SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- This Monday, many U.S. citizens paid tribute to the day when indigenous native Americans discovered an inept Italian adventurer lost at sea with a small fleet of Spanish ships. That navigationally challenged captain was Christopher Columbus, whose voyage to India landed him in North America on October 12, 1492. In San Narciso County, the annual Columbus Day reenactment ceremonies have bolstered the local economy with an influx of Southern Californians who gather at the Battersea Field in Kinneret to enjoy a variety of beverages, delicacies and the Integration of the Indigenous Peoples commemoration. Every year, demonstrators -- primarily historians from the college -- attempt to protest the ceremony. However, after learning that Donald Trump would be attending the festivities, Mayor Manny DiPresso increased security and issued warnings that all women actors dressed as squaws wear long, fully closed costumes in lieu of revealing loincloths.
Integration of the Indigenous Peoples Celebration: Too Racist and Not Racist EnoughSince the 1970s, San Narciso County has staged an elaborate historical reenactment of Columbus’ critical role in bringing what the Ayn Rand institute called “reason, science, self-reliance, individualism, ambition and productive achievement” to a people who were based in “primitivism, mysticism and collectivism.”
But despite noble intentions, the event is generally fraught and plagued with criticism from both sides of the political spectrum. Progressives decry it as too racist, while conservatives complain that it’s not racist enough.
In the Integration of the Indigenous Peoples ceremony, volunteers dressed as sparsely equipped Native Americans fight a horde of steel-fortified and heavily armed European soldiers. After about four minutes, Columbus and his armies leave the bloody field to the delight of the crowd, ushering in an era of progress, freedom and equality for all Americans. The five surviving Indians then serve visitors food and drink while passing out flyers that encourage, among other seemingly unrelated things, heterosexual rights, outsourced overseas labor and a movement to officially ban Catholicism from classification as a Christian sect.
Criticizing those opposing the festivities, Mayor DiPresso said: “Unfortunately, a small group of liberal protesters from outside the county has chosen to defile the true birth of our nation by claiming that Columbus Day celebrates an American genocide.”
In reality, Christopher Columbus represents opportunity, free trade and liberation from the shackles of corrupt monarchies, DiPresso emphasized.
“Sure, there were a few casualties, but on both sides; I find it hard to believe Columbus was greeted as a liberator. And we all know how that plays out,” the mayor added. “Also, Columbus thought he’d landed in India. If we staged a modern interpretation of the event, where Columbus brings down the world capital of outsourcing and the loss of American jobs, I bet everyone would be on board. I think these planned demonstrations are a bit hypocritical.”
Tea Party Also Opposes CelebrationIn an unexpected announcement, local Tea Party chairman F. Chester Greene issued a statement to the mayor’s office advising against the Columbus Day event, bemoaning the detriment of this grossly misunderstood and disingenuous holiday.
It’s bad enough appropriating our taxes to give government offices a paid day off while the rest of us in private enterprise push ahead to grow the economy they’ve destroyed. And frankly, I could care less about unproven historical conspiracies or outrageous accusations of genocide. Genocide happens in places like Africa and Bosnia and the Middle East. Seriously, when has a Western superpower decimated an entire population or taken over somebody else’s home?
That money should be creating tax breaks for corporations, fighting gay marriage and exonerating the Wall Street job creators who are under siege from a misinformed bunch of communist college students. Franklin Roosevelt, noted socialist and Soviet sympathizer, dragged this awful holiday onto the books during his failed watch over the country. We’re still fighting to clean up the mess this cripple left on our shores.
Trump Endorses Integration of the Indigenous Peoples DayDonald Trump, by way of a spokesperson, applauded the county’s efforts to accurate reimagine a misinterpreted holiday. Inside sources said that Mr. Trump, when president, could replace traditional Columbus Day observations with similar Integration of the Indigenous Peoples fetes. The campaign representative released the following statement prepared by Trump.
I’ve never understood Columbus Day. I mean, what is it? A holiday about a sailor? Well, after participating in this unique celebration, I’ve learned a lot. I feel a little like Christopher Columbus myself. Like I’ve discovered something. And it pairs well with my views.
In his letters, Columbus wrote that the Indians were “so naive and so free with their possessions that no one who has not witnessed them would believe it. When you ask for something they have, they never say no. To the contrary, they offer to share with anyone.” This kind of communist hoo-haw is exactly why they went extinct, and why Columbus was instrumental in shaping the course of this nation. Nowadays, descendants of that silly race have learned to run casinos and be part of the American dream. Operating casinos is one of the greatest jobs you can have. The Indians that don’t take part, they squat in their ghetto reservations, get drunk and commit suicide. Which is what every inner city minority on welfare should do if they’re not going to get jobs and contribute.
Columbus also documented their mating rituals. “Marriage laws are non-existent; men and women alike choose their mates and leave them as they please, without offense, jealousy or anger.” Hell, that would’ve made my life a lot easier. Getting married three times, cheating and then divorcing -- that’s an exhausting and expensive way to live.
But you know, for all that, Columbus had problems. Here were a bunch of brown people coming over the borders, taking jobs away and spreading a dangerous religion. Sound familiar? You bet it does. He said that with fifty men he could subjugate those immigrants and make them do whatever he wanted. I get that. When you’re famous and powerful, you can do whatever you want. I bet he grabbed a lot of sweet Pocahontas p***y. The thing is, Columbus followed through. He didn’t stand on his stage wearing a frumpy woman’s pantsuit, defending a rapist husband, talking out his ass about reforms without solid plans, or erasing 33,000 emails -- no, Columbus took care of business. He wiped out the savages and paved the way for modern American prosperity and equality. He made America great. And our current crop of idiot leaders don’t have the same balls. Well, I do. I’m going to be the next Christopher Columbus, and I will make America great again.
(c) 2016. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. All articles are works of satire. See disclaimers.