LIHUE, Hawaii (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Transportation Safety Administration (TSA) officials came under fire again Friday after refusing to let a businesswoman board a plane Wednesday with her breast pump. The victim was commuting from Lihue to Maui with her nine-month-old daughter, whom TSA officials also flagged for additional screening. Since July 2011, TSA screeners have been encouraged to grope young boys and girls freely as part of enhanced "pat down" policies. Administrator John Pistole defended the practice, citing the integrity of the agency's employees and its selection process: "We train and oversee these individuals thoroughly. If you think the airport security line is painful, you should see the screening process our candidates must undergo during their interviews. Leaving your child alone in a closed room with an officer while he conducts a rigorous cavity search should raise no more alarm than your child visiting a priest's chambers." Interestingly, the number of former priests and retired congresspeople hiring on at the TSA has steadily increased over the last three years. Most recently, disgraced Penn State Assistant Coach Jerry Sandusky applied for a seasonal position as an agent at Orlando International Airport, near Florida's Walt Disney World Resort.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Attempting to stanch the persistent distraction of questions concerning his citizenship, President Obama on Wednesday released the long-form birth certificate his incredulous critics have been demanding. The document, signed and sealed, revealed that Obama was born at Kapiolani Maternity & Gynecological Hospital in Honolulu, as he has always claimed. Donald Trump, one of Obama’s most vocal skeptics, expressed triumph with his personal crusade to put the “birther” doubts to rest. “I am really honored, frankly, to have played such a big role in hopefully getting rid of this issue,” said Trump.

But he also cautioned against drawing premature conclusions, contending that the document will need to be vetted for authenticity. More shockingly, Tea Party Republicans in Congress have now announced the formation of an exploratory committee to determine whether Hawaii is legitimately a U.S. state.