Friday, December 30, 2011

New Year’s Eve Safety Advisory: What Goes Up Must Come Down

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The San Narciso Police Department is warning residents that continuing illicit New Year's Eve traditions can be dangerous and may result in jail time. Some residents, as part of celebrating the new year, have been engaging in dangerous behaviors that include breaking IKEA dishes on their neighbors’ porches, the practice known as “hogging” and hamster juggling. Mayor Manny DiPresso advised that while he has no idea where these traditions originated, they have no place in the suburbs.

Correction to Story on Dangerous Sinkhole in Pennsylvania and Santorum's Surge in Iowa

ALLENTOWN, Pa. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The editors and staff of The Bennington Vale Evening Transcript apologize for the unintentional inaccuracies we encountered during our reporting of a sinkhole in Pennsylvania. The article, fatally flawed, has been removed from the site. On Thursday, a large sinkhole appeared in Allentown, Pa., spreading quickly to a historic cemetery. As a result, 25 people were evacuated from their homes, according to fire officials. The cemetery holds about 20,000 graves, including 714 Civil War veterans. Because of a poor phone connection with our correspondent in Pennsylvania -- the home state of former Senator and current GOP candidate Rick Santorum -- numerous aspects of the story were misunderstood. The story was meant to cover both Santorum's surge in the Iowa polls and the threat of the sinkhole to Allentown residents. Unfortunately, the information came across as: "A giant stinkhole in Pennsylvania evacuated a surge of Santorum Thursday, putting over 20,000 veterans in their graves." Some of the confusion stemmed from conflicting interpretations of Santorum and a related article we published yesterday.

We are committed to accuracy in our reporting and have therefore deleted the misprinted story from today's post. Interestingly, other congresspeople in neighboring states wrote to tell us that they found no apparent errors in the original post.

(c) 2011. See disclaimers.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Romney Clinches Lead in Polls as Iowa Voters Express Disgust at Reports of Santorum Surging Across State

DES MOINES, Iowa (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- With the caucuses poised to dominate political media next week, Republican presidential contenders have planned aggressive campaign schedules throughout Iowa. According to polls, the top three candidates are current GOP front-runner Mitt Romney, Indieliberepublicrat Ron Paul and former Senator Rick Santorum, who has spent the last three months raising money for a comprehensive study to determine whether he actually exists or is merely the imagination of himself. Yet somehow, Santorum has trickled out from behind to reemerge as a formidable threat. Analysts say it's because he resolutely upholds issues important to conservative Christians, a significant demographic in Iowa. But Santorum's rise in the polls could be jeopardized by Thursday's news that Iowans under the age of 40 have refused to vote for any candidate, denouncing the tone of the elections as "disgusting and inappropriate." They cited as reasons Romney's obsession with gay television icons, Gingrich's fudge fixation and the bizarre elation over Santorum surging across the state.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Behavioral Scientists Find Dangerous Link Between Alcohol, Holiday Meals with Family and Compulsive Need to Air Grievances

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Nutritionists have long known that the traditional holiday dinner makes up one of the healthiest mixes of proteins, vegetables, grains, starches and fruits when the proper levels of portion control are exercised. They also tout the moderate consumption of red wine as a "heart healthy" source of antioxidants and good cholesterol. But a new study finds that the combination of the two, exacerbated by the increased rush of adrenaline from elaborate holiday gatherings with family, can create dangerous levels of stress, depression and even violence, typically ending in tears, alienation and words that can never be taken back.

Monday, December 26, 2011

North Pole Offices Flooded with Complaints from Angry Children Who Received Video Games Instead of Two Front Teeth

ANCHORAGE, Alaska (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Postal workers at the North Pole were inundated today by millions of letters from children who received video game systems, smart phones, tablets and other "in-demand" items instead of the two front teeth they requested. "I've been good all year," ten-year-old Barrett Nostrom of Sweden lisped, "why didn't Santa bring me my teeth? We have no use for this Xbox 360 machine on the farm. I opened it, and there were no Xs inside the box. I tried to use it as a doorstop for the goat pen, but the animals ate it right away. Cheap and worthless thing. But the equally misleading Apple device we got last year, which contained no fruit, did hold out much longer. Mother says it's the smoothest ironing board she's ever used."

