"hoodie"},{"term":"hugh hefner"},{"term":"human rights"},{"term":"hurricane"},{"term":"insurance"},{"term":"intellectual property"},{"term":"isil"},{"term":"jersey shore"},{"term":"joe paterno"},{"term":"john travolta"},{"term":"julian assange"},{"term":"kate middleton"},{"term":"kim jong il"},{"term":"lds"},{"term":"lethal injection"},{"term":"malaysian airlines"},{"term":"mel gibson"},{"term":"microsoft"},{"term":"mississippi"},{"term":"molestation"},{"term":"monday night football"},{"term":"new york jets"},{"term":"nigeria"},{"term":"nude photos"},{"term":"objectivism"},{"term":"oklahoma"},{"term":"oprah winfrey"},{"term":"papa johns"},{"term":"pirates"},{"term":"playboy"},{"term":"pope francis i"},{"term":"postal service"},{"term":"potter"},{"term":"pregnancy"},{"term":"prince william"},{"term":"punxsutawney phil"},{"term":"queen"},{"term":"recession"},{"term":"retail sales"},{"term":"royal family"},{"term":"rush limbaugh"},{"term":"scarlett johnansson"},{"term":"shia labeouf"},{"term":"slavery"},{"term":"spain"},{"term":"special events"},{"term":"storms"},{"term":"taco bell"},{"term":"taliban"},{"term":"teachers"},{"term":"turkey"},{"term":"two and a half men"},{"term":"two front teeth"},{"term":"ukraine"},{"term":"united nations"},{"term":"us chamber of commerce"},{"term":"vampire"},{"term":"virginia"},{"term":"war on christmas"},{"term":"whaling"},{"term":"world war ii"},{"term":"yahoo"},{"term":"zombies"},{"term":"60 minutes"},{"term":"9\/11"},{"term":"Abu Yahya al Libi"},{"term":"Chicago"},{"term":"FDA"},{"term":"Miracle on 34th Street"},{"term":"abc"},{"term":"aclu"},{"term":"adoption"},{"term":"africa"},{"term":"agriculture"},{"term":"ahmadinejad"},{"term":"alaska"},{"term":"american revolution"},{"term":"anonymous"},{"term":"anthony wiener"},{"term":"antichrist"},{"term":"archaeology"},{"term":"ashton kutcher"},{"term":"assault"},{"term":"attorney general"},{"term":"aurora"},{"term":"ayatollah khamenei"},{"term":"baby"},{"term":"bain capital"},{"term":"bank of america"},{"term":"bankers"},{"term":"bartleby the scrivener"},{"term":"baseball"},{"term":"batman"},{"term":"bbc"},{"term":"beauty pageant"},{"term":"ben roethlisberger"},{"term":"billy graham"},{"term":"bing"},{"term":"birth certificate"},{"term":"blood libel"},{"term":"bonus"},{"term":"borders"},{"term":"bp"},{"term":"breast cancer"},{"term":"california"},{"term":"caltrans"},{"term":"campaign finance"},{"term":"cannibalism"},{"term":"capital punishment"},{"term":"caucus"},{"term":"cemetery man"},{"term":"center of the earth"},{"term":"charity"},{"term":"chechnya"},{"term":"citizens united"},{"term":"citizenship"},{"term":"clint eastwood"},{"term":"clippers"},{"term":"coffee"},{"term":"collective bargaining"},{"term":"college"},{"term":"comic book"},{"term":"comic-con"},{"term":"connecticut"},{"term":"cougar"},{"term":"crystal harris"},{"term":"dairy"},{"term":"dan cathy"},{"term":"daylight savings time"},{"term":"debate"},{"term":"defense of marriage"},{"term":"dehydration"},{"term":"demi moore"},{"term":"department of education"},{"term":"department of justice"},{"term":"discrimination"},{"term":"disease"},{"term":"dogs"},{"term":"don cathy"},{"term":"donald sterling"},{"term":"dr seuss"},{"term":"earth day"},{"term":"easter"},{"term":"edgar winter"},{"term":"electronic arts"},{"term":"empty chair"},{"term":"espionage"},{"term":"exhaustion"},{"term":"facism"},{"term":"family guy"},{"term":"fcc"},{"term":"ferguson"},{"term":"financial aid"},{"term":"fire"},{"term":"flight 370"},{"term":"foot fetish"},{"term":"foreclosure"},{"term":"foreign oil"},{"term":"france"},{"term":"fraud"},{"term":"fugitive"},{"term":"gas prices"},{"term":"george washington bridge"},{"term":"gerard depardieu"},{"term":"glen campbell"},{"term":"glenn beck"},{"term":"golden globe"},{"term":"golf"},{"term":"google glass"},{"term":"gunman"},{"term":"halliburton"},{"term":"harry potter"},{"term":"harry whittington"},{"term":"hate"},{"term":"hawaii"},{"term":"heidi jones"},{"term":"hitler"},{"term":"hobo"},{"term":"hollister"},{"term":"horn blows at midnight"},{"term":"hosni mubarak"},{"term":"hunger"},{"term":"hurricane katrina"},{"term":"ihop"},{"term":"independence"},{"term":"individual freedoms"},{"term":"innocence of muslims"},{"term":"ipad"},{"term":"isis"},{"term":"islamic state"},{"term":"israel"},{"term":"italy"},{"term":"its a small world"},{"term":"james holmes"},{"term":"james murdoch"},{"term":"jared lee loughner"},{"term":"jpmorgan"},{"term":"judgment day"},{"term":"kathy griffin"},{"term":"katrina"},{"term":"kim kardashian"},{"term":"kris kringle"},{"term":"kristen stewart"},{"term":"l. ron hubbard"},{"term":"labor day"},{"term":"last meal"},{"term":"layoffs"},{"term":"lindsey graham"},{"term":"lloyd blankfein"},{"term":"lottery"},{"term":"lunar eclipse"},{"term":"marijuana"},{"term":"mars"},{"term":"martin luther king"},{"term":"massage"},{"term":"mayan calendar"},{"term":"mayor"},{"term":"melville"},{"term":"memorial day"},{"term":"mental health"},{"term":"middle east"},{"term":"miley cyrus"},{"term":"milf"},{"term":"misogyny"},{"term":"missiles"},{"term":"missouri"},{"term":"msnbc"},{"term":"national pancake day"},{"term":"native americans"},{"term":"nato"},{"term":"navy"},{"term":"nba"},{"term":"nbc"},{"term":"netflix"},{"term":"news"},{"term":"no-go zones"},{"term":"nuclear power"},{"term":"nutrition"},{"term":"oceans"},{"term":"oculus"},{"term":"oscars"},{"term":"pancakes"},{"term":"park"},{"term":"pat down"},{"term":"paula broadwell"},{"term":"payroll"},{"term":"pearl harbor"},{"term":"pence"},{"term":"pilgims"},{"term":"pittsburgh steelers"},{"term":"plagiarism"},{"term":"plane crash"},{"term":"planned parenthood"},{"term":"pool safety"},{"term":"poverty"},{"term":"presidential pardon"},{"term":"prince george"},{"term":"prom"},{"term":"psychology"},{"term":"ptsd"},{"term":"public safety"},{"term":"public works cuts"},{"term":"radiation"},{"term":"rand paul"},{"term":"reactor"},{"term":"reality television"},{"term":"regulation"},{"term":"resignation"},{"term":"rob ford"},{"term":"robbery"},{"term":"rock band"},{"term":"roe v wade"},{"term":"romance"},{"term":"rome"},{"term":"rosa parks"},{"term":"royal caribbean"},{"term":"ryan seacrest"},{"term":"sal alosi"},{"term":"samsung"},{"term":"sandy"},{"term":"search engine"},{"term":"seasons"},{"term":"see something say something"},{"term":"selena gomez"},{"term":"semen"},{"term":"september 11"},{"term":"serial killer"},{"term":"seth macfarlane"},{"term":"seuss"},{"term":"sex tape"},{"term":"sexually transmitted disease"},{"term":"smoking"},{"term":"snooki"},{"term":"sochi"},{"term":"somalia"},{"term":"south korea"},{"term":"spousal abuse"},{"term":"st patrick"},{"term":"staffing"},{"term":"starbucks"},{"term":"suburbia"},{"term":"suicide bombing"},{"term":"superhero"},{"term":"swat"},{"term":"talk like a pirate day"},{"term":"tax cuts"},{"term":"taxes"},{"term":"taylor swift"},{"term":"teens"},{"term":"temporary workers"},{"term":"terry jones"},{"term":"text books"},{"term":"texting"},{"term":"the monkees"},{"term":"theodore geisel"},{"term":"things to do"},{"term":"third-world"},{"term":"tim cook"},{"term":"todd akin"},{"term":"tom cruise"},{"term":"toxic mortgages"},{"term":"toyota"},{"term":"traffic"},{"term":"transgender"},{"term":"tsunami"},{"term":"vatican"},{"term":"virtual reality"},{"term":"wabc"},{"term":"wampanoag"},{"term":"warner brothers"},{"term":"washington post"},{"term":"waterboarding"},{"term":"web site"},{"term":"wii"},{"term":"winter"},{"term":"winter olympics"},{"term":"words with friends"},{"term":"workforce"},{"term":"write-in candidate"},{"term":"#IAmSorry"},{"term":"2016 vp debate"},{"term":"30 days of night"},{"term":"30 rock"},{"term":"419 scam"},{"term":"700 club"},{"term":"Comayagua National Penitentiary"},{"term":"EU"},{"term":"Grammy Awards"},{"term":"IT"},{"term":"Knecht Ruprecht"},{"term":"Lilith"},{"term":"Lincoln"},{"term":"OWN"},{"term":"Prius"},{"term":"SAT"},{"term":"aakash"},{"term":"aaron sorkin"},{"term":"aaron swartz"},{"term":"aarp"},{"term":"abdication"},{"term":"abercrombie and fitch"},{"term":"abstinence"},{"term":"academy awards 2011"},{"term":"academy awards 2013"},{"term":"actress"},{"term":"addams family"},{"term":"addiction"},{"term":"adultery"},{"term":"affirmative action"},{"term":"affordable care act"},{"term":"afghanistan"},{"term":"aflac"},{"term":"air france"},{"term":"air traffic controllers"},{"term":"aj burnett"},{"term":"alan greenspan"},{"term":"alan jackson"},{"term":"alaska airlines"},{"term":"alec baldwin"},{"term":"alex jones"},{"term":"alex trebek"},{"term":"alexander dale oen"},{"term":"alfred hitchcock"},{"term":"alien abduction"},{"term":"aliens"},{"term":"alta dena"},{"term":"alyssa campanella"},{"term":"amendment"},{"term":"amercia"},{"term":"ames"},{"term":"amish"},{"term":"anarchy"},{"term":"andrew breitbart"},{"term":"andrew wakefield"},{"term":"andy dick"},{"term":"andy rooney"},{"term":"angry birds"},{"term":"ann harris"},{"term":"ann romney"},{"term":"anna karenina"},{"term":"annette funicello"},{"term":"anthropolgy"},{"term":"anti-semitic"},{"term":"antisec"},{"term":"aol"},{"term":"apps"},{"term":"arkansas"},{"term":"armenian genocide"},{"term":"arnold schwarzenegger"},{"term":"arson"},{"term":"assault weapons"},{"term":"assist"},{"term":"asteroid"},{"term":"astrology"},{"term":"astronomy"},{"term":"atheist"},{"term":"atlantis"},{"term":"atlas shrugged"},{"term":"att"},{"term":"auction"},{"term":"austerity"},{"term":"australia"},{"term":"automobile safety"},{"term":"baby suri"},{"term":"bacon"},{"term":"barbara bush"},{"term":"barbara walters"},{"term":"bathrooms"},{"term":"battery"},{"term":"beaver"},{"term":"bedford falls"},{"term":"beef"},{"term":"beer"},{"term":"beresford-redman"},{"term":"bestiality"},{"term":"beyonce"},{"term":"bikers"},{"term":"bill cosby"},{"term":"bill murray"},{"term":"bill of rights"},{"term":"billy ray cyrus"},{"term":"binders full of women"},{"term":"black history month"},{"term":"blacklivesmatter"},{"term":"blockhead"},{"term":"blogging"},{"term":"bluetoad"},{"term":"board game"},{"term":"boardwalk empire"},{"term":"bob crane"},{"term":"bob dylan"},{"term":"bobby brown"},{"term":"bobby jindal"},{"term":"bobby rush"},{"term":"bomb squad"},{"term":"bone marrow transplant"},{"term":"book club"},{"term":"book review"},{"term":"bowling"},{"term":"brad pitt"},{"term":"brahmin"},{"term":"brain tumor"},{"term":"brandon davies"},{"term":"brazil"},{"term":"breaking bad"},{"term":"breakups"},{"term":"breast"},{"term":"breezy"},{"term":"brenda perry"},{"term":"brendan eich"},{"term":"brett favre"},{"term":"brian williams"},{"term":"bribery"},{"term":"bridgegate"},{"term":"brigham young"},{"term":"british"},{"term":"british food"},{"term":"brittney jones"},{"term":"broadway"},{"term":"brokeback mountain"},{"term":"broken nose"},{"term":"bronx zoo"},{"term":"bruce jenner"},{"term":"buffalo bills"},{"term":"buffett"},{"term":"bullying"},{"term":"burpo"},{"term":"bush administration"},{"term":"butterball turkey recipes"},{"term":"byu"},{"term":"caitlin upton"},{"term":"cameras"},{"term":"camille grammer"},{"term":"canine unit"},{"term":"capra"},{"term":"captain and tennille"},{"term":"carls jr"},{"term":"carly fiorina"},{"term":"carmageddon"},{"term":"casey anthony"},{"term":"cats"},{"term":"caylee anthony"},{"term":"census"},{"term":"challenger"},{"term":"chanel"},{"term":"chanukah"},{"term":"charles varnadore"},{"term":"charlie beck"},{"term":"charlie brown"},{"term":"charlie dent"},{"term":"cheating"},{"term":"cheney"},{"term":"chicago cubs"},{"term":"chicken mcnuggets"},{"term":"child abduction"},{"term":"child labor"},{"term":"child molestation"},{"term":"child support"},{"term":"children of the corn"},{"term":"chris brown"},{"term":"chris burden"},{"term":"chris nolan"},{"term":"chris smith"},{"term":"christopher hitchens"},{"term":"christwire"},{"term":"chuck e cheese"},{"term":"chuck lorre"},{"term":"chud"},{"term":"cinco de mayo"},{"term":"citigroup"},{"term":"clarence oveur"},{"term":"clarence thomas"},{"term":"clay aiken"},{"term":"clown"},{"term":"coachella"},{"term":"coast guard"},{"term":"cocaine"},{"term":"colombia"},{"term":"colonies"},{"term":"comcast"},{"term":"comedy"},{"term":"comets"},{"term":"communism"},{"term":"computer virus"},{"term":"condoms"},{"term":"coolpix"},{"term":"cosmonauts"},{"term":"costa cruises"},{"term":"counter culture"},{"term":"coyotes"},{"term":"crack cocaine"},{"term":"craig sonner"},{"term":"craigslist"},{"term":"crash"},{"term":"credit card"},{"term":"credit rating"},{"term":"creepy clowns"},{"term":"crimea"},{"term":"criminals"},{"term":"crucible"},{"term":"cucumbers"},{"term":"curiosity rover"},{"term":"cvs"},{"term":"cyber-attack"},{"term":"daily beast"},{"term":"dakota pipeline"},{"term":"daniel clowes"},{"term":"dark knight rises"},{"term":"dark shadows"},{"term":"darren wilson"},{"term":"daryl dragon"},{"term":"data breach"},{"term":"data privacy"},{"term":"dave brat"},{"term":"david cameron"},{"term":"david fincher"},{"term":"david hasselhoff"},{"term":"david lynch"},{"term":"david nelson"},{"term":"davy jones"},{"term":"dead blackbirds"},{"term":"deadly sins"},{"term":"death row"},{"term":"debra denison"},{"term":"debt"},{"term":"deep blue"},{"term":"deep horizon"},{"term":"deep impact"},{"term":"deepwater horizon"},{"term":"def leppard"},{"term":"defense"},{"term":"defense intelligence agency"},{"term":"deficit"},{"term":"defriend day"},{"term":"delta"},{"term":"democratic national convention"},{"term":"demon"},{"term":"dennis rodman"},{"term":"denver"},{"term":"dessert"},{"term":"detroit"},{"term":"devil worship"},{"term":"dialect"},{"term":"digital domain"},{"term":"dina eastwood"},{"term":"disaster at sea"},{"term":"discovery"},{"term":"dixville notch"},{"term":"dodgers"},{"term":"dog fighting"},{"term":"dolphins"},{"term":"domestic violence"},{"term":"don meredith"},{"term":"donna summer"},{"term":"dow jones"},{"term":"dracula"},{"term":"drilling"},{"term":"drones"},{"term":"drowning"},{"term":"druid"},{"term":"drunk driving"},{"term":"duck"},{"term":"duck dynasty"},{"term":"dunkin donuts"},{"term":"dupont"},{"term":"dzhokhar tsarnaev"},{"term":"e coli"},{"term":"e-commerce"},{"term":"e.t."