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carlson"},{"term":"tumor"},{"term":"tupac"},{"term":"turtles"},{"term":"twilight"},{"term":"tylenol"},{"term":"tyler perry"},{"term":"ufo"},{"term":"ugly betty"},{"term":"ultrasound"},{"term":"uncle fester"},{"term":"unconstitutional"},{"term":"underwater"},{"term":"underwear"},{"term":"united"},{"term":"universal studios orlando"},{"term":"university of florida"},{"term":"unsimulated sex"},{"term":"uppleva"},{"term":"urban development"},{"term":"usps"},{"term":"uzi"},{"term":"v for victory"},{"term":"vegetable"},{"term":"verizon"},{"term":"veterans day"},{"term":"video surveillance"},{"term":"vikings"},{"term":"virginia tech"},{"term":"vitamin d"},{"term":"vivid entertainment"},{"term":"watches"},{"term":"watson"},{"term":"wealthy"},{"term":"weapon"},{"term":"were a culture not a costume"},{"term":"whistleblower"},{"term":"whitney houston"},{"term":"wichita lineman"},{"term":"wikipedia"},{"term":"windows 8"},{"term":"wiretapping"},{"term":"wiz khalifa"},{"term":"wizarding world"},{"term":"wizards of waverly place"},{"term":"wolf blitzer"},{"term":"womens health and safety act"},{"term":"world cup"},{"term":"world health organization"},{"term":"wwdc"},{"term":"x-ray specs"},{"term":"xbox"},{"term":"xenu"},{"term":"yankees"},{"term":"yogurt"},{"term":"young lee"},{"term":"yoyodyne"},{"term":"zack snyder"},{"term":"zodiac"},{"term":"zoe lofgren"}],"title":{"type":"text","$t":"The Bennington Vale Evening Transcript"},"subtitle":{"type":"html","$t":"San Narciso County's Premier Source for Local, California and World News"},"link":[{"rel":"http://schemas.google.com/g/2005#feed","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.benningtonvalepress.com\/feeds\/posts\/default"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/7536322267119235073\/posts\/default\/-\/family+stations?alt=json-in-script\u0026max-results=8"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/www.benningtonvalepress.com\/search\/label\/family%20stations"},{"rel":"hub","href":"http://pubsubhubbub.appspot.com/"},{"rel":"next","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/7536322267119235073\/posts\/default\/-\/family+stations\/-\/family+stations?alt=json-in-script\u0026start-index=9\u0026max-results=8"}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"BC Bass"},"uri":{"$t":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/profile\/03955077314348723159"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"},"gd$image":{"rel":"http://schemas.google.com/g/2005#thumbnail","width":"23","height":"32","src":"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-MIYHN6OoEwc\/U2l7x9al6lI\/AAAAAAAAWqI\/RQs7GfIsfto\/s1600\/*"}}],"generator":{"version":"7.00","uri":"http://www.blogger.com","$t":"Blogger"},"openSearch$totalResults":{"$t":"10"},"openSearch$startIndex":{"$t":"1"},"openSearch$itemsPerPage":{"$t":"8"},"entry":[{"id":{"$t":"tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7536322267119235073.post-281097159044196867"},"published":{"$t":"2011-10-21T16:50:00.000-07:00"},"updated":{"$t":"2011-10-21T16:58:26.367-07:00"},"category":[{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"apocalypse"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"christianity"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Community News"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Countdown to the End Time"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"end of the world"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"family stations"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"harold camping"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"planking"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"satire"}],"title":{"type":"text","$t":"Harold Camping in Custody After Attacking Plankers He Mistook for Saved Souls"},"content":{"type":"html","$t":"\u003Cdiv class=\"separator\" style=\"clear: both; text-align: center;\"\u003E\u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-R-6mdtldBrE\/TqIEvYS20rI\/AAAAAAAADgQ\/3Ph0ZMrV00s\/s1600\/planking+sf.jpg\" imageanchor=\"1\" style=\"clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;\"\u003E\u003Cimg border=\"0\" height=\"150\" src=\"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-R-6mdtldBrE\/TqIEvYS20rI\/AAAAAAAADgQ\/3Ph0ZMrV00s\/s200\/planking+sf.jpg\" width=\"200\" \/\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003C\/div\u003E\u003Cb\u003ESAN FRANCISCO, Calif.\u003C\/b\u003E (\u003Ci\u003EBennington Vale Evening Transcript\u003C\/i\u003E) -- Representatives of Family Stations issued a public apology Friday evening to the families of eight college students after admitting that an embarrassed and disgruntled Harold Camping attacked them with his cane in Golden Gate Park. Although the precise details of the assault remain sketchy, authorities claim that Camping had requested to be taken to the area to assess the Lord’s loving and merciful slaughter of sinners, as well as His progress in sucking the souls of the pious back to Heaven. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E“What Mr. Camping found,” one officer on scene described, “was a group of over 20 college students face down on the lawn. He must have believed that his rapture had begun. When he realized that he’d happened upon an elaborate display of planking, he just went nuts. At this time, we are placing Mr. Camping on a 72-hour mental health hold. None of the students were seriously injured, and no one’s pressing any charges at this time.” \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ci\u003E(c) 2011. See \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/www.benningtonvalepress.com\/p\/company.html\"\u003Edisclaimers\u003C\/a\u003E.\u003C\/i\u003E"},"link":[{"rel":"edit","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/7536322267119235073\/posts\/default\/281097159044196867"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/7536322267119235073\/posts\/default\/281097159044196867"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/www.benningtonvalepress.com\/2011\/10\/harold-camping-in-custody-after.html","title":"Harold Camping in Custody After Attacking Plankers He Mistook for Saved Souls"}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"BC Bass"},"uri":{"$t":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/profile\/03955077314348723159"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"},"gd$image":{"rel":"http://schemas.google.com/g/2005#thumbnail","width":"23","height":"32","src":"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-MIYHN6OoEwc\/U2l7x9al6lI\/AAAAAAAAWqI\/RQs7GfIsfto\/s1600\/*"}}],"media$thumbnail":{"xmlns$media":"http://search.yahoo.com/mrss/","url":"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-R-6mdtldBrE\/TqIEvYS20rI\/AAAAAAAADgQ\/3Ph0ZMrV00s\/s72-c\/planking+sf.jpg","height":"72","width":"72"}},{"id":{"$t":"tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7536322267119235073.post-7038252306264814340"},"published":{"$t":"2011-10-21T12:38:00.000-07:00"},"updated":{"$t":"2011-10-21T12:38:11.781-07:00"},"category":[{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"apocalypse"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"christianity"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Countdown to the End Time"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"end of the world"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"family stations"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"harold camping"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Nation"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"satire"}],"title":{"type":"text","$t":"Harold Camping Confirms October 21 Apocalypse Redux, Westboro Baptist Church to Protest Planet’s Funeral"},"content":{"type":"html","$t":"\u003Cdiv class=\"separator\" style=\"clear: both; text-align: center;\"\u003E\u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-5c4oktxGKyI\/TcrzfwXChTI\/AAAAAAAACSQ\/Jz96GEcC70E\/s1600\/Harold-Camping.jpg\" imageanchor=\"1\" style=\"clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;\"\u003E\u003Cimg border=\"0\" height=\"200\" src=\"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-5c4oktxGKyI\/TcrzfwXChTI\/AAAAAAAACSQ\/Jz96GEcC70E\/s200\/Harold-Camping.jpg\" width=\"176\" \/\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003C\/div\u003E\u003Cb\u003ESAN NARCISO, Calif.