Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Religious Conservatives Lash Out at Kristen Bell as a 'Satanic Influence'

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- As Newt Gingrich suffered a crushing blow to his campaign with a double-digit loss to Mitt Romney in Florida, he told his supporters: "It is now clear this will be a two-person race between the conservative leader Newt Gingrich and the Massachusetts moderate." And while many dispute the notion that Romney is as liberal as Gingrich claims, there can be little doubt that Gingrich managed to capture the votes of religious conservatives in South Carolina and Florida. Now, reeling from their defeat, angry Christian groups are seeking to illustrate the godlessness of modern society and the need for politicians such as Gingrich. On Tuesday, they lashed out at actress Kristen Bell, identifying her as a "satanic influence" and accusing her of "peddling sin and filthy, filthy smut" to the nation's youth.

Monday, January 30, 2012

Another Pinkberry Executive Arrested for Attacking a Homeless Person

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Pinkberry co-founder Young Lee, who was arrested after a confrontation with a homeless person turned violent, pleaded not guilty Monday to charges of assault with a deadly weapon. According to the police report, Young stepped out of his Land Rover at a Los Angeles freeway off-ramp and beat a panhandler with a tire iron. He attempted to justify the attack by claiming the homeless man had disrespected him by exposing a sexually profane tattoo. Young, an architect and former kick boxer, partnered with entrepreneur Shelly Hwang in 2005 to create the Pinkberry franchise, which is famed for its tangy -- almost vinegary -- tasting frozen yogurt. The chain earned an immediate cult following of irony loving celebrities because of its sheer awfulness. Young has been freed on $60,000 bail and is awaiting the March 5 hearing set by the judge. However, in a bizarre and related turn of events, another Pinkberry executive was arrested in San Narciso County late Monday afternoon for what could be a copycat assault on a homeless person.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Disgraced Cruise Ship Captain Schettino to Lead New 'Alternative Oil Exploration' Initiative

NEW ORLEANS, La. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Despite President Obama's vow to continue bolstering conventional energy production, which he reiterated during Tuesday's State of the Union address, oil industry executives chastised the plan as not being aggressive enough. Obama pledged to open more than 75 percent of the country's potential offshore oil and gas resources. He also encouraged the extraction of natural gas from shale deposits using a controversial process called hydraulic fracturing, or fracking. Environmentalists criticized the president for caving to conservatives who, they claim, are willing to destroy the planet's resources in the name of profit and corporate greed. However, sources close to the White House say the administration may be ready to execute a deal with the Italian government and Carnival Cruise Lines, which could spark even more dissent among liberals and Democrats.

State of the Union Rebuttal from Republican Candidate F. Chester Greene

SPECIAL GUEST EDITORIAL (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- To those of you outside San Narciso County, Calif., who may not be familiar with my campaign, I'd first like to introduce myself. My name is F. Chester Greene. I'm a socially, fiscally, racially, philosophically, and religiously conservative Republican; and I'm running for the office of President of the United States of what used to be America. Sure, you haven't seen me mincing and preening across your TVs during those ridiculous debates, and that's because I respect you enough to not waste your valuable time dickering about policies I'll only flip-flop on as soon as I'm nominated. Campaigns are terribly painful ordeals -- mostly for the voters forced to endure them. And if you were to vote for me based on whatever tactics I employed to attack my opponents, I'd only let you down once in office.

My quote-unquote peers, on the other hand, clearly have nothing better to do with their time, your vote, or all that PAC money they've raised. They don't care about you. In fact, one could argue that they really hate your guts. But I understand that dignity is precious; that your intelligence has done nothing to warrant insult; and that I'm saving my money to beat the spineless, vacuous, wastes of outside air that will eventually earn the coveted Republican nomination. See, I'm biding my time to go against that moron, who will probably be an elitist with a history of questionable spiritual convictions, wishy-washy policies, and serial marriages. Or, it'll be the Mormon. I'm banking on the write-in vote, which gives you more power over your ballot by transforming it into a mandate -- not a glorified Scantron. Plus, as a write-in candidate, I've got a better chance of earning your vote in November after you realize what a festering idiot -- of heroically vile proportions -- the nominee really is.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Netflix Gushes Over Amazon's Streaming Video Service in Letter to Shareholders

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In a letter to shareholders Wednesday, Netflix Inc. predicted that Amazon will brand its video streaming service as a competing standalone offering. The letter, published on Netflix's website, also said the company expects its rival to "continue to offer their video service as a free extra with Prime domestically but also to brand their video subscription offering as a standalone service at a price less than ours." Not only did Netflix executives describe Amazon's superior selection of titles and lower pricing, they also documented a series of unbelievable Amazon perks that included discounted company stocks for every three movies ordered, access to celebrity sex tapes before they get leaked to the Internet, a lifetime supply of popcorn, and free puppies. They added that Amazon Inc. "also sells a crapload of other really cool things."

