Friday, February 17, 2012

After Vetoing Same-Sex Marriage, Gov. Chris Christie Compares Gay Unions to Monte Cristo Sandwiches

TRENTON, N.J. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Gov. Chris Christie followed through on his promise to veto a bill seeking to legalize same-sex marriages in New Jersey, disappointing but not surprising Democrats in the state. Christie quickly struck down the measure Friday, sending the bill back to the Legislature like an undercooked pork chop. Progressive pundit Ferrel Michaels said: "Gov. Christie told me directly that he would move quickly to kill any gay marriage measure that hit his desk. I laughed, because it's funny to imagine Christie moving quickly for anything that doesn't involve pie. But he honored his commitment to slapping a 'big fat veto' on the bill. Pretty much sums the guy up. I mean that he infuses his personal ideology into the law, not that he's fat -- although he's certainly that too." In rejecting the proposed bill, Christie reiterated that voters -- not the individuals they elected to represent them in the Assembly -- should decide how to define marriage within New Jersey.

"Personally, I believe in the sanctity of marriage," Christie told reporters. "Imagine what 'Jersey Shores' would be like with gay couples -- it'd be a spectacle of trendy, well-to-do, entitled brats gossiping all day around the house and then shopping, clubbing and having indiscriminate and meaningless sex with each other. That's not what Jersey stands for; those aren't our values. Plus, unlike the cast of 'Jersey Shores,' gay couples will never produce children. To me, that seems like a loss."

Christie lost much of his momentum with the crowd after lamenting a vision of the sanctified world bereft of Snooki's illegitimate offspring, but he regained some approval after proposing the creation of an ombudsman to monitor compliance with the state's civil union law, which critics attack as "flawed."

Proponents of the bill call gay marriage a civil right that is being denied to gay couples, while opponents argue that a heterosexual institution should not be expanded. The legislation, designed to appease all parties, even goes so far as to include a religious opt-out clause that excuses clergy from performing gay marriages and places of worship from allowing same-sex weddings at their facilities. Conservatives would not compromise.

Still, even within his peer group, Christie has faced blistering criticism. Senate President Steve Sweeney said, "He had the chance to do the right thing, and failed miserably." Governor Chris Gregoire of Washington, a practicing Catholic who recently endorsed the passage of same-sex marriage in her state, urged Christie to reconsider his decision, emphasizing, "while I am a governor, I am also a Catholic."

Gov. Christie refused to alter his stance -- as the physical exertion could lead to cardiac arrest -- or change his mind. Instead, he tried to present a variety of analogies to help the crowd understand his reasoning.

"The way I see it, some things are simply meant to go together," Christie said. "Mayonnaise and mustard, meat and potatoes, chocolate and peanut butter, pasta and...well, anything. But people of the same sex do not belong together. Except, of course, in professional sports, corporate leadership and bars. Men and women are better off separated in those environments. But I see gay marriage like a Monte Cristo sandwich. It's wrong. Some people will tell you it's the best thing ever, but think about how icky it really is. It's a ham and cheese sandwich stuffed into a jelly doughnut. That's disgusting and wrong. God never intended for such an aberration, yet free will allows people to make some repugnant choices -- such as creating a Monte Cristo sandwich. Now, we can call it a sandwich, and we can allow restaurants to sell it as a sandwich, but you won't find a Monte Cristo at the deli. Why? Because it's not really a sandwich. It just has the appearance of one. In a way, it's a pathetic mockery of an honest-to-goodness sandwich. Some sandwiches are very complex and even unorthodox. Reubens, hoagies, grinders, muffaletta. They're unconventional, unique and not for every palate; but at their core, they're sandwiches nonetheless. Not cakes with meat in them."

Christie continued offering culinary examples that involved french fries and milkshakes, apples and cheese, and hot dogs with pasta, the last seeming to be a veiled allusion to bisexuality: "Pasta pretty much goes with everything, and it can work with hot dogs, it just probably shouldn't and not more than once."

By the end of his confusing speech, Christie claimed to have forgotten what he was talking about and abruptly pushed past reporters with the excuse that he was suddenly famished.

More to come as the story develops.

(c) 2012. See disclaimers.

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