Friday, July 29, 2011

China Places “Historic Property For Rent” Ad on Craigslist

Jitters Over Debt Default May Have Provoked China’s Desperate Plan B

BEIJING, China. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- As any landlord showing signs of frustration with deadbeat tenants, the People’s Bank of China in Beijing placed a series of “US For Rent” ads across international Craigslist sites. The listings first came to U.S. attention when 2012 White House hopeful Rick Santorum stumbled upon them. Santorum, who regularly spends hours a day policing Internet sites around the world for smut, said, “It’s all part of my anti-pornography work, hunting down and reporting deviant sex sites on the Web. Craigslist is usually a bonanza.”

It was during one of these late night missions on Thursday that Santorum came across an ad from Beijing, posted by the People’s Bank of China which was attempting to let a “Roomy Historic Fixer-Upper in FANTASTIC Neighborhood!”

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Boehner, Cantor and McConnell Detained by Capitol Police for Skipping Out on Lunch Bill

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Three of the most influential Congressional Republicans were detained by Capitol Police Thursday after leaving the Yetenbi Ethiopian Restaurant on 9th Street without tendering a tip or even paying the tab. Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.), House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Va.) and Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) -- all pivotal figures in the contested budget debate -- allegedly “ordered enough food to sustain an Ethiopian family for two years” before getting into an argument with the eatery’s management about the amount of the check. After, the trio casually strolled away with the unpaid bill in their hands. Boehner, according to witnesses, picked something out of his teeth, wrapped the soiled toothpick in the bill and then tossed it at the door of the restaurant, leaving behind a curried fart that elicited schoolyard giggles from McConnell and Cantor. Police were summoned immediately.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

GOP Says If Obama Invokes Fourteenth Amendment, They’ll Invoke Three-Fifths Compromise

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- What rough beast, its hour come round at last, slouches towards Washington to be born? It’s not the Antichrist that haunted the nightmares of Yeats, it’s the August 2 debt default deadline. And with the whole of Congress at an impasse, not to mention conflicting budget proposals in stalemate, House Democratic leaders emerged from a Caucus on Wednesday to urge President Obama to invoke the Fourteenth Amendment. Section 4 of the Fourteenth Amendment states: “The validity of the public debt of the United States, authorized by law, including debts incurred for payments of pensions and bounties for services in suppressing insurrection or rebellion, shall not be questioned.” Essentially, Democrats are arguing that since the “public debt” can’t be questioned, then the debt ceiling itself becomes unconstitutional. Former President Bill Clinton said he would have invoked that option “without hesitation” and left it “to the courts to figure it out.” Clinton previously utilized a similar legal maneuver when he made the courts redefine the mechanics of human sexual congress and the nature of the verb “is.”

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Moody’s Downgrades Greece’s Credit Rating -- Greeks Appeal by Sending Exquisite Horse Statue as Gift

NEW YORK, N.Y. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Jean-Claude Trichet, president of the European Central Bank, said the ECB would not be able to accept Greek bonds as collateral if Greece has its debt rated as default. Trichet added that “the governments would have to take care the Eurosystem is presented with collateral that it could accept.” However, after discovering that the latest bail out plan announced last week would require private sector debt holders to accept losses, Moody’s again downgraded the financially embattled country’s credit rating to one notch above default. Previously, Moody’s had ranked Greece as Caa1, which falls well within the category of junk bonds.

Monday, July 25, 2011

GOP Offers Ransom for Approval of Harry Reid’s GOP-friendly Debt Ceiling Plan

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Senate Democrats on Monday presented a $2.7 trillion deficit reduction plan, crafted by Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV), which includes deep spending cuts, no tax increases and a host of savings that Republican leaders have already endorsed. The plan immediately raises the debt ceiling to authorize the Treasury to pay the United States’ obligations through the end of 2012. It also establishes a bipartisan committee to direct future deficit reductions -- admittedly a threat to entitlement programs -- and guarantees a Congressional vote on its recommendations. To further sweeten the pot, in a brazen gambit tentatively endorsed by the White House, Reid’s draft also proposed “the removal of child labor protections, legal recognition of English as the national language, the repeal of the Nineteenth Amendment, the shuttering of all Planned Parenthood clinics, mandatory gun ownership for every American household, the teaching of Intelligent Design, no government health care regulation, exclusive and perpetual copyrights on the King James Bible, relocation of the nation’s Capitol to Texas and the privatization of the U.S. Supreme Court.”

“I dare Republicans to reject this,” Reid added. They did.