},{"term":"easter rising"},{"term":"ecology"},{"term":"ed hardy"},{"term":"elaine mellencamp"},{"term":"elder abuse"},{"term":"elf"},{"term":"eliza kruger"},{"term":"elizabeth taylor"},{"term":"ellen degeneres"},{"term":"elon musk"},{"term":"emails"},{"term":"emmys"},{"term":"emperor norton"},{"term":"entitlements"},{"term":"epidemic"},{"term":"epipen"},{"term":"ethics"},{"term":"explosives"},{"term":"extinction"},{"term":"exxon"},{"term":"faa"},{"term":"fahrenheit 451"},{"term":"false flag"},{"term":"fathers day"},{"term":"fatigue"},{"term":"fdr"},{"term":"fear-mongering"},{"term":"federal election commission"},{"term":"fifa"},{"term":"filibuster"},{"term":"firefox"},{"term":"fireworks"},{"term":"first amendment"},{"term":"fisa"},{"term":"fiscally conservative"},{"term":"flag burning"},{"term":"fleet week"},{"term":"fluffers"},{"term":"food poisoning"},{"term":"food pyramid"},{"term":"foodies"},{"term":"fort lee"},{"term":"foster care"},{"term":"fourth amendment"},{"term":"fracking"},{"term":"fragile x"},{"term":"francisco franco"},{"term":"frank miller"},{"term":"freeway closure"},{"term":"french revolution"},{"term":"freshman 15"},{"term":"fruit"},{"term":"fruit of the loom"},{"term":"fsa"},{"term":"fuel"},{"term":"fukushima"},{"term":"funding"},{"term":"furniture"},{"term":"fushigi"},{"term":"fusion centers"},{"term":"g8"},{"term":"galileo"},{"term":"gallagher"},{"term":"gambling"},{"term":"game"},{"term":"garbage"},{"term":"gary zenkel"},{"term":"gay bomb"},{"term":"gchq"},{"term":"genetic testing"},{"term":"geography"},{"term":"george lucas"},{"term":"giants"},{"term":"gibberish"},{"term":"gilbert gottfried"},{"term":"ginger white"},{"term":"gluten"},{"term":"gmail"},{"term":"gordon gallup"},{"term":"gospel"},{"term":"gossip"},{"term":"grease"},{"term":"great goo"},{"term":"guardian"},{"term":"gumby"},{"term":"guy adams"},{"term":"guy fawkes"},{"term":"haiti"},{"term":"hal uhrig"},{"term":"hammer"},{"term":"hanes"},{"term":"hannah montana"},{"term":"happy meal"},{"term":"harp"},{"term":"harry reid"},{"term":"harry styles"},{"term":"hasbro"},{"term":"hawk koch"},{"term":"heaven is for real"},{"term":"helicopter"},{"term":"hells angels"},{"term":"high plains drifter"},{"term":"high school"},{"term":"hip hop"},{"term":"hipster"},{"term":"history channel"},{"term":"hln"},{"term":"hockey"},{"term":"hogans heroes"},{"term":"holiays"},{"term":"holocaust"},{"term":"honduras"},{"term":"horsemeat"},{"term":"houdini"},{"term":"houses"},{"term":"housing"},{"term":"howard cossell"},{"term":"howard schultz"},{"term":"huma abedin"},{"term":"human genome"},{"term":"hunting accident"},{"term":"hurricane irene"},{"term":"hurricane matthew"},{"term":"hygiene"},{"term":"ibm"},{"term":"ikea"},{"term":"imf"},{"term":"in touch"},{"term":"inauguration"},{"term":"indiana"},{"term":"indians"},{"term":"indie"},{"term":"indigenous people"},{"term":"injuries"},{"term":"international space station"},{"term":"internet blackout"},{"term":"interpol"},{"term":"into the wild"},{"term":"ipod touch"},{"term":"ira"},{"term":"iron man 3"},{"term":"irs"},{"term":"isaac"},{"term":"jack harkness"},{"term":"jack kevorkian"},{"term":"james inhofe"},{"term":"jamestown"},{"term":"janis lane"},{"term":"jason collins"},{"term":"javascript"},{"term":"jc watts"},{"term":"jeddah tower"},{"term":"jeff bezos"},{"term":"jeff gordon"},{"term":"jennifer garner"},{"term":"jenny johnson"},{"term":"jeopardy"},{"term":"jessica hahn"},{"term":"jetblue"},{"term":"jim bakker"},{"term":"jim gray"},{"term":"jj abrams"},{"term":"joanne kloppenburg"},{"term":"jodie foster"},{"term":"joe wilson"},{"term":"joel osteen"},{"term":"john coffee"},{"term":"john edwards"},{"term":"john galt"},{"term":"john kerry"},{"term":"john mellencamp"},{"term":"john wayne gacy"},{"term":"johnny appleseed"},{"term":"johnny depp"},{"term":"johnson and johnson"},{"term":"joker"},{"term":"jon stewart"},{"term":"jonas brothers"},{"term":"jonathan frid"},{"term":"jorge bergoglio"},{"term":"josh powell"},{"term":"judaism"},{"term":"jules verne"},{"term":"julia child"},{"term":"julia gillard"},{"term":"july 4"},{"term":"kansas"},{"term":"kardashians"},{"term":"karen"},{"term":"karl rove"},{"term":"kasparov"},{"term":"katie holmes"},{"term":"katy perry"},{"term":"kbr"},{"term":"kelsey grammer"},{"term":"ken jennings"},{"term":"kennedy"},{"term":"kentucky"},{"term":"keystone xl pipeline"},{"term":"kidnapping"},{"term":"king juan carlos"},{"term":"kittens"},{"term":"klu klux klan"},{"term":"kristen bell"},{"term":"lady gaga"},{"term":"lago"},{"term":"lakers"},{"term":"language"},{"term":"larry page"},{"term":"lars von trier"},{"term":"lasorda"},{"term":"lawyer"},{"term":"lee harvey oswald"},{"term":"legitimate rape"},{"term":"lego"},{"term":"lent"},{"term":"leslie nielsen"},{"term":"levees"},{"term":"leviticus"},{"term":"libertarian"},{"term":"liberties"},{"term":"library"},{"term":"life sentence"},{"term":"linkedin"},{"term":"lipton tea"},{"term":"literacy"},{"term":"long beach"},{"term":"lord of the rings"},{"term":"lord voldemort"},{"term":"los angeles"},{"term":"lost in translation"},{"term":"louie gohmert"},{"term":"lynn university"},{"term":"macys"},{"term":"maddow"},{"term":"madea"},{"term":"madonna"},{"term":"magic"},{"term":"magic beans"},{"term":"mail"},{"term":"maine"},{"term":"manhunt"},{"term":"manufacturing"},{"term":"margaret thatcher"},{"term":"margarita"},{"term":"mariah carey"},{"term":"marines"},{"term":"marion barry"},{"term":"marissa mayer"},{"term":"mark burnett"},{"term":"mark sanchez"},{"term":"mark wolford"},{"term":"marvel comics"},{"term":"mass"},{"term":"matt sandusky"},{"term":"mcallen"},{"term":"mccandless"},{"term":"measles"},{"term":"medical waste"},{"term":"medvedev"},{"term":"mega millions"},{"term":"megan mcardle"},{"term":"meltdown"},{"term":"memoir"},{"term":"memorial"},{"term":"mengele"},{"term":"mensa"},{"term":"metrodome roof collapse"},{"term":"metta world peace"},{"term":"miami dolphins"},{"term":"michael brea"},{"term":"michael brown"},{"term":"michael burgess"},{"term":"michael corbat"},{"term":"michael vick"},{"term":"michele obama"},{"term":"michelle obama"},{"term":"micro blogging"},{"term":"mike farrell"},{"term":"mike huckabee"},{"term":"mike wallace"},{"term":"mime"},{"term":"minnesota"},{"term":"miracle"},{"term":"misfit toys"},{"term":"miss turkey 2010"},{"term":"miss usa"},{"term":"missal"},{"term":"mississippi river"},{"term":"mitch daniels"},{"term":"mobil"},{"term":"money laundering"},{"term":"monopoly"},{"term":"monty python"},{"term":"moody's"},{"term":"mordor"},{"term":"morlock"},{"term":"morning sickness"},{"term":"mosque"},{"term":"motorola"},{"term":"mozilla"},{"term":"mtv"},{"term":"mugging"},{"term":"muppets"},{"term":"museum"},{"term":"myspace"},{"term":"nancy grace"},{"term":"nancy pelosi"},{"term":"nanotechnology"},{"term":"naomi campbell"},{"term":"nascar"},{"term":"natalie munroe"},{"term":"natalie wood"},{"term":"national guard"},{"term":"nature"},{"term":"nauru"},{"term":"ndaa 2012"},{"term":"near-death experience"},{"term":"needles"},{"term":"nelson mandela"},{"term":"new deal"},{"term":"new england"},{"term":"new hampshire"},{"term":"nicotine withdrawal"},{"term":"nielsen ratings"},{"term":"nikon"},{"term":"no child left behind"},{"term":"norad"},{"term":"north carolina"},{"term":"norway"},{"term":"novel"},{"term":"number of the beast"},{"term":"nymphomaniac"},{"term":"oakland"},{"term":"occupy la"},{"term":"oedipus"},{"term":"ohio"},{"term":"ohms law"},{"term":"okcupid"},{"term":"olbermann"},{"term":"old man potter"},{"term":"open carry"},{"term":"orange county"},{"term":"oscar pistorius"},{"term":"overboard"},{"term":"ozzie and harriet"},{"term":"pabst blue ribbon"},{"term":"pagan"},{"term":"pakistan"},{"term":"papal conclave"},{"term":"paparazzi"},{"term":"parenting"},{"term":"pat robertson"},{"term":"patriot day"},{"term":"paul revere"},{"term":"paul thomas anderson"},{"term":"pawpaw"},{"term":"peanut butter jelly time"},{"term":"peanuts"},{"term":"penal colony"},{"term":"penis amputation"},{"term":"pennsylvania"},{"term":"pentecostal"},{"term":"pepper spray"},{"term":"perfume"},{"term":"person of the year"},{"term":"personal freedoms"},{"term":"peter robbins"},{"term":"pets"},{"term":"phil harris"},{"term":"phil robertson"},{"term":"philadelphia eagles"},{"term":"phoenix"},{"term":"phoenix jones"},{"term":"physics"},{"term":"pink floyd"},{"term":"pinkberry"},{"term":"pirate bay"},{"term":"pizza"},{"term":"planking"},{"term":"playstation"},{"term":"pokey"},{"term":"polar vortex"},{"term":"political parties"},{"term":"poltergeist"},{"term":"pop culture"},{"term":"pop star"},{"term":"pork shortage"},{"term":"port authority"},{"term":"potato jesus"},{"term":"powerball"},{"term":"premature aging"},{"term":"president"},{"term":"pressure cooker"},{"term":"price gouging"},{"term":"pride parade"},{"term":"priest"},{"term":"prince"},{"term":"prince alwaleed"},{"term":"prince harry"},{"term":"profanity"},{"term":"project glass"},{"term":"protestant"},{"term":"provo tabernacle"},{"term":"public urination"},{"term":"publishing"},{"term":"puffers"},{"term":"pyongyang"},{"term":"quentin tarantino"},{"term":"quran"},{"term":"rachel maddow"},{"term":"racing"},{"term":"radio"},{"term":"radioshack"},{"term":"rahm emanuel"},{"term":"rant"},{"term":"rapper"},{"term":"ray bradbury"},{"term":"rebekah brooks"},{"term":"red wings"},{"term":"reeva steenkamp"},{"term":"rehab"},{"term":"reince priebus"},{"term":"reindeer"},{"term":"rental"},{"term":"replacement theology"},{"term":"restrooms"},{"term":"rex ryan"},{"term":"rhonda byrne"},{"term":"richard cohen"},{"term":"richard lugar"},{"term":"richard mourdock"},{"term":"richie incognito"},{"term":"rick warren"},{"term":"ricky nelson"},{"term":"right to pray"},{"term":"rihanna"},{"term":"riots"},{"term":"road closure"},{"term":"rob portman"},{"term":"robert bentley"},{"term":"robert downey jr"},{"term":"robert gibbs"},{"term":"robert pattinson"},{"term":"robots"},{"term":"roger ebert"},{"term":"roger vinson"},{"term":"rolling papers"},{"term":"romania"},{"term":"ron artest"},{"term":"ron santo"},{"term":"royal wedding"},{"term":"rudolph"},{"term":"rumsfeld"},{"term":"runaway bride"},{"term":"rupert sanders"},{"term":"russel brand"},{"term":"salem witch trials"},{"term":"salvation army"},{"term":"san francisco"},{"term":"sandra fluke"},{"term":"santorum"},{"term":"satan"},{"term":"satanism"},{"term":"saturday delivery"},{"term":"saudi arabia"},{"term":"sauron"},{"term":"schettino"},{"term":"science fiction"},{"term":"scotland"},{"term":"scott forstall"},{"term":"scottish nationalist party"},{"term":"scrabble"},{"term":"sea monkeys"},{"term":"sean hoare"},{"term":"seasonal affective disorder"},{"term":"secession"},{"term":"secret service"},{"term":"segregation"},{"term":"selenelion"},{"term":"senior citizens"},{"term":"serene branson"},{"term":"sexual harassment"},{"term":"shaken baby syndrome"},{"term":"shanty town"},{"term":"sharknado"},{"term":"shellie zimmerman"},{"term":"ship"},{"term":"sids"},{"term":"signs"},{"term":"silly putty"},{"term":"sinead o'connor"},{"term":"singer"},{"term":"sinkhole"},{"term":"sleeping"},{"term":"slot car racing"},{"term":"sloth"},{"term":"smartwatch"},{"term":"smithsonian"},{"term":"snake handling"},{"term":"snow"},{"term":"soccer"},{"term":"social anxiety disorder"},{"term":"software"},{"term":"solar eclipse"},{"term":"solar panels"},{"term":"sopa"},{"term":"sothebys"},{"term":"sotomayor"},{"term":"south carolina"},{"term":"space"},{"term":"spacewalk"},{"term":"spacex"},{"term":"spending"},{"term":"sperm donor"},{"term":"spielberg"},{"term":"spring"},{"term":"spring cleaning"},{"term":"st. patricks day"},{"term":"stalking"},{"term":"stamps"},{"term":"standard and poors"},{"term":"standardized testing"},{"term":"stanley cup"},{"term":"state of the union"},{"term":"statuary hall"},{"term":"stem cell"},{"term":"stephen hawking"},{"term":"stericycle"},{"term":"steven moffat"},{"term":"stevie johnson"},{"term":"stock car"},{"term":"strauss-kahn"},{"term":"street performer"},{"term":"stress"},{"term":"strip search"},{"term":"stroke"},{"term":"sudan"},{"term":"sudden acceleration"},{"term":"sudden infant death syndrome"},{"term":"suffocation"},{"term":"super heroes"},{"term":"superman"},{"term":"supermodel"},{"term":"surgical implants"},{"term":"survivor"},{"term":"susan g komen"},{"term":"susan powell"},{"term":"sweatshop"},{"term":"swimmer"},{"term":"t-mobile"},{"term":"talk show"},{"term":"tamerlan tsarnaev"},{"term":"tank players"},{"term":"tardis"},{"term":"target"},{"term":"tarp"},{"term":"tattoo"},{"term":"ted haggard"},{"term":"telecommuting"},{"term":"tennessee"},{"term":"testicles"},{"term":"thailand"},{"term":"the artist"},{"term":"the bachelorette"},{"term":"the master"},{"term":"the secret"},{"term":"the smiths"},{"term":"the view"},{"term":"ticket blaster"},{"term":"tiger"},{"term":"tim burton"},{"term":"tim mcgraw"},{"term":"time machine"},{"term":"time magazine"},{"term":"time warner"},{"term":"timex"},{"term":"tina fey"},{"term":"tobacco"},{"term":"toilets"},{"term":"tolstoy"},{"term":"tom coburn"},{"term":"tom delay"},{"term":"torrents"},{"term":"tourettes"},{"term":"tower of babel"},{"term":"tracy morgan"},{"term":"trampling"},{"term":"transplant"},{"term":"transportation"},{"term":"trash"},{"term":"treason"},{"term":"trespassing"},{"term":"trial"},{"term":"tripping"},{"term":"trojan horse"},{"term":"tropical storm"},{"term":"tucker carlson"},{"term":"tumor"},{"term":"tupac"},{"term":"turtles"},{"term":"twilight"},{"term":"tylenol"},{"term":"tyler perry"},{"term":"ufo"},{"term":"ugly betty"},{"term":"ultrasound"},{"term":"uncle fester"},{"term":"unconstitutional"},{"term":"underwater"},{"term":"underwear"},{"term":"united"},{"term":"universal studios orlando"},{"term":"university of florida"},{"term":"unsimulated sex"},{"term":"uppleva"},{"term":"urban development"},{"term":"usps"},{"term":"uzi"},{"term":"v for victory"},{"term":"vegetable"},{"term":"verizon"},{"term":"veterans day"},{"term":"video surveillance"},{"term":"vikings"},{"term":"virginia tech"},{"term":"vitamin d"},{"term":"vivid entertainment"},{"term":"watches"},{"term":"watson"},{"term":"wealthy"},{"term":"weapon"},{"term":"were a culture not a costume"},{"term":"whistleblower"},{"term":"whitney houston"},{"term":"wichita lineman"},{"term":"wikipedia"},{"term":"windows 8"},{"term":"wiretapping"},{"term":"wiz khalifa"},{"term":"wizarding world"},{"term":"wizards of waverly place"},{"term":"wolf blitzer"},{"term":"womens health and safety act"},{"term":"world cup"},{"term":"world health organization"},{"term":"wwdc"},{"term":"x-ray specs"},{"term":"xbox"},{"term":"xenu"},{"term":"yankees"},{"term":"yogurt"},{"term":"young lee"},{"term":"yoyodyne"},{"term":"zack snyder"},{"term":"zodiac"},{"term":"zoe lofgren"}],"title":{"type":"text","$t":"The Bennington Vale Evening Transcript"},"subtitle":{"type":"html","$t":"San Narciso County's Premier Source for Local, California and World News"},"link":[{"rel":"http://schemas.google.com/g/2005#feed","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.benningtonvalepress.com\/feeds\/posts\/default"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/7536322267119235073\/posts\/default\/-\/Community+News?alt=json-in-script\u0026max-results=8"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/www.benningtonvalepress.com\/search\/label\/Community%20News"},{"rel":"hub","href":"http://pubsubhubbub.appspot.com/"},{"rel":"next","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/7536322267119235073\/posts\/default\/-\/Community+News\/-\/Community+News?alt=json-in-script\u0026start-index=9\u0026max-results=8"}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"BC Bass"},"uri":{"$t":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/profile\/03955077314348723159"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"},"gd$image":{"rel":"http://schemas.google.com/g/2005#thumbnail","width":"23","height":"32","src":"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-MIYHN6OoEwc\/U2l7x9al6lI\/AAAAAAAAWqI\/RQs7GfIsfto\/s1600\/*"}}],"generator":{"version":"7.00","uri":"http://www.blogger.com","$t":"Blogger"},"openSearch$totalResults":{"$t":"163"},"openSearch$startIndex":{"$t":"1"},"openSearch$itemsPerPage":{"$t":"8"},"entry":[{"id":{"$t":"tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7536322267119235073.post-5052339788357864143"},"published":{"$t":"2017-05-22T17:32:00.000-07:00"},"updated":{"$t":"2017-05-22T17:32:06.269-07:00"},"category":[{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Community News"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Crime"}],"title":{"type":"text","$t":"Horrified Spectators Watch Mime Suffocate While Trapped in Invisible Box"},"content":{"type":"html","$t":"\u003Cdiv class=\"separator\" style=\"clear: both; text-align: center;\"\u003E\u003Ca href=\"https:\/\/1.bp.blogspot.com\/-D5IBVhDZ7Uw\/WSOCP4BlzPI\/AAAAAAAAqCE\/BMpM2PqWtHUb6WTQQAG8WIg7e2Fd6NgHwCLcB\/s1600\/mime%2Bsuffocates.jpg\" imageanchor=\"1\" style=\"margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;\"\u003E\u003Cimg alt=\"mime-suffocate-invisible-box\" border=\"0\" height=\"376\" src=\"https:\/\/1.bp.blogspot.com\/-D5IBVhDZ7Uw\/WSOCP4BlzPI\/AAAAAAAAqCE\/BMpM2PqWtHUb6WTQQAG8WIg7e2Fd6NgHwCLcB\/s640\/mime%2Bsuffocates.jpg\" title=\"mime suffocates\" width=\"640\" \/\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003C\/div\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cb\u003ESAN NARCISO, Calif.