Thursday, August 30, 2012

Arizona Prosecutes Woman for Self-Administered Abortion Under 'Pregnancy Begins Two Weeks Before Conception' Law

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- According to a new law signed by Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer on April 12, women in the state are now deemed legally pregnant two weeks before conception. HB 2036, which bears the less official but decidedly Orwellian name "Women's Health and Safety Act," states its purpose is to address "a number of key issues that present a clear risk to maternal health and allow for a woman to be coerced into having an abortion." Critics have attacked the bill's language as misleading and unclear: the law never attempts to clarify how women are being coerced into terminating their pregnancies, who precisely is responsible for the coercion, or how it's medically and scientifically possible for impregnation to occur prior to sexual activity. But on Thursday, as if to fan the conservative flames rising from the culmination of the Republican National Convention, state officials announced they would be prosecuting a woman for performing an unlicensed home abortion, citing provisions of the Women's Health and Safety Act.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

GOP Convention's Mystery Guest Revealed: Ronald Reagan

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Rumors of a mystery speaker at the 2012 Republican National Convention sparked curiosity and speculation among attendees after being confirmed by one Romney aide. Tight-lipped members of the Romney camp hope the allure of the secret guest will entice more people to attend the event, which is suffering disappointing turnout figures because of Hurricane Isaac, women voters with self respect and Romney's astounding unlikability factor. When the RNC released the convention schedule Monday, it included the notation "To Be Announced" for a prime-time slot Thursday, which signals the finale of the conference. Russ Schreifer, the aide in charge of convention planning for the Romney campaign, admitted that an unnamed guest would be slated to address the crowd, but he refused to reveal any further details. However, insiders at Hollywood effects house Digital Domain -- the Oscar-winning CGI company responsible for the holographic resurrection of Tupac Shakur at this year's Coachella Music Festival -- leaked details of the big surprise, which they claim has been in the works for several months. "In a nutshell, we're using our technology to bring the Republican Party hero, Ronald Reagan, back from the dead to wow tentative voters," the source divulged.

Monday, August 27, 2012

Fearing Hurricane Isaac as Divine Retribution, Terrified RNC Attendees Consider Human Sacrifice as Atonement

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Authorities in New Orleans escalated emergency procedures Monday as Tropical Storm Isaac barreled toward the Gulf Coast, on track to becoming a full-fledged hurricane. The menacing storm threatens to unleash serious flooding throughout the region on the seventh anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. Meteorologists predict Isaac to make landfall on Tuesday or Wednesday. Not only have refineries closed and evacuation preparations begun, the storm has also impacted the Republican National Convention in Florida. Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal, scheduled to sing the praises of Mitt Romney at the RNC gathering, had to cancel his trip. And just seconds after declaring the festivities under way, GOP chairman Reince Priebus closed the session, which threw conservative Christian Republicans into a state of panic from the resulting crisis of faith. "Our religious leaders, people like Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell and Rush Limbaugh, understood that catastrophes such as this are sent by God to punish sinners," a distraught Paul Ryan said. To appease the vengeful deity, GOP delegates are now contemplating desperate actions.

Saturday, August 25, 2012

RIP Neil Armstrong

Neil Armstrong, the first man to walk on the surface of the moon, has died at the age of 82.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Walmart Warns Investors of Production Snags as Child Mortality Rates Soar in Sudan

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Since the early 2000s, Walmart executives, shareholders and Wall Street investors have worried about living conditions in third world countries. "Like all large companies that rely on manufacturing and distribution, Walmart has focused heavily on issues of human rights, forced labor and health factors," said Len Waybill, head economist for the conservative Peter Pinguid Society. "If a developing nation's environment turns inhospitable, the vital supply of child workers dwindles to unsustainable levels. That drives up the cost of goods, and could subsequently destroy Walmart margins and the value of its stock -- an unthinkable, apocalyptic scenario." On Thursday, those fears became a reality after a study conducted by Medicine sans Frontier (MSF) found child mortality rates in South Sudan far surpassing emergency levels for the region.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

New Poll Shows Voters Don't Care About Gas Prices: 'It's Not Like We're Driving to a Job'

