Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Religious Conservatives Lash Out at Kristen Bell as a 'Satanic Influence'

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- As Newt Gingrich suffered a crushing blow to his campaign with a double-digit loss to Mitt Romney in Florida, he told his supporters: "It is now clear this will be a two-person race between the conservative leader Newt Gingrich and the Massachusetts moderate." And while many dispute the notion that Romney is as liberal as Gingrich claims, there can be little doubt that Gingrich managed to capture the votes of religious conservatives in South Carolina and Florida. Now, reeling from their defeat, angry Christian groups are seeking to illustrate the godlessness of modern society and the need for politicians such as Gingrich. On Tuesday, they lashed out at actress Kristen Bell, identifying her as a "satanic influence" and accusing her of "peddling sin and filthy, filthy smut" to the nation's youth.

According to Rev. Loomis Gumley -- the founder of a small sect of reform Christianity in Bennington Vale called The Irresistible Benevolence of His Wrath -- Kristen Bell attracted the attention, and enmity, of the conservative faithful after her appearance on "The Ellen DeGeneres Show."

During the show, Bell revealed her unusual obsession with sloths. The "House of Lies" star also allowed the audience to watch footage of her 31st birthday party in which she suffered an intense emotional breakdown after her fiance brought in a live sloth as part of the celebration.

Bell told DeGeneres: "I had no context for knowing what it was. But I grab the dogs, walk into the back room of the house and I immediately was overcome and thought, 'There's a sloth near. There's a sloth here, it's close, it's gonna happen.' And I didn't know how to process that, because my entire life, had been waiting for this moment, where I would get to interact -- I'm serious -- with a sloth."

"I've been obsessed with sloths for as long as I can remember. They must be my spirit animal or something," the young actress added.

But for Rev. Gumley, Kristen Bell's spiritual attachment to a "demonic familiar" represents the utter depravity running riot in the entertainment industry.

Gumley told The Bennington Vale Evening Transcript: "This woman is nothing short of the devil's concubine. She's an instrument for spreading evil. Where do I begin? First and foremost, this woman admits that her life's dream is to embrace one of the Seven Deadly Sins. It's number four on the list, for Pete's sake. But that's apparently all she thinks about -- sloth. Idle hands and indifference to the gifts God has bestowed on her. Abominable!"

Gumley also referenced an interview Bell gave in January where she claimed to "google baby sloths maybe two to three times a week."

"I don't know exactly what 'googling' means, but it sounds aberrant and disgusting," Gumley scoffed. "Of course, the idea of Kristen Bell attempting to diddle a demon wouldn't surprise me one bit, given her sexually deviant predilections. You know she told the papers that she enjoyed having her toes sucked during a perverted scene of fornication in her 'House of Lies' show? So she clearly practices fetishes that would turn the Lord's stomach. I think hiring someone as morally bankrupt as Kristen Bell for a show about a house of lies is perfect casting. Maybe she'll have a follow-up series called 'Den of Iniquity' about a sin-loving foot fetishist married to a child molesting lion."

As further evidence of Bell's unholy lusts, Gumley described a music video for the Yeasayer song "Madder Red," which features Kristen Bell as the agonized owner of an eerie creature that seems to be an oozing sac of vestigial limbs.

"Whatever that thing she's crying about in the video is, it's nothing fashioned by hands of God," Gumley said. "It's nothing members of The Irresistible Benevolence of His Wrath would look upon as anything but proof of the Antichrist's emergence on Earth."

Reporters attempted to clarify for Gumley that Kristen Bell was telling Ellen DeGeneres about her fascination with sloths, the arboreal mammals, and not Sloth, a Deadly Sin. Gumley merely replied: "I wouldn't know about the Ellen DeGenital [sic] talk show. God would send me straight to the pit, tied up in my own shredded gonads, if I spent my day watching some lesbian push the gay agenda down America's throat. For all I care, she and Kristen Bell can spend an eternity of freaky foot fetish demon sex together in the putrid bowels of God's merciful love and forgiveness."

(c) 2012. See disclaimers.

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