SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Last Thursday’s narrow passage of Trump’s revised health legislation, intended to repeal and replace Obama’s landmark Affordable Care Act, marked the first measurable victory for a struggling administration. Despite controversial provisions for low-income tax credits and phasing out the expansion of Medicaid, alarms have been raised over allowing insurers to hike premiums for covering pre-existing conditions. Trump sweetened the pot Tuesday with sweeping additions to what insurance companies can consider pre-existing conditions: being brown, female, gay or Muslim.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Republicans on Thursday rammed their revised health care bill through the House of Representatives, packed with amendments and additional spending, to seize a narrow victory with a thin majority of votes. Gaining the same hard-fought adoption of the Senate, however, will prove to be a much heftier feat. Despite the skepticism of Senate Republicans, the opposition of uncharacteristically united Democrats, and concerns that the Congressional Budget Office has not reviewed the financial impact of the legislation, the biggest debate involves a concession called the MacArthur Amendment, which honors the president’s promise to guarantee pre-existing conditions. “If you have a pre-existing condition, this bill won’t touch it,” Trump said. “You get to keep your pre-existing condition forever. Our health care act won’t eliminate any pre-existing conditions you have.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Agriculture Secretary Sonny Purdue pushed forward on Monday with aggressive plans to reverse the draconian dietary standards the Obama administration had imposed on school cafeterias as part of its eight-year socialist agenda. The Trump White House campaigned on a platform of restoring free market capitalism, vowing to stave off the creeping threat of communism that caused the country, its economy and its business communities to flounder for nearly a decade-- practically to the point of national insolvency. With many executive orders penned, Trump has fought to alleviate burdensome regulations on industry, such as crippling standards for health, safety, fair compensation and labor protections. In his first official act, Purdue has proposed a “repeal and replace” nutrition program that “accurately reflects the true diets and values of American families, and the businesses they depend on.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Vice President Mike Pence was attended to by paramedics and briefly hospitalized this weekend, according to eyewitness reports. The incident occurred at a quiet D.C. bistro on Sunday afternoon. Pence arrived for lunch before his wife, and was seated alone by a female server. Without the spiritual protection of his spouse, Mr. Pence was overcome by the lewd aura of the waitress, which culminated in a severe panic attack. Because similar encounters are more likely to occur, given Pence’s expanded role in government, White House officials announced that they would be designing a protective, portable enclosure for the vice president, similar to the popemobile.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Prior to January 2017, John Fleming served as a representative for Louisiana’s 4th congressional district. More recently, he joined the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) as President’s Trump appointee for assistant secretary in charge of health technology. He answers to Secretary Tom Price. Fleming’s position garnered little, if any, media attention. But the public now wants to know how Fleming will help guide key health policies, given that Trump’s other cabinet picks have come under intense scrutiny. The answer may lie in Fleming’s 2006 book on adolescent addiction, which warns of the inextricable bond between counter-culture expressions -- including piercings, alternative music, modern fashion and tattoos -- and drugs, which appear like stigmata on those who sin against the white, 1950’s, American ideal that represents the Lord’s perfect realization of purity.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Following a day of drama, marathon meetings, intense discussions and combative posturing, the vote to repeal and replace the Affordable Care Act (ACA) has been postponed until Friday. House Republicans must persuade at least 21 members of their caucus to support the bill, under the presumption that no Democrats will endorse it. However, 26 conservatives confirmed that they will vote against the current version of the American Health Care Act (AHCA). Four other Republicans stated they would likely oppose it. Despite concessions, the bill, derisively dubbed Obamacare Lite, “doesn’t begin to discriminate or hate hard enough,” opponents explained. “We were sold Mengele; what we got stank of Mother Teresa.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- President Trump’s proposed budget, “America First: A Budget Blueprint to Make America Great Again,” may seem austere and disproportionately attuned to the needs of the military industrial complex, but the White House views its hardline approach as a “compassionate” and deeply patriotic plan, even though it eliminates funding for the arts, sciences, environment, education, healthcare and geriatric support programs such as Meals on Wheels. Trump’s cabinet assured the public that the new blueprint will restore America to the days of its past grandeur: a time of epic wars with foreign powers, a thriving economy based on defense spending and more reasonable limits on the lifespans of persistently lingering seniors who are depriving the nation’s underemployed Millennials of greater opportunities.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Last Thursday, the Republican-controlled Senate took a major step toward eviscerating the Affordable Care Act (ACA), also known as Obamacare. In a 51 to 48 vote, senators approved a proposal that would empower them to gut key provisions of the health care act without facing a filibuster by opposing Democrats. The following Tuesday, however, the nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office (CBO) published research that depicted significant impacts from a repeal. Their top concerns involved vast numbers of uninsured Americans and skyrocketing premiums, which would effectively put medical care beyond the reach of millions. The charge is being led by House Speaker Paul Ryan, who has been trying to gut the wasteful federal government for years, seeking instead a greater reliance on privatization. To show the inherent dangers of providing citizens with access to health care, Ryan boldly renounced all of the socialist, Hitler-esque, taxpayer funded benefits he receives as a member of Congress.