\u003C\/b\u003E (\u003Ci\u003EBennington Vale Evening Transcript\u003C\/i\u003E) -- Family Stations’ End Time prophet, Harold Camping, has been unusually silent since his May 21 rapture prediction failed to materialize in the terrifying manner he envisioned. At that time, he rationalized the anticlimactic event as a “spiritual rapture,” in which sinners were placed on God’s naughty list while those slated for salvation were duly noted on His nice list. “More than ‘thy rod and thy staff,’ it seems that the Lord operates more bureaucratically,” said a spokesperson for Family Stations. “I guess you could look at it more from the perspective of ‘thy clipboard and thy form in triplicate.’ God may not play dice, as they say, but it seems that He’s a stickler for lists, process optimization and organizational best practices.”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ca name='more'\u003E\u003C\/a\u003EBack in May, Camping described a very corporeal apocalypse, featuring angels with bloody wings and a landscape strewn with carnage: “Judgment Day is feared by the world and is the day that God will destroy the world because of the sins of mankind. There’s no greater expression of the Lord’s undying love than tearing apart billions of men, women, and children through a series of excruciating terrors, drawn out over a five-month period of ongoing torture. As warrior angels descend from the heavens to feast on the entrails of your babies, take comfort in knowing that after their bones have been picked clean, and their screams of anguish have turned to gurgles of blood and despair, a better life awaits them.”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ENow, however, Camping has replaced some of his original fire and brimstone with bankruptcy and metaphor. Like the poet T.S. Eliot, Camping feels the world may end in a whimper. He cited the ruin of economies in Greece, the United States, Spain, Italy and other “sodomite” nations where homosexuality runs rampant. Like it or not, Camping explained, more devout regions in the Middle East enjoy solid financial positions “because, as Iran’s president said, they have no gays there. I mean, Greece practically invented gay. And America’s political system is based on the ramblings of Plato, so our entire foundation is gay.”\u0026nbsp;He also mentioned the minor earthquake that shook Berkeley, Calif., this morning, noting its proximity to San Francisco.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ECritics again dismissed Camping’s prophesies, illustrating that Camping suffered a stroke in June but was not taken to Heaven, calling into doubt his own credentials with the Almighty.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EStill, adopting a “better safe than sorry” mentality, Piers Addleson’s Pea House will be offering a “last meal” special until the world ends this evening (“Get Your Last Meal Here -- It’s Your Last Rite”). Local retailers will also be selling their remaining \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/www.benningtonvalepress.com\/2011\/05\/day-three-of-may-21-apocalypse.html\"\u003ERapture Kits\u003C\/a\u003E left over from May, at discounted prices. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAnd although skeptical, principals at the Westboro Baptist Church decided to hedge their bets by releasing a call for supporters to gather this evening and organize a protest for the six billion funerals likely to take place should the Lord decide to end the world. The controversial church also erected a giant pole outside its Kansas headquarters to count down the End Time in a fashion similar to the glowing ball over Times Square on New Year’s Eve. Their structure features a life-sized crucifix with an effigy of Harold Camping in drag that will begin its descent around 6:00 p.m. local time.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ci\u003E(c) 2011. See \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/www.benningtonvalepress.com\/p\/company.html\"\u003Edisclaimers\u003C\/a\u003E.\u003C\/i\u003E"},"link":[{"rel":"edit","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/7536322267119235073\/posts\/default\/7038252306264814340"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/7536322267119235073\/posts\/default\/7038252306264814340"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/www.benningtonvalepress.com\/2011\/10\/harold-camping-confirms-october-21.html","title":"Harold Camping Confirms October 21 Apocalypse Redux, Westboro Baptist Church to Protest Planet’s Funeral"}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"BC Bass"},"uri":{"$t":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/profile\/03955077314348723159"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"},"gd$image":{"rel":"http://schemas.google.com/g/2005#thumbnail","width":"23","height":"32","src":"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-MIYHN6OoEwc\/U2l7x9al6lI\/AAAAAAAAWqI\/RQs7GfIsfto\/s1600\/*"}}],"media$thumbnail":{"xmlns$media":"http://search.yahoo.com/mrss/","url":"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-5c4oktxGKyI\/TcrzfwXChTI\/AAAAAAAACSQ\/Jz96GEcC70E\/s72-c\/Harold-Camping.jpg","height":"72","width":"72"}},{"id":{"$t":"tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7536322267119235073.post-4568427709069453717"},"published":{"$t":"2011-05-19T11:04:00.000-07:00"},"updated":{"$t":"2011-05-19T11:04:27.698-07:00"},"category":[{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"apocalypse"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"bible"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"christianity"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Countdown to the End Time"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"end of the world"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"family stations"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"google doodle"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"harold camping"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"heaven"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"News in Photos"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"rapture"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"satire"}],"title":{"type":"text","$t":"News in Photos: Google to Release \"Doomsday Doodle\" for May 21 Apocalypse"},"content":{"type":"html","$t":"\u003Ctable align=\"center\" cellpadding=\"0\" cellspacing=\"0\" class=\"tr-caption-container\" style=\"margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;\"\u003E\u003Ctbody\u003E\u003Ctr\u003E\u003Ctd style=\"text-align: center;\"\u003E\u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/1.bp.blogspot.com\/-lF6IiMfUJRQ\/TdVVsk6av3I\/AAAAAAAAB4o\/GErLUv3pdGw\/s1600\/Google+Doomsday+Doodle.png\" imageanchor=\"1\" style=\"margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;\"\u003E\u003Cimg border=\"0\" height=\"318\" src=\"http:\/\/1.bp.blogspot.com\/-lF6IiMfUJRQ\/TdVVsk6av3I\/AAAAAAAAB4o\/GErLUv3pdGw\/s400\/Google+Doomsday+Doodle.png\" width=\"400\" \/\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003C\/td\u003E\u003C\/tr\u003E\u003Ctr\u003E\u003Ctd class=\"tr-caption\" style=\"text-align: center;\"\u003EClick to enlarge\u003C\/td\u003E\u003C\/tr\u003E\u003C\/tbody\u003E\u003C\/table\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EWith Judgment Day nearly upon us, Google has created a very special Doodle -- the last of its kind -- to commemorate its successes and loyal user community. A company spokesperson said, \"It's hard to believe we must part so soon, but search for us in Heaven. We're not sure about access to technology in the sweet hereafter, but we're confident that voice and image searches can still be conducted. We thank you all. By having access to your data, we feel that we've really gotten to know you intimately...perhaps better than your own families. You will be missed. Rest assured, we never sold any of your search information to marketing companies. Good luck in Hell, Facebook.\"\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ci\u003E(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.