Friday, July 22, 2011

San Narciso’s The Tank Players Announce Two New Musicals for Summer

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The Tank Players announced Friday the scheduling of two new original productions, which have been in the works since February. The musical plays, which will run through September 2 at the Buffum Plaza Arts Center in Santa Calcetines, promise San Narciso’s theater patrons the same innovative, experimental and somewhat surreal performances they have come to expect from director Randolph Driblette and his troupe. “Both productions are, of course, re-imaginings of other well-established storylines, which is our forte,” Driblette said. “We do not invent, we reinvent and reevaluate and pervert the superficial to get to the unintended truth of the thing. Like T.S. Eliot, The Tank Players believe that the human mind cannot conceive of so many original thoughts. Therefore, we connect nothing with nothing until we strip away the opinions, leaving only atoms and empty space.”

The first play takes as its basis the long-running British science fiction series “Doctor Who.” In The Tank Players’ “Jigga Who,” a time-traveling gangster who refers to himself only as “The Jigga” journeys across the universe, other dimensions and history itself to duel hostile aliens through foul-mouthed and sexually explicit rap battles. The second feature is based entirely on the Disneyland attraction “It’s a Small World.” In Driblette’s retelling, audience members see not the ideal, sanitized world of Walt Disney, but the globe divided and fractured through tumultuous geopolitics. Every song in the musical, Driblette verified, is “It’s a Small World,” performed in different musical stylings for three hours.

Details regarding show times and tickets can be found in the Community Events Calendar. A full synopsis and review of each play will be posted next week.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Republican Presidential Debate on Twitter a Dud, Tea Party Voters Away at Early Bird Specials or Napping

SAN NARCISO, Calif.. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Six Republican hopefuls for the 2012 presidency took to Twitter on Thursday to summarize how they will tackle employment rates, government debt, foreign policy and a slew of other issues in 140 characters or less. The event was sponsored by conservative Tea Party groups. Twitter’s text limitations forced the otherwise verbose candidates to say nothing in even fewer words. “With Twitter, candidates really can cut through all the fluff and get right to the heart of their messages,” said Janus Heuchler, director of San Narciso’s Poeslaw Institute for Social Research and Development (PISRAD). “A person doesn’t need to talk for minutes on end just to say, ‘Poor people are lazy and evil,’ or, ‘Brown people frighten me.’”

Al Qaeda Develops Disney-like Recruitment Cartoons, TSA Implements Mandatory Juvenile Cavity Searches

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- An al-Qaeda affiliate called Abu al-Laith al-Yemen announced on Thursday that it plans to develop a series of recruiting cartoons aimed at children, using Disney-style animation. One of the proposed short films depicts young boys dressed in battle fatigues who participate in raids, killings and terror plots against talking pigs, a Qur’an-burning storyteller from the American South, and a German business man who is turned into a horrible monster for shipping mail order pornography to Osama bin Laden. Counter-terrorism experts believe al-Qaeda chose the Disney style for its appeal to children worldwide and its obvious anti-Semitism, which they called a “shared value.”

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Karl Rove Forms "Apology Task Force" to Assist Rupert Murdoch

WASHINGTON, D.C (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On July 19, media mogul Rupert Murdoch began his testimony to members of Parliament with an apology: “This is the most humble day of my career.” He then admitted to making his “share of mistakes.” The proceedings, more than revealing substantive evidence of crimes throughout Murdoch’s empire, were dominated by different flavors of apologies. Murdoch said he and his son James were sorry “for what has happened -- especially with regard to listening to the voicemail of victims of crime.”

He specifically referenced slain 13-year-old Milly Dowler. News of The World staff allegedly hacked into her cell phone in 2002, even erasing some of the voicemail messages they accessed. “At no time do I remember being as sickened as when I heard what the Dowler family had to endure,” Murdoch testified in a statement released to the public. “I would like all the victims of phone hacking to know how completely and deeply sorry I am ... Apologizing cannot take back what has happened. Still, I want them to know the depth of my regret for the horrible invasions into their lives.”

If Murdoch’s toneless and rehearsed apologies weren’t enough, Karl Rove has inexplicably assembled a “GOP apology task force” to tell the rest of the world “sorry” on Murdoch’s behalf.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Rupert Murdoch Apology Letter Leaked on MySpace

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- With News Corp shares plummeting and testimonies commencing before British Parliament, Rupert Murdoch has been working on a rare apology letter, the first draft of which has been leaked across the Internet. However, researchers for The Bennington Vale Evening Transcript located what they believe to be the original copy that Murdoch posted on his MySpace page.

