Thursday, July 14, 2011

Suspicious Package Detonated by Bomb Squad Contained Kittens

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript)-- As San Narciso’s sapped resources struggle to put the Harold Camping apocalypse mess behind them and prepare for this weekend’s Carmageddon, new troubles arose Thursday as SWAT teams mobilized in Santa Calcetines where a suspicious package was found outside the Gottsgeld Department Store. Alert mall employees discovered the unattended cardboard box on the sidewalk near the main entrance.

“With the elevated terror alert, we didn’t take any chances,” said Ren Williams, SNPD spokesman. “SWAT teams and bomb disposal units were notified right away. For as traumatic as the end result turned out to be -- and I mean, there are some kids with permanent emotional scars -- I believe we made the right decision. You know, better safe than scared.”

Perfume Sales Associate Has Nose for Trouble
“Of course, our store is right next door to the security office,” explained Ione Holden, the 18-year-old cosmetics associate who first noticed the suspicious parcel. “I happened to arrive at the same time as Officer Kinkade. He’s in charge of the mall cops. As we were walking up to the building, I noticed somebody had left a box near the front door. I said to myself, ‘I wonder what that could be?’ Unfortunately, I must have said that a little too loud, because Officer Kinkade insisted on going to the door to make sure it was safe. The next thing I know, he was running at me full speed, telling me to get the [expletive deleted] away from the building. I didn’t know what was going on, but it scared the [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] out of my [expletive deleted].”

By noon, nearly every law enforcement officer from the county was engaged in the tense stand-off with the cardboard box. SWAT teams crouched behind armored vehicles in full body armor, with automatic rifles trained on the package. National Guard helicopters circled overhead, and snipers were perched on surrounding rooftops.

By 12:30 p.m., even the Coast Guard had arrived for support, although they were dismissed after an hour when it was determined that an aquatic rescue would not be needed. They nonetheless remained on emergency stand by, awaiting radio orders necessitating their presence.

Lt. Pete Bainsman, the officer overseeing the responding SWAT division, said, “At this juncture we were still trying to determine what the unidentified receptacle could contain. We observed some writing on the outside of the, uh, receptacle that looked like ‘KILL IN’ with a horizontal line connecting the two Ls, and a backward N. I’m not an expert in Arabese [sic], but it appeared to me to be a Taliban code word. At that moment in time, we were forced to call in a 925-TWLHD (Osama bin Laden sighting).”

Communication Failures and Bravado Kill Cuddly Kittens
“I begged them to reevaluate their options,” claimed Chester Molesten, helicopter pilot for RJ Fletcher Communications’ aerial news unit, Archangel. “We could see the box through our binoculars and on-board surveillance systems. It clearly said ‘KITTENS.’ It looked like it was written by a heartbroken little kid, too. I mean, it was in purple crayon. Everything adorably misspelled. But Bainsman, that jackass Kinkade, and the other units on the ground kept brushing me off, telling me to get off my liberal unicorn -- whatever the hell that is -- and berating me for not understanding how the ‘real world’ works.”

By 1:45 p.m., with police units tense and piqued, the bomb squad made the decision to attach four pounds of C4 to the outside of the box. Six minutes later, the package was blown up. Molesten, arriving on scene by foot after setting down the chopper on the Yoyodyne helipad, could only watch and shake his head.

“What upset me the most wasn’t the destruction of the package. I understand the state of the world we live in, and it’s better to be safe than sorry. But when the box exploded, it just started raining kitten parts; tiny little paws, all scorched, and pink bits of brain or something. What were they thinking? It was obvious the box never contained a bomb. One kitten miraculously survived. He was thrown way up in the air and landed on some grass at the other side of the perimeter. I was just thinking about how unlikely it was that this little guy could not only survive such a violent blast but also muster the strength to wobble on over towards me. But then his head exploded. Bainsman plugged him point blank with a service revolver. I couldn’t believe it.”

Lt. Bainsman confirmed the account.

“Yup, got him right between the eyes,” he said with a grin. “After the bomb guys took care of the box, I thought we were all in the clear. But I turned around and observed a juvenile feline approaching my direction at a high rate of speed, so I eliminated the threat. That’ll show those [expletive deleted] Taliban [expletive deleted.]”

Mike Zeitloss, head of the local police union, defended the efforts of the officers involved. “These men are true heroes. They put themselves at huge risk to protect all the real Americans in this town. It makes me sick to listen to these liberal hippies whining about the loss of a bunch of stupid cats. For all we know, this could have been a test run. Without taking decisive action, by this time next week, San Narciso County could’ve been crawling with an infestation of Taliban kittens in suicide vests. Sure, it was hard for all the children to wipe the seared fat and charred fur and kitten gore off their faces, but it’s an important lesson they’ll need to look back on later in life. We should all be thanking those fine boys for taking the action they did.”

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.

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