Friday, November 30, 2012

Congress Admits Gambling Millions on Powerball Jackpot, Fiscal Cliff Now Inevitable

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- As the U.S. economy teeters on the precipice of the fiscal cliff, two lottery ticket holders -- one in Arizona and one in Missouri -- successfully matched all six numbers to win the largest Powerball jackpot in history. On Wednesday, the prize was estimated at $550 million, after the multi-state contest failed to produce a winner since October. A day later, when the drawing was held, last minute surges in ticket purchases inflated the jackpot to a record $587.5 million. The unprecedented stakes enticed many people who rarely play the lottery to buy into a chance at the second-largest payout in U.S. history, behind the Mega Millions in March 2012 -- among them, a coalition of House Republicans who had worked on a secretive financial rescue deal called "Project Magic Beans."

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Medical Experts Support Jenny Johnson's Assessment of Chris Brown's Premature Aging

Lindsay Lohan, 26, prematurely aging
SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Comedienne Jenny Johnson not only caused Chris Brown to delete his Twitter account this weekend, she also embroiled herself in a war of flared tempers and deep passions, which has culminated in death threats. Brown -- "Breezy" to his fans -- has a public history of abuse, uncontrollable rage, and rash, provocative outbursts. Yet through it all, the R and B singer's devotees seem willing to forgive his every transgression and defend his dysfunctional behavior against all rational criticism. The latest target of Breezy's zealous admirers is Jenny Johnson, who propelled herself to social networking infamy Sunday when she bashed Brown in a sardonic reply to his Twitter post about premature aging. Brown's original post declared, "I look old as f***. I'm only 23..." Johnson quickly retweeted his message and added, "I know! Being a worthless piece of s*** can really age a person." Since the exchange this weekend, Johnson has received threats ranging from stabbing to raping and killing. Some Team Breezy adherents posted on other prominent sites that they would carry out the deed if given the chance. Less homicidal supporters accused Johnson of libel, which is essentially at the crux of the debate. However, despite the outpouring of hate, Johnson has found allies in the medical community and, more unlikely, in Lindsay Lohan, who admitted that she knows firsthand how "being a worthless piece of s*** can really age a person."

Friday, November 23, 2012

Walmart Begins Black Friday on Thursday, Over 20 Trampled to Death as Employees Rushed to Make Their Shifts

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The peaceful Southern California hamlet of Bennington Vale was again rocked by multiple deaths and countless injuries during Black Friday sales events. Last year, five members of a small and sometimes militant African American rights group in San Narciso County were trampled to death outside the Gottsgeld department store in Santa Calcetines' Buffum Plaza Mall. According to Lionel Tyrone Lincoln Green -- head of San Narciso's Angry Black Revolutionaries Against Caucasian Aristocracy, Despotism and Black Repression Association (ABRA CADABRA) -- Thanksgiving and Black Friday represent some of the worst examples of white oppression and entitlement in America next to the existence of San Narciso County itself. "The slaughter we saw last night in front of Walmart proves it," Green declared. But in a strange twist, police attributed the 23 trampling related deaths that occurred just after 7:00 p.m. Thursday evening to the store employees themselves.

Historians Discover Thanksgiving Day Also Origin of 'Last Meal' Penal Tradition

"The first feast, so to speak, may also have been the nation's first Last Meal." -- Abel Wharfinger

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Although the modern Thanksgiving holiday tradition in America traces its roots to the seventeenth century, historians believe earlier celebrations existed on the continent as far back as 1598, when Spanish explorers in Texas gave a feast of thanks at San Elizario. Similar events were also documented in the Virginia Colony. Abel Wharfinger, the dean of History at San Narciso College, said the Pilgrims "likely witnessed a type of Thanksgiving feast prior to their journey overseas while they were staying in Leiden. There, annual services were held to observe the end of the 1574 siege. This event probably served as the influence for the holiday we now celebrate. Although our Thanksgiving is not entirely original, we've recently discovered something about it that is."

