Monday, December 5, 2011

More Troubles for Herman Cain as FOX Television Cancels Biopic

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Sharon Bialek, the first of many women to go public with accusations of sexual harassment against Herman Cain, called the former presidential candidate’s drop from the race a “vindication.” Cain announced that he was suspending his campaign last week after another woman came forward with allegations of a long-term extramarital affair in which she was the mistress. Political analysts from all sides have been left to speculate whether Cain will resume his bid or give another candidate, potentially Newt Gingrich, his endorsement. Pundit Ferrel Michaels opined: “Cain’s support of Gingrich could really solidify votes from conservative Christian adulterers, who would otherwise have no place to turn. Cain has enough hate in his heart to be a good evangelical, but his ethnicity has long posed problems for this particular group. Certainly, though, his experience as a serial cheater may help push Gingrich loyalists past their racism.”

Michaels believes that message of racial tolerance would dovetail nicely with Newt’s immigration amnesty plans, while allowing for a more concentrated attack on gays, something he feels would resound with the Gingrich audience.

If that were to happen, according to Michaels, it would also effectively destroy Rick Santorum’s campaign.

Michaels explained: “Santorum would no longer have a platform to run on. All he’s got is homophobia and intimations of bestiality. Strategically, it’s all good news for Gingrich, although none of the outcomes really benefit Herman Cain.”

Further troubling the former CEO of Godfather’s Pizza was the decision Monday by FOX Broadcasting Company to halt production of a dramatization based on his life.

In a prepared statement, FOX representatives said that after screening several dailies for agents of the FCC, on their orders, they determined that the Cain film would not pass muster with censors: “The production, tentatively titled ‘Meat Lovers: 30 Minutes or Less,’ too narrowly focused on a virile pizzeria owner’s attempts to comfort struggling housewives. In the movie, the protagonist -- a sort of culinary Robin Hood -- stuffs the pantries of overwhelmed and economically depressed homemakers with his Meat Lovers Pie, Big Sausage Hero, Footlong Manwich and Dough Poles in exchange for their friendship and attention.”

Later in the film, the character parlays his success to the vaunted position of head of the Pizzeria Operators Organization Nationwide (POON). There, he oversees a small empire of pizzerias as a central governing figure in the organization. Adorned in wide-brimmed floppy hats and garish fur coats, he becomes informally known as “Big Daddy Pie Man.” The rest of the story chronicles Cain’s efforts to reform wayward waifs by taking them in, teaching them the prized but elusive art of “tapping the Godfather’s secret sauce,” and then “pushing their pies in the faces of salivating men across the city.” The filmmakers depict Cain as a corporate Santa Claus, handing each girl a wad of cash from the profits they bring back at the end of each night.

“It’s back-breaking business, working these streets,” the Cain character tells one of his girls. “Delivering your goods, getting in and out every 30 minutes. That’s why I treat you right. That’s why Big Daddy always got a big wad for his dough-hos.”

FOX had hoped to leverage the movie as a way to boost support for Herman Cain’s candidacy. Unfortunately, the FCC couldn’t tell if “they were presenting a biopic or a vulgar reboot of 70’s era porn, which is unsuitable for even ‘Family Guy’ viewers.”

(c) 2011. See disclaimers.

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