\u003C\/b\u003E (\u003Ci\u003EBennington Vale Evening Transcript\u003C\/i\u003E) -- On weekday afternoons along Man-of-War Boulevard, commuters in the Bennington Vale and Santa Calcetines are treated to a variety of street performances put on by aspiring artists from San Narciso College. But Monday, curiosity and amusement turned to terror as a young mime suffocated to death before a gathering of horrified onlookers who were helpless to extricate him from an invisible box.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ca name='more'\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003Ch3\u003EGlass Half Full of Death\u003C\/h3\u003EThe incident occurred around 3:45 p.m. in front of McNulty’s Creamed Sweets Emporium. The mime, whose name is being withheld by authorities until family members can be notified, began his act with simple magic tricks and aping members of the crowd. Somewhere between being pushed to the edge of a cliff by gale-force winds and clawing his way back on a mystical rope, the mime stumbled into an invisible box. According to witnesses, the young clown struggled valiantly to escape the transparent prison but ran out of air before he could locate the latch.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E“I’ve heard of stunts like this going wrong before, where magicians can’t find the trick locks on their boxes,” said Martin Kreskich, co-owner of McNulty's ice cream shop. “But this guy looked genuinely scared. You could see it in his face. I don’t think he knew the invisible box was sitting there. How could he have? And we’d all like to know who the hell put the damn thing in his path.”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EMayor Manny DiPresso has insisted that city council members convene immediately to revise ordinances that allow dangerous public stunts without proper permits. As always, the mayor’s concern is for the welfare of the community’s impressionable youth.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E“If you could’ve seen the expressions on those little kids out there, watching that poor man die an excruciating, pathetic death, you would understand why our new president is adamant about imposing rigorous controls to protect our population,” DiPresso remarked, visibly choked up by the gruesome spectacle. “The mime, he kept trying to scream, but no sound came out. If we’d been better at charades, we may have been able to find the door and set him free. I can still see the kohl running down his bulging eyes, turning the white makeup as gray as ash. Nothing will erase the image of his melting face or the silent agony of his pleas for help.”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ch3\u003EIn the Cold Vacuum of Mime Space, No One Can Hear You Scream\u003C\/h3\u003EPolice spokesperson Ren Williams explained that frantic citizens were still trying to break into the invisible box by the time units arrived on scene.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E“It was hard to watch,” Williams explained. ”The despair and the tears and the futile attempts to open the box, just tragic. The worst part is that we still haven’t found a way to penetrate the device, so we can’t get to his body. We’ve cordoned off the perimeter, but because the box is completely clear, you can’t help but notice his twisted corpse sprawled out on the sidewalk.”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EWilliams also said that based on eyewitness testimony, crime scene investigators believe the box was somehow hermetically sealed. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E“Whoever designed it was an amazing engineer,” Williams added. “A completely airtight, see-through, inescapable cube. What sadistic genius builds something like that and leaves it out in public?”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ESNPD officials could not offer further commentary as the investigation remains ongoing, but detectives have not ruled out foul play.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ci\u003E(c) 2017. Licensed under a \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/creativecommons.org\/licenses\/by-nc\/3.0\/deed.en_US\" rel=\"license\"\u003ECreative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License\u003C\/a\u003E. All articles are works of satire. See \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/www.benningtonvalepress.com\/p\/company.html\"\u003Edisclaimers\u003C\/a\u003E.\u003C\/i\u003E"},"link":[{"rel":"edit","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/7536322267119235073\/posts\/default\/5052339788357864143"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/7536322267119235073\/posts\/default\/5052339788357864143"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/www.benningtonvalepress.com\/2017\/05\/mime-suffocate-invisible-box.html","title":"Horrified Spectators Watch Mime Suffocate While Trapped in Invisible Box"}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"BC Bass"},"uri":{"$t":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/profile\/03955077314348723159"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"},"gd$image":{"rel":"http://schemas.google.com/g/2005#thumbnail","width":"23","height":"32","src":"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-MIYHN6OoEwc\/U2l7x9al6lI\/AAAAAAAAWqI\/RQs7GfIsfto\/s1600\/*"}}],"media$thumbnail":{"xmlns$media":"http://search.yahoo.com/mrss/","url":"https:\/\/1.bp.blogspot.com\/-D5IBVhDZ7Uw\/WSOCP4BlzPI\/AAAAAAAAqCE\/BMpM2PqWtHUb6WTQQAG8WIg7e2Fd6NgHwCLcB\/s72-c\/mime%2Bsuffocates.jpg","height":"72","width":"72"}},{"id":{"$t":"tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7536322267119235073.post-7812830270103627518"},"published":{"$t":"2017-04-24T19:22:00.000-07:00"},"updated":{"$t":"2017-04-25T18:25:53.049-07:00"},"category":[{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Community News"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Lifestyle"}],"title":{"type":"text","$t":"Millennials Defy ‘Lazy’ Stereotype, Mobilize to Save Filthy Park Where Most Lost Their Virginity"},"content":{"type":"html","$t":"\u003Cdiv class=\"separator\" style=\"clear: both; text-align: center;\"\u003E\u003Ca href=\"https:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-hKp20kHQ0ng\/T8_vjeP0GZI\/AAAAAAAAFPw\/YBYzW2pOLEMoEj-T_eGY-1bi9_QJFZ3UQCPcB\/s1600\/Donkeydell%2BPark%2BSign.png\" imageanchor=\"1\" style=\"margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;\"\u003E\u003Cimg alt=\"millennials-defy-lazy-stereotype-save-park\" border=\"0\" height=\"632\" src=\"https:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-hKp20kHQ0ng\/T8_vjeP0GZI\/AAAAAAAAFPw\/YBYzW2pOLEMoEj-T_eGY-1bi9_QJFZ3UQCPcB\/s640\/Donkeydell%2BPark%2BSign.png\" title=\"donkeydell park\" width=\"640\" \/\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003C\/div\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cb\u003ESAN NARCISO, Calif.\u003C\/b\u003E (\u003Ci\u003EBennington Vale Evening Transcript\u003C\/i\u003E) -- Concealed by a canopy of massive eucalyptus trees that line Bennington Vale’s Andover tract is Donkey Dell Park -- a forgettable, squalid, dingy patch of grass that had its sod laid before construction of the first homes began in the late 1960s. While most residents in San Narciso visit the county’s sprawling recreational areas to swim, play tennis, exercise, ride horses or just enjoy a warm day in a beautiful setting, the teens of Bennington Vale seldom stray from Donkeydell Park. Despite its unfortunate name -- the origins of which have remained a source of dispute and mystery for decades -- Donkeydell endures as a nostalgic oasis for neighborhood millennials. The park happens to be the fetid, nasty place where most of them lost their virginity -- and where, according to their parents, they were also conceived. But government officials want to close it down. Local millennials refuse to let that happen without a fight.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ca name='more'\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003Ch3\u003EFilthy Eyesore Rich with Filthy Memories\u003C\/h3\u003EThe entrance to Donkeydell offers little to the untrained eye. The field is a rolling swath of brown and yellow grass, the length of two football fields. Farther back, one may discover the ruins of a wooden fort, an incomplete playground with rusted fixtures, and a concrete pit that had been intended for a pool. The strange and disquieting sign still hangs. Despite repeated attempts to remove, dismantle and vandalize the marquee, it inevitably reappears in its original condition. The wooden placard depicts a hobbled jackass pinned down by a fallen tree; a farmer attempts to help it stand by whipping its haunches while pushing its backside with his pelvis. But Donkeydell has a much richer history than other parks in the country. And like most facets of San Narciso, nothing is what it seems. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EMayor Manny DiPresso, however, believes the park is exactly what it seems: a dilapidated, unfinished beacon sordid activities that is taking up valuable land the county could reallocate to more profitable pursuits, such as commercial real estate ventures or landfills.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E“Donkeydell is an eyesore and just a weird, creepy place to stop,” DiPresso said. “I drove past it late one night and saw a guy with an ice cream cart out front, ringing a melancholy little bell in the dark. It was close to midnight. What could be more unwholesome than that?”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EDiPresso also lamented the tragic condition of the grounds: “My understanding is that much of it was abandoned when funding was diverted to build the Lake Inverarity recreational area -- a much more impressive facility. Donkeydell is an empty, outdated waste of land. It doesn’t even get any sunlight because of the excessive tree cover. Then there’s that odor. Some idiotic city planner decided to plant \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/www.businessinsider.com\/bradford-pear-tree-semen-sex-smell-2013-4\" target=\"_blank\"\u003EBradford Pear trees\u003C\/a\u003E all along the periphery. So the place always smells like a gay bath house near a beach at low tide...on a humid day.”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EDonkeydell also abuts the orange groves that dominate the property of the infamous Inverarity estate. The park’s proximity to this dense and otherwise inaccessible orchard has made it a haven for rapists.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E“If folks stopped going there and wandering too close to the Inverarity’s land -- and we all know about the questionable breeding situation with the family’s heirs -- then the papers would quit reporting  the constant discovery of mutilated remains and sexually battered girls who, for some reason, always seem to be employed by Abercrombie and Fitch,” DiPresso added. “It’s giving people in other cities the wrong impression of our suburban splendor. For God’s sake, we’re not \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/www.benningtonvalepress.com\/2010\/02\/hollister-co-sues-hollister-ca-for.html\" target=\"_blank\"\u003EHollister\u003C\/a\u003E or Fontana, but it’s easy to draw parallels with this crap finding its way into the news.”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EOther prominent members of the community, who agree with DiPresso about Donkeydell being the armpit of the county, doubt the purity of his motives. They worry that DiPresso, under pressure from a growing faction of liberals, has designs to transform the park into a HUD housing zone to profit off the tax incentives. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EMike Fallopian, Yoyodyne executive and chairman of the conservative Peter Pinguid Society, lives near Donkeydell and sees no improvements arising from creating a low-income housing area.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E“Nobody’s a fan of rape, but what can you do about it?” Fallopian said. “it doesn’t happen all the time. It probably wouldn’t happen at all if girls who worked at the mall dressed more modestly. I mean, this year the incidence rates dropped from eight to three girls a month. But if we start allowing poor people to live in exclusive communities, rape will be the least of our worries. We’ll be facing home invasions, robberies, property devaluation, Korean grocery stores, ethnic restaurants, and maybe Baptist or Catholic churches going up. We already have a Catholic church and a Taco Bell. I’d rather live with the occasional Donkeydell rape.”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ch3\u003EPark Integral Part of Millennials’ Nostalgic Puberty\u003C\/h3\u003EThe adults can argue the merits or dangers of Donkeydell until they turn blue in the face, but Bennington Vale millennials claim the park as an integral aspect of their transition from children to adults. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E“Apart from my priest, which doesn’t strictly count, Donkeydell Park is where I lost my virginity,” Roger Tresdon, 25, told the Evening Transcript. His girlfriend Treena, 20, described a similar experience, except with her father and not a priest. More importantly, she also had her first legitimate sexual experience at Donkeydell Park. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E“Everyone I know did it at Donkeydell first. Our parents deflowered each other there. Most of us wouldn’t be here without that filthy park. I lost my innocence there too, in that muddy wood fort with Tobias Bernson. And his stupid friend Brad, but only because he said he had some meth. Which he didn’t. Although the sex was horrible, it prepared me for more meaningful encounters I would have later. All at Donkeydell.”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E“You can’t do anything around this lame town without your parents bearing down on you,” Tresdon continued. “They don’t want you to grow up until the day they ship you off to Stanford or Yale. And they can’t relate to us. Donkeydell is the only place we can go to experiment, to learn, and to move from puberty to maturity. This is our rite of passage, especially since they installed those surveillance cameras in the school parking lot and under the bleachers.”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ETresdon and  nearly 20 other young adults have organized a protest group to preserve not only Donkeydell Park but its legacy and influential role in helping shape their young lives.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ci\u003E(c) 2017. Licensed under a \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/creativecommons.org\/licenses\/by-nc\/3.0\/deed.en_US\" rel=\"license\"\u003ECreative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License\u003C\/a\u003E. All articles are works of satire. See \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/www.benningtonvalepress.com\/p\/company.html\"\u003Edisclaimers\u003C\/a\u003E.