Friday, May 18, 2012

European Authorities Beg Drugmakers for Emergency Supply to Keep Agitated Greeks Sedated

ATHENS, Greece (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- International pharmaceutical companies are working closely with European officials on emergency plans to keep drugs flowing into Greece if the country crashes out of the euro. Officials continue to assure the world that such an eventuality would be unthinkable, but it appears they are giving serious thought to the possibility. Not only has the Greek financial disaster blighted the European economy, it has caused worldwide shares of S.C. Johnson -- the owners of Windex -- to plummet. Drugmakers are reaching back to examine the 2002 situation in Argentina, when manufacturers continued to supply drugs temporarily without payment. Executives at major drug companies -- especially those headquartered in Europe -- admitted to being pressured by EU leaders to prevent a "health catastrophe," which could explode should Greek imports falter as result of massive devaluation of newly issued drachma. "There's a moral obligation to comply," representatives from PricewaterhouseCoopers told reporters Friday. "The fact is, we need to keep the Greeks doped up if we're going to get through this with any reasonable measure of sanity."

The mounting Greek debt crisis has already led to widespread national poverty, unsustainable austerity programs, credit downgrades, eradicated pensions, staggering unemployment rates, large-scale rioting, and even public suicides.

"Without a heroic influx of narcotics, things will certainly spiral into chaos," said Philippe Baeresch, an economic consultant based in Belgium. "We must mollify these people before things get really out of hand. And I'm not just talking about antidepressants and sleeping pills. We need powerful drugs like flunitrazepam, Propofol, and perhaps even heroin if we are going to contain the easily riled Greek people."

In order to ensure peace, Baeresch avers, Greeks must be sedated to manageable levels before they realize precisely how close to the abyss they really are and unite to rally for meaningful reform.

"That's a lot of change, and it necessitates real action by world actors," Baeresch added. "But it could
get uglier. The unpleasantness of any solidarity movement aside, you must remember that these are the same people who, when the coffers weren't so heavy before, started the Ionian Revolt, the Persian War, the Battle of Marathon, the Peloponnesian War, the Archidamian War, the Sicilian War, the Decelean War, the spread of syphilis and anthrax, and god knows what else. This is the nation of Nia Vardalos, the face that launched a thousand awful films. Before Sparta rises again to blacken the sky with arrows and cigarette smoke -- or the streets of every city with greasy burgers and potato chips -- I say we send as many drugs and bottles of Windex as we can spare."

(c) 2012. See disclaimers.

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