Monday, December 29, 2014

Santa Claus Faces Millions of Complaints for Ignoring Critical Dental Care Requests

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Postal workers at the Anchorage, Alaska, distribution center -- which processes mail to the North Pole -- were inundated Monday by millions of letters from children who received smart phones, tablets, video gaming consoles, laptops and other popular electronic items instead of the two front teeth they requested. "I've been good all year," ten-year-old Barrett Nostrom of Sweden lisped. "Why didn't Santa bring me my teeth? We have no use for this Xbox 360 machine on the farm. I opened it, and there were no Xs inside the box. I tried to use it as a doorstop for the goat pen, but the animals ate it right away. Cheap and worthless thing. But the equally misleading Apple device we got last year, which contained no fruit, did hold out much longer. Mother says it's the smoothest ironing board she's ever used."

Thursday, December 25, 2014

But Does Santa Believe in You? Kris Kringle Questions the Existence of Children

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Just hours before embarking on his annual goodwill mission, Santa Claus admitted Wednesday that for almost two hundred years he's harbored growing doubts about the existence of children. St. Nick opened this morning's global press briefing on a surprisingly somber note, offering reporters a rare glimpse into the philosophical and spiritual conflicts that have troubled his soul since the end of the 1950s, when he first recognized his budding crisis of faith. Kris Kringle said: "I've been reluctant to talk about this, but I feel the time is right. A lot of dubious claims have been made, creating myths that just can't be justified in my mind. I've tried to rationalize them for years, but I can't continue living in a delusion." He then revealed that, among other things, no postal agency has ever delivered a single piece of mail to the North Pole.

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

It’s a Wonderful Life after Shrewd Banker Saves Town from Shady Subprime Lender

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Since the start of the financial crisis in 2008 through the end of last year, the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation (FDIC) had closed 465 banks. This year, 2014, regulators shuttered another 232 failed banks. As it now stands, 10 percent of the banking industry controls 92 percent of its total assets. That’s created the impression among many people that massive corporate interests have steamrolled their way to power, crushing the little guys in their wakes. This perception became more poignant Monday, just two days before Christmas Eve, when regulators seized the assets of the famed Bailey Savings and Loan in Bedford Falls. Conservative policymakers have long defended these “heartless financial giants” as the heroes of the tale. And for Bedford Falls, a corporate banker named Potter, whom the town previously considered a ruthless and malevolent cad, has indeed emerged as a savior. The example of George Bailey -- the beloved proprietor of Bailey Savings and Loan -- provides glaring proof of how seemingly kind-hearted and altruistic subprime lenders are destroying their communities while promising them “a wonderful life.”

Monday, December 22, 2014

Prince George’s Uncomfortable Visit to Santa’s Magical Journey Like ‘Game of Thrones’ Episode

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Prince George, England’s 17-month-old heir to the throne, spent his weekend touring Santa’s Magical Journey in Thursford, a quaint parish in the county of Norfolk. The little prince, sources explained, “gazed in awe” at audio-animatronic denizens of an enchanted holiday forest, including reindeer, penguins, polar bears and elves -- all set amid the backdrop of festive lights, ornaments and artificial snowfall. Several guests attending the yuletide experience chuckled when the future king exclaimed that he hadn’t seen so much snow and so many midgets since his uncle Harry’s last birthday party. The attraction’s general manager described George as having “a lovely time,” although she admitted that spectators became increasingly uncomfortable every time George hugged a robotic reindeer and shouted, “I love you, GaGa Camilla!”

Friday, December 19, 2014

CIA Torture Czars Publish Guide for Parenting Naughty Children, Just in Time for Christmas

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The U.S. Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) continues to take a lot of heat over the distressing revelations of its brutal “enhanced interrogation” program, which was implemented to extract information from suspected enemy combatants in the wake of the 9/11 terror attacks. But now, the same masterminds who devised the cruel punishments want to make amends. So on Friday, the torture czars behind the CIA initiative put their expertise to positive use by publishing a guide to help parents who are struggling with naughty children -- and just in time for Christmas!

Enemy Combatant in the War on Christmas: Fraudulent Claims of 'World Famous' Fruitcake Exposed

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- To Bennington Vale locals, homemaker Emmeline Kuchenkoch needs no introduction. Chances are, if you’ve dined at Piers Addleson’s Pea House and ordered a cake, the heady Linzer Torte or the bemusing marzipan characters inspired by the Passion of Christ, then you've sampled Kuchenkoch’s wares. The Addleson family has been reselling her delicacies for over 40 years in their restaurant. But scandal rocked San Narciso County Tuesday when rivals at the struggling Hearth Attack bakery discovered damaging information that pressured Emmeline Kuchenkoch to confess, “My Christmas fruitcake is not actually world famous.”

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Cheney Blames CIA Torture Failures on Inexperienced Team: He Requested Eli Roth and Tom Six

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Tuesday, as anticipated, Senate Select Committee on Intelligence Chairwoman Dianne Feinstein presented the long-awaited executive summary of the panel’s report on the U.S.-sanctioned torture of enemy combatants. Throughout the week, we’ll be covering key points unveiled in the summary. And today we’ll begin with the report’s overwhelming conclusion that no actionable or meaningful data was obtained as a result of torture. After Feinstein’s address, however, and despite a mountain of proof, former Vice President Cheney offered more examples to dispute the Committee’s assertions that “enhanced interrogation” techniques failed; but he also walked back his initial boasts amid revelations that the psychologists contracted as architects of the program were untrained: “It would’ve worked flawlessly if the CIA had used my proposed team of torture experts -- Eli Roth, Tom Six and Shia LaBeouf,” Cheney snarled.

Saturday, December 6, 2014

Annual Christmas Parade Safety Rules for a Magical 2014 Holiday Experience


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- It's that time of year again! The Annual Bennington Vale Christmas Parade is scheduled for Saturday, December 6, 2014. Sidewalks CANNOT be reserved with personal property, which includes unattended children and the elderly, until 5:00 p.m. or 5:30 p.m. if center medians are used. The parade route spans Maxwell Street, Cape Horn Avenue and Tragic Courier’s Way, ending at Lake Inverarity’s Fangoso Lagoons. The estimated duration of the event is three hours.

Special Safety Procedures for Large, Unarmed Black Teens

As a special reminder, due to the increased sensitivity of race relations and the subsequent pressures placed on police agencies across the nation, we ask that all large, slow-moving, unarmed black teens observe heightened safety protocols. A special area has been roped off near the end of the parade route, close to the security station. To avoid confrontations with frightened police officers, always remain seated, preferably on your hands. Do not make any sudden movements, including waving, whistling, smiling, blinking or applauding parade floats and marching bands. Although we advise that you have absolutely nothing in your possession other than identification papers, make sure to have receipts for all items you choose to bring and that they are clearly displayed on the ground beside said items. Remember, by merely standing up you may present a perceived threat to police officers, even from hundreds of feet away.

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