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- With the Labor Day holiday fast approaching, along with the travel that generally accompanies it, American consumers seem certain to focus on the recent spike in gasoline prices, which had subsided after a national average peak of $3.49 per gallon in April but rose again Monday to $3.72 a gallon. For those living in California -- a state that consistently outpaces the nation in higher gas prices -- the news is worse. Chevron's Richmond refinery fire over a week ago signaled a 40-cent increase at the pumps for the Golden State's motorists. California now averages $4.10 per gallon. Concerns over the economic impact of the climbing rates have prompted President Obama to consider releasing oil reserves from U.S. stockpiles to alleviate the pinch on consumers, particularly important during an election year. However, a new Reuters/Ipsos poll published Tuesday indicates that soaring gas prices ranked last in the top 10 factors likely to influence voters this November.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Smithsonian Guards on Suicide Watch after Claiming Museum Pieces Come to Life After Hours

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Officials in Washington D.C. evacuated the Hirshhorn Museum at the Smithsonian Monday after a guard was discovered dead. Investigators determined the cause of death to be a self-inflicted gunshot wound. Representatives from the Smithsonian Institute told police the guard killed himself with his service revolver in the locker room located in the basement of the facility. The suicide is believed to have taken place around 3:00 p.m. EDT. Apart from museum officials, no one from the public witnessed the incident and no other parties were injured or involved. The guard's name has been withheld from the press. Although the victim left no suicide note or indication of his motives, co-workers on the graveyard shift admitted the "disturbing" environment was driving them to consider similar actions. All have reported suffering recently from abnormal amounts of stress, which has sometimes led to hallucinations that the exhibits come alive.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Todd Akin Explains Rape Classifications and How Female Reproductive Systems Actually Work

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In a bold move to make the "Dr. Strangelove" character Gen. Jack Ripper proud, Representative Todd Akin (R-Mo.) opted for total commitment in the GOP's war against women this weekend with bizarre comments about "legitimate rape" and the power of a woman's uterus to block pregnancy in such situations. Akin's decision, like Ripper's, was orchestrated without the approval or foreknowledge of his superiors. It also bucked tradition, which generally holds that a war against women could only mean Republicans believe the uterus capable of producing crude oil or that at some point a vagina tried to kill George H.W. Bush. The surprising aftermath saw GOP leaders withdrawing financial and political support for Akin's current Senate race as he remained defiant and refused to resign. Akin, a conservative Christian who sits on the Committee for Science, Space and Technology, and whose mission is to restore "traditional scientific methods" to "unproven 21st century malarkey," doubled down Monday by holding a series of press conferences to educate the confused masses about the different types of rape and how female reproductive systems actually operate.

Friday, August 17, 2012

Lonely Nerd Psychologist Claims Oral Sex Miracle Cure for Morning Sickness and Other Maladies

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- New York based psychologist Gordon Gallup has posited an unconventional theory that the morning sickness suffered by pregnant women may be abated by continual exposure to the father's semen. Despite criticism from the medical establishment, Gallup -- long recognized for making headlines by touting the healing properties of sperm -- and his supporters remain undeterred. On Friday, Dr. Alvin Eugene Humphreys, a follower of Gallup's work, emerged in the media to take up his mentor's mantel and bring it to the next level by claiming that practicing prolonged and routine oral sex may cure women of countless ailments, from the common cold to cancer.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Twenty Facts You Should Know About a Mitt Romney White House

Investigative research and additional reporting by Michael Livingston

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- According to seasoned and respected political analysts, not since Richard Nixon has there been a more secretive candidate than Mitt Romney. He won't release his tax returns, he won't use his given name, he won't reveal his blunders, he keeps the public in the dark about his decision making process, he prefers to deal with only top officials and not the people he serves, and he left the governor's office in Massachusetts with the hard drives from his computer. In the latter instance, though, he may have been well intentioned in protecting the public from his video collection of bum fights and Amish rake duels. Romney also changes positions more often than a highly compensated call girl in Manhattan, which makes pinning down his agenda even more challenging. But in his defense, the people rabidly supporting him -- those same individuals who demanded proof of Barack Obama's citizenship and Christianity -- have shown little interest in seeing whether the potential commander-in-chief actually pays his taxes. This year promises to be a tough slog for American voters: one candidate is believed to be the elitist son of a man born in an economically depressed foreign country, whose religion remains a source of confusion to nearly half the nation; the other is President Obama. To help, our researchers have compiled a list of facts about Mitt Romney.

