Thursday, May 31, 2012

Romney Seeks to Build New Nation Called Amercia

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The campaign of Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney released several iPhone apps late Tuesday, with the most notable including a misspelling of "America." The app, which promised "A Better Amercia" through the auspices of Romney's leadership, instantly became an Internet joke. After the hapless typographical error went viral across social media networks, those opposed to Romney's election began capitalizing on the gaffe, with some providing "Amercia the Beautiful" song parodies to mock Romney's frequent singing of "America the Beautiful" along the campaign trail. Another unfortunate irony was that the app appeared on the same day Romney spent fundraising in Las Vegas, Nev., with Donald Trump, who has made American citizenship a fundamental issue in considering the nation's executives. But in a startling statement released Thursday, Romney defended the alternate spelling as intentional and correct.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Tennessee Judge Rules Mosque Permit Invalid; Community Mistook Building for Muslin Facility

NASHVILLE, Tenn. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- A Tennessee judge ruled Tuesday that the Rutherford County planning commission failed to provide lucid and adequate notice to the public in 2010 of a meeting to approve plans for the development of what turned out to be a mosque. As a result, the building permit for the 52,000-square-foot complex in Murfreesboro, Tenn., was invalidated -- even though construction of the Islamic worship center was nearly complete. Attempting to defuse a powder keg of religious and political tension, the judge indicated that much of the issue stemmed from confusion over the nature of the facility: "A good number of folks in the community were under the impression that a muslin community center -- not a Muslim community center -- was being put up. Sort of a museum to honor the early textile industry of the nation. Cotton's a big part of our cultural heritage in the South. It gave us gauze, cheesecloth, airy calico fabrics, and work for the African immigrants we took in."

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Photographer Attacked by Justin Bieber Recovering from Severe Indian Burns and Wet Willies

CALABASAS, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Deputies with the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department are investigating a complaint from a celebrity photographer that 18-year-old pop sensation Justin Bieber "physically battered" him at an outdoor shopping area Sunday near the exclusive Calabasas community where the Canadian-born singer now resides. Entertainment news source TMZ, citing eyewitness accounts, reported that the confrontation arose when the paparazzo attempted to block Bieber from entering his car with his girlfriend, actress Selena Gomez, 19. Police are withholding the identity of Bieber's victim, as well as the extent of his injuries. Many who observed the altercation described the beating administered by Bieber as "degrading," "thuggish," and emotionally traumatic.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Missouri 'Right to Pray' Amendment Could Help Separate Acceptable Religious Practices from Public Disturbances

KANSAS CITY, Mo. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Voters in Missouri will decide on August 7 whether to approve a constitutional amendment that guarantees citizens the right to pray in public places. Although the amendment would have appeared on the November ballot because of a vote to include the measure the previous year, Governor Jay Nixon expedited the process by executing a proclamation Wednesday. The U.S. Constitution already protects the right to pray publicly, but Missourians want to further clarify those rights, citing what they call general ignorance about religious expression. If passed, the amendment would accord students the right to pray in school, but would stop short of compelling them to participate. It would also allow for acts of open prayer so long as those rites cause no disturbance to the peace or disruption to public assemblies.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Romney Calls American Education 'Third-World,' Something He Recognizes From Outsourcing Days at Bain

"I know better than Barack Obama what a third-world education looks like; I've outsourced thousands of jobs to third-world countries." -- Mitt Romney

BOSTON, Mass. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Bain Capital, a private equity and assets management firm co-founded by Mitt Romney, outsourced a staggering number of American jobs to economically depressed countries under Romney's watch. "If you just look at some of the Bain startups, like Sports Authority, Staples, Bright Horizons, the job number you come up with is in excess of 100,000," the Romney campaign boasted during the January 2012 debates. And most of those jobs went to cheap labor in foreign markets. But that's also the tremendous benefit of Romney's overseas experience -- he has proven more instrumental than President Obama in creating hundreds of thousands of jobs, embracing globalization, and keeping overhead low for business owners. Now, that same experience in third-world countries is giving Mitt Romney an edge over Obama in, of all things, education reform.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

