Friday, January 31, 2014

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford Defends Justin Bieber, Fellow Canadian and 'Potential Source'

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Embattled Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, the Marion Barry of Canadian city governance, rose to the defense of Justin Bieber on Thursday after the host of the Washington D.C.-based radio program "The Sports Junkies" called Bieber "Canada's worst export." Ford added that he has never met Bieber, does not enjoy his style of music and has no deep affinity for the 19-year-old pop star because of their shared national identity. Ford, whose mayoral term has been plagued by drunken stupors and erratic crack-induced antics, said he's desperately been trying to connect with Bieber since authorities discovered drugs at the singer's Calabasas home earlier this month. "I'm not what you would call a 'Belieber,' but if I could visit Justin's place in Los Angeles and hang out for a weekend, I might be persuaded," Ford said.

Thursday, January 30, 2014

Canada Threatens International Incident if U.S. Deports Justin Bieber: "He's Your Problem Now"

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- If the reports are to be "beliebed," over 100,000 people have signed a petition asking the White House to revoke Justin Bieber's visa and have him deported back to Canada. The megalomaniac teen singer has been embroiled in an ongoing series of legal troubles arising from his unrepentant misbehavior. But immigration experts say his removal from the United States on these grounds alone would be unlikely. Obama administration officials, however, admitted that Canada's adamant refusal to allow the extradition of Bieber back to the Great White North could spark an international incident.

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson Warns Americans of Real Threat to Sochi Olympics

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- As the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia, approach, security consultants and State Department officials have warned travelers that these may be the most dangerous games in their lifetimes. House Homeland Security Committee Chairman Michael McCaul (R-Texas) told media that "the security threat to the Olympics, this particular Olympics, is the greatest I've seen." The upcoming events have also been clouded by Russia's renewed stance against homosexuality. Phil Robertson, the outspoken and suddenly political television personality from "Duck Dynasty," also chimed in on the issue, urging Americans on Tuesday to avoid attending the Sochi Olympics in light of the threat. "We all know what's going down in the USSR -- the gay menace will descend on Russia to sabotage what were once goodwill games for straight athletes, all because Russia had the stones to do what America wouldn't -- protect its children from glorifying these perverted, sin-loving heathens," he said.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

NRA Adds Popcorn to List of Deadly Assault Snacks after Florida Theater Shooting

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On January 13, retired police captain Curtis Reeves, 71, shot and killed a man in a Florida movie theater after getting into a heated altercation. Reeves confronted 43-year-old Chad Oulsen about sending text messages on his mobile phone during the previews before the main feature, "Lone Survivor." As the argument escalated, Mr. Oulsen allegedly threw popcorn at Reeves, provoking an armed response. Under the state's exceedingly broad Stand Your Ground law, a person carrying a firearm may gun down, in cold blood, any perceived assailant or ambiguous, trivial threat. Reeves was charged with second-degree murder, although legal experts suspect he will invoke Stand Your Ground to justify killing a man equipped with only popcorn. But as the National Rifle Association (NRA) points out, citing George Zimmerman's acquittal under the "Skittles Defense" for his part in the slaying of otherwise unarmed teen Trayvon Martin, confections and snack foods in the state pose serious threats to the population. The NRA has now added popcorn to its growing list of "deadly assault snacks."

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Chris Christie Caught in Lies at Press Conference, Claims He Learned of Emails While Working Out

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Thursday, after a day of silence and strategizing in the wake of revelations that top aides in his administration orchestrated the politically motivated sabotage of the George Washington Bridge in September, New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie appeared before the press to issue a brief public apology followed by two hours of self-indulgent, self-pitying and, at times, passive-aggressive assurances that he was "a very sad person today." Emails published by the Bergen Record on Wednesday presented indisputable evidence that Christie's top staffers and allies plotted to create four days of lane closures on the bustling connector between New Jersey and New York. Christie fired those responsible and denied any involvement in the incident, but his hefty smorgasbord of inconsistent and dubious statements served to further implicate him as another big fat liar in the scandal, particularly when he told reporters he first heard of the emails while he was "working out."

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Obama's Secret Polar Vortex Machine Actually Causing Global Warming, Scientists Confess

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The scientists commissioned by President Obama to construct the polar vortex machine -- a massive and covert device capable of generating freezing weather patterns across broad geographic regions to replicate arctic conditions -- have admitted that the technology has gotten out of control and is now, itself, contributing to global warming. Dr. Mason Sturmarzt, the head meteorologist for the clandestine project, said the device -- the existence of which was uncovered Monday by conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh -- is displacing substantial amounts of heat, "just like a refrigerator or air conditioner. It's basic thermodynamics, and we should have accounted for that."

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Beyonce's Challenger Controversy Inspires Other Singers to Use Insensitive Samples of Disasters in Their Music

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- "XO," the first single off pop star Beyonce's eponymous new album, has sparked backlash among the surviving families of the Space Shuttle Challenger's doomed seven-member crew, all of whom perished when a malfunction led to the explosion of the vessel 73-seconds after launch. A haunting sample of the broadcast from Mission Control that fateful day -- January 28, 1986 -- plays during the opening of Beyonce's song: "Flight controllers here looking very carefully at the situation. Obviously a major malfunction." Use of the recording has led to outrage and condemnation. But other singers, such as Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus, say they also plan to incorporate samples from horrific tragedies into their own music to underscore the pain of trivial inconveniences and transient emotional setbacks.

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