SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Saturday, Gov. Chris Christie (R-N.J.), dubbed the least popular governor in America, ordered the state to close a taxpayer-funded beach during one of the busiest holiday celebrations of the summer. This weekend, revelers hoping to enjoy some sun and quality time on the sands of Island Beach State Park found the popular destination off limits -- to everyone but Chris Christie, who turned a public playground into his private Mar-a-Lago. Citizens of New Jersey erupted in fury after learning that miles of coastline would be roped off to accommodate Gov. Christie. But his aides explained that the governor’s “unnaturally immense stature” and past security incidents necessitated the action. “Last year, a horde of frantic children broke past security and desperately tried to push the governor into the water, screaming something about him being beached,”a spokesperson clarified.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- For Donald Trump, sharing state secrets with any interested foreign actor has become a sort of proving ground in a rite of passage to be accepted as a legitimate global leader -- a way to validate that he holds genuine power and knowledge. But as his approval rating plummets into an abyss of historic lows, even among right-wing pollsters, Trump has found himself perched atop a fulcrum on which his authority and ability to command teeter. He has become desperate to reassert his image of brash confidence and superior insight. So beginning on June 1, restaurants at Trump’s Palm Beach resort will treat curious diners to confidential secrets that promise to be juicier than their overcooked, cloth-textured steaks. For $500, visitors to Mar-a-Lago may purchase fortune cookies that contain one piece of classified U.S. intelligence (limit one cookie per guest).

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Bill O’Reilly’s ouster from Fox News, amid revelations of a costly sexual harassment cover up, has also put President Trump in an awkward and embarrassing predicament. At the end of March, Trump declared April 2017 to be National Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Some progressive opponents accepted the gesture, hoping for an earnest commitment from the White House, even if politically motivated. Others derided the president’s sentiments as ironic and brazen, citing examples of his misogynistic exploits, including a public defense of O’Reilly. When questioned about Trump’s support of O’Reilly, Press Secretary Sean Spicer reluctantly admitted that the president’s intent with National Sexual Assault Awareness Month was to honor the “perverts, rapists and sexual predators who represent the values of America’s great leadership, and who have fueled a thriving patriarchy that created the most powerful nation in the world.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Early Monday morning, a video emerged showing a passenger being violently ejected from a United Airlines flight headed for Louisville from Chicago. The 69-year-old doctor was forcibly dragged from the overbooked plane when he refused to “voluntarily” give up his seat to accommodate United employees who had arrived late. The extremity of the incident, captured in graphic images, has sparked a Congressional investigation into the air carrier’s compliance with oversales rules. To make matters worse, United’s PR department and CEO released vague and baffling explanations of the passenger’s bloody expulsion, defending the police and ground crew for their hyperbolic handling of the situation. Late Monday evening, facing criticism for its tone-deaf messaging, United provided another clarification, stating that the passenger could have diffused the fraught standoff by offering authorities a Pepsi.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Donald Trump’s angst-ridden, improvised and largely incoherent press conference Thursday underscored the frazzled state of his administration. The president has lost substantial ground on key issues and cabinet appointments. Courts have refused to reinstate the contentious Muslim travel ban, stores everywhere are ditching Trump brands, Michael Flynn tendered his resignation and Andrew Puzder, Trump’s pick for labor secretary, withdrew as a nominee. Puzder was formerly chief executive of CKE Enterprises, which owns fast food mainstays Carl’s Jr. and Hardee’s. However, his departure has unintentionally delivered another devastating blow. Without Puzder in office to oversee the massive workforce reforms promised to restaurant industry leaders, CKE announced that it would no longer be pursuing the Ivanka Trump Glamor Meal -- a desperate, last-ditch attempt to save the First Daughter’s failing fashion line.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On February 2, Nordstrom announced that it would stop carrying merchandise produced under Ivanka Trump’s label because of poor performance and declining sales. Just days later, the president fired back at the luxury retailer for dropping his daughter’s brand. The bizarre reaction drew fire from critics who accused Trump of violating ethics rules, using his office to settle business disputes and for abandoning an intelligence briefing to chastise the prominent department store. However, as Sean Spicer told the press, Nordstrom’s decision was a personal attack on the president -- a felony crime that warranted an immediate response. Since then, millions of Americans have rallied behind the treasonous company, forcing Trump to issue a warning on Thursday that he may “call in the Feds.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- If offered a two-for-one deal at Trump Tower Grille, most reasonable people would pass on the prospect of receiving another gristly pool of amorphous, moldering gravy drowning an unknown substance resembling a human thumb. But if the deal involved taking away two Trump Grille menu items and reducing the punishment to only one entree, the disgust factor would be lessened. This is Trump’s logic in passing a new two-for-one points system -- a sort of Weight Watchers approach to cutting the nation’s regulatory fat, but with the sickly long-term damage of the Atkins Diet.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Michael “Jim” Delligatti, the man who created the iconic Big Mac sandwich and unwittingly poisoned generations of Americans, died in his home Monday. He was 98. Though not the name or face most people associate with McDonald’s, Delligatti was the pioneer who perfected one of the fast food giant’s most recognizable items. He opened his first franchise in 1957. He came to own and operate an additional 47 chains, making him one of the largest franchise holders in the company’s annals. Not only did Delligatti introduce the nation to the Big Mac, he also proved instrumental in developing the equally infamous breakfast fare, making him one of the most prolific, albeit unintentional, killers in American history.