After JPMorgan Loss, Boehner Calls Laws Useless and Advocates Anarchy

"We have laws against suicide, but that doesn't stop people from killing themselves" -- Speaker John Boehner

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Addressing the disastrous decision making at JPMorgan Chase that led to a $2 billion trading loss, U.S. House of Representatives Speaker John Boehner said he didn't believe there was "anything in Dodd-Frank that would've prevented this activity at JPMorgan. We have laws against suicide, but that doesn't stop people from killing themselves." The losses suffered by JPMorgan resulted from derivatives trading and could renew calls to expand regulations for banks, even though lawmakers continue to bicker about the Dodd-Frank rules enacted two years ago. Boehner seized the opportunity to emphasize the value of repealing Dodd-Frank. He also stated that most federal regulations should be abolished along the way: "As Americans, we don't need to be told how fast we can drive, where we can smoke, what we can do with campaign contributions, or who we can and can't hire. Heck, I'm not even allowed to accept gifts from associates or business friends. That's just government-sponsored insolence. Federal law requires me to be rude. And your taxes are footing the bill. Where does it end? I'll tell you -- with you in the poor house. You think your checking account fees are high now, imagine what they'll be like when the government takes over."

Monday, May 21, 2012

San Narciso Mayor Shelters Citizens as Angry God Blots Out Sun During Long Beach Gay Pride Day

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Dozens of lesbian motorcyclists roared down Ocean Avenue in Long Beach on Sunday morning, heralding the start of Southern California's second largest gay pride parade. Before an estimated crowd of 35,000 stunned onlookers, flamboyant costumes and elaborate ornamentation took over the city in a message of unity. For many, the parade became a holiday of sorts. But in nearby San Narciso County, which also commemorated the day, Mayor Manny DiPresso called his town's observance "a true holy-day." All shops and businesses remained closed Sunday, with citizens urged to shelter themselves in the area's churches, which ran marathon 24-hour services. For the single Catholic church in the city, that equated to three consecutive masses. DiPresso also ordered police to barricade the county borders in case the event's organizers tried to "infect our community with the sin they seem so proud about."

Friday, May 18, 2012

European Authorities Beg Drugmakers for Emergency Supply to Keep Agitated Greeks Sedated

ATHENS, Greece (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- International pharmaceutical companies are working closely with European officials on emergency plans to keep drugs flowing into Greece if the country crashes out of the euro. Officials continue to assure the world that such an eventuality would be unthinkable, but it appears they are giving serious thought to the possibility. Not only has the Greek financial disaster blighted the European economy, it has caused worldwide shares of S.C. Johnson -- the owners of Windex -- to plummet. Drugmakers are reaching back to examine the 2002 situation in Argentina, when manufacturers continued to supply drugs temporarily without payment. Executives at major drug companies -- especially those headquartered in Europe -- admitted to being pressured by EU leaders to prevent a "health catastrophe," which could explode should Greek imports falter as result of massive devaluation of newly issued drachma. "There's a moral obligation to comply," representatives from PricewaterhouseCoopers told reporters Friday. "The fact is, we need to keep the Greeks doped up if we're going to get through this with any reasonable measure of sanity."

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Masseur Drops $2 Million Sex Abuse Lawsuit Against John Travolta after Coming into Large Sum of Money

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- One of the two male massage therapists who alleged in a $2 million lawsuit that actor John Travolta exposed himself during a session and then made inappropriate physical advances has dropped his case according to Gloria Allred, the attorney representing the claimant referred to only as John Doe No. 1. Travolta's lawyers initially argued that although their client may have seemingly groped the alleged victim's penis and attempted to touch his anus, those actions were undertaken according to well-intentioned rituals of Scientology, Travolta's religion. "The point of the interaction was not to arouse sexual reciprocation but to help an obviously troubled person clear himself of engrams, which are unwanted emotions or painful traumas not readily available to the conscious mind," Travolta's counsel told reporters on May 8. In response to the allegations that Travolta was propositioning the masseur for gay sex, attorneys for the defense attacked the accusations as "baseless, ridiculous, and opportunistic." John Doe No. 1's withdrawal of his complaint, Travolta's representatives say, vindicates the actor and Scientology.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Walmart Reaffirms Commitment to Slavery after Alabama City Halts New Store Construction Near Slave Graveyard