In related news, Amazon stocks soared to record highs Wednesday and Netflix announced the resignation of its Marketing Chief.

(c) 2012. See disclaimers.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Google Changes Privacy Policy to Pave Way for Bold New Platform

MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Representatives from Google announced Tuesday the most unified and personalized platform available to users. Effective March 1, users will be required to allow Google to follow their activities across email, search, YouTube, the Google + social networking application and nearly 60 other services. Lane Tamwhit, who oversees public relations for the Internet giant’s privacy group, said Google can now learn more about users to provide a "simpler, more intuitive" experience. Tamwhit explained that these enhancements are not currently permissible under existing privacy policies, so the company will be introducing an updated policy that also prevents users from accidentally opting out. "We strive to make our tools as easy to use as possible, but sometimes people get confused and hit the wrong button," Tamwhit said. "In order to ensure that users don't accidentally deactivate all of these amazing new features, we've simply removed the option to opt-out." Even more impressive, the newly proposed suite of services will extend to include an offline experience never before attempted by a web-based firm. "There's so much Google can do to help you if you open up to us," Tamwhit enthusiastically announced on the company's blog.

Monday, January 23, 2012

UFO Abductees Defend TSA Probings as Necessary and Proven Security Measures

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Much has been made in the news today about Fourth Amendment protections. In one instance, the Supreme Court unanimously ruled that police must obtain a search warrant before attaching GPS devices to the vehicles of suspects. Law enforcement officials argued that drivers operating on public roads should have no expectation of privacy. Troubled by that rationale, the court unanimously determined that the Fourth Amendment's protection of "persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures" extended to automobiles. Republican Senator Rand Paul (R-Ky.), son of presidential candidate Ron Paul (R-Texas), also invoked his reasonable expectation of privacy when he refused a TSA patdown Monday in Nashville after airport scanners reported an anomaly. Ron Paul responded with a harshly worded attack against the TSA, saying the agency "gropes and grabs our kids and our seniors and does nothing to keep us safe." But in a highly unusual turn of events, these invasive policies were resoundingly endorsed by a group of alien abductees who described the universe as a safer place because of austere screening procedures.

Friday, January 20, 2012

After Six Marines Killed in Deadly Helicopter Crash, Conservatives Declare War on 'Terrorist Aircraft Manufacturers'

KABUL, Afghanistan (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In the worst helicopter accident since August 2011, when 30 soldiers perished over eastern Afghanistan, six U.S. Marines crashed in the southern part of the country Thursday when their helicopter went down. All aboard have been declared dead. A spokesperson for the NATO-led International Security Assistance Force said Friday that no Taliban fighters had been active in the area. This latest incident represents just one in a long series of safety issues involving military aircraft. At least 283 personnel have been killed in helicopter crashes since the invasion of Iraq, with another 19 downed in fixed-wing vehicles. Senator Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.) allegedly told other members of Congress that the number of aircraft-related "murders" has become too large to ignore. Unnamed sources said Graham called the report "a troubling threat to our troops that we can no longer ignore. These helicopters are killing our service men and women, and in that regard, I would urge you to consider them enemy combatants."

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Southern California Mandates Use of Condoms in Legally Permissible Sex Professions

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Porn stars working in Southern California, particularly Los Angeles, will now be legally required to wear condoms during filming. Producers in the multibillion-dollar adult entertainment industry -- maligned but vital contributors to the state's suffering economy -- threatened to pull out early and penetrate markets in other areas if the legislature fails to relax its muscle. Regulators claim the austere move comes amid concerns about enforcing health measures needed to protect performers against HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases. Los Angeles City Council members, who approved the measure Tuesday after a 9 to 1 vote, said those studio heads throbbing with rage have been operating under the misguided notion that they've been singled out. "The fact is," said one official, "we're enforcing the mandatory condom requirement across numerous industries and professions where sex is involved, not just skin flicks."