\u003C\/i\u003E"},"link":[{"rel":"edit","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/7536322267119235073\/posts\/default\/4568427709069453717"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/7536322267119235073\/posts\/default\/4568427709069453717"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/www.benningtonvalepress.com\/2011\/05\/news-in-photos-google-to-release.html","title":"News in Photos: Google to Release \"Doomsday Doodle\" for May 21 Apocalypse"}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"BC Bass"},"uri":{"$t":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/profile\/03955077314348723159"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"},"gd$image":{"rel":"http://schemas.google.com/g/2005#thumbnail","width":"23","height":"32","src":"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-MIYHN6OoEwc\/U2l7x9al6lI\/AAAAAAAAWqI\/RQs7GfIsfto\/s1600\/*"}}],"media$thumbnail":{"xmlns$media":"http://search.yahoo.com/mrss/","url":"http:\/\/1.bp.blogspot.com\/-lF6IiMfUJRQ\/TdVVsk6av3I\/AAAAAAAAB4o\/GErLUv3pdGw\/s72-c\/Google+Doomsday+Doodle.png","height":"72","width":"72"}},{"id":{"$t":"tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7536322267119235073.post-343005254507553181"},"published":{"$t":"2011-05-18T15:26:00.000-07:00"},"updated":{"$t":"2011-05-18T15:26:33.510-07:00"},"category":[{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"antichrist"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"apocalypse"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"arnold schwarzenegger"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Countdown to the End Time"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"family stations"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"harold camping"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"imf"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"judgment day"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Nation"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"oprah winfrey"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"satire"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"strauss-kahn"}],"title":{"type":"text","$t":"Day Six of May 21 Apocalypse: Harold Camping Narrows Down Identity of Antichrist"},"content":{"type":"html","$t":"\u003Ctable cellpadding=\"0\" cellspacing=\"0\" class=\"tr-caption-container\" style=\"float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;\"\u003E\u003Ctbody\u003E\u003Ctr\u003E\u003Ctd style=\"text-align: center;\"\u003E\u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-RxZ-67-LBTc\/TdRGRd-U4dI\/AAAAAAAAB4g\/I6aiwJ2tmXk\/s1600\/endofdays794dr.jpg\" imageanchor=\"1\" style=\"clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;\"\u003E\u003Cimg border=\"0\" height=\"133\" src=\"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-RxZ-67-LBTc\/TdRGRd-U4dI\/AAAAAAAAB4g\/I6aiwJ2tmXk\/s200\/endofdays794dr.jpg\" width=\"200\" \/\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003C\/td\u003E\u003C\/tr\u003E\u003Ctr\u003E\u003Ctd class=\"tr-caption\" style=\"text-align: center;\"\u003ECourtesy Universal Pictures\u003C\/td\u003E\u003C\/tr\u003E\u003C\/tbody\u003E\u003C\/table\u003E\u003Cb\u003ESAN NARCISO, Calif.\u003C\/b\u003E -- With just two days and a few hours of life remaining for the denizens of God’s creation, Judgment Day mouthpiece Harold Camping -- of Christian media leviathan, Family Stations -- has divulged more details about the Second Coming of Christ. In Camping’s latest revelation, he attempts to narrow down the identity of the Antichrist. As foretold in the Book of Revelations, the nemesis of the Lord will likely assume the misleading form of a savior, widely believed to be a politician or an individual holding enormous global sway. Based on Family Stations’ Wednesday broadcast, former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the disgraced managing director of the International Monetary Fund (IMF), have become Camping’s two most feasible suspects.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ca name='more'\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003Cb\u003EThe Terminator\u003C\/b\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ECamping had targeted Arnold Schwarzenegger as his front-runner until the news of Strauss-Kahn’s arrest for rape this week. Family Stations representatives provided the following justification for Schwarzenegger’s qualifications as Antichrist.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cblockquote\u003EArnold Schwarzenegger seems the perfect candidate. His family history is checkered and morally dubious. First of all, he comes from a long and storied line of Nazis. His father Gustav was a member of the Nazi Party. Then there’s Kurt Waldheim, former secretary general of the United Nations, who was discovered to have participated in Nazi atrocities during World War II. That information came to light while he was running for president of Austria in 1986. Why is this important? Because Mr. Waldheim is a close friend of Mr. Schwarzenegger. And Waldheim wasn’t just any Nazi. His name appears on the Wehrmacht’s “honor list.” \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThat Austria, where both men are from, had opposed Hitler’s regime until forced into it through the Anschluss, is particularly poignant given that the Schwarzeneggers and Waldheims were on board with genocide from the start.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EArnold Schwarzenegger was also a notorious drug user. He famously smoked pot on camera in one of his homoerotic muscle movies. He later admitted to steroid use. He hung around Steve Reeves a lot too. If you don’t understand the impact of that, ask a homosexual. Then condemn him and run away.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAnd of course, Schwarzenegger cherished his film role as the Terminator, an unstoppable beast sent to destroy all humankind in order to create a soulless new world through a nuclear holocaust. He also starred in a film about the apocalypse called “End of Days.” Coincidence? Nope. And in that awful film, the devil possesses him, at which point he attempts to rape an innocent girl. This too closely mirrors Schwarzenegger’s real life.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EWe also believe that the letters of his last name, rearranged, impart a dreadful warning. Our research concludes that his name is an anagram for “Czar’s Egg When Re.” A czar is an evil communist tyrant. His egg would be the spawn of the devil. And “when Re” would allude to the return of the heathen Egyptian god Amen-Re, a possible reference to humans resuming worship of false idols and demons.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EMr. Schwarzenegger’s credentials as a harbinger of Doomsday are truly difficult to deny.\u003C\/blockquote\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cb\u003EOverturning the Tables of an Evil Money Lender\u003C\/b\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EIMF head Dominique Strauss-Kahn was charged with seven criminal counts on Monday and faces a possible 25-year sentence after being accused of sexual assault on a hotel worker in New York City. He remains in jail at Rikers Island as a grand jury weighs the evidence to indict him. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAccording to the plaintiff, Strauss-Kahn emerged from his bathroom naked, grunting like a “rutting chimpanzee.” He then allegedly forced the plaintiff to the ground and engaged in a series of humiliating and unsanitary sex acts that, while legal in France, are outlawed in the United States.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ETheologians from Family Stations clarified their reasons for now considering Strauss-Kahn a possible Antichrist contender:\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cblockquote\u003EMr. Strauss-Kahn, despite his penchant for rape, has unparalleled power and influence in the theater of global economics. Although he is being pressured to resign, his departure could jeopardize many sensitive political situations brewing across the world. In many ways, he maintains a delicate balance between frail alliances.  \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EBut now Brazilian and Chinese foreign ministries are using Strauss-Kahn’s arrest as leverage to end the World War II-era “gentleman’s agreement” that guaranteed Europe the managing director’s post. If that came to pass, and the IMF became controlled by a non-European director, we could see the collapse of world markets in a matter of days, as Islamic terrorists or brown-skinned communists assumed his mantle. But perhaps this was all part of his master plan to destabilize the world, create chaos, and usher in the legions of Hell.\u003C\/blockquote\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cb\u003EThe Uncomfortable Parallels and Prophesies\u003C\/b\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThe most interesting correlation between the two men, in Camping’s expert analysis, is that they have held positions of significant power in large economies of scale, have at one time been touted as saviors, and have molested their servants.