“Because neither Perry nor Brand has unique appeal or what might be considered passable talent,” said Tremaine Weldowhether, professor of media studies at San Narciso College, “they both rely on shock tactics, unconventional demeanor and public antics to maintain their celebrity status. True to form, Perry told entertainment media sources that she discovered Brand’s intention to propose through a Google alert.”
Not to be outdone, Brand confirmed the engagement by hosting a televised press conference dressed as Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein. The stunt presumably recalled Brand’s MTV appearance on September 12, 2001, when he came to work costumed as Osama bin Laden and brought his personal drug dealer to the studios in tow. In this iteration of the skit, however, Brand actually invited Blankfein’s personal drug dealer, John Paulson, which infuriated both Goldman Sachs shareholders and the United States Department of the Treasury.
It’s taken over a year for Perry to parry her husband’s stunt, but rising to the challenge, Perry today dropped the biggest bombshell of all: her one-hit wonder “I Kissed a Girl” is about Russell Brand.
“It’s weird, huh?” the singer said. “I thought I was experimenting with, like, a bearded lady from the circus. I didn’t know it was actually Russell until he snorted a line of coke off a guy wearing a Jonas Brothers t-shirt and started crying about teen abstinence.”
But despite sharing her first “girl-on-girl” kiss with creepy man-lady Brand, Perry further explained that the final version of the song ultimately recounts one of Brand’s experiences, not her implied exploration of homoerotic curiosity.
The first two stanzas of the song, by Brand’s own admission, are “brilliantly astute.”
This was never the way I planned
Not my intention
I got so brave, drink in hand
Lost my discretion
It’s not what I’m used to
Just wanna try you on
I’m curious for you
Caught my attention
I kissed a girl and I liked it
The taste of her cherry chapstick
I kissed a girl just to try it
I hope my boyfriend don't mind it
It felt so wrong
It felt so right
Don’t mean I’m in love tonight
I kissed a girl and I liked it
I liked it
“Yeah,” Brand said, “that’s how it came about. I was out drinking with me mates, and I saw this lovely creature standing by a wog box. I’m not sure what happened next, I was really pissed, but I ended up snogging her. Snogged her silly, I did. I guess you could say the song is really heteroerotic, not homoerotic.”
“I don’t think people give Russell enough credit,” Brand’s manager told The Bennington Vale Evening Transcript. “He’s really very sensitive. When he realized that he didn’t have a shot with Nick Jonas, something inside him changed. Anger at first, but then acceptance. Seems as though he’s moved on.”
As a result, Brand began dating women exclusively, which led to his long-term relationship with Katy Perry.
When asked about those who question his commitment to monogamy, Brand replied, “Well, look, nothing’s set in stone, is it? There are 105 boys to every 100 girls in the world. At some point, the scales might tip, right? What if the Greeks invade and impose their Platonic love laws? I’m not a solider, man, I’ll comply. For now, I’m just trying to figure out how much coke I’ll need to stay awake through the marriage. Looooooooooong!”
