Friday, February 28, 2014

Mississippi Man Rises from Dead, GOP Lawmakers Signal Official Start of Zombie Apocalypse

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- A 78-year-old Mississippi man was pronounced dead on Wednesday by the Holmes County coroner, presumably as a result of cardiac arrest. Later that night, however, as morticians were preparing to embalm the body, the corpse reanimated. Employees at the funeral home said they were alerted to the resurrection when they heard movement, and then kicking, coming from within the body bag. Area residents called the incident a miracle. But science-minded Republicans attributed the cause to a curse against humanity by God for the ongoing spate of gay rights laws being passed across the country.

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Britain's GCHQ Revolutionizes Adult Entertainment Industry with World’s Purest Reality Porn

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- According to newly leaked documents from Edward Snowden, a British intelligence agency collected millions of images from the webcam chats of Yahoo users, with much of the footage containing sexually explicit content. Britain’s Government Communications Headquarters (GCHQ) operated the surveillance program, code named Optic Nerve, which targeted users whether they were suspected of illicit activities or not. Just as the NSA’s domestic spying program in the United States demonstrated the astounding potential of a government-run social network -- rivaling any initiatives undertaken by Facebook or Google -- Optic Nerve is showing how public sector adult film productions can provide the highest quality porn, practically for free. The news has investors scrambling to cash in on what analysts are calling the “penultimate realization of gonzo and reality porn.”

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Arizona Lawmakers Say SB1062 Not Anti-Gay, It Discriminates Against Every Group Christians Oppose

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Arizona Governor Jan Brewer has until Saturday to decide whether to veto Senate Bill 1062, which allows business owners with strongly held religious beliefs to refuse service to gays and lesbians. The controversial bill was introduced to protect the religious freedoms of Christian-based enterprises, but in doing so discriminates against members of the LGBT community, according to opponents. It has been dubbed “Turn the Gays Away” by civil liberties groups and gay rights activists. State senators, however, accused detractors of misinterpreting the intent of SB1062. “The bill doesn’t discriminate against gays, that’s a false assessment; it discriminates against any group Christians disagree with,” snapped Arizona legislator John Shillelagh-McPaddy.

Monday, February 24, 2014

Arizona Governor Introduces New State Constitution to Promote "Uber-Equality"

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Arizona Governor Jan Brewer courted controversy once again last Thursday after the state legislature approved Senate Bill 1062, which allows businesses with strongly held religious beliefs to refuse service to gays and lesbians. The polarizing legislation passed by a vote of 33 to 27, leading critics to denounce the bill as state-sponsored discrimination. Brewer’s administration had previously come under fire in 2010 after the passage of SB1070, an anti-immigration bill that Democrats chided as draconian. Gov. Brewer, however, vehemently defended the bills as tools for promoting equal protections, not for fostering prejudice or bigotry. On Monday, to illustrate the altruistic goals of her administration, Brewer unveiled plans to create special communities for the disparate religious, ethnic, racial and LGBT groups in Arizona. She also introduced a radical new state constitution based on “an established set of laws practiced around the world before the United States existed.”

Friday, February 21, 2014

Postal Service Announces 2015 Release of Steve Jobs iStamp 1.0 with Financing Options

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The U.S. Postal Service (USPS) revealed Friday that Steve Jobs, the technology guru and cultural icon behind the cultish electronic lifestyle company that is Apple Inc., had approved a commemorative postage stamp slated for a 2015 release. Stamp designs are typically private affairs that are kept under wraps from the public until their printing. It seems ironic that the struggling postal service would honor one of the pioneers of electronic mail, but representatives for the USPS admitted that the conditions Jobs placed on his authorization for the stamp created an unprecedented profit opportunity for the agency.

Friday, February 14, 2014

Special Events for Lonely Singles on Valentine's Day 2014

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- If you live in Bennington Vale and fall into that odd one percent of the city's unwed yet heterosexual population, then February 14 can present an understandably bleak outlook. St. Valentine would probably agree. According to legend, Valentine refused to deny Christ at the exhortations of Emperor Claudius in the year 280. For this, he had his head lopped off. But not before he restored hearing and sight to the jailer's daughter. Hell of a guy. Has that "Green Mile" feel to it. It's an inspiring story; deeds most worthy of canonization. But that's not why so many people will be reading "The Bell Jar" by candlelight alone this evening. No, Esther Howland is why.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Shia LaBeouf Faces Fresh Plagiarism Charges for New Film About Rabbi Who Becomes a Messiah

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Actor Shia LaBeouf, donning a bag over his head in public, continues to decry what fleeting celebrity he once had and insists that he is no longer famous. Yet, LaBeouf has embarked on a very public apology tour, which has culminated in a Los Angeles art installation titled “#IAmSorry.” In the exhibition, the no-longer-famous actor sits at a table, bagged visage and all, with implements that include whiskey, pliers, candy, a ukulele, film artifacts such as a “Transformers” toy and a bullwhip (á la Indiana Jones)*, and a copy of Daniel Clowes’ book “The Death Ray.” The latter is the most revealing because LaBeouf recently confessed, although with a feigned sense of ignorance, that he utterly plagiarized another of Clowes’ stories. Now, LaBeouf is again being attacked as a flagrant plagiarist for a new project he claims to have authored, which depicts the story of an ancient Hebrew rabbi who claims a divine birthright, is persecuted as a result, dies during a crucifixion and returns to Earth in the spiritual form of a messiah.

Monday, February 10, 2014

Republicans Attack CVS Ban on Cigarettes as Ruinous for the Economy and the Company

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Last week, in what Republicans labeled a socialist plot, CVS Caremark announced plans to stop selling tobacco products, including cigarettes, in its stores beginning October 1. This move makes CVS the first national pharmacy to pull tobacco products from its shelves. Executives for the drug chain said selling cigarettes runs contrary to the company’s core mission to promote the health of its customers. "Put simply, the sale of tobacco products is inconsistent with our purpose," said CVS Caremark CEO Larry Merlo. But influential members of the GOP now question the legality of a commercial enterprise deciding what it will or won't vend. On Monday, the head economist of a local Republican think tank said he was in the process of filing a formal complaint against CVS with the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC).

Monday, February 3, 2014

Al Qaeda Dissolves Business Ties with Militant Division in Syria and Iraq, Cites Google Motorola Split as Inspiration

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The business news during the first quarter of 2014 has already been filled with executives moving to competing firms, mergers, acquisitions and notable divestitures, such as Google selling off Motorola. Following suit, the world’s premier terrorist organization, al Qaeda, announced that it would be severing ties with its best-known affiliate, the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria, which is fighting a ferocious guerrilla war in both of those nations. Al Qaeda, the corporate parent, issued a blunt statement on Monday announcing the divestiture of the Islamic State from all Middle Eastern terror operations. Representatives for al Qaeda’s Pakistan-based headquarters called the move a strategic and necessary business decision similar to Google’s sale of Motorola. "Difficult as it is to sever a business partnership, we believe this move will free our engineers and operations specialists to focus on our core model, which has been suffering since 2011," said a senior al Qaeda press official.

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