\u003C\/i\u003E"},"link":[{"rel":"edit","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/7536322267119235073\/posts\/default\/7812830270103627518"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/7536322267119235073\/posts\/default\/7812830270103627518"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/www.benningtonvalepress.com\/2017\/04\/millennials-defy-lazy-stereotype.html","title":"Millennials Defy ‘Lazy’ Stereotype, Mobilize to Save Filthy Park Where Most Lost Their Virginity"}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"BC Bass"},"uri":{"$t":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/profile\/03955077314348723159"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"},"gd$image":{"rel":"http://schemas.google.com/g/2005#thumbnail","width":"23","height":"32","src":"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-MIYHN6OoEwc\/U2l7x9al6lI\/AAAAAAAAWqI\/RQs7GfIsfto\/s1600\/*"}}],"media$thumbnail":{"xmlns$media":"http://search.yahoo.com/mrss/","url":"https:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-hKp20kHQ0ng\/T8_vjeP0GZI\/AAAAAAAAFPw\/YBYzW2pOLEMoEj-T_eGY-1bi9_QJFZ3UQCPcB\/s72-c\/Donkeydell%2BPark%2BSign.png","height":"72","width":"72"}},{"id":{"$t":"tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7536322267119235073.post-6182711556814246819"},"published":{"$t":"2017-03-17T12:22:00.001-07:00"},"updated":{"$t":"2019-03-17T16:15:13.707-07:00"},"category":[{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Community News"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"holidays"}],"title":{"type":"text","$t":"Police Dispatched to Inappropriate St. Patrick’s Day Children’s Pageant"},"content":{"type":"html","$t":"\u003Cdiv class=\"separator\" style=\"clear: both; text-align: center;\"\u003E\u003Ca href=\"https:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-v0aJRszT2g0\/WMw3OjI9GQI\/AAAAAAAApiU\/gGgZuepqKacgrtnofGH9xyPVXAqdBw16wCLcB\/s1600\/st%2Bpatrick%2Bpolice.jpg\" imageanchor=\"1\" style=\"margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;\"\u003E\u003Cimg alt=\"police-st-patricks-day-childrens-pageant\" border=\"0\" height=\"478\" src=\"https:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-v0aJRszT2g0\/WMw3OjI9GQI\/AAAAAAAApiU\/gGgZuepqKacgrtnofGH9xyPVXAqdBw16wCLcB\/s640\/st%2Bpatrick%2Bpolice.jpg\" title=\"st patrick police\" width=\"640\" \/\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003C\/div\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cb\u003ESAN NARCISO, Calif.\u003C\/b\u003E (\u003Ci\u003EBennington Vale Evening Transcript\u003C\/i\u003E) -- San Narciso County loves a parade. Unfortunately, these affairs often end in panic, arson, animal cruelty, religious offense, accusations of racism and bloodshed. We painfully recall the rash of self-inflicted gunshot wounds and hangings that accompanied the botched \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/www.benningtonvalepress.com\/2017\/02\/valentines-day-events-singles.html\" target=\"_blank\"\u003EValentine’s Day\u003C\/a\u003E “Misery Loves Company” event. Then there came the urgent demand to cancel a mime troupe from performing at the \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/www.benningtonvalepress.com\/2016\/12\/2016-christmas-parade-safety.html\" target=\"_blank\"\u003E2016 Christmas Parade\u003C\/a\u003E, given the lawful right of residents to carry weapons in public -- a mandate that arrived tragically late. Of course, few of us will ever forget Mayor Manny DiPresso’s heart-wrenching, Hindenburg-esque speech during the parade’s \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/www.benningtonvalepress.com\/2016\/12\/liberals-sabotage-christmas-parade_9.html\" target=\"_blank\"\u003Eterrifying conclusion\u003C\/a\u003E: “My dreams will forever be haunted by the sound of children screaming, dogs heaving and the eerie, guttural retching of the mule before it vomited out one of its internal organs.” It should then come as no surprise that parents summoned police to Friday’s pageant at Our Lady of Perpetual Whapping, called “St. Patrick Beats the Naughty Snakes from Ireland’s Trousers.”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ca name='more'\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003Ch3\u003ETroubled St. Patrick’s Day History\u003C\/h3\u003EShortly after the police cordon disbanded, Mayor DiPresso announced that he would consider adding this holiday to a growing list of celebrations that council members may soon abolish. Since 2011, St. Patrick’s Day has represented a source of controversy and discomfort across all cities in the county, with the exception of the disputed North Viaduct area, which is always mired in some unpleasantness.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ch4\u003EFrightening 2011 Sermon: St. Patrick as Church Assassin\u003C\/h4\u003EIn 2011, the festivities were overshadowed by an \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/www.benningtonvalepress.com\/2011\/03\/st-patricks-day-celebration-off-to.html\" target=\"_blank\"\u003Einflammatory speech\u003C\/a\u003E given by a theology student, Juanito Guerrero. From the steps of the church, where a small group had gathered because of its proximity to a popular Irish themed pub, Guerrero read from his dissertation about the historical inaccuracies surrounding the saint. In it, he declared that \u003Ca href=\"https:\/\/en.wikipedia.org\/wiki\/Saint_Patrick\" target=\"_blank\"\u003ESt. Patrick\u003C\/a\u003E was not a hero of the Irish people but a Christian warrior sent to destroy the pervasive and polytheistic culture of the land. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E“St. Patrick was an \u003Ca href=\"https:\/\/www.nytimes.com\/2017\/03\/16\/us\/politics\/irish-st-patricks-enda-kenny-trump.html\" target=\"_blank\"\u003Eimmigrant\u003C\/a\u003E. And like most immigrants, he did not travel to Ireland to befriend the natives -- in this case, the druid and pagan rabble,” Guerrero told the crowd. “He was there to spread the message of Jesus by any means necessary. The chiefs of numerous tribes attacked St. Patrick, but he responded in kind with the wrath of God’s justice and retribution.”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EFor over an hour, Guerrero described Patrick’s war against indigenous Irish heathens, attempting to correct what he called “centuries of unfounded and uninformed myth.”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ESt. Patrick, according to Guerrero, was a purely martial figure who battled with druids, overthrew pagan idols and cursed the kingdoms of unrepentant sinners. Where Patrick was credited with baptizing thousands of people and converting them to Catholicism, Guerrero claimed the saint had actually rounded up those who opposed him and then drowned them mercilessly in the river, as their women and children looked on in horror at the stranglehold of God’s encompassing love.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ETensions further escalated when a church attempted to prohibit gays from marching in the parade. At that time, Father Preternature -- who presides over the county’s only Catholic congregation -- defended his decision, saying, “First off, [homosexuals] already have their own parade. Second, St. Patrick’s Day is a religious holiday, not an ideological movement.” \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EPreternature enraged the mayor’s office for implying that gays had infiltrated the community. This Friday, Preternature again found himself at odds with local law enforcement for a disturbing, inappropriate pageant that, residents complained, placed children in compromising positions.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ch3\u003EInappropriate St. Patrick’s Day Children’s Pageant\u003C\/h3\u003EAccording to witnesses, the overly long and poorly orchestrated musical was meant to glamorize the persistent myth that St. Patrick banished snakes from the Emerald Isle. Some parents objected to the play because, they claimed, it discounted the actual accomplishments of St. Patrick in favor of perpetuating a historical inaccuracy; evidence suggests that snakes never inhabited post-glacial Ireland. Preternature responded by condemning those parents as heretics and threatened them with excommunication for insinuating that the world was old enough to have witnessed an Ice Age. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EStill, even the priest’s most devout supporters said they felt uneasy and spiritually conflicted as “St. Patrick Beats the Naughty Snakes from Ireland’s Trousers” unfolded before them.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EIn the play, several children -- all boys -- were lined up on stage, dressed in green jumpers and novelty leprechaun hats. Each child was fitted with a codpiece that depicted a section of a crudely drawn map of Ireland, seemingly rendered in finger paint. These devices were attached to the front of the boys’ costumes, below the waist and covering the crotch. Preternature later explained that this was to ensure visibility. A protruding plastic snake was glued to each codpiece. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E“It would have been much easier to just stick green bags over their heads, as I’d done with the girls,” Preternature said. “But because of the height of the stage from the audience, and the importance of the snakes, I decided to make the codpieces. It tooks hours every day, measuring the boys’ inseams, remeasuring, re-remeasuring and then constructing molds of their crotches to fit the apparatus. It was truly a labor of love.”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EDuring the initial musical portion of the show, the boys sang a collection of U2 songs that included “All I Want is You,” “Babyface,” “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For,” “Stories For Boys,” “Sweetest Thing” and “Sixty Seconds in Kingdom Come.” The incident that provoked a police response occurred after the conclusion of the final number when Preternature bounded onto the stage, attired as St. Patrick, and began vigorously beating the snakes on the boys’ codpieces. Stunned parents said this activity went on for nearly 45 minutes, continuing long after the band had run out of musical selections. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E“All you could hear in the church was the sound of an old man heaving and panting over the tiny sobs of our kids,” one dad told reporters. “After it was over, and this is bizarre, the fire sprinkler system malfunctioned, leading to a terrible flood inside the building. I’d like to think it was Jesus crying for allowing this to happen.”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EPreternature arrived at police headquarters late Friday morning around 11:30 a.m., having agreed to submit to formal questioning. His attorney showed up soon after. Authorities have yet to release a statement with more details on the case.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ci\u003E(c) 2017. Licensed under a \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/creativecommons.org\/licenses\/by-nc\/3.0\/deed.en_US\" rel=\"license\"\u003ECreative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License\u003C\/a\u003E. All articles are works of satire. See \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/www.benningtonvalepress.com\/p\/company.html\"\u003Edisclaimers\u003C\/a\u003E.\u003C\/i\u003E"},"link":[{"rel":"edit","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/7536322267119235073\/posts\/default\/6182711556814246819"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/7536322267119235073\/posts\/default\/6182711556814246819"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/www.benningtonvalepress.com\/2017\/03\/police-st-patricks-day-childrens-pageant.html","title":"Police Dispatched to Inappropriate St. Patrick’s Day Children’s Pageant"}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"BC Bass"},"uri":{"$t":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/profile\/03955077314348723159"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"},"gd$image":{"rel":"http://schemas.google.com/g/2005#thumbnail","width":"23","height":"32","src":"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-MIYHN6OoEwc\/U2l7x9al6lI\/AAAAAAAAWqI\/RQs7GfIsfto\/s1600\/*"}}],"media$thumbnail":{"xmlns$media":"http://search.yahoo.com/mrss/","url":"https:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-v0aJRszT2g0\/WMw3OjI9GQI\/AAAAAAAApiU\/gGgZuepqKacgrtnofGH9xyPVXAqdBw16wCLcB\/s72-c\/st%2Bpatrick%2Bpolice.jpg","height":"72","width":"72"}},{"id":{"$t":"tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7536322267119235073.post-8125896875469036871"},"published":{"$t":"2017-02-14T13:02:00.000-08:00"},"updated":{"$t":"2018-02-14T17:15:10.222-08:00"},"category":[{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Community News"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"holidays"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"valentines day"}],"title":{"type":"text","$t":"Valentine’s Day Events for Despairing Singles: Misery Loves Company"},"content":{"type":"html","$t":"\u003Cdiv class=\"separator\" style=\"clear: both; text-align: center;\"\u003E\u003Ca href=\"https:\/\/1.bp.blogspot.com\/-YgJoL08PWXQ\/WKNuLd4DlvI\/AAAAAAAApLk\/q5R3ee7yE-cC3zjNNrkxFKtuBotc50DcgCLcB\/s1600\/Valentines-Day-Singles.jpg\" imageanchor=\"1\" style=\"margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;\"\u003E\u003Cimg alt=\"valentines-day-events-singles\" border=\"0\" height=\"640\" src=\"https:\/\/1.bp.blogspot.com\/-YgJoL08PWXQ\/WKNuLd4DlvI\/AAAAAAAApLk\/q5R3ee7yE-cC3zjNNrkxFKtuBotc50DcgCLcB\/s640\/Valentines-Day-Singles.jpg\" title=\"Valentines-Day-Singles\" width=\"632\" \/\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003C\/div\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cb\u003ESAN NARCISO, Calif.\u003C\/b\u003E (\u003Ci\u003EBennington Vale Evening Transcript\u003C\/i\u003E) -- For that odd one percent of the Bennington Vale’s unwed yet heterosexual population, Valentine's Day often marks a pensive evening of frozen dinners, cheap wine and a literary journey from “50 Shades” to Sylvia Plath. But don’t blame a dead saint. \u003Ca href=\"https:\/\/en.wikipedia.org\/wiki\/Esther_Howland\" target=\"_blank\"\u003EEsther Howland\u003C\/a\u003E is your culprit. You see, back in 1847, this woman took what most considered to be another minor day of veneration and began mass producing embossed paper-lace hearts, the kind she’d seen in Europe, using the resources of her father’s book and stationery store in Worcester, Mass. The rest, they say, is history. A troubled, bleak, emotionally turbulent history of crushed spirits to honor a business bonanza that savages the hearts of the lovelorn. Fortunately, we at The Evening Transcript have reached out across the community to find some lovely things to fill in the hole where your heart should have been. It’s better than sticking your head in an oven, we promise.