Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Photographer Attacked by Justin Bieber Recovering from Severe Indian Burns and Wet Willies

CALABASAS, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Deputies with the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department are investigating a complaint from a celebrity photographer that 18-year-old pop sensation Justin Bieber "physically battered" him at an outdoor shopping area Sunday near the exclusive Calabasas community where the Canadian-born singer now resides. Entertainment news source TMZ, citing eyewitness accounts, reported that the confrontation arose when the paparazzo attempted to block Bieber from entering his car with his girlfriend, actress Selena Gomez, 19. Police are withholding the identity of Bieber's victim, as well as the extent of his injuries. Many who observed the altercation described the beating administered by Bieber as "degrading," "thuggish," and emotionally traumatic.

Darby Gillen, a local merchant and entrepreneur who peddles macrame drink coasters fashioned into earrings with "out of context" movie quotes stitched on them, saw the entire event. "It was pretty humiliating for the photographer, dude. Bieber totally made a little bitch outta that guy," Gillen said.

According to Gillen, the victim initiated the argument by refusing to step away from Bieber's car. After a brief exchange, Bieber accused the paparazzo of being a "retarded farty face" before wetting his finger and shoving it in the man's ear.

The photographer retaliated by slapping Bieber's finger away, at which point, Gillen said, Bieber seized the man's forearm in his hands and began rubbing furiously in opposite directions.

"I've never seen an Indian burn applied with such friction," admitted Gillen. "The guy dropped his camera and started crying. He also threatened to tell Bieber's mom and to call his older brother who could 'seriously kick butt' because he studied karate or something. Well that didn't work. It just enraged Justin more. So he grabbed the guy's nipples and pinched the hell out of them. After the purple nurple, Bieber reached behind the guy, grabbed his skivvies, and wedgied him in front of everyone. It was awful to watch. But it got worse."

As the photographer attempted to capitulate and walk away, Bieber slapped him on the back and said, "No hard feelings." But Bieber had apparently attached a "Kick Me!" sign that Selena Gomez made during the skirmish.

Gillen estimated that nearly twenty five people in the area converged on the victim and struck him mercilessly until police arrived. Because most of those involved were under the age of 10, police let them go with stern warnings.

Deputies are treating the case as misdemeanor battery and are seeking to interview additional eyewitnesses. Justin Bieber's representatives would not provide details, explaining only that the otherwise cherubic celebrity needed a time out.

(c) 2012. See disclaimers.