Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Wisconsin Republicans Posthumously Elect Emperor Norton as Ruler of America

MADISON, Wis. -- Since taking office, Governor Scott Walker has made some unpopular decisions, seemingly without regard for established procedures or laws. Walker’s dubious parliamentary tactic to push through massive cuts in compensation for public employees and curtail collective bargaining agreements caused Democrats to abandon their posts. The issue has also led to activists gathering signatures to recall all members of Walker’s Republican controlled Senate. More critically, Wisconsin voters on Tuesday sent Governor Walker a clear message about their displeasure with his strong-arming an anti-union rights bill through the Legislature by electing Democrat JoAnne Kloppenburg to the vacant seat in the state’s Supreme Court. Voters hope that Kloppenburg will rule against Walker when his law is inevitably challenged before the high court.

Even fearing the collapse of his regime, Walker today refused to back down and instead announced a startlingly brazen plan to abolish the United States Congress and the Office of the President by installing a deceased puppet dictator as Emperor of America.

Other Walker Controversies
In addition to the uproar over his radical budgetary reforms, Governor Walker also found himself in hot water this week when it was discovered that he had hired the son of a lobbyist friend for an $81,000 a year job in his administration.

Brian Deschane, 27, has no formal college education, but he does have multiple DUIs. Walker chose Deschane over two qualified candidates as head of environmental and regulatory affairs in the state Department of Commerce. The other candidates possess doctoral degrees, engineering skills, and decades of experience in relevant positions. They do not, however, have drunk driving convictions on their records, which Walker felt made them less appealing to voters.

“Wisconsin is an ‘everyman’ state,” Walker allegedly told aides. “People here want someone they can relate to, not snobbish academic elite.”

The revelation of Deschane’s position and salary has increased the friction between Walker and the angry citizens of Wisconsin, which likely influenced the election of Kloppenburg.

In Bizarre Move, Walker Orders the Dissolution of Congress
On December 16, 1773, after officials in Boston refused to return three shiploads of taxed tea to Britain, a group of colonists boarded the ships and destroyed the tea by throwing it into Boston Harbor. Scott Walker, a Tea Party Republican, today honored the spirit of that iconic protest with an act of defiance that political analysts have called the most extreme of its kind in U.S. history.

Governor Walker, before a delegation of Wisconsin lawmakers and reporters this afternoon, announced the posthumous installation of Joshua Abraham Norton -- the self-proclaimed Imperial Majesty Emperor Norton I -- as the sole ruler of the United States.

Norton was a British businessman who immigrated to the United States in 1849, landing in San Francisco, Calif. Shortly thereafter, he lost his fortune by investing in Peruvian rice -- not understanding at the time that “Peruvian rice” was Victorian-era slang for a narcotic derived from opium, coca leaves, and llama feces. Norton subsequently left San Francisco but returned a few years later, mentally unbalanced.

In 1859, having become a colorful and harmless fixture in the city, Norton proclaimed himself “Emperor of these United States.” Although the people of San Francisco viewed him as an eccentric odd-ball, they celebrated his regal presence, going so far as to honor his self-minted currency and his famous order to dissolve the United States Congress by force.

Norton died in 1880 on a street corner.

Despite Norton’s strange history and demise, Governor Scott Walker has exorcised his ghost and his calls to prevent Congress from assembling.

In this afternoon’s press conference, Walker appeared with a homeless man attired in a manner to evoke Emperor Norton’s unique appearance, and read from the 1859 imperial decree that summoned the army to depose the elected officials of the U.S. Congress:

WHEREAS, a body of men calling themselves the National Congress are now in session in Washington City, in violation of our Imperial edict of the 12th of October last, declaring the said Congress abolished;

WHEREAS, it is necessary for the repose of our Empire that the said decree should be strictly complied with;

NOW, THEREFORE, we do hereby Order and Direct Major-General Scott, the Command-in-Chief of our Armies, immediately upon receipt of this, our Decree, to proceed with a suitable force and clear the Halls of Congress.

Walker then announced that Wisconsin would ban the sale of homogenized milk “for obvious reasons.”

When pressed to clarify, Walker said, “It’s homo-genized. It creates homosexuals, get it? Says so right in the name. Why on earth would conservative, God-fearing Wisconsin dairy farmers continue this practice? We’re cutting collective bargaining out of the budget so we can funnel that tax revenue into meaningful programs like the Defense of Marriage Act. Homo-generating milk production ends today.”

Concluding his address, Walker was promptly rushed off the stage by concerned staffers and police escorts.

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