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ca name='more'\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003Ch3\u003EValentine’s Day Massacre of the Heart\u003C\/h3\u003EValentine’s Day can spark an understandably bleak outlook. St. Valentine would \u003Ca href=\"https:\/\/www.nytimes.com\/2017\/02\/14\/style\/valentines-day-facts-history.html?mtrref=www.google.com\u0026amp;gwh=F9145A4044EE19A75DE6D00447337954\u0026amp;gwt=pay\" target=\"_blank\"\u003Eprobably agree\u003C\/a\u003E. Before February 14 became a romantic obligation or the floral industry’s annual cash cow, funerals aside, it was a liturgical celebration with considerably \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/www.vogue.com\/article\/history-of-valentines-day\" target=\"_blank\"\u003Edark origins\u003C\/a\u003E. According to legend, Valentine refused to deny Christ at the exhortations of Emperor Claudius in the year 280. For this, he had his head lopped off. But not before he restored hearing and sight to the jailer’s daughter. He had a big heart. We know this from the drawings his executioners made when they ripped it from his generous chest. The story has that “Green Mile” feel to it. It’s an inspiring tale, depicting deeds most worthy of canonization. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EBut that’s not why so many people will be reading “The Bell Jar” by candlelight alone this Tuesday evening. Esther Howland is why so many people, unlike the St. Valentine’s butchers, will not be getting Valentine’s head tonight. Never fear, friends and neighbors. The county is offering a host of activities to keep you from downing a few bottles of hard liquor while sobbing through Roy Orbison songs on repeat. Instead of telling concerned friends that you will be DOING IT all night long, meaning your laundry, consider these options.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ch3\u003EValentine’s Dining and Drinking for the Desperate\u003C\/h3\u003EPiers Addleson's Pea House is offering an off-menu special for single men. In order to get the multi-course meal, for the astoundingly low price of seven dollars, simply approach the hostess and say, “I’m so lonely, I could die.”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThe meal, an homage to the happy-go-lucky bachelor lifestyle, features Top Ramen (your choice of chicken, shrimp or beef flavored broth), a gourmet bologna sandwich on artisan white bread with homemade miso mayonnaise and Dijon mustard, Fritos on the side and, for dessert, an assortment of Brach’s candies. The meal also includes two choices of drinks: a PBR and Seagrams boilermaker or Red Beer (V8 and Bud Light).\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EFor the ladies, we recommend the bar at TGI Friday’s. Because the restaurant will be packed with happy couples, seating at the bar will be wide open. Discounts for a variety of complicated, fruity, rum-based beverages will be extended.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAfterward, we encourage those women looking to get their grooves back to visit San Narciso’s only openly gay club, The Crank Shaft. The venue will be hosting Ladies’ Night. You might not meet the man of your dreams, but you’ll be surrounded by handsome trendsetters who sincerely don’t want you for your body.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ch3\u003EFilms for the Forsaken and Forlorn\u003C\/h3\u003ENaturally, movie studios and cable companies try to muscle in on the action, too. A lot of media personalities will try to recommend romantic films to watch with your snugglebunny. There are no surprises: “Jerry Maguire,” “Love Story,” “The Notebook,” “Dirty Dancing.” Let’s put all these babies in the corner, shall we?\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ERJ Fletcher Communications, the county’s leading cable provider, is hosting a special film festival for singles on channels 0001, 0000, 8999 and 9999. Check your local listings for details.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cul\u003E\u003Cli\u003E5:00 p.m. -- The English Patient\u003C\/li\u003E\u003Cli\u003E5:30 p.m. -- Ghost\u003C\/li\u003E\u003Cli\u003E6:00 p.m. -- The Way We Were\u003C\/li\u003E\u003Cli\u003E6:30 p.m -- Brokeback Mountain\u003C\/li\u003E\u003Cli\u003E7:00 p.m. -- The Elephant Man\u003C\/li\u003E\u003Cli\u003E7:30 p.m. -- Lost In Translation\u003C\/li\u003E\u003Cli\u003E8:00 p.m. -- Cast Away\u003C\/li\u003E\u003Cli\u003E8:30 p.m. -- Closer\u003C\/li\u003E\u003Cli\u003E9:00 p.m. -- Leaving Las Vegas\u003C\/li\u003E\u003Cli\u003E9:30 p.m. -- 500 Days of Summer\u003C\/li\u003E\u003Cli\u003E10:00 p.m. -- Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind\u003C\/li\u003E\u003Cli\u003E10:30 p.m. -- Casablanca\u003C\/li\u003E\u003Cli\u003E11:00 p.m. -- Up in the Air\u003C\/li\u003E\u003Cli\u003E11:30 p.m. -- I’m Not There\u003C\/li\u003E\u003Cli\u003E12:00 a.m. -- The Break Up\u003C\/li\u003E\u003Cli\u003E12:30 a.m. -- Better Off Dead\u003C\/li\u003E\u003C\/ul\u003E\u003Ch3\u003EMusic for the Maudlin Masses\u003C\/h3\u003ELocal legend Wendell “Mucho” Maas will once again take the helm at KCUF radio for a special single's playlist. Featured selections include:  \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cul\u003E\u003Cli\u003EOne (Is the Loneliest Number) -- Three Dog Night\u003C\/li\u003E\u003Cli\u003EBreaking Us in Two -- Joe Jackson\u003C\/li\u003E\u003Cli\u003EThe End of the World -- Skeeter Davis\u003C\/li\u003E\u003Cli\u003EAll By Myself -- Eric Carmen\u003C\/li\u003E\u003Cli\u003EAre You Lonesome Tonight? -- Elvis Presley\u003C\/li\u003E\u003Cli\u003EDrive -- The Cars\u003C\/li\u003E\u003Cli\u003EOnly the Lonely -- Roy Orbison\u003C\/li\u003E\u003Cli\u003EFor No One -- The Beatles\u003C\/li\u003E\u003Cli\u003ETotal Eclipse of the Heart -- Bonnie Tyler\u003C\/li\u003E\u003Cli\u003EEleanor Rigby -- The Beatles\u003C\/li\u003E\u003Cli\u003ESince I Don’t Have You -- The Skyliners\u003C\/li\u003E\u003Cli\u003ESmoke Gets in Your Eyes -- The Platters\u003C\/li\u003E\u003Cli\u003EI Drink Alone -- George Thorogood\u003C\/li\u003E\u003Cli\u003EMr. Lonely -- Bobby Vinton\u003C\/li\u003E\u003Cli\u003ECrying -- Roy Orbison\u003C\/li\u003E\u003Cli\u003ESounds of Silence -- Simon and Garfunkel\u003C\/li\u003E\u003Cli\u003EEverything Means Nothing to Me -- Elliott Smith\u003C\/li\u003E\u003Cli\u003ETheme from Mahogany (Do You Know?) -- Diana Ross\u003C\/li\u003E\u003Cli\u003ENothing Compares to You -- Sinead O’Connor\u003C\/li\u003E\u003Cli\u003EPictures of You -- The Cure\u003C\/li\u003E\u003Cli\u003EGoodbye My Lover -- James Blunt\u003C\/li\u003E\u003Cli\u003EThe Drugs Don’t Work -- The Verve\u003C\/li\u003E\u003Cli\u003EMad World -- Gary Jules\u003C\/li\u003E\u003Cli\u003ELast Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me -- The Smiths\u003C\/li\u003E\u003Cli\u003ELoser -- Beck\u003C\/li\u003E\u003Cli\u003EWho Wants to Live Forever? -- Queen\u003C\/li\u003E\u003Cli\u003EJump -- Van Halen\u003C\/li\u003E\u003C\/ul\u003E\u003Ch3\u003ERetail Specials\u003C\/h3\u003EDruggists and pharmacies throughout San Narciso County are offering a “buy one get one free” deal on KY lubricant with any purchase of the latest issue of Maxim magazine. Note: this deal is invalidated if purchased with birth control, spermicidal creams, condoms, sexual paraphernalia or stimulants intended for couples. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ch3\u003EEvents\u003C\/h3\u003ELake Inverarity Social Hall is hosting several \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/www.benningtonvalepress.com\/p\/community-events.html\" target=\"_blank\"\u003Eevents\u003C\/a\u003E for singles, beginning at 9:00 p.m. Festivities include a solitaire tournament, advanced Dungeons and Dragons adventure\/mixer, ice cream social and vodka bar, “How to Make an American Quilt and Get Sole Custody” sewing circle, “You Don’t Look Fat in Those Pants” fashion show, and a special play performed by the Tank Players -- sponsored by the San Narciso Suicide Prevention Center -- entitled “Jesus Loves You...But He Isn’t Ready for You to Move In Yet.”  \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ci\u003E(c) 2017. Licensed under a \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/creativecommons.org\/licenses\/by-nc\/3.0\/deed.en_US\" rel=\"license\"\u003ECreative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License\u003C\/a\u003E. All articles are works of satire. See \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/www.benningtonvalepress.com\/p\/company.html\"\u003Edisclaimers\u003C\/a\u003E.\u003C\/i\u003E"},"link":[{"rel":"edit","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/7536322267119235073\/posts\/default\/8125896875469036871"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/7536322267119235073\/posts\/default\/8125896875469036871"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/www.benningtonvalepress.com\/2017\/02\/valentines-day-events-singles.html","title":"Valentine’s Day Events for Despairing Singles: Misery Loves Company"}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"BC Bass"},"uri":{"$t":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/profile\/03955077314348723159"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"},"gd$image":{"rel":"http://schemas.google.com/g/2005#thumbnail","width":"23","height":"32","src":"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-MIYHN6OoEwc\/U2l7x9al6lI\/AAAAAAAAWqI\/RQs7GfIsfto\/s1600\/*"}}],"media$thumbnail":{"xmlns$media":"http://search.yahoo.com/mrss/","url":"https:\/\/1.bp.blogspot.com\/-YgJoL08PWXQ\/WKNuLd4DlvI\/AAAAAAAApLk\/q5R3ee7yE-cC3zjNNrkxFKtuBotc50DcgCLcB\/s72-c\/Valentines-Day-Singles.jpg","height":"72","width":"72"}},{"id":{"$t":"tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7536322267119235073.post-1179208094154990499"},"published":{"$t":"2017-02-13T21:48:00.000-08:00"},"updated":{"$t":"2017-02-13T21:48:55.147-08:00"},"category":[{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Community News"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"fema"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"natural disaster"}],"title":{"type":"text","$t":"Trump Ignores Oroville Dam Crisis: Need Walls to Stop Flood of Immigrants, Not Actual Floods"},"content":{"type":"html","$t":"\u003Cdiv class=\"separator\" style=\"clear: both; text-align: center;\"\u003E\u003Ca href=\"https:\/\/1.bp.blogspot.com\/-tBfWEJtqobs\/WKKZ8AhuRMI\/AAAAAAAApJk\/CGsymh1KTrYvl0-gLr_Q4zKvCpRXx-fiQCLcB\/s1600\/trump-oroville-dam.jpg\" imageanchor=\"1\" style=\"margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;\"\u003E\u003Cimg alt=\"trump-ignores-oroville-dam-crisis\" border=\"0\" height=\"530\" src=\"https:\/\/1.bp.blogspot.com\/-tBfWEJtqobs\/WKKZ8AhuRMI\/AAAAAAAApJk\/CGsymh1KTrYvl0-gLr_Q4zKvCpRXx-fiQCLcB\/s640\/trump-oroville-dam.jpg\" title=\"trump-oroville-dam\" width=\"640\" \/\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003C\/div\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cb\u003ESAN NARCISO, Calif.\u003C\/b\u003E (\u003Ci\u003EBennington Vale Evening Transcript\u003C\/i\u003E) -- Nearly 20,000 people have been evacuated since Sunday, when California’s Oroville Dam \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/sacramento.cbslocal.com\/2017\/02\/13\/california-national-guard-to-assist-with-oroville-dam-spillway-repair\/\" target=\"_blank\"\u003Ereached capacity\u003C\/a\u003E and threatened catastrophic flooding. The spillway, which acts to prevent overflows by diverting excess water, was reported to be on the cusp of collapse. On February 10, sensing the imminent danger to property and life, Governor Jerry Brown appealed directly to the White House for issuance of a Presidential Major Disaster Declaration. However, the president \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/sanfrancisco.cbslocal.com\/2017\/02\/13\/president-donald-trump-california-gov-jerry-brown-disaster-aid\/\" target=\"_blank\"\u003Edid not respond for three days\u003C\/a\u003E. But late Monday evening, Trump finally contacted Brown to say that building a wall to stop the flood of Mexican terrorists is more important than fixing a dam to stop an actual flood in a “terrible, terrible place like California.\"\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ca name='more'\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003Ch3\u003EFederal Assistance is Socialism, More Dangerous Than Nazism and Natural Disasters\u003C\/h3\u003EAs Occupy Democrats observed, citing the \u003Ca href=\"https:\/\/www.fema.gov\/pdf\/media\/factsheets\/dad_disaster_declaration.pdf\" target=\"_blank\"\u003EFederal Emergency Management Agency\u003C\/a\u003E (FEMA) official policy, “A major disaster declaration provides a wide range of federal assistance programs for individuals and public infrastructure, including funds for both emergency and permanent work.” \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ERich Reinig, a member of the \u003Ca href=\"https:\/\/www.gov.ca.gov\/news.php?id=19683\" target=\"_blank\"\u003ENational Guard\u003C\/a\u003E detail summoned by Gov. Brown on Sunday, described himself as “flabbergasted” when he received the instructions to abort the mission, presumably from President Trump directly. However, Reinig confessed that he could barely decipher the message, which was “packed with a bunch of language promising political favors to local businessmen, a plea to buy some clothes at Kmart, a lot of blithering on about being popular, and somewhere in all that hogwash was a note saying that any federal presence might be sending an anti-American message.”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EReinig told reporters, “This is the worst disaster to hit the area since Trump’s \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/www.benningtonvalepress.com\/2017\/01\/trump-inauguration-headline-karaoke.html\" target=\"_blank\"\u003Einauguration\u003C\/a\u003E. I can’t believe we’ve been asked to abandon these poor people to their doom.”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAround 9:00 p.m. Eastern, Press Secretary Sean Spicer read from a prepared statement to the press:\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cblockquote\u003EThis was not an easy conclusion to arrive at. Presidents Bannon and Trump put their heads together and thoroughly reviewed the issues at hand. We can’t predict the weather or what devastation may come with it. We need to stay focused on the issues. And as Republicans, whom you elected to represent your best interests, we understand that reducing the deficit, stripping women and gays of their rights, firebombing the inner cities, intimidating foreign leaders, banning Muslims and cutting taxes are still the biggest challenges facing us today. Asking FEMA to rush in here like a bunch of Stormtroopers is inviting more government intervention, federal spending, tax hikes and socialism. And having that particular dam burst would be more detrimental to the health of the nation than an actual dam bursting and killing tens of thousands of liberals.\u003C\/blockquote\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAfter the news conference, Spicer also mentioned that Trump officials felt the people of Yuba City, a rural area most threatened by the collapse of the Oroville Dam, deserved some portion of the blame.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E“They need to bail themselves out before turning to the government for help,” Spicer told press members outside the meeting area. “What good’s living in a house on wheels if you can’t drive away from danger?”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ch3\u003ECalifornia Needs Walls, Not Dams\u003C\/h3\u003EGov. Brown and local legislators expressed frustration that previous requests for disaster relief funds had been ignored, while the president responded punctually to similar requests from Oregon. