SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The scientists commissioned by President Obama to construct the polar vortex machine -- a massive and covert device capable of generating freezing weather patterns across broad geographic regions to replicate arctic conditions -- have admitted that the technology has gotten out of control and is now, itself, contributing to global warming. Dr. Mason Sturmarzt, the head meteorologist for the clandestine project, said the device -- the existence of which was uncovered Monday by conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh -- is displacing substantial amounts of heat, "just like a refrigerator or air conditioner. It's basic thermodynamics, and we should have accounted for that."
On Tuesday, Limbaugh took to Twitter to accuse the political left of creating the polar vortex hoax to bolster its global warming noise. The day before, Limbaugh told his listeners:
We are having a record-breaking cold snap in many parts of the country. And right on schedule the media have to come up with a way to make it sound like it's completely unprecedented. Because they've got to find a way to attach this to the global warming agenda, and they have. It's called the "polar vortex." The dreaded polar vortex.
Do you know what the polar vortex is? Have you ever heard of it? Well, they just created it for this week…They're in the middle of a hoax, they're perpetrating a hoax, but they're relying on their total dominance of the media to lie to you each and every day about climate change and global warming.
For his part, Dr. Sturmarzt confirmed Limbaugh's statements, saying the polar vortex was indeed a spectacular hoax dreamed up by environmental fat cats in the White House who profit from the climate agenda by perpetuating ecological fears.
"But global warming remains a palpable concern to many Americans," Sturmarzt said. "It won Al Gore a Nobel Peace Prize off a high school level PowerPoint presentation. But that's not to say the threat and condition aren't real."
The machine was intended to demonstrate, ironic as it sounds, how increasing temperatures around the world indirectly influence freezing climates. The Arctic is heating faster than other parts of the planet, spurred by melting polar sea ice. The white ice reflects energy into space while the darker blue waters absorb it. Temperatures in the area have now become two degrees warmer than they were in the 1960s. As the difference in temperature between the Arctic and North America shrinks, the jet stream currents become more unstable, carrying warmer temperatures farther north than usual and polar conditions farther south.
"The scientists behind the machine's design had nobler intentions, which should not be discounted in these discussions," Sturmarzt emphasized. "Global warming is happening. And should the Earth's climate reach an inescapable ecological event horizon, we were planning to deploy the machine as a sort of global air conditioning unit. But we were a bit shortsighted in our efforts. We failed to consider where the displaced heat would go. And all cooling units must give off heat in the exchange. That's why you feel hot air when running your hand along the underside of your refrigerator. It was a stupid, rookie mistake, really."
Air conditioners and refrigerators use chemicals to convert gas into liquids and back again. The chemicals transfer heat from the air inside the structure to the outside. The coolant enters the compressor as a cool, low-pressure gas. It then leaves the compressor as a hot, high-pressure gas that flows into a condenser. Vents in the units serve as radiators that help the heat dissipate. But in every exchange, heat must be expelled.
"So the long and short of it comes down to this: when the polar vortex machine sends sub-zero gales to sweep large swaths of the Midwest and East, it must also release tremendous amounts of heat to areas outside the target regions," Sturmarzt illustrated. "This would explain why Californians spent Christmas and New Year's basking in 80-degree weather on the beach while other parts of the country were buried in ice."
Sturmarzt said his team is ready to go back to the drawing board as soon as the scandal passes. "But seeing as how Limbaugh still can't get off his mandatory contraception rant from a year ago, it may be a while," he added.
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