FLORENCE, Ala. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Walmart has once again courted controversy, albeit unwittingly, by announcing plans to break ground next to an historic burial site in northern Alabama. Although overgrown, unkempt, and not typically pointed out on sightseeing tours, the Coffee Cemetery in Florence is a one-acre graveyard where 80 slaves are believed to be buried. The slaves were owned by Gen. John Coffee, a friend of President Andrew Jackson. He was also the surveyor responsible for mapping the state's border with Mississippi. Archaeologists say enough evidence exists to suggest that the final resting place of Gen. Coffee's slaves will be the first place Walmart shoppers see -- as the main driveway to the parking lot. Determining the precise boundaries of the cemetery could prove difficult, however. "Coffee was a masterful landsman," said historian Hewlett Jefferson Twiddle. "He talked Indians out of their rightful lands and kept Mississippi crackers out of his. Unfortunately, Coffee didn't spend as much time mapping out the landfill where he dumped his, uh, help after they'd reached the limits of their, let's say, agricultural and domestic contributions."

Monday, May 14, 2012

Shanty Town Boom in 10 States Offers Encouraging Sign of Housing Market Recovery

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The November 6 presidential election between incumbent Barack Obama and presumptive opponent Mitt Romney will likely be decided by a number of "swing states" where unemployment and the economy remain more vote-worthy issues than gay marriage or bullying. The most recent Census Bureau data concludes that the U.S. poverty rate has risen to its highest level since 1993. Nearly 60 percent of Americans can expect to spend at least one year living below the poverty line. And despite the celebrated job growth statistics, the 8.1-percent unemployment number remains a fallacy. Studies show that nearly five million job seekers who are no longer eligible to collect unemployment benefits have abandoned the workforce altogether in despair. That means they're also no longer counted in the published unemployment reports. In reality, the rate of joblessness in the United States looms closer to 11 percent. Further complicating these issues, especially in the battleground states being courted by Obama and Romney, the abysmal housing market continues to be a sore spot. The foreclosure rate is 5.6 million, and experts anticipate it to rise through 2012. But in a serendipitous twist, this perfect storm of dire circumstances has woven a silver mantle for the ailing nation through the birth of alternative housing and cottage industries in U.S. shanty towns.

Friday, May 11, 2012

Obama Hopes Gay Marriage Support Helps Latent Republicans Like Mitt Romney Find Acceptance

"I'm sorry, Mitt, but how gay are you? You were antagonized by a bad hairstyle?" -- Gareth Geerldoff, White House social relations specialist

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- After years of "evolving" on the issue, President Obama told the press Wednesday that he believes gay couples should be allowed to marry. The president's comments marked an historic first for the civil rights of homosexuals, as no previous commander-in-chief has publicly expressed support for same sex unions. Advocates for equality in the United States praised Obama's bold announcement. Social conservatives criticized Obama and warned that the risky political move will jeopardize his appeal to right-leaning independents and Christians of all ideological persuasions, effectively handing those votes to Mitt Romney, the GOP's presumed candidate in this November's election. More than Obama endorsing sodomy, conservatives took offense at the president's decision to use the word "evolving," with its insinuation of an unholy alternative to the established seven-day creation process. On Friday, Obama clarified that his statement was not meant to be divisive. Instead, he had hoped to pave a smoother path forward for self-loathing gay Republicans to come out of the closet and find acceptance -- people like Mitt Romney, who try to mask their latent tendencies with bravado or bullying.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Brad Pitt Chosen as Face of Chanel No. 5 Perfume after French Complain About His Hygiene