Friday, December 23, 2011

Area Homemaker Pressured to Confess Christmas Fruitcake Not World Famous

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- To Bennington Vale locals, homemaker Emmeline Kuchenkoch needs no introduction. Not only is she one of San Narciso's most sought-after bakers, she also happens to be the mother-in-law of GOP White House contender and area resident, F. Chester Greene. Chances are, if you've dined at Piers Addleson's Pea House and ordered a cake, the heady Linzer Torte or the bemusing marzipan characters inspired by the Passion of Christ, then you've sampled Kuchenkoch's wares. The Addleson family has been reselling her delicacies for over 40 years in their restaurant. But scandal rocked San Narciso County Friday when F. Chester Greene's political opponents discovered damaging information that pressured Emmeline Kuchenkoch to confess: "My Christmas fruitcake is not actually world famous."

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Santa Claus Admits He No Longer Believes Children Exist

But does Santa believe in you?
NORTH POLE (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript)-- With just three days remaining until his annual goodwill mission, Santa Claus admitted Wednesday that for almost two hundred years he's harbored growing doubts about the existence of children. St. Nick opened this morning's global press briefing on a surprisingly somber note, offering reporters a rare glimpse into the philosophical and spiritual conflicts that have troubled his soul since the end of the 1950s, when he first recognized his budding crisis of faith. Kris Kringle said: "I've been reluctant to talk about this, but I feel the time is right. A lot of dubious claims have been made, creating myths that just can't be justified in my mind. I've tried to rationalize them for years, but I can't continue living in a delusion." He then revealed that, among other things, no postal agency has ever delivered a single piece of mail to the North Pole.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Murdoch's News International Unveils Christmas Treat for Children Hoping to Get Messages to Santa

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Rupert Murdoch's News International paid restitutions to seven more prominent figures in the wake of the phone hacking scandal that brought down the News of the World tabloid. In a statement released Tuesday, the company said it had settled claims brought by Princess Diana's former lover James Hewitt, lawmaker Mark Oaten, model Abi Titmuss, theatrical agent Michelle Milburn, television personalities Ukrika Jonsson and Calum Best, and Paul Dadge, who helped rescue victims during the 2005 terrorist bombings in London. The scandal erupted after authorities discovered that journalists and private investigators on the Murdoch payroll had routinely hacked into the phones of celebrities, politicians, professional athletes and crime victims. Struggling to recover profits, confidence in leadership and public trust, CEO Rupert Murdoch announced today that his media empire would be giving back to society with a special holiday gift for the children of the world.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Christmas Parade Ends in Rioting and Accusations of Racism

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- What was meant to be a cheery holiday celebration quickly turned to disaster as Bennington Vale’s annual Christmas Parade spiralled into an abyss of injuries and rioting, reminiscent of the week-long Walmart closure in May due to rennovations. Although city officials continue to investigate the causes of the problem, the key catalysts seemed to be the inadequate disposal of medical needles, misprinted signage and the misunderstood presence of San Narciso’s “Holiday Man.”

Sunday, December 18, 2011

After Prolonged Kim Jong Illness, North Korea's Dictator Has Died

PYONGYANG, North Korea (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- After a prolonged Kim Jong illness, North Korea's dictator died Monday of heart failure, according to the country's state-run media. He was believed to have suffered a serious stroke in 2008 and had become more reclusive as a result of the international community remarking on his frail demeanor. Recently, South Korean journalists who regularly monitor the situation in the North also described Pyongyang as operating under intense pressure to relieve problems that could upset the stability of its leadership: "North Korea and its people have been suffering under a terrible il-ness for many decades. Everybody living there has been infected with il-ness. But now the il-ness has passed." Domestic servants discovered Kim's body just hours after he retired to his palace study, where he donned a feather boa and ordered his aides to re-enact the film "Purple Rain" in their pajamas. Kim was 69.

Initial reports of Kim's death caused confusion among entertainers Mariah Carey and Charlie Sheen who had been invited to perform in the capital's royal theater. Carey frantically began posting on her Twitter account: "OMG, they just said Little Kim died in North Korea." When reporters corrected Carey by pointing out that Kim Jong-il -- a minuscule but tyrannical autocrat -- controlled North Korea and not Li’l Kim -- the popular American rapper -- Carey appeared visibly shaken and confused. When asked for his comments, Charlie Sheen claimed that he invented the schwa and said that his urine is made of stardust from Betelgeuse.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Remembering Christopher Hitchens, Seriously