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E“Brown formally requested the declaration for the series of storms striking the state between Jan. 3 and Jan. 12,” The Mercury News \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/www.mercurynews.com\/2017\/02\/11\/gov-jerry-brown-asks-potential-nemesis-president-trump-for-aid\/\" target=\"_blank\"\u003Ereported\u003C\/a\u003E. “Heavy rains, winds and snow, particularly in Northern California, left eight people dead and knocked out power to an estimated 1 million Californian homes and businesses without power.”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EBrown estimated the cleanup effort would cost the state more than $162 million. Because Trump refused to acknowledge the initial request -- and the decidedly more pressing follow up -- many authorities took Trump’s silence as another show of his vindictive behavior. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ECalifornia has become a thorn in the administration’s side, launching countless attacks against the president and his family. Retailers began refusing to carry \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/www.benningtonvalepress.com\/2017\/02\/trump-nordstrom-ivanka-feds.html\" target=\"_blank\"\u003EIvanka Trump’s Chinese-manufactured clothing lines\u003C\/a\u003E, the state threatened to stop paying taxes to defy executive orders that attempted to limit civil liberties, and millions of illegal immigrants were encouraged to vote three or four times for Hillary. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThe president’s defenders explained that he has been burdened with more urgent demands and activities.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E“Mr. Trump has been stretched to the limits this week,” Spicer said. “He has embroiled in Twitter feuds with \u003Ca href=\"https:\/\/twitter.com\/realDonaldTrump\/status\/830769247185952772\" target=\"_blank\"\u003EMark Cuban\u003C\/a\u003E, the U.S. court system, \u003Ca href=\"https:\/\/twitter.com\/realDonaldTrump\/status\/830552079240409089\" target=\"_blank\"\u003ENordstrom\u003C\/a\u003E and Canadian Prime Minister Trudeau’s insolent refusal to accept a \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/www.telegraph.co.uk\/news\/2017\/02\/13\/justin-trudeau-becomes-latest-world-leader-brave-trumps-awkward\/\" target=\"_blank\"\u003Ebully handshake\u003C\/a\u003E. Also, the president just spent \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/www.politico.com\/story\/2017\/02\/trump-mar-lago-taxpayers-234562\" target=\"_blank\"\u003E$3 million in taxpayer funds\u003C\/a\u003E for a third consecutive weekend of golf at Mar-a-Lago. We still have budget priorities to maintain.”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThe budget issue has also sparked controversy with California, with the administration committed to moving forward with a futile \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/www.benningtonvalepress.com\/2017\/02\/mexico-tightens-border-us-refugees-iran.html\" target=\"_blank\"\u003E$25 billion wall\u003C\/a\u003E along the Mexico border. Trump remained adamant that the wall was more imperative than the dam.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E“You know, all those lying, terrible people in California have been praying for rain, you know, to end their fake drought, which they blame on fake climate change,” Trump said. “Now that they’ve got water, it’s too much. Typical, spoiled, babies. But I am firm on my position. As a nation, we’ve got to sacrifice sometimes for the greater good. Building a wall to keep Mexican and Muslim terrorists from pouring into California is more important than fixing a dam to keep some water from pouring in. Let’s worry more about preventing rapist wetbacks from slipping through the cracks than a little wetness.”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ci\u003E(c) 2017. Licensed under a \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/creativecommons.org\/licenses\/by-nc\/3.0\/deed.en_US\" rel=\"license\"\u003ECreative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License\u003C\/a\u003E. All articles are works of satire. See \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/www.benningtonvalepress.com\/p\/company.html\"\u003Edisclaimers\u003C\/a\u003E.\u003C\/i\u003E"},"link":[{"rel":"edit","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/7536322267119235073\/posts\/default\/1179208094154990499"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/7536322267119235073\/posts\/default\/1179208094154990499"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/www.benningtonvalepress.com\/2017\/02\/trump-ignores-oroville-dam-crisis.html","title":"Trump Ignores Oroville Dam Crisis: Need Walls to Stop Flood of Immigrants, Not Actual Floods"}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"BC Bass"},"uri":{"$t":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/profile\/03955077314348723159"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"},"gd$image":{"rel":"http://schemas.google.com/g/2005#thumbnail","width":"23","height":"32","src":"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-MIYHN6OoEwc\/U2l7x9al6lI\/AAAAAAAAWqI\/RQs7GfIsfto\/s1600\/*"}}],"media$thumbnail":{"xmlns$media":"http://search.yahoo.com/mrss/","url":"https:\/\/1.bp.blogspot.com\/-tBfWEJtqobs\/WKKZ8AhuRMI\/AAAAAAAApJk\/CGsymh1KTrYvl0-gLr_Q4zKvCpRXx-fiQCLcB\/s72-c\/trump-oroville-dam.jpg","height":"72","width":"72"}},{"id":{"$t":"tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7536322267119235073.post-7607674375925723499"},"published":{"$t":"2017-01-26T16:36:00.000-08:00"},"updated":{"$t":"2017-03-22T14:29:36.191-07:00"},"category":[{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Community News"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"environment"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"renewable energy"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Science"}],"title":{"type":"text","$t":"Trump Signs Environment Friendly Energy Policy: Whaling as Renewable Fuel"},"content":{"type":"html","$t":"\u003Cdiv class=\"separator\" style=\"clear: both; text-align: center;\"\u003E\u003Ca href=\"https:\/\/2.bp.blogspot.com\/-ZEo1CALwNn0\/WIqUP2Mf-zI\/AAAAAAAAo6Y\/gmOJaJmYYo8l1sb2fBKpCKSTvszwxwDPwCLcB\/s1600\/trump-ahab-moby-dick-whaling.jpg\" imageanchor=\"1\" style=\"margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;\"\u003E\u003Cimg alt=\"trump-environment-energy-whaling\" border=\"0\" height=\"396\" src=\"https:\/\/2.bp.blogspot.com\/-ZEo1CALwNn0\/WIqUP2Mf-zI\/AAAAAAAAo6Y\/gmOJaJmYYo8l1sb2fBKpCKSTvszwxwDPwCLcB\/s640\/trump-ahab-moby-dick-whaling.jpg\" title=\"trump-ahab-moby-dick-whaling\" width=\"640\" \/\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003C\/div\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cb\u003ESAN NARCISO, Calif.\u003C\/b\u003E (\u003Ci\u003EBennington Vale Evening Transcript\u003C\/i\u003E) -- Donald Trump campaigned on many controversial commitments, which he seems intent on fulfilling through a sweeping series of \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/www.cnn.com\/2017\/01\/26\/politics\/executive-orders-presidents-actions-presidential-memoranda\/index.html\" target=\"_blank\"\u003Eexecutive orders\u003C\/a\u003E. During his first week in office, Trump has penned actions to loosen Affordable Care Act provisions, create a Muslim registry, authorize construction of a \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/www.benningtonvalepress.com\/2017\/01\/trump-mexico-border-wall-taxes.html\" target=\"_blank\"\u003Ewall along the Mexico border\u003C\/a\u003E, declare \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/www.npr.org\/sections\/thetwo-way\/2017\/01\/25\/511582874\/trump-threatens-to-send-in-the-feds-over-chicago-s-violent-crime\" target=\"_blank\"\u003Emartial law on Chicago\u003C\/a\u003E and eliminate “sanctuary cities,” the latter of which elicited a bizarre response from the president: “I’ve seen ‘\u003Ca href=\"https:\/\/en.wikipedia.org\/wiki\/Logan's_Run_(film)\" target=\"_blank\"\u003ELogan’s Run\u003C\/a\u003E’ on TV a million times; I love the idea of Carousel, maybe adding Muslims to the list, but sanctuary is a terrible lie. Why force taxpayers to fund a myth? You know, that D.C. hasn’t crumbled into ruins?” While some orders seem dubious to enforce, Trump’s gutting of environmental protections could come to fruition. Unlike the repeal of Obamacare, the president did offer a replacement -- a “climate-friendly energy plan” that he said would create jobs, restore a dying industry and provide low income families with affordable fuel: clean burning whale oil.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ca name='more'\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003Ch3\u003EThe First 100 Days, the First 100 Cuts\u003C\/h3\u003EMany of the executive orders stamped by Trump honor key elements of the \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/www.benningtonvalepress.com\/2016\/11\/president-trump-publishes-100-day-plan.html\" target=\"_blank\"\u003E100-Day Plan\u003C\/a\u003E he released in November. Curbing environmental regulations to expedite coal and oil production is no exception: \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cblockquote\u003E\u003Cstrong\u003EAmerican Energy \u0026amp; Infrastructure Act\u003C\/strong\u003E. Get rid of solar and wind power. Period. The sun doesn’t shine all day, folks, and wind is dirty. You ever see the mess after a gale? Your three swimming pools, atrium, and Rolls Royce are covered in leaves and debris. Let’s restore the grandeur of coal and gas, giant smokestacks farting billowing profits into the heavens. While we’re at it, we should explore real renewable energy sources like whale oil. Create a bunch of new jobs. Maybe even steal some from the Japs. Yeah, I’m launching that one on December 7. Suck my Moby Dick, Shinzō.\u003C\/blockquote\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAccording to some global economists, \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/www.eco-info.net\/fossil-fuel-reserves\/\" target=\"_blank\"\u003Efuel reserves could run dry within 46 years\u003C\/a\u003E, even if demand were to remain flat. Barring existing constraints on supplies, the world would likely see a 110-percent jump in demand by 2050, equivalent to 190 million barrels a day. But without discovering major new reserves or alternative energy sources, experts anticipate the growing demands to remain unmet. Even diversifying to natural gas would fail to ease the pressure on oil because its supply is as geographically dense. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EPresident Trump therefore faces a challenging dilemma. He wants to maintain economic strength through existing business interests, namely the gas and oil industries. But renewable energy markets are outpacing traditional power suppliers in terms of job growth. As \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/www.cnn.com\/2017\/01\/26\/politics\/sutter-trump-environmentalist\/\" target=\"_blank\"\u003ECNN reported\u003C\/a\u003E:\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E“Strikingly, there are more US jobs in solar energy alone than in either oil-and-gas extraction or coal mining, according to a \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/www.irena.org\/DocumentDownloads\/Publications\/IRENA_RE_Jobs_Annual_Review_2016.pdf\" target=\"_blank\"\u003E2016 report from the International Renewable Energy Agency, or IRENA\u003C\/a\u003E. ‘Jobs in the solar industry grew 12 times as fast as overall job creation in the US economy,’ the report says. The country’s 209,000 solar industry jobs in 2015 outnumber those in oil and gas extraction -- 187,200 -- and coal mining -- 67,929.”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EHowever, pushing the green agenda would risk alienating Trump from his apocalypse-eager, rapture-ravenous base through a tacit admission of climate change reality. It would also require the administration to pay developers to upload all the \u003Ca href=\"https:\/\/www.engadget.com\/2017\/01\/20\/trumps-white-house-website-deletes-climate-change-lgbt-pages\/\" target=\"_blank\"\u003Edeleted White House Web pages\u003C\/a\u003E that had referenced global warming and ecological threats until a week ago. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EA return to whaling, Trump believes, achieves the perfect balance. He recalled the events of “\u003Ca href=\"https:\/\/en.wikipedia.org\/wiki\/Moby-Dick\" target=\"_blank\"\u003EMoby Dick\u003C\/a\u003E” to illustrate his point. In the novel, an uptight Quaker captain wages war against a heathen crew, the animal kingdom’s affront to God, and everyone who questions his command or interferes with his ruthless quest for business gain.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThe story represents nostalgia. It symbolizes the man versus nature struggle for dominion. It portrays the plight of repressed, puritanical and fanatically religious lower classes in rural America (Quakers in 19th-century Nantucket making up the bulk of the industry). More importantly, the events of Melville’s novel depict the terrifying dangers posed by communities of mixed races and non-Christian immigrants. For Trump’s conservative, fundamentalist supporters, whaling could present an appealing middleground between fossil fuels and alternative energy.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E“I’m a very big person when it comes to the environment,” Trump \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/www.cnn.com\/TRANSCRIPTS\/1701\/23\/cnr.01.html\" target=\"_blank\"\u003Etold business leaders on Monday\u003C\/a\u003E. “I pay a lot of Mexicans, the non-rapey kind, to tend the grounds of my terrific estates. Lots of grass, lots of nature, just so much environment. I also take up a lot of space, so I’m a big part of the environment. I have seen so many wonderful forests and landscapes in my business travels, so much beautiful environment we cleared away to build our casinos. Just tremendous memories. I’ve received awards on the environment. Just ask anyone. They’ll tell you I’ve won all the best awards.”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EOne Russian intelligence official confirmed Trump’s statements, describing how the president even found productive uses for human waste during a previous business trip to the country.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ch3\u003ETrump’s Whale of a Task: Renewing Dead Industry for Renewable Energy\u003C\/h3\u003EFor the undertaking, President Trump consulted with Yoyodyne, Inc., San Narciso County’s largest employer. Mike Fallopian, Yoyodyne vice president and chairman of the conservative Peter Pinguid Society, agreed that exploring pre-industrial age business processes could help locate new fuel sources.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E“My colleague, Stanley Kotex, expressed the gravity of the situation a few days ago in an interview with this publication,” Fallopian explained. “He said, and I’m quoting, ‘Oil and gas are not renewable resources; they will dry up one day, and we must be prepared. But wind and solar are equally non-renewable. Look at it logically. You can’t predict when the wind will blow, if it will at all, and scientists keep telling us the sun will burn out one day. The sun’s inevitable demise poses the greatest threat to ending all life on the planet.’ Stanley’s recommendation, which Yoyodyne fully supports, is to usher in a renaissance of the U.S. whaling industry.”