PARIS, France (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In a strong statement -- as strong as the stench of cigarettes, dachshund droppings, diesel fuel, and musty sweat from a Paris cafe -- the famed French fashion house Chanel announced actor Brad Pitt as the new face of Chanel No. 5 perfume, one of the most famous fragrances in the world. It marks the first time Chanel has selected a man to represent its iconic perfume. Coco Chanel first introduced her No. 5 scent in 1922, although prominent male figures of the day claimed she had released her No. 1 and No. 2 scents to them frequently before that time. The fragrance was named for Coco's affinity with the number five -- most evidenced by the fact that in any given afternoon, Coco Chanel exposed herself to at least five venereal diseases. Although Pitt seems to share Coco Chanel's fondness for promiscuity, home wrecking and existential dread, company representatives explained that Pitt was chosen because of his horrible hygiene. One spokesperson said: "Irony begets irony in this case. It's ironic that a scruffy man was picked to promote a delicate fragrance made exclusively for women. It's more ironic that the French made this decision because of hygiene concerns."

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Two Massage Therapists Sue John Travolta for Sexual Battery, Actor Seeks Justice and Happy Ending

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Actor John Travolta has been accused in a federal lawsuit of assault and sexual battery on two male massage therapists, with the plaintiffs providing lurid details about the unwanted advances. The first incident chronicles Travolta's alleged groping of a masseur in a Beverly Hills bungalow, ending with Travolta masturbating himself. The second victim purports that he faced similar molestation while attending to Travolta in Atlanta. The suit seeks $2 million in damages. Travolta's representatives called the suit "a complete fiction and fabrication" in a statement released Tuesday. Surprisingly, however, the defense says it will fight the accusations by citing Travolta's right to freely exercise his religious beliefs as a Scientologist. The 58-year-old star of "White Man's Burden," "Battlefield Earth," "Wild Hogs," "Michael" and the "Look Who's Talking" franchise also plans to countersue for malicious prosecution.

Monday, May 7, 2012

CIA Thwarts Second Underwear Bomb Plot, Expands Investigation to Hanes and Fruit of the Loom

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The CIA thwarted another suicide bomb plot involving underwear on Monday. Al Qaeda's affiliate in Yemen was attempting to destroy an airliner bound for the United States using a newly modified explosive device sewn into a pair of men's briefs. The more advanced detonation components could not be picked up by metal detectors or x-ray machines, bolstering the TSA's case for full cavity strip searches of everyone attempting to board a plane. Experts claim the bomb bears all the hallmarks of Ibrahim al-Asiri's handiwork. "The detonation system is of superior craftsmanship, but it also displays an uncharacteristic commitment to comfort and style," one agency spokesperson told reporters. "Let's forget the bomb for a second. This pair of drawers was expertly stitched, tagless, made from expensive Egyptian cotton, and offered full support and a chic contemporary look. Not your father's tidy whities." The CIA believes that neither al-Asiri nor anyone directly engaged with al Qaeda designed the undergarments. U.S. authorities are now launching a full investigation into the operations of Hanes and Fruit of the Loom, the two most likely manufacturers capable of developing such high-end skivvies.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Arizona Apologizes to Norway for Confusing Alexander Dale Oen with Other Foreigners Who Died There After Long, Hard Swim

FLAGSTAFF, Ariz. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Alexander Dale Oen, the pride of Norway, took the world swimming championship just a year ago and served as a symbol of resilience and optimism in the aftermath of the horrendous massacre that rocked his homeland. Three days before Oen's victory, Anders Breivik ironically killed 77 of his own countrymen using tactics inspired by al Qaeda to protest Muslim terrorism. Norwegians had harbored high hopes of Oen earning a medal in the upcoming London Olympics, but the 26-year-old swimmer was found dead Tuesday of cardiac arrest in an Arizona pre-Olympic training camp. His demise, when the Norwegian consulate was finally informed, dashed the renewed spirits of a nation still fragile and reeling from the attacks perpetrated by Breivik.

Copyright © 2014 The Bennington Vale Evening Transcript. Template Designed by OddThemes - WP Themes