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E“These are all signs described by John, if you fully comprehend his Revelation,” Camping claimed. “There are so many specific references to sexual transgressions involving menial servants. In the prologue to the first Revelation, it is written, ‘God gave him to show his servants what must soon take place.’ We interpret this to mean that the Antichrist will display his penis to a hapless maid and produce a scion through her. It’s clear that God warned humans of this eventuality. But it gets worse. In the second Revelation, it is written that the Antichrist ‘misleads my servants into sexual immorality.’ Then in the third book it says, ‘I am coming soon.’ Right there! That’s the climax of the Beast’s sexual congress with the servant. The evidence is beyond refute. This is happening, friends. It has happened.”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ECamping, for his money, says that he is still betting on Schwarzenegger as the Antichrist, and believes this will be revealed on the last episode of “The Oprah Winfrey Show,” where Schwarzenegger’s estranged wife Maria Shriver is slated to appear.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E“I wouldn’t want to make a definite claim just yet, because I haven’t finished my studies on the matter,” Harold Camping cautioned. “But Strauss-Kahn has not produced an illegitimate offspring that we know of. Arnold Schwarzenegger most certainly has.”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EMildred Patricia Baena had been a housekeeper for Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver for over 20 years. Schwarzenegger fathered a son with her during that time, which was only recently made public. The product of their union is now 13 years old.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E“Thirteen,” Camping mused. “Not a godly number, is it? I think that says it all.”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EFor continuing coverage of the planet’s last days, check the “\u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/www.benningtonvalepress.com\/search\/label\/Countdown%20to%20the%20End%20Time\"\u003ECountdown to the End Time\u003C\/a\u003E” section of the paper.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ci\u003E(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.\u003C\/i\u003E"},"link":[{"rel":"edit","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/7536322267119235073\/posts\/default\/343005254507553181"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/7536322267119235073\/posts\/default\/343005254507553181"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/www.benningtonvalepress.com\/2011\/05\/day-six-of-may-21-apocalypse-harold.html","title":"Day Six of May 21 Apocalypse: Harold Camping Narrows Down Identity of Antichrist"}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"BC Bass"},"uri":{"$t":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/profile\/03955077314348723159"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"},"gd$image":{"rel":"http://schemas.google.com/g/2005#thumbnail","width":"23","height":"32","src":"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-MIYHN6OoEwc\/U2l7x9al6lI\/AAAAAAAAWqI\/RQs7GfIsfto\/s1600\/*"}}],"media$thumbnail":{"xmlns$media":"http://search.yahoo.com/mrss/","url":"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-RxZ-67-LBTc\/TdRGRd-U4dI\/AAAAAAAAB4g\/I6aiwJ2tmXk\/s72-c\/endofdays794dr.jpg","height":"72","width":"72"}},{"id":{"$t":"tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7536322267119235073.post-3741058556269564957"},"published":{"$t":"2011-05-17T09:06:00.000-07:00"},"updated":{"$t":"2011-05-17T13:45:47.298-07:00"},"category":[{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"apocalypse"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"bible"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"christianity"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Countdown to the End Time"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"end of the world"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Entertainment"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"family stations"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"harold camping"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"heaven"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"music"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"pink floyd"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"rapture"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"religion"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"satire"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"the smiths"}],"title":{"type":"text","$t":"Day Five of May 21 Apocalypse Signs: The Smiths and Pink Floyd to Reform for Judgment Day"},"content":{"type":"html","$t":"\u003Cdiv class=\"separator\" style=\"clear: both; text-align: center;\"\u003E\u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/1.bp.blogspot.com\/-4S8FQ2Qwqas\/TdKbyPtH3TI\/AAAAAAAAB38\/s1S7tSj9KxQ\/s1600\/Floyd+Smiths.jpg\" imageanchor=\"1\" style=\"clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;\"\u003E\u003Cimg border=\"0\" height=\"200\" src=\"http:\/\/1.bp.blogspot.com\/-4S8FQ2Qwqas\/TdKbyPtH3TI\/AAAAAAAAB38\/s1S7tSj9KxQ\/s200\/Floyd+Smiths.jpg\" width=\"141\" \/\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003C\/div\u003E\u003Cb\u003ELONDON, U.K.\u003C\/b\u003E -- Alternative music pioneers Morrissey and Johnny Marr, co-founders of The Smiths, have often told reporters that a reunion would happen only if the world was about to end. With that eventuality slated for May 21, the musicians have announced the long-awaited reunion of the band. Progressive rock legends Pink Floyd have also agreed to a live Judgment Day concert under a similar rationale.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ca name='more'\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003Cb\u003EThe Smiths\u003C\/b\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThe Smiths were an English rock group formed in Manchester in 1982, driven by the songwriting partnership of Steven Morrissey (vocals) and Johnny Marr (guitar). Critics have called them the most important alternative rock band to emerge from the British independent music scene of the 1980s. The Smiths enjoyed limited commercial success outside the United Kingdom while they were still together, but have since developed a strong cult following. Their rabid fan base is testament to the allure of Morrissey’s mordant, tongue-in-check humor and Marr’s 60s-influenced guitar arrangements, especially considering that the group never released a single that charted higher than number 10 in their home country. The group disbanded in 1987 amid disagreements. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EDespite years of tearful and angst-laden appeals from manic fans, Morrissey and Marr turned down several proposals to reunite and play. In 2006, after organizers of the Coachella Music Festival offered The Smiths $5 million to perform, Morrissey famously told British entertainment industry magazine \u003Ci\u003EUncut\u003C\/i\u003E that he would “rather eat [his] own testicles than re-form The Smiths, and that’s saying something for a vegetarian.”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EBased on the news today, it would seem that Morrissey no longer sees meat as murder and is preparing to feast on his manhood. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EJohnny Marr and Steven Morrissey announced that The Smiths have reached an “end of the world scenario” understanding and will finish recording a new album in studio for immediate release. The working title is “Making Fat Girls Cry.”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThe songwriting duo assure fans that the forthcoming record will also wring sobs from sexually confused young men and ironic hipsters. Proposed tracks include titles such as “Bastard Angels,” “Biscuit Massacre and Nosebleed Suicide,” “Bollocks - Food of the Gods,” “Blair Bitch Project,” “Thatcher Cottage,” “I’ll Save You from Me,” “That Thing in My Mirror,” and “The Vicar’s Ballgag.”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EInsiders also report a hidden track, dedicated to the May 21 End Times prophet Harold Camping, called “Beastly Family’s Gone Camping.”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EMorrissey and Marr promised fans the original line up, with Andy Rourke (bass) and Mike Joyce (drums) joining them in Spain where they have transformed a villa into a comfortable recording studio. Diehard followers received news of the reunion with a mix of euphoria and confusion, the bewilderment arising over who Andy Rourke and Mike Joyce were.