Tuesday, January 10, 2017

GOP Fears Mexico Wall May Impede Trump’s Cocaine Supply


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On January 6, President-elect Donald Trump spent 17 relentless hours on Twitter informing the public of every thought in his head. Trump, as reporter-in-chief, delivers minute-by-minute developments of all things Trump. However, as any tireless journalist can attest, live coverage of this magnitude is often unsustainable. Political analysts believe the growing reluctance of GOP legislators to support the Mexico border wall is directly related: the structure could impose tremendous impediments to Mexican drug cartels who supply Trump with the cocaine he needs to stay sharp and ever-present on social media.

Trump's Bump for America

Just as we must accept that a reality television star and habitually bankrupt business magnate secured the highest office in the land, we must also acknowledge that the traditional White House press platform has migrated to Twitter. Donald Trump “doesn’t need no stinking” media corps, to paraphrase a famous line from The Treasure of the Sierra Madre; he can handle it himself in 140 characters or less, on Twitter, in real time.

Trump’s command of social reporting is prodigious. As the Palmer Report observed on Friday, Trump spent 17 continuous hours providing the American public with live updates on an expansive array of topics:

For instance Trump began tweeting at 6am on Friday about the “Great Wall” of Mexico, which quickly became a punchline as “Great Wall” began trending due to the sheer number of Twitter users making fun of him. He then moved on to ranting about how “great” his inauguration will be, even though everyone knows that he’s been turned down by nearly every performer he’s invited. And then for no apparent reason he began trashing Arnold Schwarzenegger and bragging about how unpopular The Apprentice is now; perhaps Trump forgot he’s still the Executive Producer of the show.

Then Trump announced he was running down for an impromptu meeting with Vogue Magazine for some reason, before calling for NBC News to be investigated because it dared to report that the Russians hacked the election his favor. And by 11pm he was ranting about how the Democrats only got hacked because they sucked, and how the Republicans had “strong defense” on their email (that’s not a real thing).

Reminiscent of his razor-sharp performance during the debates with Hillary Clinton, the incoming president sniffled, paced, fidgeted and blustered his way through more than a dozen topics at a frenzied pace -- a feat that even the most prolific journalists would consider daunting.

“Donald Trump is a blessing,” gushed Roger Ailes, former CEO of Fox News and a close Trump ally. “Every media organization I’ve run has required hundreds of resources. We’re talking anchors, reporters, researchers, film crews, assistants, massage therapists, catering services, private security staff, ‘veracity suppression specialists,’ urologists, hackers and so forth. Trying to coordinate all these people and get the news out as it happens was an almost impossible undertaking. I barely had time to grope the sweet, sweet ladies or lampoon the token queer we hired. But Donald, he does it all himself. America’s getting the rawest, most unvarnished story from the horse’s mouth. And he still manages to fit in chauvinistic commentary, racial slurs, homophobic taunts, threats to world leaders and exposing degenerates among us, who cost taxpayers millions in ADA compliance.”

Mexico Wall Threatens Trump’s Wall of Cocaine

The rewards are not without their risks. For Trump to remain alert and active for day-long stretches on Twitter, conventional stimulants fall short. Trump requires heroic amounts of cocaine. Like fellow amateur rapist and chemical enthusiast Bill Cosby, Trump knows that drugs are vital to his work -- particularly cocaine, the substance Steve Bannon refers to as “white power.” But walling off Mexico, the country most committed to running shipments over the border, may have unintended consequences.

Retired Marine Gen. John Kelly, Trump’s choice to head the Department of Homeland Security (DHS), is an unwavering border hawk. The DHS controls key agencies such as Customs and Border Protection, Immigration and Customs Enforcement and the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services. And Kelly is ruthlessly anti-immigration.

In his many testimonies before Congress, Kelly has alerted the nation’s lawmakers to the homeland threats posed by traffickers and smugglers, or “Latinos” as they are known in official security parlance. Kelly first drew the attention of Steve Bannon with his vocal criticism of what he called “Obama’s dangerously weak give-me-your-huddled-masses-melting-pot jive.”