EDITORIAL (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Christopher Hitchens, a British born journalist and intellectual atheist, died Thursday of complications with esophageal cancer. He was 62. Of Hitchens, Vanity Fair wrote that he was an "incomparable critic, masterful rhetorician, fiery wit, and fearless bon vivant." Not only was Hitchens a passionate and acerbic journalist, he was a true war correspondent, often visiting the world's most dangerous places and not merely writing about them from the serenity of his office. He wasn't always accurate, he wasn't always agreeable, but his literary gifts and dedication to pointing out what he considered to be the truth were immeasurably important. Journalism for Hitchens wasn't a disguised marketing vehicle for corporations with deep ties to politics; he maintained the core values one often attributes to the art. Along the way, he carved out a reputation for barbed repartee, scathing critiques of public figures, and a fierce mind for reason.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Norwegian Teen Diagnosed with PTSD after Traumatic Tour of St. Nicholas' Tomb

LILLEHAMMER, Norway (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Eager to celebrate the traditional festival of Saint Nicholas Day -- a largely European holiday that falls on December 6 -- Jurgen Enttauschungsohn, a teen-aged Santa Claus enthusiast, traveled from his home in Norway to the saint's birthplace in Turkey. "I's wanteds to honors the Christmas Mans in a deeply personals experience," Enttauschungsohn said. "I's hads no ideas whats was in stores for me. I wills nevers be the sames again." Workers at the historic preservation site told authorities that Enttauschungsohn collapsed and went into immediate shock at the conclusion of his tour. He is now recovering back home in Norway under medical supervision.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Annual Bennington Vale Christmas Parade Announcement

SAN NARCISO COUNTY PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT -- The Annual Bennington Vale Christmas Parade is scheduled for Saturday, December 17, 2011. Sidewalks CANNOT be reserved with personal property, which includes unattended children and the elderly, until 5:00 p.m. or 5:30 p.m. if center medians are used. The parade route spans Maxwell Street, Cape Horn Avenue and Tragic Courier’s Way, ending at Lake Inverarity’s Fangoso Lagoons. The estimated duration of the event is three hours. The placement of personal items along the parade route -- including your children, pets or virtually incapacitated senior citizens -- has in the past created pedestrian and motor vehicle traffic issues, in addition to numerous problems for local businesses. In an effort to prevent accidents or injuries, and in accordance with the Americans with Disabilities Act, personal property or family members serving as human placeholders along the parade route prior to the street closures will be confiscated at the discretion of the San Narciso Police Department and taken to the Heritage Heights Library for pick-up after the event. Please note that all costs incurred from the caring of and cleaning up after your children or elderly will be cited back to you by the City.

The public is also reminded that the law strictly prohibits the following activities on City property, and appropriate action will be taken against anyone in violation. Please observe these rules during the event.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Jerry Sandusky's Reply to Brett Favre's Twitter Post May Incriminate Him in Molestation Case

BELLEFONTE, Pa. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Jerry Sandusky, the former Penn State assistant football coach charged with over 50 criminal counts of sexual abuse against children, appeared in court Tuesday and then waived his right to a preliminary hearing. In doing so, Sandusky avoided a dramatic confrontation with the 11 witnesses present, which included a number of his alleged victims. Gasps could be heard throughout the courtroom when the judge announced the waiver. Some legal insiders interpreted Sandusky's decision as a sign that he might be considering a plea deal, even though the 67-year-old coach has maintained his innocence throughout the investigation. Deputy Attorney General Marc Costanzo said the waiver "helps the prosecution in a lot of ways," and that Sandusky's alleged victims would not have to testify twice in the case. But in an unlikely turn of events, a Twitter post from famed quarterback Brett Favre -- and Sandusky's rash response to it -- may have given the prosecution all the ammunition it needs to secure a conviction.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Lunar Scientist Explains Impossible Congressional Sight Following Saturday's Eclipse

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Saturday's lunar eclipse offered spectators the chance to witness a strange sight traditionally thought impossible. The unusual effect is known by astronomers as a "selenelion" and occurs when both the sun and eclipsed moon can be observed at the same time. However, celestial geometry dictates that this can't happen. The unique spectacle wowed people across the planet, although it paled in comparison to the even stranger but equally improbable announcement the next day by Republican leader Mitch McConnell, who told "Fox News Sunday" that Congress will somehow reach a bi-partisan agreement to renew the popular payroll tax cuts set to expire at the end of this month. As puzzled political analysts struggled to make sense of McConnell's statement, astronomer Parke Kunkle stepped in to explain how the same forces behind the selenelion were at play in Congress.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Rick Perry's Underaged Male Traveling Companion Shot Dead in Georgia Convenience Store

MACON, Ga. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- White House hopeful Rick Perry might not know how many branches of government there are, the national voting age, the number of U.S. states, the average quantity of toes on an Asian child, or how many Supreme Court Justices occupy the bench, but he knows that a secret cabal of gay-loving government Illuminati are killing prayer in school and open celebrations of Christmas by allowing homosexuals to serve in the military. "This administration's war on traditional American values must stop," Perry wrote in a statement issued to the press. "President Obama has again mistaken America's tolerance for different lifestyles with an endorsement of those lifestyles. I will not make that mistake. I'm gonna end this war. And the fastest way to stop an enemy is to take out its soldiers -- gays in the armed forces, in this case."

