Monday, September 30, 2013

Discovery of Tourettes Rocks Amish Community, Fuels Obamacare Criticism

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The small Amish enclave in the Kinneret Hills surrounding San Narciso County was rocked this week by the discovery of Tourette's syndrome in one of its teens, according to reports from the community newspaper and a local physician who resides near the area referred to as "Amish Acres" by neighboring residents. Tourette's is a congenital neuropsychiatric disorder characterized by physical spasms and peculiar vocal tics, which can include profanity, derogatory remarks and socially unacceptable outbursts. Elders within the reclusive Amish community said the "grave spiritual impurity" came to light Thursday after Tobias Verschmutzt, 12, disrupted school services by asking his teacher for a "gosh darn" pencil sharpener. The schoolmistress, a 22-year-old spinster, swooned with shock and fainted before her pupils. She remains unable to work and will need to convalesce for at least another week. In an interesting corollary, conservative politicians in the area are exploiting the incident to reveal the fatal flaws of social welfare programs like Obamacare.

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Ted Cruz Bravely Gives Up Congressional Benefits to Protest Obamacare

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) relentlessly nattered his way into the history books Wednesday after a 21-hour talkathon that has been labeled a "fauxibuster" because it did not serve to stop a vote, as a filibuster is intended to do. Inconsequential as his rant may have seemed, the Tea Party darling managed to portray himself as a conservative folk hero for the far-right fringes of the Republican faction. During the bizarre monologue, Cruz regaled the Senate with a recitation of Dr. Seuss' "Green Eggs and Ham," dramatically altering the moral of the story, discussed his fondness for White Castle burgers, contemplated the "Star Wars" franchise and confidently invoked Godwin's Law to caution voters against the perils of Nazism, which he believes will present themselves as the New World Order in the United States should Congress prevent the defunding of Obamacare. As conservative political experts understand, providing a nation's people with affordable and universal health coverage inevitably leads to the extermination of millions within an arbitrarily chosen ethnic or religious group. But Cruz wants his constituents to know that he is not all talk. On Thursday, he boldly renounced all of the socialist, Hitler-esque, taxpayer funded benefits he receives as a member of the U.S. Congress.

Friday, September 20, 2013

House Republicans Propose Bold Cuts to Prevent Obesity and Government Shutdown

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Obesity rates have more than doubled in U.S. adults and children since the 1970s, according to data from the National Center for Health Statistics. And while recent estimates suggest the overall figures have plateaued or even declined, Americans are still too fat; two-thirds of U.S. adults are considered overweight or obese by established health standards, having a body mass index of 25 or higher. But a bold majority of House Republicans sought to end this disturbing trend Friday by proposing radical reforms to dietary subsidies and health care. In the process, the budgetary proposal would simultaneously prevent a partial government shutdown, which neither party purports to want. "We're literally killing all the birds with one stone," Speaker John Boehner announced with pride.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

NRA Demands Military Spending Increases to Provide 'Woefully Unarmed'' Troops with Guns

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Monday, a military veteran working as a civilian contractor opened fire at the Washington Navy Yard, killing 12 people. The incident, one of several mass shootings over the last 24 months, set off waves of panic at the military installation, which sits just a few miles from the steps of the Capitol. FBI agents identified the shooter as 34-year-old Aaron Alexis, a former Navy Reservist from Fort Worth, Texas. Although Alexis had passed a background check in Virginia to purchase his weapon, his discharge paperwork illustrated a past history of gun-related trouble with authorities. Conservative lawmakers, officials with the National Rifle Association (NRA) and leaders of Gun Owners of America expressed outrage at the massacre, demanding to know why trained soldiers were unarmed within the walls of an Armed Forces facility. "We allowed our troops to be picked off like sitting ducks," one exasperated NRA representative told reporters.

Monday, September 16, 2013

Academy Cancels 65th Emmys, Allows 'Breaking Bad' Cast to Take Whatever Awards They Want

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The Academy of Television Arts and Sciences announced Monday its decision to cancel the broadcast of the 65th Primetime Emmy Awards that was planned for this Sunday, September 22. Citing a projected drop in attendance and lackluster ratings from an increasingly distracted and disengaged audience, a representative for Academy Chairman Bruce Rosenblum told reporters: "Why waste everybody's time and money? Many of the shows nominated are officially off the air now, the others have grown stale and predictable, we can't allow Netflix to gain any more ground on our allies in broadcasting, and we're pretty sure America's feigned adoration of 'Downton Abbey' will run its course next year when the viewing public gets too bored and tired to maintain the pretext that they relate to any of these stodgy Brits, at which point they'll return to the familiar comfort of Honey Boo Boo. Honestly, it's destined to become the BBC's 'Nurse Jackie.'"

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

President Observes 9/11 Islamic Terror Group Attacks After Pleading Case for Attacking Sovereign Islamic Nation

Photo courtesy AP

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- President Obama honored the 12th anniversary of 9/11 this Wednesday during a solemn memorial service in which he remembered the 3,000 victims who perished during al Qaeda's September 2001 terror plots in New York and D.C., but then forgot them moments later by indirectly urging public support for a U.S. strike against Syria to "defend our nation" against enduring threats, though different than the ones faced by the nation in 2001. Analysts warn that U.S. involvement in Syria could reignite anti-American sentiment among militant Islamic terror groups.

Monday, September 9, 2013

Florida Police Rush to Protect George Zimmerman from Wife

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- George Zimmerman, the Florida neighborhood watch volunteer who was acquitted in July for the shooting death of Trayvon Martin, a dangerous teen armed with Skittles and iced tea, was taken briefly into protective custody by police after his estranged wife turned aggressive. "He's in his car and he continually has his hand on his gun and keeps saying step closer and he's gonna shoot us," Shellie Zimmerman told a 911 operator, panting and agitated. Police units responded immediately and sheltered George Zimmerman, 29, in their patrol car to "protect him from Shellie, whom he described as the aggressor in the incident," according to Mark O'Mara, Zimmerman's attorney. O'Mara insinuated that the attack against Zimmerman, who is Hispanic, could have been a racially motivated hate crime.

Friday, September 6, 2013

Stymied by Advanced Encryption Protocols, NSA Asks Public for Help

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Beginning in 2000, after recognizing the pivotal role the Internet would play in the lives of every individual, the National Security Agency (NSA) began investing billions of dollars into a clandestine initiative to extend its domestic surveillance programs across the World Wide Web. The decision to embark on a covert campaign came at the close of the 1990s, when the NSA failed to garner public support for introducing a backdoor system into all encryption protocols that would guarantee the agency access to any files it deemed necessary. As revealed in documents leaked by Edward Snowden, the NSA has since run a highly effective effort to view the private records of all Americans through a complex process of hacking, supercomputer implementation, secretive court orders and strong-arming telecommunications providers. But Snowden's published files also show that the NSA remains stymied by some advanced encryption, hindering its efforts to protect vital American interests through eavesdropping. That's why the agency is appealing to the public for help in carrying forward its national security endeavors.

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Dennis Rodman Visits North Korea to Seek Kim Jong-un's Advice on Relationships

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Two seemingly unrelated stories out of North Korea converged Tuesday to reveal a disturbing link, as former NBA Hall of Famer Dennis Rodman announced another bizarre visit to Kim Jong-un immediately after an English language newspaper in South Korea, citing unnamed sources, broke a jarring story that claimed the Supreme Leader of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea had ordered his girlfriend executed by firing squad. When asked about the reason for his third trip to Pyongyang, Rodman, whose life is riddled with legal problems from his failed marriages, said he planned to seek Kim's wisdom and advice on resolving complicated matters of the heart.

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