Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Brad Pitt Chosen as Face of Chanel No. 5 Perfume after French Complain About His Hygiene

PARIS, France (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In a strong statement -- as strong as the stench of cigarettes, dachshund droppings, diesel fuel, and musty sweat from a Paris cafe -- the famed French fashion house Chanel announced actor Brad Pitt as the new face of Chanel No. 5 perfume, one of the most famous fragrances in the world. It marks the first time Chanel has selected a man to represent its iconic perfume. Coco Chanel first introduced her No. 5 scent in 1922, although prominent male figures of the day claimed she had released her No. 1 and No. 2 scents to them frequently before that time. The fragrance was named for Coco's affinity with the number five -- most evidenced by the fact that in any given afternoon, Coco Chanel exposed herself to at least five venereal diseases. Although Pitt seems to share Coco Chanel's fondness for promiscuity, home wrecking and existential dread, company representatives explained that Pitt was chosen because of his horrible hygiene. One spokesperson said: "Irony begets irony in this case. It's ironic that a scruffy man was picked to promote a delicate fragrance made exclusively for women. It's more ironic that the French made this decision because of hygiene concerns."

In 2004, following the premiere of "Troy," Swedish showbiz aficionado Mikael Jagerbrand named Brad Pitt one of the least hygienic stars, based on years of complaints from co-stars about his body odor. Jagerbrand also noted that instead of "merely taking a shower," Pitt bought a $3,600 Calvin Klein shirt to correct the problem. While filming "Inglourious Basterds," Pitt refused to bathe or change clothes, telling the cast and crew that rinsing off would "let all the funk out," supposedly detracting from his character's realism. Heinrich Harrer, author of the novel "Seven Years in Tibet" as well as the film version featuring Pitt, commented that the versatile actor smelled as though he'd spent "seventy years in Tibet -- stuck in the crapper of a busy gompa." Anthony Hopkins, who worked beside Pitt in "Meet Joe Black," confessed that "the only thing on the set that stank more than the script was Brad, impossible as that is to believe."

Chanel's marketing executives said: "Much like a Pepé Le Pew cartoon, where the smelly protagonist attempts to woo a lady cat by painting himself to resemble a feline and dousing his backside with perfume, we plan to put Mr. Pitt in a very stylish suit, then drown him in Chanel No. 5. The French people have an atrocious track record of bad decision making. We hope to take that stink off our reputation by removing the foul odor from a beloved movie star and frequent visitor to our country. If it moves a few bottles in the process, all the better."

(c) 2012. See disclaimers.