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On January 6, President-elect Donald Trump spent 17 relentless hours on Twitter informing the public of every thought in his head. Trump, as reporter-in-chief, delivers minute-by-minute developments of all things Trump. However, as any tireless journalist can attest, live coverage of this magnitude is often unsustainable. Political analysts believe the growing reluctance of GOP legislators to support the Mexico border wall is directly related: the structure could impose tremendous impediments to Mexican drug cartels who supply Trump with the cocaine he needs to stay sharp and ever-present on social media.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- A new study published by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) provides compelling evidence for American men to stick by 2017 New Year’s weight-loss resolutions. Nearly 50 percent of men, the report found, remain seated for three-quarters of the day, compared to only 13 percent of women. The result? A rise in obesity. However, President-elect Donald Trump offered some unusual advice as part of his commitment to overhaul the existing U.S. health system. The conversation came from a recent briefing on the threat of North Korea. Rather than discussing the predictably erratic antics of Pyongyang’s minuscule but tyrannical autocrat, Trump raved about a new fad in weight loss based on the North Korean diet of dirt and tree bark, which is sure to help millions shed unwanted pounds in 2017. This “all natural” and “portion-sensible” diet, Trump opined, can reduce American dependence on Obamacare and food stamps.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The small Amish enclave in San Narciso’s Kinneret Hills was rattled this Christmas by the discovery of Tourette syndrome in one of its teens, according to reports from the community’s local paper and a physician who resides near “Amish Acres,” as the area is called by neighboring residents. Tourette’s is a congenital neuropsychiatric disorder characterized by physical spasms and peculiar vocal tics, which can include profanity, derogatory remarks and socially unacceptable outbursts. In an interesting corollary, Rep. Tom Price (R-Ga.), Trump’s appointee for the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS), said the incident -- and the community’s handling of it -- revealed the fallacy of social medical programs. Price has long sought to dismantle Obamacare and replace Medicare with a voucher system. “The Amish, stunned as they are by the offensive outbursts of a child, are handling the situation as real Americans should,” Price said. “They’re tolerating it, placing the infirm pariah in quarantine and praying for God’s assistance -- not the taxpayers’.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The U.S. Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) took a lot of heat in 2014 when a congressional investigation uncovered irrefutable proof of a brutal “enhanced interrogation” program, which was implemented to extract information from suspected enemy combatants. Despire efforts from the Obama administration to curb government-sanctioned torture, key members of President-elect Trump’s cabinet want those practices reinstated. Appointees in top security roles have made provocative statements about the legitimate use of “severe interviewing protocols” as necessary, effective and ultimately benign; most suspects survive the ordeal with only lingering neurological scars. To prove it, Trump’s policy masterminds have partnered with the torture czars behind the CIA initiative to demonstrate the positive outcomes of rendition. On Tuesday, they published a guide to help parents who are struggling with naughty children -- just in time for Christmas!

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Friday, the Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS) released its December jobs report. Data revealed a drop in the national unemployment rate to 4.6 percent, its lowest point in over nine years. Job growth, meanwhile, continued to climb for the 74th consecutive month. However, Vice President-elect Mike Pence (R-Ind.) and House Speaker Paul Ryan (R-Wis.) both told news outlets this weekend that President Obama’s crushing regulatory policies, especially the Affordable Care Act (ACA), have crippled employment opportunities. Liberal critics were quick to point out the logical flaw in their arguments. Ryan and Pence defended their statements Monday, noting that Obamacare has played a direct and detrimental role in promoting longevity. As older workers enjoy longer and more salubrious lives, they are less likely to retire or die, leaving Millennials with no long-term job prospects.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Michael “Jim” Delligatti, the man who created the iconic Big Mac sandwich and unwittingly poisoned generations of Americans, died in his home Monday. He was 98. Though not the name or face most people associate with McDonald’s, Delligatti was the pioneer who perfected one of the fast food giant’s most recognizable items. He opened his first franchise in 1957. He came to own and operate an additional 47 chains, making him one of the largest franchise holders in the company’s annals. Not only did Delligatti introduce the nation to the Big Mac, he also proved instrumental in developing the equally infamous breakfast fare, making him one of the most prolific, albeit unintentional, killers in American history.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- So-called “wunderkind” Martin Shkreli, a 32-year-old hedge fund manager, was already a controversial and polarizing figure in the world of pharmaceuticals. His deranged antics against a former employee became a social media and legal horror show a few years ago. And Monday, Shkreli stunned the nation up to its highest levels when he led his company, Turing Pharmaceuticals, to raise the price of a life-saving drug by more than 5,000 percent. Despite the public outcry and swift responses from Democrats like Hillary Clinton, Shkreli has become a GOP darling overnight. But who is this enigmatic, pitiless and depraved young cutthroat?

