Thursday, January 5, 2012

Santorum Denies Racist Remarks by Insisting He Said 'Blah' People; Blah Community Outraged

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Despite Rick Santorum's astonishingly strong finish in the Iowa caucuses -- coupled with the warm welcome he received in New Hampshire, the NAACP has condemned the former senator for targeting the black community at a campaign stop on Sunday, where Santorum told an audience that he intends to improve the quality of life for minorities, particularly African Americans, by stripping them of social assistance and support programs. The presidential hopeful took heat after saying: "I don't want to make black [sic] people's lives better by giving them somebody else's money; I want to give them the opportunity to go out and earn the money." Santorum then pitched a controversial employment program based on "time-honored labor initiatives of the nineteenth century," where black workers could move their families to large farms under the sponsorship of the owners. The program would operate outside the cumbersome limitations of regulatory oversight and stifling labor laws. "Without these impositions," Santorum added, "disadvantaged workers could realize unlimited earning potential with no taxes to pay, since they would no longer be part of the traditional federalist system." However, after being attacked by civil rights groups, Santorum explained that he wasn't referring to 'black people' but to 'blah' people.

Santorum 'Gives Voice' To Area's Closeted White Supremacists
By conservative standards, Santorum's reasoning about entitlement programs seems normal. But singling out a particular group as recipients of welfare has put Santorum's racist past back into the forefront of his candidacy.

Progressive pundit Ferrel Michaels said: "Interestingly, Santorum's bigotry and hate haven't caused too many problems for his campaign up to this point. In fact, the surprising number of supporters who turned out in New Hampshire to shake his hand attests to that. Typically, Republicans consider the New England area overly liberal."

Several groups that champion white rights and eugenics expressed relief at Santorum's commitment to the cause, as well as his success in the polls. Santorum, they claim, has given a voice to their long-suffering constituents, who have been forced to live in the shadows and betray their own identities since the 1960s.

"Unless you've been discriminated against, you have no idea what it's like to be forced to keep your true self a secret," said Lurlene Berlen, who belongs to a "niche Christian group" that believes Jesus had blond hair, blue eyes and a fondness for knackwurst.

Visiting a vintage diner during lunchtime on Thursday, Santorum had to struggle through the unusually large crowds that had gathered to see him, which demonstrated the existence of a greater level of white supremacy in the region than originally thought. "It also showed that Santorum can continue to spread and infect Romney's territory," Michaels added.

Area resident Arnie Snood told Mr. Santorum: "You are the first political candidate I've ever come out to meet in my entire life. I listened to your speech in Iowa the other night and that’s exactly what I wanted to hear for so many years. I hate darkies and homos too. God bless you."

Blah Community Outraged at Santorum's 'Ethnic' Attacks
Although Santorum could ride into the White House on the frightened White ticket, he denied that his statements were focused on African Americans. He appeared on "The O'Reilly Factor" to clarify that his comments had been taken out of context.

"I looked at that, and I didn't say that," Santorum told O'Reilly. "If you look at it, what I started to say is a word and then sort of changed and it sort of -- blah -- came out. And people said I said 'black.' I didn't. I said 'blah.'"

Later, after being questioned by other press outlets for more information, Santorum plunged himself into another controversy when he told reporters: "I stand by what I said. And I wasn't attacking African Americans. I was directly criticizing Blah people. They're parasites. They're destroying the country. I wish all the Blahs would move to Texas so we wouldn't have to deal with them much longer, if you know what I mean."

"Making such a brazen and unapologetic statement against Blahs was the biggest blunder I've ever seen in politics," Ferrel Michaels said.

Civil rights advocates for the Blah community rallied across the entire East Coast of the United States, staging protests against Santorum's campaign.

"We came here from Canada in the 1900s, but the story of our servitude in the U.S. has never been written into the history books," said Guy LeEnnui, president of the Blah Organization for Racial Equality (BORE). "We are here still, most of us hopelessly trapped in human trafficking and the sex trade and forced labor. We were enslaved by the Amish over a century ago. Nothing has changed, and no one from the government has come to free us. It is a cruel existence. They make us work all day and night, and won't even provide electricity or power tools. If we escape, we are picked up by slave traders in Pennsylvania. York, mostly."

Santorum, however, stated that no Blah has ever been granted citizenship in the United States. He also said Blahs are the most flagrant violators of U.S. immigration and naturalization policies.

Originally part of the nomadic Blase peoples of seventeenth century France, the Canadian Blahs include the related ethnic groups Bunkum, Humbug, Hooey, Eyewash, Twaddle and Bosh.

"None of these people are eligible to vote in the United States," a spokesperson for Rick Santorum's campaign said. "So how could it matter what he says about them or how much he hates them?"

(c) 2011. See disclaimers.
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