Monday, October 24, 2016

Apple’s iPhone8 Revealed: A Radical, Unexpected Redesign

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On the tenth anniversary of the original iPhone, Apple is poised to disrupt the industry again -- with a smart device that allows real-time, bi-directional communication. Apple plans to unveil a completely redesigned model to honor the product that ignited a mania that’s gripped this nation ever since. Not only has the appearance been dramatically overhauled, the next generation model promises users an unexpected and radical surprise in core functionality. Tim Cook, the company’s CEO, has fought an uphill battle to maintain the powerful momentum fueled by the vision of Steve Jobs. On Monday, he tentatively announced a breakthrough that even test subjects couldn’t foresee. “The new iPhone 8 will revolutionize the way lifestyle devices connect us to our world,” Cook said. “Forget social media and digital messaging. This new prototype will allow you to speak directly to any person by simply entering a 10-digit identification code.”

Talk to Anyone in Real Time: iPhone 8 Now Does Everything

Like most 18-year-olds in San Narciso County, Ty Ostrid of Santa Calcetines prides himself on staying current with emerging trends in technology. That’s why Ostrid was elated to receive an invitation from Apple to participate in the iPhone 8’s beta testing.

“I’ve been a bit of an Apple fanboy,” Ostrid said. “And as I begin college, Apple’s products are going to help me with school and keep from getting bored. But I had no idea just what Tim Cook had been planning with this new phone. Just, wow, mind blown!”

“You know,” he added, “I used to think you could do nearly everything on an iPhone -- read books, play games, listen to music, email your family, manage your social networks, shoot video for YouTube and a whole bunch of other things. But now, I realize they can do everything. There are no limits. No more uncanny valleys to cross with this baby.”

Ostrid’s revelation came while he was “slogging” his way through a marathon session of Pokemon Go. The device, he explained, emitted a “weird sort of musical noise.” The unfamiliar sound, it turned out, was a live incoming call from his aunt.

Ostrid, who confesses to remaining slightly amazed at the discovery, explained: “On the display was a picture of my aunt and her name. This big green button told me to answer. So I pressed it. Next thing you know -- I kid you not -- I’m talking to my aunt. I mean, it’s her. Live. It’s not Siri reading an email back to me. My folks told me how people used to have telephones in their houses and would talk directly to other people, but holy s**t. I had no idea the iPhone could do that.”

As Ostrid finished the conversation with his aunt, still reeling from the shock, he immediately told all the other testers about the incident.

“And that was crazy weird too,” Ostrid said. “I had been texting them the whole time, but then I realized I could walk right up and talk to them. What the hell? There’s all this stuff in the world I just didn’t know about.”

Ostrid believes these new, more direct forms of interpersonal communication could catch on, but he still reserves some skepticism.

“It’s totally awesome and stuff, but change is slow, right? Maybe things’ll move in that direction,” he pondered. “For now, I’ll keep playing with it. I’m thinking of starting a website to promote the idea. Get a bunch of beta users together and put them in a room to see what happens. I had sort of a killer name: Dialogger 2.0. We’ll see. It’s all so overwhelming. It’s not easy to stop communicating in the normal way. Communication is second nature; it’s inherent in us. Ever try picking up a new language? It’s rough, man. But I’m thinking Cook may have found a way to kill Facebook. And that’d be freaking sweet.”

Tim Cook’s Cinderella Story? He May Finally Have Filled Jobs’ Glass Slipper

Tim Cook has struggled to fulfill the legacy cemented by Apple’s formidable founder, Steve Jobs. And his journey has been fraught. At every step, it seems that Cook’s progress has been interrupted by a series of humiliating setbacks.

Just days after 2011’s New Year’s festivities, a bug discovered in iPhone and iPod Touch devices kept alarms from sounding, while archaic analog clocks continued to ring without viruses or disruptions. Apple advised that the glitch would correct itself by Monday, January 3, but consumer groups reported persistent problems. As a result, millions of Americans failed to wake up for nearly three days, causing an unprecedented number of unexcused absences in businesses across the country. Even worse, attendance at New Year’s Day bowl games and parades fell to historic lows, crippling the already embattled economy.

In September 2012, Apple’s faulty and highly criticized Maps application almost cost a man his life when the system mistook a tiger cage in the Bronx Zoo for a restroom. According to zoo officials, a 25-year-old leaped from a monorail-type tram and landed in a tiger habitat. One of the deadly cats immediately mauled the man, causing severe injury to his leg and foot. The hapless victim also suffered deep lacerations to his back.

“You know, I’d just bought this stupid, f------, piece of s--- iPhone 5 and thought I’d use the new map thing the hermaphrodite Apple genius was all hot and bothered about,” the man explained during his convalescence in the hospital. “So, I spin up the app and it shows a bathroom right below me. It wasn’t that far down, and I wasn’t going to p--- myself on the train, so I jumped off. Right into a f------ tiger feeding frenzy. What else was I going to do? According to Apple Maps, the only other toilets in all of New York were on Hart Island, the A train outta Queens, and Flatbush. Like, literally, the entire community of Flatbush. One big outhouse. And I guess that makes some sense.”

Apple spokespeople created further public relations issues when they offered self-serving expressions of sympathy for the victim, calling his travails superficial compared to the company’s loss of Steve Jobs.

“Without Steve’s vision and commitment to quality, this is the best we’re going to be from now on. The government’s always talking about the problem of joblessness. They have no idea,” the spokesperson said.

As a goodwill gesture, Apple sent Victoria’s Secret beauty Doutzen Kroes to the hospital by limousine to deliver the mauling victim a $10 iTunes gift card with a handwritten note from Cook that read, “iSorry.”

And of course, as some recall, there was the disastrous iPhone Homonym in 2013, which was aborted shortly after its ill-gotten conception. Given the excitement and awe generated by the iPhone 8 in early trials, it could be that Tim Cook has finally found his groove.

(c) 2016. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. All articles are works of satire. See disclaimers.

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