SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Toyota Motor Corp. revealed on Wednesday that it may take a step back from engineering automobiles to revive the slot car racing craze that swept the 1970s and 1980s, signaling a radical shift in its business model. Toyota has been ordered to pay a landmark $1.2 billion to conclude the Justice Department’s criminal probe into safety issues that began in 2009. Toyota executives expressed disappointment with the ruling, but said they hope to recover some of their losses with the release of a new toy called “Prius Pedal Force Robot Happy Lightning DRIVE!”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Citing new choking hazards, the Consumer Product Safety Commission on Wednesday ordered the recall of about 1.7 million toys manufactured by Little Lads and Lasses Toys (a division of San Narciso-based Yoyodyne). The items identified as dangerous included tool sets, trucks, furniture and ride ‘em style vehicles. The company had previously recalled several of its products in 2009 when smaller toys became lodged in the throats of children, but described this recall as unprecedented.

Johnson & Johnson has announced yet another Tylenol recall. The most famous incident occurred in 1982, when the company spent over $100 million removing tampered, cyanide-laced bottles from store shelves. Now, Johnson & Johnson is recalling more than 60,000 bottles of Tylenol Extra Strength Caplets due to a musty, moldy odor. Investigators with the FDA accused J&J of cutting corners by filling bottles with product they deemed "generic to the most absurd extremes."

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- Japanese automotive manufacturer Toyota has agreed to pay $10 million to settle the lawsuit filed by the family of a California Highway Patrol officer slain by a runaway Prius. A series of unprecedented safety and quality recalls have been issued by Toyota over the past 14 months, all involving sudden-acceleration problems with their popular hybrid vehicles.

Toyota executives expressed disappointment with the settlement, but the company hopes to recover some of its losses with the release of its new Christmas toy, “Prius Pedal Force Robot Happy Lightning DRIVE!”