Monday, August 13, 2012

Guns Don't Kill People, Hollywood Does

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Evening Transcript reporter G. Righter has been following the local campaign of F. Chester Greene, a San Narciso County resident vying for a shot at the White House in 2012 as the GOP's premier write-in candidate. As a result of our reporter's coverage, he has gained access to speeches, policy proposals, and documents leaked by Greene Party aides. The following is a memo authored by Greene that seeks to clarify the misconception that gun ownership rights are responsible for the tragic shootings that have affected citizens across many states over the past few months. In the correspondence, Greene pins the blame squarely on the conspiratorial messages promoted in films by a corrupt, power-mad Hollywood agenda.

Friday, August 10, 2012

Facebook or al Qaeda? Investors Struggle with Dilemma

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Two of the world's most well-known violators of privacy and security are now being questioned by investors about their long-term sustainability after recent revelations of destabilized leadership and lackluster performance. Facebook disappointed shareholders last week when it reported a decline of over 13 percent. As a result, shares slumped to $21.71 at the close in New York on July 31. After three consecutive days of decline, the world's largest social network reported a drop to 6.2 percent -- an historic low. All in all, Facebook's value has waned 43 percent since its IPO. Like Facebook, international terror group al Qaeda has also delivered equally disappointing second-quarter figures. In a report issued last Tuesday, U.S. intelligence agencies declared terrorist attacks by al Qaeda to have reached their lowest levels since 2005. Analysts at Sanford C. Bernstein noted that both enterprises have created a difficult predicament for investors seeking to gain from long-term solvency and returns. "Still, if I were looking at the business model with the most staying power, something not easily displaced by the next new fad, I'd put my money on al Qaeda," said one economist.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

After Chick-fil-A Success, Papa John's Attacks Obamacare in Effort to Boost Sales

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- By openly defying gay marriage and accusing homosexuals of arrogantly twisting God's words about the sanctity of matrimony, Chick-fil-A President Don Cathy transformed a mediocre chicken nugget sandwich into a divisive and hugely newsworthy political symbol. As a result, sales at Chick-fil-A skyrocketed when supporters crowded into restaurants to show Cathy that they too supported his interpretation of God's definition of marriage. "Right now, the sales figures for some of the most popular fast food restaurants have become as stale and unhealthy as their menu items," a representative from the National Restaurant Association said. "Don Cathy was a genius to hitch his hens to the gay-hate wagon. If places like the Golden Arches wish to keep their luster, they'll need to associate their brands with things that increase the hate and fear of their conservative base." And Papa John's founder, John Schnatter, found his scary political issue Wednesday when he announced he would raise the price of his pizzas unless Obamacare is repealed, giving pizza lovers something else to hate about Papa John's.

Monday, August 6, 2012

Romney to Outsource Vice Presidency to India

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Spending an excessive amount of his time campaigning with and for Mitt Romney, Gov. Bobby Jindal (R-La.) is positioning himself to receive the appointment as Romney's running mate, political analysts believe. Over the last few months, Jindal has been canvassing the country to appear with Romney at stump speeches and to give countless television interviews in support of the presidential candidate. Along with former Gov. Tim Pawlenty (R-Minn.) and Sen. Rob Portman (R-Ohio), Jindal is now considered to be Romney's third top pick. Jindal doesn't have the political chops of Pawlenty, and if Portman can swing his state's 18 electoral votes to Romney, the pivotal advantage of Ohio could sway Romney in the senator's favor. However, Romney camp insiders say Jindal virtually has the job in his pocket. "Mitt's time at Bain Capital taught him a very important lesson," said Jules Yetterskline, a Romney campaign strategist. "Americans are often slow, expensive and a little demanding about their treatment; so if you want the job done quickly, cheaply and efficiently, you outsource to India."

Thursday, August 2, 2012

KKK Names Chick-fil-A Official Restaurant

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Fans and critics of Chick-fil-A have taken to the streets to show their support or express their condemnation for the company, which recently courted controversy when its president, Dan Cathy, publicly denounced same-sex marriage. While proponents of equal rights protested with signs bearing the phrase "Cluck Off," religious conservatives lined city blocks to be part of "Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day," less formally known as "Cook a Queer Clucker for Christ" among certain circles. More than 600,000 people RSVPed to the event on Facebook, which was orchestrated by former presidential candidate and notably obese, hardcore overeater of fat-fried foods, Mike Huckabee.

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