Monday, April 11, 2011

New Report Shows Americans Healthier Than Ever as Millions Give Up Health Insurance

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- One of the key issues dividing Democrats and Republicans in their formulation of the 2011 federal budget is President Obama’s sweeping health care reform. Opponents worry that by extending health care to the needy, the nation runs many risks: overpopulation, socialism, and the economic distress that will arise from the collapsing health care system once taken over by government “blue shirts,” a GOP allusion recalling both the German “brown shirts” of the 1940s and a common color of surgical scrubs. But according to a new study released by the New York-based Commonwealth Fund, the need for universal health care -- or any health care at all -- might be overblown.

Problems with Health Care Reform
“The primary concern right now is the issue of overpopulation, especially as we move closer to outlawing abortion,” said Carlisle Olden-Whitely, chairman of San Narciso’s foremost conservative political action committee -- Association of Republican Seniors, Wives, Young Professionals and Entrepreneurs (ARSWYPE). “That’s going to put a lot more people into the system. Many of those babies could be needy, born drug addicted, or with congenital defects, and they’ll need access to good health care. Now that quality of health care won’t be available to these babies with the President’s over-expanding Medicaid to the poor. High performing doctors will be leaving for private practice. The social medical system will be stretched thin, and therefore diluted. Nobody wins here.”

Len Waybill, an economist for the conservative Peter Pinguid Society, agreed that Obama’s health reform could be the end of the United States.

“The United States has long reigned as a paragon of military prowess, economic might, moral fortitude, opportunity, and civil liberties,” said Waybill. “Unfortunately, America has also led the world in health risks over the last few years. Nearly four out of 10 adults in the country are projected to become obese within five years if they maintain their current levels of food consumption and unhealthy diets. And whose fault is that? The government’s. The FDA regulates what we eat, and frankly we eat crap. Worse than that, we eat too much of it. But again, it’s the FDA that posts the serving size on every box of doughnuts. I can’t imagine that by allowing government to run health care -- when it’s directly responsible for sending us to the sick house -- the President’s plan will lead to anything short of apocalypse. Fortunately, with today’s numbers on health insurance, I think we’ll be just fine.”

A Hale and Hardy America -- No Need for Doctors
According to new studies released by both the Commonwealth Fund and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Americans may be much healthier than believed.

Nearly 20 percent of the U.S. population -- or almost 60 million people -- have gone without health insurance at some point since January 2010.

The analysis comes as Democrats and Republicans wage a heated war over the 2011 budget, with Obama’s health care bill a pivotal source of contention.

“These numbers are actually great news,” said Jonas Riggenbotham, one of the head researchers on the project. “Congress is fighting back and forth on health care reform, but our data shows that no reform is needed. Health care is working great. More than 52 million people gave up their insurance last year. They just didn’t need it any longer. If the figures demonstrate anything, it’s that Americans are healthier than ever before.”

“More importantly,” continued Riggenbotham, “another 73 million insured adults decided to stop paying for their health care plans, while 75 million other people cancelled or deferred scheduled treatments.”

“If there’s anything troubling about the findings at all,” explained Waybill, “it’s that we need to start worrying about the executives in the health care industry who might be in danger of losing their jobs over this exciting news. But that’s how it goes. You solve one major problem -- the need for health care -- and wind up contributing to another one -- growing unemployment.”

Ongoing advances in pharmaceuticals and genetic food engineering, combined with significant decreases in cigarette usage, are likely contributors to the enhanced quality of American salubrity. And as more people give up their health insurance and visit their physicians less frequently, it seems unnecessary to spend billions of additional dollars on new health care regulations and public programs.

“In this benefits debate, everyone stands to benefit,” concluded Waybill. “Now we can get back to the serious business of reducing deficits and balancing budgets. And if we stick with the food analogy, then Paul Ryan’s cooked up a really smart dish with his budget proposal. Think of it this way, you’re a vegetarian concerned about your bills. So you make a list of all the things you could do without. Steak, bologna, turkey, salmon, sausage, bacon, so many pricey foods you really don’t need in your life. Now, you wipe all those money wasting non-essentials from your shopping list, and you’ve already saved hundreds. Just like that! This is precisely what Republicans are proposing. Maybe now, with health care out of the way, Democrats can finally start focusing on eliminating their other non-essential items so we can get the economy back on track.”
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