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Disturbing Health Care Bill and Eerie Austerity Policies Lead to Violent Protests in Romania

BUCHAREST, Romania (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- After five days of violent clashes between riot police and demonstrators protesting Romania's "eerie" austerity measures, Prime Minister Emil Boc warned of severe consequences if the aggression continues. The unrest, which left 59 people injured, is the worst seen in the country since the fifteenth century, when an outbreak of anemia and porphyria caused peasants to the storm the castle of the principality's ruling count. On Monday, thousands of protesters peacefully assembled to call for the ouster of Prime Minister Emil Boc and his close political ally President Traian Basescu. The dissent initiated in support of the deputy health minister's resignation over a controversial piece of proposed health care legislation. But even after the government canceled the bill, the demonstrations devolved into a general expression of discontent with "disturbing" austerity policies and poverty.

Rick Perry Uncomfortably Attempts to Woo Veterans in South Carolina

MURRELLS INLET, S.C. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Texas Gov. Rick Perry switched campaign strategies Tuesday and placed his focus on courting veterans in South Carolina. The move came as a surprise to political observers who admitted to being unaware that Perry was still in the race for the Republican presidential nomination. South Carolina's economy and culture have historically been tied to the military. In fact, during the 2008 primary, nearly 25 percent of the voters in the state said they had served in the Armed Forces. Perry too has previously made his support for the military a key issue in his candidacy. The White House hopeful might not know how many branches of government there are, the national voting age, the number of U.S. states, the average quantity of toes on an Asian child, or how many Supreme Court Justices occupy the bench, but he knows a secret cabal of gay-loving government Illuminati are killing prayer in school by allowing homosexuals to serve in the military. He hoped this message would resound with his audience.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Angry Moviegoers Walk Out of 'The Artist' Citing Technical Problems with Sound and Color

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- After taking home the Golden Globe for Best Picture Comedy, "The Artist" managed to pique the curiosity of Bennington Vale's suburbanites, who admit to loving a good comedy. However, as county theaters began screening the film today, outraged moviegoers walked out of the showings and demanded refunds, citing technical difficulties with the sound and poor picture quality. Directed by Michel Hazanavicius, the French romance chronicles the decline of a famous male star alongside the rise of a fresh young actress during Depression-era Hollywood. "How did this rubbish win an award over real comedies like 'Bridesmaids' or 'Hangover 2?" vented exasperated homemaker Bethany Brightslice. "We were sold a false bill of goods. I expected something funny. You know, 'Wild Hogs' or 'Corky Romano' or 'Look Who's Talking' funny. Not this junk. If this was a comedy, you wouldn't know it -- especially since the sound was out through the whole movie."

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Area Prostitute Accurately Explains Convoluted EU Bailout Process

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- With the European Union (EU) heightening pressure on Hungary for reforms, and with talks in Greece set to resume next week at a meeting in Athens, confusion still exists about how the EU bailout program actually works. Europeans and non-Europeans alike have voiced concerns about the obfuscated and recursive nature of the proposals, and EU leaders have done little to clarify the process in simple terms. It turns out that Mae Verdulia could have the answer. Verdulia is known to many Bennington Vale residents as the off-beat but strangely charming panhandler and "freelance prostitute" who frequents the parking lot outside Piers Addleson's Pea House. During a working lunch at the restaurant, BVET staffers overheard Verdulia regaling waitress Verna Yerth with tales of a recent exploit, in which she accurately explained how the complex EU bailout functions in the real world.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Teen Discovers Ancient Version of 'Words with Friends' While Cleaning Out Grandmother's Closet

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- While cleaning out his recently deceased grandmother's closet for an estate sale, 19-year-old Skip Hespin of Bennington Vale stumbled upon a relic that sociologists from San Narciso College are calling an ancient predecessor to the immensely popular Words with Friends game. "I could hardly believe my eyes when I found it," Hespin said. "For the most part, it looks exactly like Words with Friends. But I have no idea how older generations worked this thing." No box or instructions could be found with the dilapidated set, but all the pieces were intact, having been stored in plastic bags. The game board, a 15 by 15 grid, displayed markings incredibly similar to those depicted in Words with Friends.

