Thursday, April 28, 2011

After Deadly Tornadoes Rip Through Alabama, GOP Worries that Federal Relief Sends Wrong "Socialist" Message

TUSCALOOSA, Ala.* -- Officials in Alabama, expected to step up emergency relief efforts Thursday after a series of powerful tornadoes tore through the region and left over 180 dead, instead asked workers from the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) to leave. Kerry Lubgaite, head of the FEMA ground crew, described himself as “flabbergasted” when he received the instructions to abort the mission, presumably from Governor Bentley, Senator Jeff Sessions, and Senator Richard Shelby. Lubgaite, however, confessed that he could barely decipher the message, which was “packed with a bunch of language promising political favors to local businessmen. Somewhere in all that hogwash was a note saying that FEMA’s presence might be sending an anti-American message, but I couldn’t tell who actually wrote it.”

Federal Assistance is Socialism, More Dangerous Than Tornadoes
Lubgaite told reporters, “This is the worst disaster to hit the area since Governor Bentley’s inauguration speech. I can’t believe we’ve been asked to abandon these poor people to their doom.”

But insiders say the state’s two senators and its governor unanimously agreed on the seemingly bizarre decision to stop FEMA from taking action. A GOP spokesperson read from a prepared statement issued to the press:

This was not an easy conclusion to arrive at. The three of us put our heads together and thoroughly reviewed the issues at hand. We’ve lost some cherished voters, and we’re mighty sorry to see them go. But here’s the thing. We can’t predict the weather or what devastation may come with it. We need to stay focused on the issues. And as Republicans, whom you elected to represent your best interests, we understand that reducing the deficit and cutting taxes are still the biggest challenges facing us today. Asking FEMA to rush in here like a bunch of Stormtroopers is inviting more government intervention, federal spending, tax hikes, and socialism. That’s more detrimental to your welfare than a natural disaster, no matter how epic.

After the news conference, some GOP public relations representatives mentioned that they felt the people of Alabama deserved to share some portion of the blame, and needed to bail themselves out before turning to the government for help.

“What good’s living in a home on wheels if you can’t drive away from bad weather?” one GOP lobbyist was overheard asking a senator.

Pat Robertson Confused by Wrath of God
“Alabama is not the typical anti-Christian, anti-family, pro-gay Sodom we expect to find on the nation’s coasts,” Robertson commented, admittedly at a loss to explain God’s vengeance. “There were plenty of other places in America, full of homosexuals and Democrats and infidels, where God marched on in and flushed away the scum. Didn’t even need to do much sorting, either. But Alabama surprises me. A good, clean, conservative state with morals and values.”

Robertson eventually surmised that the decadence of the “all the way” hash browns sold at area Waffle House restaurants may have played a hand.

“If you look at their menu to figure out how many toppings are ‘all the way,’ you’ll realize there are seven. You know what other way in life offers seven deadly choices? I think you do.”

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.

*EDITOR'S NOTE: This article has been altered from the original version that ran this afternoon. Senator Jeff Sessions' spokesperson sent an email directly to this publication urging us to more prominently clarify the site as satirical. His email:

"Sir, I realize your site is not a real news site but the pretend article you have written about today’s devastating tragedy does not make any clear indication that is an imaginary story and I would urge that this be corrected. Thank you."

In deference to Sen. Sessions, state officials, and the citizens of Alabama, we would like readers to understand that the content of this article is imaginary. Jeff Sessions has not asked FEMA to abandon its efforts, he did not issue a press statement equating federal relief agencies to Stormtroopers, nor did he use the disaster as a political platform to repeal the estate tax for the wealthy, as he did to the victims of Hurricane Katrina.