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cb\u003EPink Floyd\u003C\/b\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EPink Floyd became widely heralded as pioneers of the progressive rock era, and the group retains a strong fan following today. The band also boasts one of the music industry’s longest best-selling albums of all time. They have sold over 200 million records worldwide, including 74.5 million in the United States alone. The band was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 1996.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EHead lyricist and bassist Roger Waters left the group in 1985 amid deep disagreements and legal battles with the remaining band members. Although several hints at a reunion have been discussed since that time, neither Waters nor current Pink Floyd frontman David Gilmour could resolve their differences. Further complicating matters was the death of keyboardist Richard Wright in 2008.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EHowever, with the End of Days looming, all surviving band members have agreed to set aside their conflicts and reunite for a live performance of “The Wall” on May 21, beginning at 6:05 p.m. EDT, approximately five minutes after the apocalypse.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EIn a jointly issued press statement, Pink Floyd bandsmen explained the unorthodox scheduling: “We wanted to capitalize on the supernatural moment of Rapture, when the worlds of the living and dead crossed over and merged with one another, so that we could perform with the full Pink Floyd line up, including its founding members.”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EWaters and Gilmour hope to invite deceased Pink Floyd musicians Richard Wright and original lead singer\/guitarist Syd Barrett, whom Gilmour later replaced, on stage for several of the songs. Barrett died in 2006.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EFor continuing coverage of the planet’s last days, check the “\u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/www.benningtonvalepress.com\/search\/label\/Countdown%20to%20the%20End%20Time\"\u003ECountdown to the End Time\u003C\/a\u003E” section of the paper.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ci\u003E(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.\u003C\/i\u003E"},"link":[{"rel":"edit","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/7536322267119235073\/posts\/default\/3741058556269564957"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/7536322267119235073\/posts\/default\/3741058556269564957"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/www.benningtonvalepress.com\/2011\/05\/day-five-of-may-21-apocalypse-signs.html","title":"Day Five of May 21 Apocalypse Signs: The Smiths and Pink Floyd to Reform for Judgment Day"}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"BC Bass"},"uri":{"$t":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/profile\/03955077314348723159"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"},"gd$image":{"rel":"http://schemas.google.com/g/2005#thumbnail","width":"23","height":"32","src":"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-MIYHN6OoEwc\/U2l7x9al6lI\/AAAAAAAAWqI\/RQs7GfIsfto\/s1600\/*"}}],"media$thumbnail":{"xmlns$media":"http://search.yahoo.com/mrss/","url":"http:\/\/1.bp.blogspot.com\/-4S8FQ2Qwqas\/TdKbyPtH3TI\/AAAAAAAAB38\/s1S7tSj9KxQ\/s72-c\/Floyd+Smiths.jpg","height":"72","width":"72"}},{"id":{"$t":"tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7536322267119235073.post-7594017935041011970"},"published":{"$t":"2011-05-16T12:56:00.000-07:00"},"updated":{"$t":"2011-05-16T12:56:40.133-07:00"},"category":[{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"apocalypse"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"bible"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"catholic"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Countdown to the End Time"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"end of the world"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"family stations"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"harold camping"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"heaven"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"ira"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"jesus"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"rapture"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"religion"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"satire"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"stephen hawking"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"World News"}],"title":{"type":"text","$t":"Day Four of May 21 Apocalypse: Stephen Hawking Denounces Heaven and Catholic Church Loses Majority of Priests After Child Molestation Crackdown Announcement"},"content":{"type":"html","$t":"\u003Cdiv class=\"separator\" style=\"clear: both; text-align: center;\"\u003E\u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/2.bp.blogspot.com\/-X7osxFlf504\/TdGBPeRtL6I\/AAAAAAAAB30\/t2TWWCL8oHk\/s1600\/Hawking+Heaven.png\" imageanchor=\"1\" style=\"clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;\"\u003E\u003Cimg border=\"0\" height=\"188\" src=\"http:\/\/2.bp.blogspot.com\/-X7osxFlf504\/TdGBPeRtL6I\/AAAAAAAAB30\/t2TWWCL8oHk\/s200\/Hawking+Heaven.png\" width=\"200\" \/\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003C\/div\u003E\u003Cb\u003ESAN NARCISO, Calif.\u003C\/b\u003E -- With just four days remaining in the planet’s unraveling circle of life, the grim and inexplicably bizarre omens of Doomsday continue to sweep the globe. The May 21 Judgment Day prophesy of Harold Camping, initially met with vast skepticism, now appears to have gained enough traction to make even the most agnostic among us rethink the inevitability of existence beyond this weekend, due in large part to the media’s tireless reporting of disasters around the world. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E“One man in New York spent his entire life savings of $140,000 to help get our message out,” said one of Camping’s representatives from Christian broadcaster Family Stations. “This is precisely what all of us should be doing now. And donating that money to Family Stations may just help grease the palms of our Lord Jesus Christ. The fate of your soul is in His hands, after all. A little proof of your willingness to sacrifice, in honor of His sacrifice, couldn’t hurt.”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ca name='more'\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003Cb\u003EFight to End Human Rights in Syria Honors God\u003C\/b\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAt least 15 Syrian tanks pushed into a rural area near the Lebanese border Sunday night, where security forces have concentrated their fight against pro-democracy demonstrations, specifically targeting human rights activists. One protest group said at least seven Syrian civilians were killed during heavy shelling from government artillery. Sniper fire sent another civilian to Allah’s judgment on Monday, raising the death toll to 12 since the actions began on Saturday.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ESyrian officials claimed that those seeking democracy were dishonoring Allah as the end of the world approaches.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E“We are trying to make sure as many Syrians as possible reach their final rewards by May 21,” said one military spokesperson. “You cannot argue that there is one Lord who rules the Kingdom unconditionally. Calling for equality and democracy is to dispute the might and majesty of Allah. It is the same challenge to God’s authority that Satan offered. By crushing these protesters now, and eliminating any hope they may harbor for freedom and justice, we seek to impart a divine lesson in obedience and subjugation. Otherwise, they will end up in Hell, where democracy and equality exist in the flames of eternal torment. It is better to scrub toilets in Heaven than vote in Hell.”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cb\u003EGrave Robbers in Cypress Steal President’s Corpse\u003C\/b\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThree people in Cypress were found guilty of violating a burial ground and exhuming the body of former President Tassos Papadopoulos, who died of lung cancer in December 2008. