Monday, September 16, 2013

Academy Cancels 65th Emmys, Allows 'Breaking Bad' Cast to Take Whatever Awards They Want

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The Academy of Television Arts and Sciences announced Monday its decision to cancel the broadcast of the 65th Primetime Emmy Awards that was planned for this Sunday, September 22. Citing a projected drop in attendance and lackluster ratings from an increasingly distracted and disengaged audience, a representative for Academy Chairman Bruce Rosenblum told reporters: "Why waste everybody's time and money? Many of the shows nominated are officially off the air now, the others have grown stale and predictable, we can't allow Netflix to gain any more ground on our allies in broadcasting, and we're pretty sure America's feigned adoration of 'Downton Abbey' will run its course next year when the viewing public gets too bored and tired to maintain the pretext that they relate to any of these stodgy Brits, at which point they'll return to the familiar comfort of Honey Boo Boo. Honestly, it's destined to become the BBC's 'Nurse Jackie.'"

As an alternative, the Academy will broadcast the evening episode of "Breaking Bad" and allow the show's cast and crew to choose whichever awards that they want to take home.

Ozman Ramsey, a spokesperson for the Academy, explained that "nothing even remotely compares to 'Breaking Bad' this season; handing out awards to anyone else just seems so little league."

Ramsey said the Academy hopes the move will encourage other networks "to bring their A games next year and stop broadcasting complete and total crap."

"I mean, Jesus Christ, it should no longer be called Chekhov's Gun… it's Vince Gilligan's [expletive deleted] now," he added. "You can see that beautiful purple monster in set design, photography, soundtrack choices, everywhere. Instead of telling my kids I love them, I tell them to have an 'A1 day,' because in the long run that's going to educate them more about life, love and art then I ever could."

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