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EFallopian called the Obama administration’s “hippie” stance on clean energy an absurd and unrealistic ideology, not a solid economic plan. He praised Trump for taking immediate steps to save the planet by way of preserving its lifeblood: profitable corporations.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E“Wind and solar are pipe dreams, not pipelines,” Fallopian said. “I think we’ve established that. You know what’s clean? Pure-burning whale oil. But if we’re really serious about looking for renewable energy sources on the planet, we need to stay focused on the Earth, not on meteorological phenomena from beyond, like wind currents and highly radioactive UV rays. The United States would do well to emulate the Japanese whaling bonanza.”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThe president applauded Yoyodyne’s devotion to the project, and brushed off anticipated protests from animal rights activists.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E“I know that PETA fanatics have their small opinions and limited world view,” Trump opined, “but whaling is our heritage. Ever seen that ‘Moby Dick’ movie with Gregory Peck? Fantastic film. Much better than the Mockingbird piece of crap. In the fish [sic] picture, he’s a great hero, not a shameful villain. Anyway, we saved the whales in the 70s, and now they’re everywhere. Kill a couple of whales, heat a hundred homes. They’ll reproduce. Circle of life, people. Not to mention all that clean burning oil to power our stoves and cars and perfumeries.”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E“And the best part is that nothing will go to waste,” the president added. “After extracting the ambergris from the fish [sic], the carcasses can be processed as a new culinary delicacy. You know, like sushi. Eskimos and Japs eat that stuff. They thrive on it. We’re talking about brown and yellow people who are so poor that they live in tents made out of ice cubes or weird paper houses. Seriously, I’ve got golf courses and stuff in Japan. A lot of slants [sic] live in these, sort of, origami apartments. So now we can feed our poor people, too, with whales. No more food stamps or government assistance.”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ci\u003E(c) 2017. Licensed under a \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/creativecommons.org\/licenses\/by-nc\/3.0\/deed.en_US\" rel=\"license\"\u003ECreative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License\u003C\/a\u003E. All articles are works of satire. See \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/www.benningtonvalepress.com\/p\/company.html\"\u003Edisclaimers\u003C\/a\u003E.\u003C\/i\u003E"},"link":[{"rel":"edit","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/7536322267119235073\/posts\/default\/7607674375925723499"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/7536322267119235073\/posts\/default\/7607674375925723499"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/www.benningtonvalepress.com\/2017\/01\/trump-environment-energy-whaling.html","title":"Trump Signs Environment Friendly Energy Policy: Whaling as Renewable Fuel"}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"BC Bass"},"uri":{"$t":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/profile\/03955077314348723159"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"},"gd$image":{"rel":"http://schemas.google.com/g/2005#thumbnail","width":"23","height":"32","src":"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-MIYHN6OoEwc\/U2l7x9al6lI\/AAAAAAAAWqI\/RQs7GfIsfto\/s1600\/*"}}],"media$thumbnail":{"xmlns$media":"http://search.yahoo.com/mrss/","url":"https:\/\/2.bp.blogspot.com\/-ZEo1CALwNn0\/WIqUP2Mf-zI\/AAAAAAAAo6Y\/gmOJaJmYYo8l1sb2fBKpCKSTvszwxwDPwCLcB\/s72-c\/trump-ahab-moby-dick-whaling.jpg","height":"72","width":"72"}},{"id":{"$t":"tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7536322267119235073.post-119733232826863012"},"published":{"$t":"2016-12-29T14:52:00.000-08:00"},"updated":{"$t":"2016-12-29T14:52:15.198-08:00"},"category":[{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Community News"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Health"}],"title":{"type":"text","$t":"Tourette’s Rattles Amish Community, Exposes Fallacy of Socialized Healthcare"},"content":{"type":"html","$t":"\u003Cdiv class=\"separator\" style=\"clear: both; text-align: center;\"\u003E\u003Ca href=\"https:\/\/1.bp.blogspot.com\/-gnXV5A7rrcE\/Ukornb8XqCI\/AAAAAAAATE8\/0izI2Y0LqUMrHEEXCL516rs4IHkHQ5PeQCPcB\/s1600\/Amish%2BAmbulance.jpg\" imageanchor=\"1\" style=\"margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;\"\u003E\u003Cimg alt=\"tourettes-rattles-amish-community-fallacy-socialized-healthcare\" border=\"0\" height=\"475\" src=\"https:\/\/1.bp.blogspot.com\/-gnXV5A7rrcE\/Ukornb8XqCI\/AAAAAAAATE8\/0izI2Y0LqUMrHEEXCL516rs4IHkHQ5PeQCPcB\/s640\/Amish%2BAmbulance.jpg\" title=\"amish ambulance\" width=\"640\" \/\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003C\/div\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cb\u003ESAN NARCISO, Calif.\u003C\/b\u003E (\u003Ci\u003EBennington Vale Evening Transcript\u003C\/i\u003E) -- The small Amish enclave in San Narciso’s Kinneret Hills was rattled this Christmas by the discovery of Tourette syndrome in one of its teens, according to reports from the community’s local paper and a physician who resides near “Amish Acres,” as the area is called by neighboring residents. Tourette’s is a \u003Ca href=\"https:\/\/www.tourette.org\/about-tourette\/overview\/what-is-tourette\/\" target=\"_blank\"\u003Econgenital neuropsychiatric disorder\u003C\/a\u003E characterized by physical spasms and peculiar vocal tics, which can include profanity, derogatory remarks and socially unacceptable outbursts. In an interesting corollary, Rep. Tom Price (R-Ga.), Trump’s appointee for the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS), said the incident -- and the community’s handling of it -- revealed the fallacy of social medical programs. Price has long sought to \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/www.usnews.com\/news\/politics\/articles\/2016-11-29\/hhs-nominee-price-opposes-obamacare-backs-medicare-vouchers\" target=\"_blank\"\u003Edismantle Obamacare\u003C\/a\u003E and replace Medicare with a voucher system. “The Amish, stunned as they are by the offensive outbursts of a child, are handling the situation as real Americans should,” Price said. “They’re tolerating it, placing the infirm pariah in quarantine and praying for God’s assistance -- not the taxpayers’.”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ca name='more'\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003Ch3\u003EFoul Mouth Befouls Christmas Celebration\u003C\/h3\u003EElders within the reclusive Amish community said the “grave spiritual impurity” came to light Friday evening after Tobias Verschmutzt, 12, disrupted school services by asking his teacher for a “gosh darn piece of blasted paper.” The schoolmistress, a 22-year-old spinster, swooned with shock and fainted before her pupils. She remains unable to work and will need to convalesce for at least another week.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EPreachers delivering the holiday sermon also noticed and chastised the boy’s disruptive behavior. According to several members of the church, young Verschmutzt made unwelcome whooping sounds, fiendish noises and used unflattering terms to describe the beards of two bishops.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ch3\u003ECalifornia's Secret Amish Migration\u003C\/h3\u003EThe Amish, traditionally Pennsylvania Dutch, are a group of traditionalist Christians who trace their origins to the Mennonite churches of the early 17th century. Springing from Anabaptist denominations, they are most readily characterized by pacifism and eschewing modern luxuries and resources. Amish communities are close-knit and do not accept outsiders unless those individuals commit to joining the church and immersing themselves wholly in the society. They are generally considered one of America’s most misunderstood groups. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ENot many county residents can recall just how or why the Amish came to settle in San Narciso, but Mayor Manny DiPresso says they were invited in the early 1970s.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ESan Narciso was founded in 1966 by wealthy real estate magnate Pierce Inverarity and Yoyodyne CEO Clayton “Bloody” Chiclitz. The Galactronics Division of Yoyodyne, one of the nation’s most vital aerospace and defense contractors, endures as the county’s primary employer. According to DiPresso, private correspondence between Inverarity and Chiclitz provides evidence of their interest in the Amish, which historical records did not preserve.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E“From what I’ve read, it seems Inverarity had convinced Chiclitz that the Amish regularly participated in a brutal bloodsport called rake fighting, or just raking,” DiPresso explained. “He was hoping to give the Amish some land in exchange for exhibitions of their to-the-death rakings before paying audiences. Sort of like Mexican cock fights or brunch at Michael Vick’s place.”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EIn one of the letters DiPresso shared, Inverarity wrote: “The Amish are a lot like the Quakers, Clayton. They’re both pacifist outfits. Neither of these religious groups will fight in a war. That’s what they say, anyway. I think it’s a load of crap. Look, if the Quakers produced Richard Nixon, just imagine the horrors the Amish are hiding away in their barns. My sources tell me that young Amish boys, the ones generally left to tend the chickens and their hatchlings, are indoctrinated to raking early. The adults encourage them to practice on the fowl. You know, ‘Go rake some chicks, boys!’”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EWhile Chiclitz never embraced his partner’s theories about the Fightin’ Amish, or anything else, he cooperated with Inverarity for financial gain.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E“Pierce also believed Amish craftsmen were capable of building a rocket ship out of mahogany, iron and hand-blown glass, and then sending it to colonize the moon,” DiPresso said. “So he offered Chiclitz an exceedingly generous annuity to fund the project through Yoyodyne until its completion, which will never happen. That’s partially why Yoyodyne is always profitable and why Amish Acres has a space program -- a large grain silo with a sign that reads ‘Amish Aeronautics and Astrophysics Agency.’”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ch3\u003ETourette Discovery -- Amish Boy Speaks the Unspeakable\u003C\/h3\u003EThe Amish live a communal lifestyle focused on family, work and religion. The essence of family is paternalistic and tiered. The Amish also demand and enforce strict obedience from their children. Violations of behavior and etiquette lead to corporal punishment.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAlthough they identify as a pacifist culture, they justify beating the literal “Hell out of” disobedient young people by citing several passages in the Bible that demonstrate how the meek shall inherit the Earth and how violence is to be shunned unless used to clout dissenters into the requisite state of meekness. Impudence, sass and cursing are, to the peace-loving Amish, transgressions that warrant immediate action, not turning the other cheek.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E“Any youthful dissatisfactions are usually verbally expressed, but profanity is never allowed because the guilty child can expect swift punishment,” John Hostetler wrote in his \u003Ca href=\"https:\/\/books.google.com\/books\/about\/Amish_Society.html?id=-Rl4qQtph-IC\" target=\"_blank\"\u003Edefinitive book\u003C\/a\u003E, \u003Ci\u003EAmish Society\u003C\/i\u003E. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E“Understanding this, it’s not difficult to see why young Tobias’ use of foul language was a strange and frightful event to the village,” explained Dr. Janus Heuchler, directing sociologist at San Narciso’s Poeslaw Institute for Social Research and Development (PISRAD). \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ETobias’ father, Hartmut Verschmutzt, told the Amish community paper \u003Ci\u003EA Few Good Mennonite\u003C\/i\u003E that he had noticed his son acting “demonic” after school on Friday. During his chores, Tobias suddenly stopped working and began “shaking and dancing violently, as though possessed by Satan’s minions.” The boy then loosed a stream of profanity, according to the paper, which included taboo expressions such as “golly gee willikers,” “jumpin’ Jehosaphat,” “gee wiz,” “gosh darnit,” “dagnabbit,” “Jiminy Christmas,” “bejabbers,” “consarn,” “dad-sizzle,” “thunderation,” “great horn spoon” and “G. Rover Cripes.”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ETobias’ stricken teacher said her student had also uttered “demeaning and aberrant things gangsters in the cities say about women.”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EHowever, as Dr. Heuchler noted, for Tobias to repeat such foul language, he must have had some exposure to it. So far, none of the Amish townspeople admit to knowing where Tobias could have picked up the obscene speech.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EHartmut Verschmutzt told reporters with \u003Ci\u003EA Few Good Mennonite\u003C\/i\u003E: “It’s stranger still that my son was speaking in the manner of Los Angeles hoodlums. They don’t trespass here. And I was the last person he spoke with before the incident in the schoolhouse. I merely reminded him to stop playing with some of the new puppies and get back to sowing the fields before class. I said to him, ‘Stop messing with those bitches and get back to your hoe!’”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EDr. Howard Jensenson, a pediatrician who lives just outside Amish Acres, was allowed to diagnose Tobias after Hartmut Verschmutzt and three elders went looking for a skilled exorcist.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E“They initially approached me to see if I could recommend an exorcist,” Dr. Jensenson said. “We have only one Catholic priest in town, so I really couldn’t. But I convinced them to let me see the boy. Almost immediately after meeting him, I was certain he had Tourette syndrome. I explained to Mr. Verschmutzt what it was. At that point, the townspeople started shaking angrily and screaming in German. Then they took up rakes, pitchforks and torches, and rushed me out the village.”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ch3\u003ESocialists Against Socialized Healthcare\u003C\/h3\u003ETrump officials and other conservative Republicans  seized on the opportunity to illustrate the event as representative of inefficient and unnecessary economic burdens of social assistance programs like Medicare. In Price’s proposed voucher program, government contributions to Medicare would be capped. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EPatients would be given a check and sent out to the marketplace to find the best care covered by the fixed amount. Where the original program spent 97 cents of every dollar on health care, the voucher solution reduces the amount to 80 cents, freeing more revenues to help investors, shareholders, insurance companies and private hospitals. With increased profits filling the coffers of big businesses, the greater their ability to create new jobs and invigorate the economy.