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EIn court, the ghoulish vandals expressed little remorse for the desecration, citing an arcane Greek rite of sacrifice to please the deities of Olympus. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EOne of the defendants said in testimony, “For all the holes that Greeks throughout history have violated, we feel we are being unfairly prosecuted. As Almighty Zeus prepares to release the Titans, now is the time to appease his petty ego.”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cb\u003ENew Irish Terrorist Group Threatens Attack on Central London\u003C\/b\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EPolice in London say they have received a credible bomb threat on the eve of the first visit to Ireland by a British monarch in over a century. Despite a 1998 peace accord that ended Northern Ireland’s three decades of aggression with Great Britain, violence by dissidents opposed to the peace process has been increasing.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EA Northern Irish militant group, the Real IRA, told Queen Elizabeth last month that she was not welcome on Irish soil. The Queen has since changed her Twitter address.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThe Real IRA, to clarify, holds no direct ties to the Irish Republican Army (IRA) or its political arm, Sinn Fein. The group is widely considered to be a failed garage band with violent political leanings and no budget for marketing.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E“They tried to call themselves ‘The New IRA,’ but there was a punk band with that name already,” said one Irish intelligence officer. “Then they changed their name to ‘The New Improved IRA.’ But a local bank had used that term for a retirement account promotion. They went through another series of name changes, the likes of ‘The Original Terrorists,’ ‘The New Original Terrorists,’ and ‘The McNasties’ until they settled on ‘The Real IRA.’ Pathetic how any loser can get his hands on explosives these days.”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cb\u003EPhysicist Stephen Hawking Calls Heaven a Fairy Tale\u003C\/b\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EIn a press interview preceding the Google Zeitgeist meeting in London, eminent theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking called Heaven a “fairy story for people afraid of the dark.”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThe comment drew gasps and outrage from Christians in attendance. Harold Camping’s group immediately seized on the opportunity, pointing out that science is one of the most powerful tools in the devil’s arsenal of deceit.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EOne Family Stations radio personality said, “We laughed at his little voice box when it chirped this news, because the faithful can smell the sulphurous lies of Satan. Science is a Greek or Latin word for knowledge. I’m not sure which, because I speak God’s English. But it means knowledge. And eating from the Tree of Knowledge is the reason we were booted out of Eden. Mr. Hawking, like all other ‘scientists,’ is attempting to mislead Christians down the path of damnation by convincing them that Heaven doesn’t exist. Well for him, I assure you it doesn’t.”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAfter enduring protests for his blasphemous declaration, Hawking began irritating conference participants by incessantly repeating what they said using his little computerized voice box. He then made obscene comments about their wives. Female staff members hinted at unmentionable goings-on in the bathroom, where the scientist frequently required their “assistance.”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E“It’s difficult to understand his robot voice sometimes,” said a woman on the team responsible for organizing the event. “We thought he was saying, ‘Could you give me a hand,’ when in fact he was saying, ‘Could you give me your hand.’ It was disgusting. He’s a vile little toad.”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EHawking is a noted pervert.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cb\u003EVatican Announcement Leads to Mass Resignation of Priests\u003C\/b\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EIn a global announcement Monday, the Vatican told bishops that rooting out sexual abuses against children by priests must remain a priority.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EIn the official communication, all priests were urged to cooperate with civil authorities to end the molestation and pedophilia that have tainted the Church’s image around the world.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E“This is telling the world that we mean business. We want to be an example of prevention and care, and only through visibility and transparency can we right these grievous wrongs,” said one Vatican official, speaking on condition of anonymity.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EHowever, the Vatican’s efforts to clamp down on clergymen with roving eyes and wandering fingers has led to thousands of resignations. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EHarold Camping’s group said that with the exodus of so many priests, those seeking salvation as the end nears might face unexpected obstacles. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E“Fortunately,” Camping reiterated, “we know that churches are apostate and evil. This may be a blessing in disguise. Tuning in to our radio program will provide all the guidance serious Christians need in these dark times.”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EElated Homeland Security officials, however, cited peripheral benefits to the Vatican’s actions.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ETSA procurement personnel claim that since the groping procedures at airports were enacted, the number of job applicants has tripled.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ENorton Pinkerton, a San Narciso security consultant, said, “The pay might suck and the hours might be awful, but for people like that, legal permission to fondle under-aged passengers is a pretty big perk in their already robust benefits package.”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EFollow the paper’s “\u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/www.benningtonvalepress.com\/search\/label\/Countdown%20to%20the%20End%20Time\"\u003ECountdown to the End Time\u003C\/a\u003E” section for updates and breaking End of the World news.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ci\u003E(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.\u003C\/i\u003E"},"link":[{"rel":"edit","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/7536322267119235073\/posts\/default\/7594017935041011970"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/7536322267119235073\/posts\/default\/7594017935041011970"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/www.benningtonvalepress.com\/2011\/05\/day-four-of-may-21-apocalypse-stephen.html","title":"Day Four of May 21 Apocalypse: Stephen Hawking Denounces Heaven and Catholic Church Loses Majority of Priests After Child Molestation Crackdown Announcement"}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"BC Bass"},"uri":{"$t":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/profile\/03955077314348723159"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"},"gd$image":{"rel":"http://schemas.google.com/g/2005#thumbnail","width":"23","height":"32","src":"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-MIYHN6OoEwc\/U2l7x9al6lI\/AAAAAAAAWqI\/RQs7GfIsfto\/s1600\/*"}}],"media$thumbnail":{"xmlns$media":"http://search.yahoo.com/mrss/","url":"http:\/\/2.bp.blogspot.com\/-X7osxFlf504\/TdGBPeRtL6I\/AAAAAAAAB30\/t2TWWCL8oHk\/s72-c\/Hawking+Heaven.png","height":"72","width":"72"}},{"id":{"$t":"tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7536322267119235073.post-1324738661962101410"},"published":{"$t":"2011-05-13T12:41:00.000-07:00"},"updated":{"$t":"2011-05-13T12:41:43.111-07:00"},"category":[{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"apocalypse"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"bible"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"billy graham"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Community News"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Countdown to the End Time"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"end of the world"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"evangelical"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"family stations"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"harold camping"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"jesus"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"osama bin laden"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"rapture"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"religion"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"satire"}],"title":{"type":"text","$t":"Day Three of May 21 Apocalypse Disasters, Area Retailers to Sell Rapture Kits"},"content":{"type":"html","$t":"\u003Cdiv class=\"separator\" style=\"clear: both; text-align: center;\"\u003E\u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/1.bp.blogspot.com\/-FUaool_O0kA\/Tc2IoI300uI\/AAAAAAAAB24\/pMRAUBFu0Y8\/s1600\/bible-and-gun.jpg\" imageanchor=\"1\" style=\"clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;\"\u003E\u003Cimg border=\"0\" height=\"101\" src=\"http:\/\/1.bp.blogspot.com\/-FUaool_O0kA\/Tc2IoI300uI\/AAAAAAAAB24\/pMRAUBFu0Y8\/s200\/bible-and-gun.jpg\" width=\"200\" \/\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003C\/div\u003E\u003Cb\u003ESAN NARCISO, Calif.