Thursday, October 27, 2016

Trump Pledges End to Halloween Handout Culture

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Why do we continue to glorify a holiday that rewards filthy beggars? It’s the question Donald Trump now wants answered. Halloween, to most families, is a jovial celebration of the harvest -- an innocent day of mirth, confections and good-natured displays of dress-up. But to Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump, the day has become a truly horrifying affair. In his latest stump speech, Trump vowed to reform or end this “depraved welfare holiday,” which sends a terrifying message to impressionable youth: that our society will reward grubby, lazy moochers who are looking for handouts -- and that anyone with twenty dollars can purchase an insulting costume of Donald Trump and parade foolishly around town, slandering his impeccable reputation.

Halloween, a Hallmark of America’s Fall from Greatness

We now exist in a country that no longer resembles the vision of the Founding Fathers, according to Trump’s campaign team: “The wealthy industrialists who built this nation have fallen into peril, and the lazy and blasphemous masses are sucking them dry for undeserved health benefits, wage increases, rights for sodomites, and the destruction of pious institutions like Christian megachurches and Amazon and Uber.”

Halloween, they believe, has come to symbolize this departure from core American values. It’s not that Halloween pays tribute to the enemies of morality and faith, although it does, it’s that the essence of the celebration encourages young people to travel door-to-door and demand treats under the ultimatum of grave threats.

“This dangerous socialist model should not be glorified,” a Trump spokesman explained. “Children need to understand that if the privileged are allowed to have more candy, that candy will trickle down to them. If we impose new regulations and tax increases, for example, that big house in your neighborhood may end up with only six Crunch bars. After a half dozen needy kids take theirs, giving nothing back in return, there remains a mile-long line of others who will get nothing. And in the end, the rich and the poor are left with empty cupboards. The neighborhood falls into decay. Anarchy is loosed upon the world. The End Times.”

Taking Back Halloween: Rewarding the Harvest, Rejecting the Handouts

Before striking the holiday from the calendar, Trump has pledged to transform Halloween into a valuable life lesson. It would begin with giving all the candy to the well-heeled. Next, the pernicious “trick-or-treat” system should be replaced by a process that aligns with “equal rewards for equal work” -- the example Trump has set his entire career, and which forms the cornerstone of his Make America Great doctrine.

“If some wild, aimless kids darken your porch on October 31, make them sweep up the leaves, trim the lawn, carry out the trash or darn the holes in your $1,500 pair of Cervelt socks,” Trump said. “The more work they perform, the more candy -- within reasonable limits -- they’ll receive. But we gotta set a minimum wage on how much candy we have to give them. We also shouldn’t be forced to provide them with breaks or time off. The folks handing out the candy are still working, why shouldn’t these freeloading hobos?”

Trump describes this approach as a mutually beneficial and symbiotic arrangement, where every contributor wins.

“Those slacker ghosts and goblins who refuse to earn their share won’t get a damn share,” Trump added. “And I’ll deport them, I’ll make them leave the neighborhood to become a burden on some other social system. Like Germany. Let that b***h Merkel take ‘em in and spread them around with the Syrians who are already trick-or-treating every damn day in her emasculated Fatherland. Fat cow, who would ever want to grab that p***y?”

Adults, Trump suggested, should wear outfits that both frighten and educate naïve trick-or-treaters. He recommended that parents dress as Janet Reno, Fidel Castro (during his time as an American college student), Jimmy Carter, crack whores lined up for welfare checks, abortion-crazed Planned Parenthood Nazis, Harvey Milk, Occupy Wall Street protesters, IRS staffers, environmentalists, a zombie Cesar Chavez urging hordes of undead immigrants across the borders, or Hillary Clinton sporting what appears to be a Charlie Chaplin mustache, with the severed heads of her political enemies on a pike.

“No lesson is to be learned from Wonder Woman or Robin Hood,” Trump declared.

The presidential contender has urged parents and concerned Republicans, the three who still support him, to reclaim this holiday as an opportunity to scare kids straight, and, as Trump advised, “to teach them that a government for the people is a false, BS, communist concept that ultimately fails all of the people. Now that’s a scary story. And if the people of America don’t shape up, I’ll just cancel Halloween forever. You can do that as president. Just start taking s**t away. Don’t even ask, just start taking. Go right up to those bratty girls in their Harley Quinn outfits and grab their candy, if you know what I mean. Get your hands on a Bit-O-Honey or those sweet, sweet Mounds.”

Trump Blames Halloween Costumes for Alleged Sexual Assaults

In a related development, officials from the Trump camp are now invoking Halloween as a defense against the rising number of women who have accused the candidate of sexual assault. They claim that Trump’s popularity caused a spike in the sale of masks and costumes that bear his likeness, and that people disguised as Trump are perpetrating the acts.

The campaign said, in a prepared statement: “Any women who were groped, prodded, kissed, grabbed by the genitals or even raped were not the victims of Donald Trump -- they were the victims of disgusting perverts who just happened to look identical to Donald Trump.”

(c) 2016. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. All articles are works of satire. See disclaimers.

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