Thursday, December 29, 2011

Romney Clinches Lead in Polls as Iowa Voters Express Disgust at Reports of Santorum Surging Across State

DES MOINES, Iowa (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- With the caucuses poised to dominate political media next week, Republican presidential contenders have planned aggressive campaign schedules throughout Iowa. According to polls, the top three candidates are current GOP front-runner Mitt Romney, Indieliberepublicrat Ron Paul and former Senator Rick Santorum, who has spent the last three months raising money for a comprehensive study to determine whether he actually exists or is merely the imagination of himself. Yet somehow, Santorum has trickled out from behind to reemerge as a formidable threat. Analysts say it's because he resolutely upholds issues important to conservative Christians, a significant demographic in Iowa. But Santorum's rise in the polls could be jeopardized by Thursday's news that Iowans under the age of 40 have refused to vote for any candidate, denouncing the tone of the elections as "disgusting and inappropriate." They cited as reasons Romney's obsession with gay television icons, Gingrich's fudge fixation and the bizarre elation over Santorum surging across the state.

Iowa Senator Chuck Grassley said: "I'm completely confounded by the reaction of our young constituents. Whenever we tell them the good news -- that Santorum is surging -- they become physically ill. I've witnessed vomiting, heaving, offended stares and even anxiety attacks. Bad ones, like the kind you see when an Amish woman comes across a beardless man. But what's stranger is that these kids admit to having no idea who Rick is. For as Internet savvy as they claim to be, their ignorance is stunning. All they have to do is Google 'santorum.'"

Religious conservatives -- a traditionally powerful voting bloc in Iowa -- have intimated that Santorum could become an unstoppable force in the caucuses. "There's a level of righteous hate and sincere xenophobia about Rick that his peers just don't exhibit," noted political pundit Ferrel Michaels.

Santorum has staunchly opposed gay marriage, abortion, women's rights, bestiality, individual privacy rights in the bedroom, allowing gay troops to serve openly in the military, shellfish, working on Sundays, and liberal policies that favor outsourcing and immigration. Of the latter, Santorum illustrated his views on reform by quoting a passage from Leviticus: "'Your male and female slaves are to come from the nations around you; from them you may buy slaves.' But my opponents are outsourcing to countries beyond the terms of NAFTA, and that's just un-American."

Santorum even received the endorsement of one of Iowa's top Christian leaders, Bob Vander Plaats of The Family Leader group. But young Hawkeyes continue to express outrage and indignation over praise for Santorum, further mystifying their elders by refusing to acknowledge Santorum as an actual person.

"We're not a liberal group, even though we're young," explained Nelson Saltzweiss, spokesman for the Iowa Youth Voter League (IYVL). "We still take comfort in a fairly homophobic mindset here. But all this talk of Santorum is outright wrong; it's totally gross. Don't these people know what Santorum is? They keep telling us to support Santorum, to get our hands dirty by spreading the message of Santorum, and to embrace Santorum as a byproduct of Christ. It makes me retch just thinking about it. I'm pretty sure the Bible has nothing positive to say about anal discharge from gay sex acts."

Saltzweiss also said that Mitt Romney alienated himself from conservative young voters by referencing an episode of "I Love Lucy" to insult his opponent, Newt Gingrich. Saltzweiss said: "Romney knows way too much about gay pop culture if he's making Lucille Ball references."

Newt Gringrich, who had risen in popularity during the Herman Cain scandal, also slipped in the polls this week after highlighting his experience, which caused voters to remember all the horrendous things he had done in his life and dredged up recollections of his serial marriages, divorcing his cancer-stricken wife, his infidelities, his mutable religious beliefs, his congressional ethics violations and countless other moral discrepancies.

Representatives from the IYVL described their last straw as Gingrich appearing at a local chocolate factory and challenging Romney to a debate by asking him to "have the courage to come over here and taste my fudge."

"It's a slippery slope those two are on," Saltzweiss said. "Next thing, they'll be hiring the cast of 'Will and Grace' or 'Glee' to speak at their fundraising mixers."

But to Saltzweiss, no slope remains as slippery or vile as the one traveled by Iowans who continue to promote Santorum. Fortunately, during a meeting with the IYVL this afternoon, Ron Paul figured out the confusion and clarified for Saltzweiss that the term "santorum" was inspired by the Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum -- a real human being.

Laughing at himself in front of reporters, Salzweiss said: "I suppose that makes sense. But it seems funny to me that Ron Paul is being called number two when you have a guy named Santorum in the race."

The quick-witted Paul, not skipping a beat, replied: "If you consider three a watered-down, strained, inferior version of number two, then it makes perfect sense to call Santorum a number three."

(c) 2011. See disclaimers.