Thursday, December 8, 2011

American Airlines Now Cites Safety and Health Concerns for Booting Alec Baldwin From Flight

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Alec Baldwin's feud with American Airlines began on Tuesday when the carrier's representatives claim the "30 Rock" star refused to turn off his electronic device after the cabin doors closed. Using his Twitter account, Baldwin immediately wrote: "Flight attendant on American reamed me out 4 playing WORDS W FRIENDS while we sat at the gate, not moving. #nowonderamericaairisbankrupt." American Airlines' personnel countered by posting their version of events on Facebook. They said Baldwin fled to the plane's lavatory with his smart phone, slamming the door "so hard the cockpit crew heard it and became alarmed, even with the cockpit door closed and locked." The Facebook account also described Baldwin as rude, offensive and prone to calling the crew inappropriate names. Thursday, however, officials from American Airlines said the Facebook post failed to adequately address the serious safety concerns and health violations posed by Alec Baldwin.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Heartless Banker Potter Saves Bedford Falls from Subprime Lender George Bailey

BEDFORD FALLS, N.Y. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- With the holiday shopping season in full swing, Americans are refocusing their attention on the embattled economy. The news has been neither surprising nor welcoming. Regulators seized 157 banks in 2010, the most in any year since the savings and loan crisis two decades ago. Those failures cost nearly $23 billion. Two more financial institutions were closed in November by federal regulators, bringing the total number of U.S. failed banks this year to 90, the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation said. More shocking, however, was the announcement that officials had seized the assets of and shuttered the famed Bailey Savings and Loan in Bedford Falls on Tuesday.

Representatives from the FDIC said the example of George Bailey -- the kind-hearted and altruistic proprietor of Bailey Savings and Loan -- provides glaring proof of how good intentions so often pave the way to Hell.

Monday, December 5, 2011

More Troubles for Herman Cain as FOX Television Cancels Biopic

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Sharon Bialek, the first of many women to go public with accusations of sexual harassment against Herman Cain, called the former presidential candidate’s drop from the race a “vindication.” Cain announced that he was suspending his campaign last week after another woman came forward with allegations of a long-term extramarital affair in which she was the mistress. Political analysts from all sides have been left to speculate whether Cain will resume his bid or give another candidate, potentially Newt Gingrich, his endorsement. Pundit Ferrel Michaels opined: “Cain’s support of Gingrich could really solidify votes from conservative Christian adulterers, who would otherwise have no place to turn. Cain has enough hate in his heart to be a good evangelical, but his ethnicity has long posed problems for this particular group. Certainly, though, his experience as a serial cheater may help push Gingrich loyalists past their racism.”

Friday, December 2, 2011

Letter to the Editor: Thanks Congress for Killing the Dangerous Payroll Tax Cut Program and Saving America

By Clayton Chiclitz, Yoyodyne CEO

Dear Republican Congresspeople,

It is with indescribable joy and relief that I write to thank you for preserving the America I have worked so hard to advance, by striking down the president’s wholly misguided, deplorable and dangerous payroll tax relief program. Not only were these meatier paychecks creating a detrimental sense of entitlement among our workers, the options presented to Congress amounted to nothing short of liberal strong-arm tactics. Extortion! The way I see it, you had two choices: one, let these ridiculous cuts expire and restore (not raise, mind you) the $1,000 in revenues you lost this year per each American family; or two, extend and even expand the cuts for over 160 million people to the mournful tune of $1,500 per household. You chose option A. You made the right business decision.

American Airlines Denies Killing Passenger with Horrible Food

MIAMI, Fla. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The embattled operators of American Airlines, who recently filed for bankruptcy, now face a lawsuit from the family of a passenger who died of a heart attack aboard one of their flights earlier this year. Relatives of Othon Cortes, the victim, accused the carrier of allowing Cortes to board a connecting flight to Miami from JFK International while visibly ill. They blamed food poisoning for his condition. According to the lawsuit, Cortes died on May 18 after eating a meal during the Barcelona-to-New York leg of his trip. The complaint further alleged negligence on the part of American Airlines for failing to provide medical attention and waiting too long to perform an emergency landing.

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