Thursday, November 15, 2012

United Blames Flight Delays on Computer Issues after Upgrading to Windows 8 and Apple Maps

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Shares in United Continental Holdings fell during morning trading Thursday after the air carrier reported delays in many of its flights, which it attributed to a computer problem. Denver International Airport, a hub for United, showed nearly 30 flights stalled. Similar issues were cited with United flights at Houston Intercontinental Airport and Newark Liberty Airport -- also hubs for the airline. Just three months earlier, network outages crippled United's website and affected airport automation systems, causing delays and cancellations. Prior to that, in March, Continental's reservation system triggered glitches that led to delays, malfunctioning ticket kiosks, and downed phone lines; United purchased Continental for $3.17 billion in 2010, and had experienced difficulties with the integration between systems. Representatives for the company reluctantly admitted that Thursday's disruption stemmed from upgrading two critical applications used for in-flight navigational and operational support to Windows 8 and Apple Maps.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

The Petraeus Affair: Why Do the Powerful Cheat and Why Does Anybody Give a Crap?

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Findings from CERN's Large Hadron Collider made waves in the scientific community recently by calling into question a popular physics theory known as Supersymmetry, which has been used to explain away discrepancies in the Standard Model for years. The observation of bizarre meson decay forced physicists back to formula this week to reevaluate established principles. While science has a lot more explaining to do, its attempts to unlock the secrets of creation have failed to rival the mysteries of the human heart that are puzzling psychologists attempting to dissect Gen. David Petraeus' sordid affair and discover why powerful people cheat. But in the course of their investigations, they found that even the mediocre and banal are cheating too, and that Petraeus' affair would have had no measurable impact on government or the election. "We really thought we'd be able to delve into this matter using a rather straightforward approach, but we've become mired in new and unforeseen perplexities," remarked Dr. Hilarus Lustig, chief psychologist for San Narciso County’s Office of Health and Human Services (OHHS). "The biggest challenge facing us at present is attempting to answer the question: Why does anybody give a crap?"

Friday, November 9, 2012

CIA Director Petraeus Uncovers Own Affair after Finding Incriminating Emails He Sent to Woman

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- CIA Director David Petraeus, a retired four-star General, resigned his post Friday after admitting to having an extramarital affair. The shocking revelation brought an abrupt close to his brief stint at the CIA and marred a highly lauded national security career. At one time, because of his pristine record, military decorations and exemplary conduct, Petraeus was considered a prospective presidential candidate. White House representatives said he met with President Obama on Thursday to tender his resignation over the infidelity. He had been married 37 years, although military officials said they suspected Petraeus of adultery for some time. The person most rocked by the discovery, however, was General Petraeus himself, who uncovered the scandal after coming across a series of incriminating emails that described an affair he was having with a former military officer named Paula Broadwell.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Campus Fire Result of Students Celebrating Guy Fawkes on Wrong Night, Not Staging Violent Obama Protest

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Hundreds of students from San Narciso College were arrested Tuesday night after violent, politically charged protests erupted across the campus in response to the announcement of President Obama's reelection. Police say the incident started with an argument shortly after 9:00 p.m., which escalated in an exchange of racial epithets. Eventually, around midnight, a fire started as outraged students burned campaign posters depicting support for Barack Obama. "It was the fire alarm that alerted police to the mayhem," said SNPD spokesman Ren Williams. Some nearby residents criticized police for their three-hour response time. Williams attributed the delay to the students themselves. "This is one of the most staunchly Republican towns in the nation. Certainly the most conservative in California. Therefore, none of the students could locate a Barack Obama poster or yard sign within county limits. So they made their own. Some even constructed elaborate effigies. That process took them a few hours. And that's when the blaze finally began." But school officials painted a much different picture, describing the demonstration as a misguided attempt to celebrate Bonfire Night -- a British holiday also known as Guy Fawkes Day -- on the wrong date.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Voting Rights