“Blackest Friday, blackest night; no joy shall grace our sight.” -- Sgt. Ren Williams, San Narciso Police, on the Black Friday carnage.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The pacific California hamlet of Bennington Vale was again rocked by multiple deaths and countless injuries during Black Friday sales events. In 2011, five members of a small civil rights group were trampled to death outside the Gottsgeld department store in Santa Calcetines. But this weekend, police reported that store employees, not shoppers, crushed the 43 hapless victims in a frantic attempt to overcome the throng of bargain hunters and clock in for their shifts by 5:00 p.m. Thursday evening.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Thanksgiving is the day when millions of Americans take a break from their grueling grinds to spend quality time with loved ones and reflect on the things they have, or are mere minutes away from having. Gone are the staid feasts and overdressed gatherings that once took place in cozy Norman Rockwell dining rooms or the musty confines of grandma’s den. In the 21st century, families unwind in the nation’s bustling shopping malls, bonding over the brutal bloodsport of frenzied combat shopping, where they demonstrate the strength of their familial ties by trampling other families who are competing for the same merchandise at slashed prices. “I can’t think of a better way to give back and show one’s gratitude,” said Foster Geldhaben, a holiday economics specialist for the conservative Peter Pinguid Society. “And that’s why we’ve joined President-elect Donald Trump in accusing retailers who refuse to open on Thanksgiving of treason.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The recent EpiPen scandal recounts a familiar and reprehensible tale of greed: a pharmaceutical company purchases a dated drug, boosts the price and, in the process, dismissively impedes patient access to medication. Over the past year, Martin Shkreli has served as the poster boy for this sort of unapologetic avarice. Now, exit Shkreli and enter Mylan, which hiked the price of its auto-injection devices by 400 percent. Mylan blamed the price increase on the costs of the pens -- the medicinal value of the drug inside amounting to only a handful of coins. Dubious as the claim may seem, it’s working. And other enterprises want to capitalize on this lucrative trend -- particularly Bic, which manufactures one of the most popular ballpoint pen brands. Echoing Mylan’s concerns about the soaring costs of materials and resources, Bic announced Monday that its writing instruments will now cost customers more than $50 a pack.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- So-called “wunderkind” Martin Shkreli, a 32-year-old hedge fund manager, was already a controversial and polarizing figure in the world of pharmaceuticals. His deranged antics against a former employee became a social media and legal horror show a few years ago. And Monday, Shkreli stunned the nation up to its highest levels when he led his company, Turing Pharmaceuticals, to raise the price of a life-saving drug by more than 5,000 percent. Despite the public outcry and swift responses from Democrats like Hillary Clinton, Shkreli has become a GOP darling overnight. But who is this enigmatic, pitiless and depraved young cutthroat?