Murdoch purchased the social networking site in 2005, unwittingly believing MySpace would help News Corp control the Internet. He now posts private correspondence there, understanding that “it’s the least likely place Web surfers will look for anything.” And despite receiving an odd phone call from Australia urging us not to print the letter, made even stranger by the fact that our editorial staff had just discussed the idea on an internal conference call, the transcript follows. A copy of the actual letter may be accessed here.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Death of Reporter Who Broke Illegal Phone Hacking Scandal Not Suspicious Say News Corp Papers

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The phone hacking scandal involving Rupert Murdoch’s News Corporation brought down another high-profile figure in the United Kingdom on Monday when the assistant commissioner of London’s Metropolitan Police hastily resigned. His departure came one day after Rebekah Brooks, the former chief executive of News International, was arrested on suspicion of illicitly intercepting phone messages and bribing police officials for their complicity in the events. Across the pond in the United States, the FBI and the U.S. Justice Department have also launched preliminary investigations into reports that News Corp reporters may have tried to hack the phones of 9/11 victims. Further complicating matters and raising fresh concerns was Monday’s death of Sean Hoare, the News of the World journalist turned whistleblower who first broke the story to one of the handful of newspapers in the world not owned by Murdoch.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Expert Lip Reader Nancy Grace Can’t Tell What Bill Murray Whispered in “Lost in Translation”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- During prosecutor Linda Drane Burdick’s closing remarks at the final moments of the Casey Anthony trial, in which she told the jury that Anthony was trying to pin the death of her daughter Caylee on her father, media observers alleged that Anthony could be seen mouthing either “it’s not his fault” or “because it’s his fault.” HLN host Nancy Grace, who now claims to be an expert lip reader, told her audience that Anthony definitely said, “It’s not his fault.”

Grace has made condemning Casey Anthony the cornerstone her 2011 programming. But when excited representatives from San Narciso’s only cable provider, RJ Fletcher Communications, begged Grace to reveal what Bill Murray whispered in Scarlett Johansson’s ear at the end of “Lost in Translation,” Grace was stumped.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Suspicious Package Detonated by Bomb Squad Contained Kittens

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript)-- As San Narciso’s sapped resources struggle to put the Harold Camping apocalypse mess behind them and prepare for this weekend’s Carmageddon, new troubles arose Thursday as SWAT teams mobilized in Santa Calcetines where a suspicious package was found outside the Gottsgeld Department Store. Alert mall employees discovered the unattended cardboard box on the sidewalk near the main entrance.

“With the elevated terror alert, we didn’t take any chances,” said Ren Williams, SNPD spokesman. “SWAT teams and bomb disposal units were notified right away. For as traumatic as the end result turned out to be -- and I mean, there are some kids with permanent emotional scars -- I believe we made the right decision. You know, better safe than scared.”

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

No Immunity for “Survivor” Producer Ordered to Mexico on Murder Charges

TV Producer Bruce Beresford-Redman Faces Extradition After Voting Wife Off Planet Last Year

MEXICO CITY, Mexico (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In April 2010, Emmy nominated producer Bruce Beresford-Redman was detained as a suspect in the killing of his wife, Monica. According to officials in Cancun, Monica’s body had been found in a sewer at the Moon Palace resort where the family was vacationing.

Bruce Beresford-Redman has remained in jail since November 2010 awaiting a decision on his case. This week, U.S. Magistrate Judge Jacqueline Chooljian determined that enough circumstantial evidence existed to establish probable cause for Beresford-Redman’s involvement in the murder. The United States must send Beresford-Redman to Mexico within 60 days, but he can appeal the ruling, which would extend the process for an indefinite period of time. However, because of the sadistic and twisted circumstances surrounding the murder, experts say an appeal is unlikely to succeed.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Lawyer Accused of Shooting Fellow Hunter Loses “Whittington Cheney Defense” Appeal

PHILADELPHIA, Penn. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- An attorney from Pennsylvania who accidentally shot and killed a fellow hunter in November 2010 was sentenced Friday to 25 years in prison for involuntary manslaughter and gun violations. The 52-year-old victim, Barry Groh, died in Bucks County shortly after calling his wife to tell her that he had bagged a deer. David Manilla, 49, was hunting separately on his own property nearby, when his bullet struck Groh by mistake. Manilla pleaded guilty to the charges. Because he had been convicted of aggravated assault in 1985, state law prohibited him from carrying any firearms. Investigators discovered close to 90 weapons and a bag of ammunition while searching Manilla’s home.

