Sunday, December 18, 2011
After Prolonged Kim Jong Illness, North Korea's Dictator Has Died
Initial reports of Kim's death caused confusion among entertainers Mariah Carey and Charlie Sheen who had been invited to perform in the capital's royal theater. Carey frantically began posting on her Twitter account: "OMG, they just said Little Kim died in North Korea." When reporters corrected Carey by pointing out that Kim Jong-il -- a minuscule but tyrannical autocrat -- controlled North Korea and not Li’l Kim -- the popular American rapper -- Carey appeared visibly shaken and confused. When asked for his comments, Charlie Sheen claimed that he invented the schwa and said that his urine is made of stardust from Betelgeuse.
Vice President Joe Biden approached the news of Kim's death diplomatically and with reservation, reminding his peers of the potential volatility of the situation: "It only takes one snowball to cause an avalanche. Hell, it only took one sperm to create Dick Cheney, even though hundreds of machines are required to keep him alive. Point is, Kim's passing must be met with caution; his sons are nuttier than him. But the good news is that Iran just called to tell us that they were cutting their losses and preparing to surrender."
Kim Jong-il was a masterful authoritarian who had convinced a nation of malnourished and undereducated people that he was divine. He had a particular lust for Western culture, arts and entertainment, although he publicly condemned these luxuries in front of his followers.
An autopsy was performed on December 18, confirming the Dear Leader's death by heart failure. Doctors said that Kim's diet -- rich with cognac, cigars and gourmet food -- contributed to the problem. The typical North Korean diet consists of tree bark, loose soil and sometimes rice. The long-term consumption of rich meats, dairy products and exotic produce likely ruined Kim Jong-il's system, according to the emaciated doctors who were allowed to address outside reporters. "It was a sacrifice the Dear Leader made for the people," they said. "To become powerful, we needed all the tree bark and dirt we could get."
Members of South Korea's intelligence community found that Kim Jong-il's policy of incrementally eliminating food for his citizens -- a move to help pay for war machines and nuclear weapons -- had yielded unexpected benefits for the world's littlest despot.
U.S. State Department spokesman Philip Crowley said: "According to the reports from Seoul, when the North Korean people chew on bark and dirt -- their primary sources of sustenance during the Kim Jong-il regime -- they end up separating the uranium from the soil with their saliva, which accelerated the process of enriching it to weapons-grade. Now, however, they've lost their leader. In all likelihood, they'll revert to eating cooked meats, fish, vegetables and other nutrients that will not yield weapons-grade uranium. That's good news for us."
Meanwhile, in the United States, Republicans used news of Kim Jong-il's death as a vehicle for criticizing President Obama. GOP hopeful Mitt Romney said: "Look at the international death toll under this president: Osama bin Laden, Gaddafi and now Kim Jong-il. Is this what American voters want? A man responsible for the deaths of other world leaders -- rulers of sovereign countries? But in Iraq, a lawless frontier overrun by terrorist threats, he's drawing down all the troops. If you ask me, President Obama should be investigated for war crimes."
(c) 2011. See disclaimers.