But as Kelly commands the frontlines of border regulation, Trump’s cocaine shipments could be severely hampered.

“At first, tightening the borders made obvious sense,” Bannon said. “We assumed that deporting 11 million migrant beanbags would essentially create 11 million more drug suppliers. I believe it’s the only work available to them back home in Mexico, apart from organizing donkey shows and training rapists. Regretfully, we didn’t plan on how they would return to the States as coke pushers. They can swim, but our intelligence suggests they have difficulty climbing walls -- especially with satchels of coke strapped to their backs or balloons full of the stuff weighing down their intestines.”

“Without a steady flow of yeyo,” Bannon added, “Trump don’t get his bump.” The result could be a devastating lapse in honest, real-time reporting from the president-elect, leaving the public with only fake news coverage from dubious outlets such as Associated Press and Reuters.

Bannon also pointed out the incredible sacrifices Trump has made to assure that genuine reporting takes place during his presidency -- and not merely in the sense of long hours on Twitter.

“Cocaine is not something to be trifled with,” explained Dr. Samuel Saahboehns, senior medical director at San Narciso County General Hospital.

“Mr. Trump is well aware of the jeopardy to his health and wellbeing, but he knows that educating the American people is more important. You can already see the effects that years of cocaine have taken: the sallow, putrid, jaundiced flesh; the stunted growth of his sausage-link digits; and the wispy, tragic hair. But that’s not all. According to the National Institute of Drug Abuse, prolonged cocaine use can lead to increased irritability, restlessness, panic attacks, paranoia and even a full-blown psychosis, in which the individual loses touch with reality and experiences auditory hallucinations. As we’ve seen from recent appearances, it’s clear that Mr. Trump has ventured into these later stages.”

Canada Could Become Trump’s “Upper Mexico” Coke Connection

Given the possibility of removing Mexico from the table, Bannon said his team has been targeting prospects north of the border in Canada.

“The wall to the north extends only across French-speaking provinces,” Bannon stated. “France is a Latin culture, so it’s problematic to us. The French are also weak. They let Germany steamroll them in a couple of days. Napoleon came apart at Waterloo, which, the Roman Empire teaches us, is what happens when you put an Italian in charge of territorial disputes with Germans. And of course, ISIS blows up Paris regularly. But there’s never been an attack by Islamic extremists on Canada or the United States under a conservative regime. Bush doesn’t count. Now that his family’s cozied up to the Clintons, they no longer qualify as conservatives.”

Bannon also marveled at Canada’s legacy of allowing the drug-addled an opportunity to rule. He recalled Rob Ford, the 64th mayor of Toronto. Ford, whose mayoral term was plagued by drunken stupors and erratic crack-induced antics, managed to lead the country’s most populous city for four years. Bannon said amphetamines played a crucial role.

“It didn’t matter to Ford what the drugs were,” Bannon said. “A-bombs, ames, booger sugar, smack, X or even krokodil, it didn’t matter what was sprinkled across the coffee table. At 19, this guy was slipping roofies to hobos behind a Tim Hortons and making split roasts in casino toilets. Then, bam! He’s a successful mayor, in charge of Canada’s biggest metropolis.”

Ford passed away in 2016. Bannon compared him to Tinkerbell, a “precious and fragile pixie who can die if people stop believing in them.” Without the crack-fueled exploits and haze of narcotics sharpening his judgment, Ford simply fell out of the public eye. As a result, he became forgotten and faded away. Bannon worries the same fate may befall Trump if the incoming president loses his grasp on social media.

“Whatever we do, we must keep Trump revved up and vibrant,” Bannon emphasized. “And that means more coke. Detractors can question the decision all they want. This is about the success of the nation, not moral dickering. Look, we’ve all got skeletons in our closet. Trump, literally -- along with cases of empty amoxicillin bottles and donor urine specimens.”

(c) 2017. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. All articles are works of satire. See disclaimers.

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