SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- As Donald Trump’s campaign continues to implode in a never-ending stream of misogynistic and racist rhetoric, the apologies for which often seem worse, the Republican presidential candidate may have new woes to face during the holidays. A seat on the dock awaits Trump, as he will be forced to testify in a lawsuit alleging that he raped a teenage girl at a party in 1994. The case actually had been submitted three times before, but the court dismissed the filings because of clerical errors -- possibly due to the young victim writing her grievance in crayon. The latest batch of documents passed muster, however, and a date has been set for mid December. Trump immediately insinuated that the charges were part of the insidious war on Christmas and denied any wrongdoing. His attorney, Alan Garten, called the accusations “reckless, irresponsible and categorically untrue.” He said Mr. Trump would not be commenting further, “because it gives credibility.” Interestingly, such statements would mark the first time Trump said anything credible.
Playing the Trump Card...in a Game of Go FishProsecutors will not release the name of the plaintiff for her protection. “She’s already been raped by Donald Trump and one of his buddies,” an attorney said. “We certainly don’t want her getting raped again by Trump’s abusive mouth and the reporters at Fox News.”
Cheney Mason, the lawyer who defended Casey Anthony, verified that the allegations are based on “two corroborating witnesses.” Lending further credence to the victim’s claims is that the incident took place inside the home of Jeffrey Epstein, a close friend of Trump and a convicted pedophile.
Back in 2002, Trump lavished tremendous praise on Epstein, the secretive, child-diddling money manager.
I’ve known Jeff for fifteen years. Terrific guy! He’s a lot of fun to be with. It is even said that he likes beautiful babies as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side. Probably actual babies. Infants, I mean. But who doesn’t love kids? I love my kids. Ivanka is really something. What a beauty. If I weren’t happily married for the third time and, ya know, her father, perhaps I’d be dating her. Hell, Woody Allen got away with it, right? I did get to change her diapers, which means I got to grab that p***y before anyone else. What was I talking about? Oh, Jeff. No doubt about it. Jeffrey enjoys his social life.
Unfortunately for Trump, it will be difficult to find a jury that hasn’t already been jaded by his incessant braggadocio about sexually assaulting women -- or lusting after his own daughter. There will be no shortage of people who, after these creepy boasts, would question his capacity to rape a teen 22 years ago. Or today. Maybe even a family member.
”Reckless, Irresponsible and Categorically Untrue” -- Trump, Not the AccusationsFurther complicating Trump’s professed innocence in the rape is his association with other known rapists of young women. Jeff Epstein aside, Trump has also been linked to Bill Cosby. Two years ago, the failed-businessman-turned-failing-politician offered the comedian-turned-molester some advice. Having weathered countless sex scandals himself over the years, Trump must have felt oddly qualified to extol words of wisdom.
“Well, I think it’s very sad, and frankly I don’t think he’s handling it well,” Trump told reporters at the time. “I think he’s getting very bad advice from his PR team, and he should say something because he’s being accused of very bad things. He’s a celebrity. He can have whatever he wants. If he’s drugging women and sucking their toes without consent, he can do that. He can grab their p***ies. He just needs to deny everything, lie and keep lying until the media goes away. His fans will always believe him. This is just locker room talk -- well, more like locker room antics. Locker room stuff. It’s nothing.”
Trump went on to describe Cosby as godlike, attributing the spate of virgin births that flourished in the 1970s and 80s to the creepy comic. Psychologists refute the claim, yet admit some similarities. Like the Old Testament God, Cosby can be credited with inducing a dreamlike state on his intended vessels and then having his way with them. Trance like, to some extent. His prey could only cite a vague resume of the events that occurred, but no victims clearly remembered their personal interactions with him throughout these encounters.
“It was like a dream being with him,” one woman confessed. “Just hazy recollections. And after he left, I felt a strange aching in my body.”
Perhaps not coincidentally, the country experienced a measurable rise in fundamentalism during that era.
Donald Trump also admitted to a campaign of aggressive sexual stalking in the same decade. After gloating about dodging the Vietnam draft in a 1997 interview with Howard Stern, Trump compared his playboy antics to armed overseas conflict, asserting that the risks of contracting sexually transmitted diseases from his indiscriminate dalliances posed the same dangers as the hellish jungle conditions that took the lives of 60,000 U.S. soldiers.
President PredatorAlthough they despise the sexually immoral legacies of Kennedy and Clinton, over 30 percent of conservative Americans long to see this particular predator in office. Trump could very well lose his trial, but that may not impact his election. Voting takes place in early November. Trump’s court appearance is scheduled for December. Whatever the outcome, Trump continues to maintain his innocence, and insists that the charges are part of a larger conspiracy against him, likely orchestrated by Hillary Clinton and liberal media.
“Look, none of this happened,” Trump said. “Just like my other comments about kissing women without consent or grabbing their cooters. Locker room talk. Everyone involved knows it. And this girl, whatever her name is, she knows that when I pushed her down and touched her, it was just locker room antics. Nothing serious. Just locker room antics.”
“It’s insane,” he added. “Roman Polanski drugged and raped a 13-year-old girl. He did. Five counts against him. She was two years older than the girl I raped. I mean, 13, that’s practically an adult in most countries. Old enough to bleed, know what I’m saying? But what did he get? A bunch of Academy Awards and a swanky chateau in Switzerland or some place that makes chocolate. What do I get? Well, hopefully the presidency.”
(c) 2016. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. All articles are works of satire. See disclaimers.