Thursday, January 30, 2014

Canada Threatens International Incident if U.S. Deports Justin Bieber: "He's Your Problem Now"


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- If the reports are to be "beliebed," over 100,000 people have signed a petition asking the White House to revoke Justin Bieber's visa and have him deported back to Canada. The megalomaniac teen singer has been embroiled in an ongoing series of legal troubles arising from his unrepentant misbehavior. But immigration experts say his removal from the United States on these grounds alone would be unlikely. Obama administration officials, however, admitted that Canada's adamant refusal to allow the extradition of Bieber back to the Great White North could spark an international incident.

Bieber's crimes and misdemeanors, which run the gamut from vandalism to DUIs, do not amount to the "moral turpitude" or "amoral conduct" that warrant removal from the United States, desperate immigration attorneys in Canada claim. But according to President Obama, the situation is more nuanced than that. Canadian officials have pushed back aggressively on any plans by the United States to return Bieber to his native soil.

"The Prime Minister's office said Canada will consider any overtures to send Justin Bieber back as hostile acts, potentially worthy of an armed response," one White House insider commented.

Parliamentary leaders in Canada called Bieber a "spoiled, self-important, talentless miscreant with an undeserved ego, whose continual misbehavior and abuse of status to violate public safety laws make him a better fit as a celebrity in America than in the land of pine and maple."

And yet, the petition sent to the White House has received the requisite number of signatures to secure an official response from the U.S. government. Though Bieber's misdeeds may not satisfy the justification for deportation under the grounds that he has physically harmed someone, agents with the Citizenship and Immigration Services division of Homeland Security point out that Bieber could still be forced out of the country under a technicality with his visa.

"As a pop star, Justin Bieber received 0-1 immigration status, which is conferred to individuals with 'extraordinary ability' in arts, sciences or related fields," said a DHS representative. "Basically, Bieber is a guest in this country because of his position in the arts. But our investigations have provided no definitive or even objective proof that Bieber's abilities could reasonably be defined as extraordinary. At all. In any sense of the word. Therefore, we should have no problem revoking his visa. If Canada wants to go to war over this, we're happy to oblige. Frankly, it equates to one country dumping its toxic waste in a neighbor's backyard. And because of Bieber's law breaking and vandalism here, the president is prepared to list him as a Canadian terrorist. Seriously, he's just that awful. And in terms of damage, I also deeply believe that his music harms every hapless soul who stumbles upon it."

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