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- A new study of suicide among children under 12 has produced some alarming results. Researchers examined records from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), which tracks mortality and suicide rates, between the years of 1993 and 2012, targeting kids between five and 11 years old. They found that a total of 657 children took their own lives during that time -- an average of 33 per year. Even more distressing, incidents of suicide among black youths have doubled. The study’s lead author attributed the problem to several factors: increased exposure to violence and traumatic stress, early onset of puberty and depression. “Basically,” he explained, “the closer black youngsters get to reaching their teenage years, the more likely they are to perish at the hands -- and gun barrels -- of white police officers. So, that could account for the increased exposure to violence, depression and so forth.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- A high school in Crane, Texas, has found itself battling an epic chlamydia outbreak, according to health officials looking into a rash of recently reported problems. Currently, 300 students at Crane High have been diagnosed with the irritating but highly treatable condition. Members of the Texas educational system seemed confused by the Department of Health’s pronouncement, claiming that the presence of a sexually transmitted disease at the campus is virtually impossible, especially since Madonna has refused to play the senior prom for decades. The school does not offer sexual education -- Crane High instead relies on a faith-based abstinence-only program. “Our kids aren’t having sexual relations,” one administrator said. “It’s a sin, and they know it. The only explanation for this plague is that God has cursed us with the boils of Egypt.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Last August, Walgreens announced its plans for a $1 billion cost-reduction initiative. The largest U.S. drugstore chain upped the ante this Thursday when it revealed the anticipated closure of 200 stores across the nation, a move intended to further boost profits and increase the proposed cost-cutting effort by another $500 million. “After a rigorous analysis, the company has identified additional opportunities for cost savings, primarily in its Retail Pharmacy USA division,” company spokespeople explained in a statement to the press. Reorganizing staff and eliminating overhead expenses were two of the main strategies discussed. However, the decision to shutter 200 points of operation has left many wondering what will become of the workers in those locations. Walgreens vowed that it will not lay off its employees. Instead, the company launched a revolutionary program, patterned off of Uber’s obscenely lucrative business model, which will allow the affected workers to become independent contractors who peddle drugs directly to consumers on the streets.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) relentlessly nattered his way into the history books in 2013 after a 21-hour talkathon that has been labeled a “fauxibuster” because it did not serve to stop a vote over the Affordable Care Act, as a filibuster is intended to do. Inconsequential as his rant may have seemed, the Tea Party darling managed to portray himself as a conservative folk hero for the far-right fringes of the Republican faction. Then, this month, he did something even more bizarre: he enrolled in Obamacare. The newly announced White House contender explained his decision as a sacrifice to illustrate the dangers of socialized medicine to the American people, even though it involves putting his own family at risk. As conservative political experts understand, providing a nation’s people with affordable and universal health coverage inevitably leads to the extermination of millions within an arbitrarily chosen ethnic or religious group. But Cruz wants his constituents to know that he is not all talk. He opposes government handouts. So on Tuesday, he boldly renounced all of the Hitler-esque, taxpayer funded benefits he receives as a member of the U.S. Congress.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Technology today has transcended the need to calculate complicated formulas or automate tedious manual processes, it’s become inextricably integrated into our lifestyles. Smartphones, tablets and laptops have transformed the way we see and interact with our world. But even these much beloved advances can’t escape the law of unintended consequences. In Nicholas Carr’s Pulitzer-nominated 2011 book “The Shallows: What the Internet Is Doing To Our Brains,” neuroscientist Michael Merzenich warned that technology, like any major pharmaceutical, comes with its share of adverse side-effects. He cited a slew of potentially harmful byproducts that included disrupted sleep cycles, weakened memory, poor retention and recall, chronic forgetfulness, and diminished comprehension. But a new Republican-funded study discounts these “dubious and uninformed observations.” While still concluding that today’s technology is dangerous and perhaps deadly, GOP scientists praised Merzenich’s so-called threats as “real societal benefits to the Party.” The problem, they believe, is much more insidious: “The real peril is, in fact, uncensored access to vast amounts of information and facts, which are killing the economy and thwarting governmental efforts to keep people on the right path.” The other culprits? Wikis, e-cigarettes, Internet porn and digital books.