This is serious. Several districts throughout the nation have reported incidents of voter suppression, obstruction, and irregularities with electronic voting machines. If you are turned away at the polling place for any reason, ask to file a provisional ballot, demand the name of the person who turned you away, and call 866-MYVOTE1.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Why Every Real American Should Vote for Write-in Presidential Candidate F. Chester Greene

SPECIAL GUEST EDITORIAL (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- To those of you outside San Narciso County, Calif., who may not be familiar with my campaign, I'd first like to introduce myself. My name is F. Chester Greene. I'm a socially, fiscally, racially, philosophically, and religiously conservative Republican; and I'm running for the office of President of the United States of what used to be America. Sure, you haven't seen me mincing and preening across your TVs during those ridiculous debates, and that's because I respect you enough to not waste your valuable time dickering about policies I'll only flip-flop on as soon as I'm nominated. Campaigns are terribly painful ordeals -- mostly for the voters forced to endure them. And if you were to vote for me based on whatever tactics I employed to attack my opponents, I'd only let you down once in office.

My quote-unquote peers, on the other hand, clearly have nothing better to do with their time, your vote, or all that PAC money they've raised. They don't care about you. In fact, one could argue that they really hate your guts. But I understand that dignity is precious; that your intelligence has done nothing to warrant insult; and I've saved my money to beat the spineless, vacuous waste of outside air who hopes to earn his coveted seat in the Oval Office. See, I've bided my time to go against that moron, who will probably be an elitist with a history of questionable spiritual convictions, wishy-washy policies, and serial marriages. Or, it'll be the Mormon. I'm banking on the write-in vote, which gives you more power over your ballot by transforming it into a mandate -- not a glorified Scantron. Plus, as a write-in candidate, I've got a better chance of earning your vote since you've no doubt realized what festering idiots -- of heroically vile proportions -- these candidates really are. If you're mad as hell and don't want to take it anymore, then write my name on your ballot for president. If you're not sure why, here's a list of my positions -- of the things we all should stand for.

Friday, November 2, 2012

SAT Tests Receive Massive Overhaul to Better Assess College Readiness

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Last week, Microsoft announced the official release of Windows 8, which promised the most dramatic redesign of a familiar American institution in decades. As if to follow suit Friday, representatives from the SAT program unveiled an unprecedented overhaul to one of the nation's most entrenched, and dreaded, educational rites of passage. Nearly all four-year universities today require entrance exams such as the SAT prior to enrollment. The purpose of these tests, according to their creators and proponents, is to measure a prospective student's preparedness for college. "Right now, the best gauge of a student's ability to complete college is financial readiness," said Prudence Lehrer, a representative from the College Board. "Kids and their parents must demonstrate their commitment to giving away a small fortune with no promise of anything in return as a result of the degree. So, we've updated our tests to accommodate the educational demands of this dynamic time."

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Politically Theme Haunted House Attraction Closed for Being Too Scary

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- This year, the San Narciso County Chamber of Commerce was forced to shutter the community’s second annual Haunted House Spooktacular, scheduled to open Wednesday at 6:00 p.m. in the Lake Inverarity Social Hall. Unfortunately, the event drew more police and paramedics than Halloween thrillseekers in its three short hours of operation. Signs posted around the county by event organizer Francis Baldhamer warned: "If you can't afford to have the pants scared off you, don't wear any!" While only a few inappropriate teens took the message at its word, the problems arose when parents failed to exercise caution by bringing along children under the age of 12. "I don't know how things went so wrong," a flustered Baldhamer told reporters. "Because of some creepy thematic elements and frightening scenes, we were worried that younger kids could become very upset by a few of the images. But we had no idea how upset the kids -- and their parents -- would actually get. This is truly a tragedy." The theme for this year's event was "American Nightmares," a politically charged horrorshow that envisioned a chilling apocalypse of socialism unleashed by a mysterious Kenyan reelected to the office of president. Bennington Vale is one of the nation's most conservative cities, and Baldhamer expected some watery eyes and unsettled nerves. He didn't expect soiled clothes, seizures, heart attacks and three suicide attempts.

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