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- As summer approaches, California is preparing to enter its fourth year of a record-breaking and potentially devastating drought. Concerns voiced by state lawmakers and emergency management officials about the crisis led Gov. Jerry Brown to declare a state of emergency. But this week, despite lackluster conservation efforts and voluntary rationing, some of Southern California’s largest cities managed to exceed the state’s cutback goals. “California still leads the nation in unemployment,” one assemblyperson noted. “Our long-term jobless have been forced to eliminate a lot of luxuries and extraneous bills from their lives to stave off poverty. The silver lining is that their inability to keep the water on is working wonders for our attempts to lower consumption and usage levels.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Last August, Walgreens announced its plans for a $1 billion cost-reduction initiative. The largest U.S. drugstore chain upped the ante this Thursday when it revealed the anticipated closure of 200 stores across the nation, a move intended to further boost profits and increase the proposed cost-cutting effort by another $500 million. “After a rigorous analysis, the company has identified additional opportunities for cost savings, primarily in its Retail Pharmacy USA division,” company spokespeople explained in a statement to the press. Reorganizing staff and eliminating overhead expenses were two of the main strategies discussed. However, the decision to shutter 200 points of operation has left many wondering what will become of the workers in those locations. Walgreens vowed that it will not lay off its employees. Instead, the company launched a revolutionary program, patterned off of Uber’s obscenely lucrative business model, which will allow the affected workers to become independent contractors who peddle drugs directly to consumers on the streets.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The success of Uber, the app-based personal transportation service, has renewed the demand for independent contractors. It’s also ushered in an emerging freelance marketplace called the “gig economy.” While the model may be great for business, labor advocates say it’s horrendous for workers and the wider economy. Pushing employees to sell their services independently weakens their security, cripples their long-term financial stability and depletes their purchasing power. Employees are, after all, consumers. But with the announcement Wednesday of an app-based call service for prostitutes -- the result of a partnership between Google Maps and Unter, a heavily funded startup by a conglomerate of savvy pimps -- labor regulators worry that the rise of this new “trick economy” will wreak further damage on millions of housewives and moonlighters who are seeking part-time opportunities to strengthen their household incomes.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Since the start of the financial crisis in 2008 through the end of last year, the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation (FDIC) had closed 465 banks. This year, 2014, regulators shuttered another 232 failed banks. As it now stands, 10 percent of the banking industry controls 92 percent of its total assets. That’s created the impression among many people that massive corporate interests have steamrolled their way to power, crushing the little guys in their wakes. This perception became more poignant Monday, just two days before Christmas Eve, when regulators seized the assets of the famed Bailey Savings and Loan in Bedford Falls. Conservative policymakers have long defended these “heartless financial giants” as the heroes of the tale. And for Bedford Falls, a corporate banker named Potter, whom the town previously considered a ruthless and malevolent cad, has indeed emerged as a savior. The example of George Bailey -- the beloved proprietor of Bailey Savings and Loan -- provides glaring proof of how seemingly kind-hearted and altruistic subprime lenders are destroying their communities while promising them “a wonderful life.”

Benedict Arnolds of Business

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Thanksgiving in the United States is a holiday that requires little explanation. It’s the day when millions of Americans take a break from their grueling daily grinds to spend quality time with loved ones and reflect on the things they have...or are mere minutes away from having. Gone are the boring feasts and overdressed family gatherings that once took place in cozy Norman Rockwell dining rooms or the dungeon-like confines of grandma’s house. In the 21st century, families unwind in the nation’s bustling shopping malls, bonding over the brutal bloodsport of frenzied combat shopping, where they demonstrate the strength of their familial ties by trampling other families who are competing for the same sale item. “I can’t think of a better way to give back and show one’s gratitude,” said Foster Geldhaben, holiday economics specialist for the conservative Peter Pinguid Society. “And that’s why we’ve joined the U.S. Chamber of Commerce in accusing those retailers who refused to open today of treason.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Not long ago, software developers, hardware manufacturers and Internet pioneers began a battle of supremacy for “smart devices,” portable mini-computers designed to enhance and streamline the lifestyles of consumers. Now, these same technology leaders are duking it out over new lines of products that shrink the same core features into wearable accessories. Google launched Glass, a virtual-reality device that resembles eyeglasses and makes the functionality of an Android smartphone accessible through a display built into clear lenses. Samsung countered with a smartwatch. Now Google and Apple have announced plans to distribute their own unique smartwatches. But an unexpected challenger entered the technological fray Monday in the form of a struggling, low-tech Dutch company called Timex, which promises consumers “the smartest watch on the market,” in both digital and analog formats.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Since the infamous 2010 groping incident involving Southern California resident John Tyner and the Transportation Security Administration (TSA), travelers have debated whether to continue moving about the Land of the Free by plane. Several civil liberties organizations at that time urged fliers to forgo air transit on the busiest travel days. Parents continue to bemoan the invasive imaging systems that display likenesses of their children nude, as well as TSA screeners who freely grope young boys and girls in line as part of enhanced “pat down” policies. To help stem the ongoing criticism and improve operations affecting travelers, U.S. security officials announced the creation of six positions to be filled by corporate executives who will advise the TSA on more efficient methods for groping, harassing and otherwise violating the personal space of others, with minimal repercussions.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- According to global economists, there could be less than 46 years of oil supplies left, even if demand were to remain flat. Barring existing constraints on supplies, the world would likely see a 110-percent jump in demand by 2050, equivalent to 190 million barrels a day. But without discovering major new reserves or alternative energy sources, experts anticipate the growing demands to remain unmet. Even diversifying to natural gas would fail to ease the pressure on oil because its supply is as geographically dense. So in celebration of Earth Day, industry leaders announced plans to step up aggressive drilling programs and seek viable sources of renewable energy. The new strategy calls for boring a giant hole right down to the Earth’s core and revitalizing the whaling industry.