Friday, July 8, 2011

With Final Space Shuttle Launch, NASA Cancels World’s Most Expensive and Longest Running Science Fiction Series Since “Doctor Who”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- Space Shuttle Atlantis embarked on its last “voyage” Friday morning. The end of the manned space flight era was seen as a significant win for social conservatives who have been fighting to curb America’s longstanding fascination with science fiction, and return society to more fundamental scientific truths such as intelligent design. The event marked the 135th and final “flight” of the program’s 30 year mission.

Nehemiah Goodman, a theological scientist employed by San Narciso-based Yoyodyne, praised NASA’s decision to retire the shuttle program in February, when Discovery completed its final mission. This afternoon, The Bennington Vale Evening Transcript revisited the situation with Goodman to commemorate the end of what he deemed “decades of expensive theatrics and agnostic pseudo-science.” He added, “Tax payers should no longer have to bear the burden of NASA’s elaborate illusion that space travel is possible.”

America’s “Most Expensive Television Show”
“You know, it really was,” Goodman told our reporters. “Except for ‘Doctor Who,’ it was probably the longest running sci-fi show on the tube. But as I said in February, I think most reasonable people understand that humans have never actually gone into space -- that everything has been filmed on sound stages. What began as hope generations ago just turned to hoax. And frankly, it’s gotten too expensive to maintain such high production values, even with the advances in computer animation. I also think that the longer you draw out shows about space exploration, the stupider they become. Case in point, George Lucas. Seriously, if we had continued with the program, would we have discovered Jar Jar Binks on Neptune or clunky steam-punk robots from beyond the Milky Way with the power to destroy all sentient life? To its credit, NASA’s not going to put itself in a position to ‘jump the shark’ on this.”

Goodman also reiterated that the introduction of NASA personnel to the contemporary workforce would benefit the government’s attempts to revitalize the nation’s employment figures, particularly in the manufacturing and entertainment sectors.

“Yes, I proposed that in February, and I stand by it today. Instead of constructing fantastic models and machines that essentially do nothing, NASA engineers can translate those skills into building robots for assembly lines or oil pumps, or to design more efficient off-shore drilling equipment.”

Goodman also pointed out that past and present “astronauts” would likely find solid employment opportunities in the private sector as air line pilots or flight attendants. Others, he continued, could capitalize on their acting abilities to land roles on soap operas or sitcoms: “People who for so long claimed to travel among the stars, in the astrological sense, may now have the chance to mingle with real stars, or become stars themselves.”

Goodman finally pointed out that “flight centers” in Texas and Florida would not be dismantled.

“No, I think they’ll keep them around just as the ‘International Space Station,’ which is a warehouse located near a Moscow business complex,” Goodman explained. “I envision them all to be converted into niche cultural centers or sophisticated comic book convention venues. Those people who refuse to conform to the terrestrial limitations of our reality will have a welcoming place to go where they can indulge their science fiction fantasies without feeling like such pariahs.”

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.

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