\u003C\/b\u003E -- The plagues of the End Times have shown no signs of relenting since Wednesday. This morning, a new series of Judgment Day horrors swept the world, affecting the United States, China, Spain, and Pakistan. Family Stations’ doom prophet, Harold Camping, called the developments “awesome news!” \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EHe also went on to say, “Judgment Day is feared by the world and is the day that God will destroy the world because of the sins of mankind. There’s no greater expression of the Lord’s undying love than tearing apart billions of men, women, and children through a series of excruciating terrors, drawn out over a five-month period of ongoing torture. As warrior angels descend from the heavens to feast on the entrails of your babies, take comfort in knowing that after their bones have been picked clean, and their screams of anguish have turned to gurgles of blood and despair, a better life awaits them.”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ETo help mitigate some of the impact, Bennington Vale retailers have today begun selling Rapture Kits across San Narciso County.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ca name='more'\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003Cb\u003EFriday’s Wrath of God\u003C\/b\u003E \u003Cbr \/\u003EFriday was particularly eventful in terms of death and destruction, according to Family Stations representatives. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E“It’s exciting to see how each day gets progressively worse,” one spokesperson told reporters. “Google couldn’t even get Blogger working for two days. Obviously, God’s beginning to bring down the blasphemous media to clear the airwaves for Harold Camping’s instruction.”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EFriday’s recipients of the Lord’s lovingly vengeful affection span four countries.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EIn Mount Prospect, Ill., a Metra train derailed after shearing the cab from a truck idling too close to the tracks, killing the truck’s driver. Also in the United States, storms have continued to swell the Mississippi river. Engineers fear that the threat of levees being breached may be inevitable at this point.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EOn the Spanish resort island of Tenerife, a mentally ill, 28-year-old Bulgarian man decapitated a British woman in a supermarket and then fled into the streets, still clutching her head. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EIn China’s Gansu province, a disgruntled bank employee detonated a petrol bomb and wounded 49 people.  \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ESuicide bombers attacked a Pakistani paramilitary academy Friday, killing 80 people to avenge the death of Osama bin Laden. In related matters, U.S. officials also announced that they had recovered an extensive cache of porn from bin Laden’s Abbottabad compound. Possession of pornographic materials would be a sin to an orthodox Islamic extremist such as Osama bin Laden. However, one U.S. official said that witnesses heard bin Laden protesting many times, “I do not want your big box of porn, Aniq.”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cb\u003ERapture Kits For Sale in San Narciso County\u003C\/b\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EGottsgeld Department Store at Santa Calcetines’ Buffum Center Plaza will serve as the primary location to purchase specially designed Rapture Kits for family and friends.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EMayor Manny DiPresso urged all community members to consider the purchase of the these products: “Sure, they’re a tad expensive -- ranging anywhere from $1,500 to $5,000 per kit -- but we think it’s a worthwhile expenditure. How can you place a price tag on the immortal souls of your loved ones? Also, you can’t take it with you.”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EIncluded in the kits are the following items:\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cul\u003E\u003Cli\u003EOne nine-millimeter automatic pistol\u003C\/li\u003E\u003Cli\u003ETwo boxes of ammunition\u003C\/li\u003E\u003Cli\u003EOne drug issue containing antibiotics, morphine, vitamin pills, pep pills, sleeping pills, tranquilizer pills, and seven vials of holy water\u003C\/li\u003E\u003Cli\u003EOne miniature combination Aramaic phrase book and King James Bible, edited by Harold Camping\u003C\/li\u003E\u003Cli\u003ENine packs of sugar-free chewing gum\u003C\/li\u003E\u003Cli\u003EOne issue of prophylactics\u003C\/li\u003E\u003Cli\u003EThree lipsticks\u003C\/li\u003E\u003Cli\u003EThree pair of nylon stockings\u003C\/li\u003E\u003Cli\u003EList of key neo-conservative talking points, to please the Lord, provided by Fox News\u003C\/li\u003E\u003Cli\u003EOne “I Heart Unborn Babies” bumper sticker\u003C\/li\u003E\u003Cli\u003EOne foil Rapture helmet\u003C\/li\u003E\u003Cli\u003EList of major religions, including numerous Christian denominations, to avoid and shun\u003C\/li\u003E\u003Cli\u003E“Kill a Queer for Christ” t-shirts\u003C\/li\u003E\u003Cli\u003EOne pamphlet of phrases guaranteed to flatter Saint Peter\u003C\/li\u003E\u003Cli\u003EOne instructional brochure entitled “How to Identify the Anti-Christ,” with a photograph of Congressional Democrats on the cover\u003C\/li\u003E\u003C\/ul\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAdditional services for sale include family crucifixions at the seasonal Christmas Tree Lot\/Pumpkin Patch off Kinneret Canyon Highway.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThose in line to be saved are also reminded to take the following precautions:\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cul\u003E\u003Cli\u003ECancel all reservations and summer camp plans for children\u003C\/li\u003E\u003Cli\u003ERescind all birthday party invitations\u003C\/li\u003E\u003Cli\u003ETell students not to study for final exams or complete pending homework assignments\u003C\/li\u003E\u003Cli\u003EEnsure that all activities slated for next weekend can be easily cut short if necessary, keeping loved ones close to home\u003C\/li\u003E\u003Cli\u003ECancel all scheduled bill payments and health insurance plans (supporting the Republican efforts to abolish Medicare is also highly recommended)\u003C\/li\u003E\u003Cli\u003EDefault on any outstanding loans\u003C\/li\u003E\u003Cli\u003EDistance yourselves from any people, even public officials, attempting to persuade you that the world will not end on May 21; they are likely to be agents of the Beast\u003C\/li\u003E\u003C\/ul\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EContinue to follow coverage of the Earth’s final days in our “\u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/www.benningtonvalepress.com\/search\/label\/Countdown%20to%20the%20End%20Time\"\u003ECountdown to the End Times\u003C\/a\u003E” section.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ci\u003E(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.