"There were squares for double word scores, triple letter scores, everything," Hespin added. "And there were all these little wooden tiles with letters. It's almost identical."

No Sign of Santorum in Dixville Notch

DIXVILLE NOTCH, N.H. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Just below the Canadian border in northern New Hampshire sits the tiny but storied Dixville Notch. The registered voters in this unincorporated hamlet -- nine this year -- famously cast the initial ballots in the nation's first presidential primary. In fact, during every election since 1968, the candidate with the most thumbs up in Dixville Notch has gone on to become the Republican nominee for president. Romney and Huntsman tied with two votes apiece. In second place were Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul. President Barack Obama received three votes. Surprisingly, however, Santorum was nowhere to be found in Dixville.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Romney Clarifies Remark on Firing People and Discharges Speech Writers Responsible for Gaffe

Courtesy Getty Images
HUDSON, N.H. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Mitt Romney's Republican rivals seized on a gaffe he made during a political speech at the Gilchrist Metal Fabricating plant in Hudson, N.H., in which the former Massachusetts governor declared that he liked to fire people who failed to provide the level of service he expects. The blunder occurred as Romney addressed members of the Nashua Chamber of Commerce on Monday. While discussing plans to improve the nation's "monopolistic" health insurance system, the presidential hopeful argued that insurance providers face inadequate incentives to offer better care to consumers. Most citizens obtain health coverage through employer-sponsored programs, Romney stated, which limits choices and the ability to "fire" providers who are not performing satisfactorily. "For example," Romney said, "I don't like the way my 70-year-old Cambodian masseuse ends my massages. But if I don't have the means to fire her and choose a different provider, I'm stuck with a dry, superficial and generally unhappy ending to my treatment. It's like bringing up sodomy without Santorum there -- you feel like something's missing."

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Santorum Denies Racist Remarks by Insisting He Said 'Blah' People; Blah Community Outraged

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Despite Rick Santorum's astonishingly strong finish in the Iowa caucuses -- coupled with the warm welcome he received in New Hampshire, the NAACP has condemned the former senator for targeting the black community at a campaign stop on Sunday, where Santorum told an audience that he intends to improve the quality of life for minorities, particularly African Americans, by stripping them of social assistance and support programs. The presidential hopeful took heat after saying: "I don't want to make black [sic] people's lives better by giving them somebody else's money; I want to give them the opportunity to go out and earn the money." Santorum then pitched a controversial employment program based on "time-honored labor initiatives of the nineteenth century," where black workers could move their families to large farms under the sponsorship of the owners. The program would operate outside the cumbersome limitations of regulatory oversight and stifling labor laws. "Without these impositions," Santorum added, "disadvantaged workers could realize unlimited earning potential with no taxes to pay, since they would no longer be part of the traditional federalist system." However, after being attacked by civil rights groups, Santorum explained that he wasn't referring to 'black people' but to 'blah' people.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Wave of Surging Santorum Drowns Michele Bachmann's Campaign and Laps at Romney's Heels

DES MOINES, Iowa (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) --Congresswoman Michele Bachmann (R-Minn.), the lone female in the GOP presidential race, announced Wednesday that she is ending her campaign after being swept away in a "persistent, savage and tacky" tidal wave of Santorum fever. "Last night, the people of Iowa spoke with a very clear voice, and so, I have decided to stand aside," Bachmann told supporters gathered in Des Moines the morning after she placed a dismal sixth in the caucuses. "Given that I am originally from Iowa, and that this conservative state is one of the few to legalize gay marriage and even elect an openly gay governor, and given that its very conservative Christian voters -- for some reason -- can't stop spreading Santorum over every inch of their beings, it's apparent to me that Iowa's chief export has become irony."

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Stunned iPhone User Discovers that Device Can Make and Accept Phone Calls

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Like most 18-year-olds in the county, Ty Ostrid of Santa Calcetines prides himself on staying current with emerging trends in technology. This Christmas, Ostrid received the newest Apple MacBook Pro, an iPad 2 and the recently released iPhone 4S. "As I begin college, these smart devices will help me with school and keep me from getting bored," Ostrid said. "You know, I used to think you could do nearly everything on them -- read books, play games, listen to music, email your family, manage your social networks, shoot video for YouTube and a whole bunch of other things. But after New Year's Eve, I realized that they can do everything."

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