During the trial, Manilla’s attorneys attempted to plead the “Whittington Cheney Defense,”a niche legal maneuver that applies exclusively to shootings involving lawyers, and which also stipulates that the victim apologize to the culprit.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Carmageddon -- San Narciso County's Stressed Resources Prepare for Worst

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- As the county completes its massive clean up efforts in the wake of Harold Camping’s failed Rapture predictions two months ago, Mayor Manny DiPresso again urged residents to resume their normal activities. “You’re not going straight to Heaven right now,” DiPresso told the community. “The best thing to do is pick up the pieces of your shattered hopes, get back to work, and help pay the looting fines you may have incurred. No charges against you will be pressed if you just return the items you stole, or pay the damages.”

Bennington Vale residents, however, continue to press forward with their class action lawsuit against Camping for false advertising. But as the redevelopment programs and mass burials of suicide victims subside, the quaint Southern California community faces a newer and more serious threat: “Carmageddon,” the complete closure of the 405 Freeway this weekend.

Friday, July 8, 2011

With Final Space Shuttle Launch, NASA Cancels World’s Most Expensive and Longest Running Science Fiction Series Since “Doctor Who”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- Space Shuttle Atlantis embarked on its last “voyage” Friday morning. The end of the manned space flight era was seen as a significant win for social conservatives who have been fighting to curb America’s longstanding fascination with science fiction, and return society to more fundamental scientific truths such as intelligent design. The event marked the 135th and final “flight” of the program’s 30 year mission.

Nehemiah Goodman, a theological scientist employed by San Narciso-based Yoyodyne, praised NASA’s decision to retire the shuttle program in February, when Discovery completed its final mission. This afternoon, The Bennington Vale Evening Transcript revisited the situation with Goodman to commemorate the end of what he deemed “decades of expensive theatrics and agnostic pseudo-science.” He added, “Tax payers should no longer have to bear the burden of NASA’s elaborate illusion that space travel is possible.”

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Special Report: Coping with Post Screening Traumatic Stress Disorder (PSTSD) after TSA Pat Downs


SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- With Wednesday’s announcement that the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) would begin implementing what Administrator John Pistole called “a more comprehensive hands-on approach” to airport screenings, doctors with San Narciso County’s Office of Health and Human Services (OHHS) prepared a special report to help victims of physically invasive TSA searches cope with life after the experience. Dr. Hilarus Lustig, chief psychologist for the OHHS, issued the report Thursday, saying that a growing number of Bennington Vale and Santa Calcetines residents have returned from area airports exhibiting symptoms of “Post Screening Traumatic Stress Disorder,” a debilitating condition his team has been studying for the last ten years. County citizens are encouraged to report incidences of PSTSD to the OHHS. Those suffering from the disorder should seek immediate medical attention.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Abreast of New Terror Threat, TSA Announces Augmented Screening for Surgical Implants

Additional Reporting by BC Bass

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- John Pistole, head of the Transportation Security Administration (TSA), has weathered an ongoing storm of public criticism over his agency’s increasingly intrusive and inconvenient screening procedures, which analysts say have done little, if anything, to make travelers safer than they were before September 2001. Parents have complained about invasive imaging systems that display images of their children nude, as well as TSA screeners freely groping young boys and girls in line as part of enhanced “pat down” policies. Pistole defended his agents, explaining that they are all highly trained and trustworthy individuals: “Leaving your child alone in a closed room with an officer while he conducts a thorough cavity search should raise no more alarm than your child visiting a priest’s chambers.” Interestingly, the number of former priests and retired congresspeople hiring on at the TSA has steadily increased over the last three years.

But today, with the government’s warning to air carriers that terrorists could be planning to surgically implant explosives into people to circumvent screening systems, Pistole called on commuters to display more patience and tolerance.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Universal Studios Orlando Sued as 54 Kids Sustain Head Injuries on Wall at Harry Potter Attraction

ORLANDO, Fla. -- As “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2”prepares to unveil the final installment of the boy wizard series to moviegoers on July 15, actor Daniel Radcliffe admitted that he “wept like a child” during the last day of filming. But while the cast and crew of the “Harry Potter” franchise lamented the loss of their supernatural salaries, along with a return to the world of Muggle roles, operators of the Wizarding World of Harry Potter attraction at Universal Studios Orlando spent the weekend crying over a class action lawsuit that could hobble the park’s summer attendance. According to the plaintiffs in the case, over 54 children sustained serious head injuries at the Hogwart’s Express exhibit on Friday.

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