\u003C\/i\u003E"},"link":[{"rel":"edit","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/7536322267119235073\/posts\/default\/1324738661962101410"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/7536322267119235073\/posts\/default\/1324738661962101410"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/www.benningtonvalepress.com\/2011\/05\/day-three-of-may-21-apocalypse.html","title":"Day Three of May 21 Apocalypse Disasters, Area Retailers to Sell Rapture Kits"}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"BC Bass"},"uri":{"$t":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/profile\/03955077314348723159"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"},"gd$image":{"rel":"http://schemas.google.com/g/2005#thumbnail","width":"23","height":"32","src":"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-MIYHN6OoEwc\/U2l7x9al6lI\/AAAAAAAAWqI\/RQs7GfIsfto\/s1600\/*"}}],"media$thumbnail":{"xmlns$media":"http://search.yahoo.com/mrss/","url":"http:\/\/1.bp.blogspot.com\/-FUaool_O0kA\/Tc2IoI300uI\/AAAAAAAAB24\/pMRAUBFu0Y8\/s72-c\/bible-and-gun.jpg","height":"72","width":"72"}},{"id":{"$t":"tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7536322267119235073.post-7112068634475755473"},"published":{"$t":"2011-05-13T09:54:00.000-07:00"},"updated":{"$t":"2011-05-13T09:54:26.589-07:00"},"category":[{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"apocalypse"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"bible"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"billy graham"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Countdown to the End Time"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"end of the world"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"evangelical"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"family stations"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"harold camping"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"jesus"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"levees"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"mississippi river"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"rapture"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"religion"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"satire"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"storms"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"texas"}],"title":{"type":"text","$t":"Second Day of May 21 Apocalypse Disasters Hit Southern U.S. States and Billy Graham"},"content":{"type":"html","$t":"\u003Cdiv class=\"separator\" style=\"clear: both; text-align: center;\"\u003E\u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/3.bp.blogspot.com\/-rfQrMoBB1Hg\/Tc1iLgQqCMI\/AAAAAAAAB2w\/h19lnXv6RWI\/s1600\/Texas+Storms.jpg\" imageanchor=\"1\" style=\"clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;\"\u003E\u003Cimg border=\"0\" height=\"130\" src=\"http:\/\/3.bp.blogspot.com\/-rfQrMoBB1Hg\/Tc1iLgQqCMI\/AAAAAAAAB2w\/h19lnXv6RWI\/s200\/Texas+Storms.jpg\" width=\"200\" \/\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003C\/div\u003E\u003Cb\u003ESAN ANTONIO, Texas\u003C\/b\u003E -- Severe storms across several states in the southern region of the United States caused havoc on Thursday, leaving a wake of property damage and power outages behind. With these storms coming just a day after the destructive earthquake in Spain, Harold Camping, Family Stations’ president, was elated to report that God’s wrath is progressing according to plan, and that the end of the world should certainly begin on May 21, as prophesied.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ca name='more'\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003Cb\u003ETexas Storms\u003C\/b\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAccording to the National Weather Service, hail the size of golf balls battered San Antonio on Thursday. By early morning, over one inch of rain had already fallen. The forecast for Austin appeared equally grim, with about 5,000 Austin Energy customers left without power as of this writing.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EResidents in Uvalde, Dimmit, and Lee Counties also reported three tornado sightings.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cb\u003ELevees Could be Breached in Mississippi and Louisiana\u003C\/b\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EHaving already flooded hundreds of thousands of acres of land across the South, the rain-swollen Mississippi River is now threatening levees in Mississippi and Louisiana. Workers are tirelessly struggling to reinforce the water retaining structures to protect riverfront towns as the levels rise.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cb\u003EPriority Rapture Seating for Some Christians\u003C\/b\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EIn related news, 92-year-old evangelist Billy Graham has been hospitalized with pneumonia. Sources close to Family Stations explained that some of God’s chosen followers may be spared the torments to come, and will be called to Heaven before the October 21 collapse of the universe in its entirety.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAlthough Graham’s doctor verified that antibiotics have been administered and that the religious icon remains in stable condition, Family Stations insiders say that their followers are being urged to pray for Graham’s health to take a turn for the worst. \u003Cbr \/\u003E“It would be a shame to think that someone as instrumental to the Christian movement as Mr. Graham would have to endure the unimaginable agony of Armageddon,” one church spokesperson told reporters. “Our prayers for Billy Graham’s sudden death in the night go out to his family and congregation.”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThe spokesman also said that Harold Camping has grave concerns for those people in Texas without access to electricity and, therefore, the Internet and radio.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E“The Bible is very clear -- salvation is unmerited, cannot be achieved by good works or prayer, and is a pure act of God’s grace. The only hope available to Christians is to listen to Mr. Camping’s radio program for instruction. But without power, the people in Texas may be damned. There’s nothing we can do to help, and we feel just awful about it. I imagine they’ll try to take shelter in local houses of worship, but that could be even more dangerous. Churches have become apostate. They’re deceitful tools of the devil. Time, though, is a critical factor right now. Heaven’s filling up to capacity, and we may just have to cut our losses with Texas.”\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EWhen pressed to clarify the capacity of Heaven, Family Stations representatives informed \u003Ci\u003EThe Bennington Vale Evening Transcript\u003C\/i\u003E that, based on Camping’s infallible calculations, only 200 million souls will be saved. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EWith 153,000 deaths occurring per day around the globe, according to World Health Organization data, Heaven would likely have reached its limit of souls in 3.5 years, absent the certainty of the Rapture. However, with the five-month period of apocalypse ramping up, Camping’s analysts predict that the Lord will be calling approximately 1.4 million souls home per day from here on out.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EContinue to follow all the breaking End Times news in our dedicated “\u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/www.benningtonvalepress.com\/search\/label\/Countdown%20to%20the%20End%20Time\"\u003ECountdown to the End Times\u003C\/a\u003E” section.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ci\u003E(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.\u003C\/i\u003E"},"link":[{"rel":"edit","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/7536322267119235073\/posts\/default\/7112068634475755473"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/7536322267119235073\/posts\/default\/7112068634475755473"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/www.benningtonvalepress.com\/2011\/05\/second-day-of-may-21-apocalypse.html","title":"Second Day of May 21 Apocalypse Disasters Hit Southern U.S. States and Billy Graham"}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"BC Bass"},"uri":{"$t":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/profile\/03955077314348723159"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"},"gd$image":{"rel":"http://schemas.google.com/g/2005#thumbnail","width":"23","height":"32","src":"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-MIYHN6OoEwc\/U2l7x9al6lI\/AAAAAAAAWqI\/RQs7GfIsfto\/s1600\/*"}}],"media$thumbnail":{"xmlns$media":"http://search.yahoo.com/mrss/","url":"http:\/\/3.bp.blogspot.com\/-rfQrMoBB1Hg\/Tc1iLgQqCMI\/AAAAAAAAB2w\/h19lnXv6RWI\/s72-c\/Texas+Storms.jpg","height":"72","width":"72"}}]}});