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ECritics of the voucher idea say the plan will create \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/www.huffingtonpost.com\/kennethdavis\/medicare-vouchers_b_1947804.html\" target=\"_blank\"\u003Etwo levels of care\u003C\/a\u003E: one for the well off and one inadequate system for the poor. Price, however, noted that the Amish are virtually destitute. They have no money and no employment. They construct their own homes, build their own tools, make their own clothes and grow their own food.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E“They’re practically hobos, but they get along fine without fancy hospitals, modern medicine or abortion clinics,” a representative for Price remarked. “If they can do it, people living in the real world should have no problem either, regardless of their financial circumstances.”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EHealth advisers on Trump’s transition team released a statement clarifying the administration’s position on the matter.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cblockquote\u003EWhat happened at a small Amish village in California last week should be a wake-up call to the wider American public. As a nation, we witnessed something unique and telling -- a group of undeniable socialists, who live in communes, literally chased out the embodiment of a corrupt and evil socialized medical system. And yet, about two-thirds of Amish deny health insurance. They instead participate in Church Aid, an informal self-insurance plan. They don’t demand that their employers sacrifice company revenues to foot medical bills, and they don’t pressure the government to raise taxes in order to provide them with a free ride to healthy living. They take care of it themselves, as real Americans used to. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThis is precisely what our Founders intended: the rejection of socialized programs, of some notion that citizens have an inalienable right to life. And you know something else? Like the new president, these people don’t even pay taxes. They don’t believe in it. And why should they? They take no government handouts. They’re clean, hard-working, self-sufficient Christians who live off the land and don’t accept entitlements -- also like President Trump. And they remain unapologetic socialists.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ETo our way of thinking, if the Democrats have moved this far left of admitted socialists, then we’re doomed as a nation if we allow them any ground in the current debate about our national debt, our taxes and our free market health insurance. This is why Donald Trump has been elected to the highest office in the land -- to destroy the corruption that’s eroding the might of this nation, which comes in the form of unemployment insurance, food stamps, Obamacare, retirement plans, labor regulations, civil rights laws and government-funded agencies such as police, fire, schools and the like. Very soon, all of America will be an Amish Acres.\u003C\/blockquote\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ci\u003E(c) 2016. Licensed under a \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/creativecommons.org\/licenses\/by-nc\/3.0\/deed.en_US\" rel=\"license\"\u003ECreative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License\u003C\/a\u003E. All articles are works of satire. See \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/www.benningtonvalepress.com\/p\/company.html\"\u003Edisclaimers\u003C\/a\u003E.\u003C\/i\u003E"},"link":[{"rel":"edit","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/7536322267119235073\/posts\/default\/119733232826863012"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/7536322267119235073\/posts\/default\/119733232826863012"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/www.benningtonvalepress.com\/2016\/12\/tourettes-amish-socialized-healthcare.html","title":"Tourette’s Rattles Amish Community, Exposes Fallacy of Socialized Healthcare"}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"BC Bass"},"uri":{"$t":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/profile\/03955077314348723159"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"},"gd$image":{"rel":"http://schemas.google.com/g/2005#thumbnail","width":"23","height":"32","src":"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-MIYHN6OoEwc\/U2l7x9al6lI\/AAAAAAAAWqI\/RQs7GfIsfto\/s1600\/*"}}],"media$thumbnail":{"xmlns$media":"http://search.yahoo.com/mrss/","url":"https:\/\/1.bp.blogspot.com\/-gnXV5A7rrcE\/Ukornb8XqCI\/AAAAAAAATE8\/0izI2Y0LqUMrHEEXCL516rs4IHkHQ5PeQCPcB\/s72-c\/Amish%2BAmbulance.jpg","height":"72","width":"72"}},{"id":{"$t":"tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7536322267119235073.post-7356858925065778875"},"published":{"$t":"2016-12-09T17:31:00.000-08:00"},"updated":{"$t":"2016-12-09T17:31:57.757-08:00"},"category":[{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Community News"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Editorial"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"war on christmas"}],"title":{"type":"text","$t":"Liberals Sabotage Christmas Parade, Replace Santa with Holiday Man"},"content":{"type":"html","$t":"\u003Cdiv class=\"separator\" style=\"clear: both; text-align: center;\"\u003E\u003Ca href=\"https:\/\/2.bp.blogspot.com\/-ZoIqrdRlaG0\/TQfGR0LJFPI\/AAAAAAAACSQ\/rKhI7r5B1oIMjZ-ovvTPlmt9iMrZ7_xZgCPcB\/s1600\/Holiday-Man.png\" imageanchor=\"1\" style=\"margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;\"\u003E\u003Cimg alt=\"holiday man\" border=\"0\" height=\"640\" src=\"https:\/\/2.bp.blogspot.com\/-ZoIqrdRlaG0\/TQfGR0LJFPI\/AAAAAAAACSQ\/rKhI7r5B1oIMjZ-ovvTPlmt9iMrZ7_xZgCPcB\/s640\/Holiday-Man.png\" title=\"holiday man\" width=\"598\" \/\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003C\/div\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ci\u003EF. Chester Greene is a prominent local businessman, Republican Party leader, community leader, NRA member and write-in presidential candidate.\u003C\/i\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cb\u003EEDITORIAL\u0026nbsp;\u003C\/b\u003E(\u003Ci\u003EBennington Vale Evening Transcript\u003C\/i\u003E) -- This past weekend, the impressionable youngsters of Bennington Vale and its surrounding communities, with the exception of North Viaduct, eagerly anticipated the discovery of gifts under Santa’s tree at the annual CHRISTmas Parade -- an event I took great pains in helping to plan, but which an insidious faction of fifth columnists perverted behind the scenes. What our children found instead of goodies were carnage and the cruel remnants of religious intolerance from a liberal insurgency of anti-American Clinton supporters -- most likely from the, let’s say, more diverse North Viaduct area. This “colorful lot” turned joy into disaster as the festivities spiralled into an abyss of injuries and rioting, reminiscent of the German Love Parade stampede in July and the Walmart closure in May for renovations. City officials attributed the problems to the inadequate disposal of medical needles, misprinted signage and the horrifying presence of the “Holiday Man.”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ca name='more'\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003Ch3\u003ESo-called “Conservative” Mayor Under Investigation\u003C\/h3\u003EInfluential members of the San Narciso County Chamber of Commerce and the Association of Republican Seniors, Wives, Young Professionals and Entrepreneurs (ARSWYPE) have demanded an investigation into Mayor Manny DiPresso’s handling of the event. Despite the money and time both organizations poured in parade preparations, city officials either made or allowed unapproved last-minute changes to the venue, which ended in catastrophe.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EMayor DiPresso and the City Council issued a statement Thursday evening -- nearly a weekly after their botched attempts to downplay an ideological, moral and physically dangerous incident:\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cblockquote\u003EThere were many problems with the parade, the foremost being that nobody in the county bothered to read over the \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/www.benningtonvalepress.com\/2016\/12\/2016-christmas-parade-safety.html\" target=\"_blank\"\u003Erules\u003C\/a\u003E we posted last week. I explicitly said I didn’t want a repeat of the 2009 “Maxwell Street Massacre.” To be fair, that didn’t happen. What did transpire, in my opinion, was much worse. First, every bathroom along the parade route was equipped with SHARPS SECURE containers for disposing needles required for medical treatment. As we all know, the county has a regrettably large number of teens with glaucoma or who require intravenous medication for other undisclosed ailments. Failing to properly dispose of those hypodermics is what led to the donkey’s overdose. It may also explain why the midget we hired to play baby Jesus stripped naked and defiled a plastic angel. So, there went the living nativity. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAlso, six of the eight dogs pulling the Children’s Hospital sleigh met similar fates. My dreams will forever be haunted by the sound of children screaming, dogs heaving and the eerie, guttural retching of the mule before it vomited out one of its internal organs.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EFortunately, we made a decision this year to reinstate the white Balthasar. Otherwise, we may have experienced a full-scale massacre.\u003C\/blockquote\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAnother problem, according to city officials, was the last minute rush of local businesses to have banners printed up for display in the parade. Without adequate notice, some typographical errors were made, most notably affecting a Vietnamese-owned hot dog stand. The sign was meant to read “Eat at Lazy Dog,” not “Eat a Lazy Dog.” Civil Rights organizations within the county remain adamant that these mistakes were intentionally made by certain Chamber of Commerce members whom these groups continually label as bigots and racists.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EI would say the cause is more likely the result of non-English speaking immigrants asking other non-English speaking immigrants to make signs. Anyone who’s had the displeasure of eating at Lazy Dog or purchasing a soccer team banner from Señor Signs knows exactly what I mean.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ch3\u003EWar on Christmas Hits New Low with Infiltration of the Holiday Man\u003C\/h3\u003EPerhaps the most glaring violation of decency came at the end of the parade when the “Holiday Man” was loosed, like anarchy, upon our world. Just as a hapless fictional police sergeant perished inside a \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/www.imdb.com\/title\/tt0070917\/\" target=\"_blank\"\u003EWicker Man\u003C\/a\u003E, the unwitting actor who was coerced by county liberals to occupy the equally ill-fated Holiday Man also burned in effigy. Unlike the character in the movie, he was denied the sweet mercy of death.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThe Holiday Man concept, according to the City Council, involved incorporating traditional symbols of the season from all major religions, not just the two represented in San Narciso. As any upstanding American would expect, the Holiday Man was immediately met with tears and profanity, not joyous well-wishing.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThe Holiday Man wore a common Santa Claus suit but with a yarmulke and Kwanzaa candles at his feet. He was also holding a copy of the Koran. Worse, he was lashed to a giant cross, which Mayor DiPresso eventually admitted was an incredibly misguided decision in hindsight.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EDiPresso’s statement to the county and local press did little to excuse the nightmare he enabled:\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cblockquote\u003EWe were vehemently opposed to the idea of this Holiday Man. But because of our past ACLU issues, we felt we had no choice. Since President Trump’s election, socialist outfits like the ACLU have really stepped up their game. And rather than complaining about the War on Christmas, they’re now sending troops into the battle. We reluctantly granted them the Holiday Man, which they promoted as an innocent and embracing symbol of acceptance to all citizens in San Narciso County. Clearly, they lied. There was also some confusion with the messaging, which was complicated by a poorly conceived display. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EI completely understand the outrage, the panic, the wailing children and even the impassioned, albeit inappropriate, obscenities. The ensuing riots, while costly to suppress and clean up, were also, in my mind, natural reactions. Setting the Holiday Man’s float on fire, however, was inexcusable. Children, pets and elderly citizens were close enough to the blaze to be scorched. In future outbreaks of racially charged, religiously fueled and righteously indignant aggression, I would strongly urge community members to keep the violence away from public gatherings. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EFortunately, the Holiday Man was close enough to Fangoso Lagoons to be pushed into the water and extinguished. But fines will be forthcoming.\u003C\/blockquote\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThe actor who portrayed the Holiday Man remains in stable condition, with second degree burns covering roughly 17 percent of his body. He is expected to make a full recovery, and the City Council has agreed to pay for any reconstructive surgery he may require.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ci\u003E(c) 2016. Licensed under a \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/creativecommons.org\/licenses\/by-nc\/3.0\/deed.en_US\" rel=\"license\"\u003ECreative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License\u003C\/a\u003E. All articles are works of satire. See \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/www.benningtonvalepress.com\/p\/company.html\"\u003Edisclaimers\u003C\/a\u003E.\u003C\/i\u003E"},"link":[{"rel":"edit","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/7536322267119235073\/posts\/default\/7356858925065778875"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/7536322267119235073\/posts\/default\/7356858925065778875"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/www.benningtonvalepress.com\/2016\/12\/liberals-sabotage-christmas-parade_9.html","title":"Liberals Sabotage Christmas Parade, Replace Santa with Holiday Man"}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"F. Chester Greene"},"uri":{"$t":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/profile\/17718915706302432551"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"},"gd$image":{"rel":"http://schemas.google.com/g/2005#thumbnail","width":"29","height":"32","src":"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-8RwMwVuNDaM\/TyHcdAdgPjI\/AAAAAAAAAAU\/BuYJlFvNmK0\/s220\/Chster%2BGreene%2BCampaign%2BPoster.png"}}],"media$thumbnail":{"xmlns$media":"http://search.yahoo.com/mrss/","url":"https:\/\/2.bp.blogspot.com\/-ZoIqrdRlaG0\/TQfGR0LJFPI\/AAAAAAAACSQ\/rKhI7r5B1oIMjZ-ovvTPlmt9iMrZ7_xZgCPcB\/s72-c\/Holiday-Man.png","height":"72","width":"72"}}]}});