BREAKING NEWS

Monday, April 24, 2017

Millennials Defy ‘Lazy’ Stereotype, Mobilize to Save Filthy Park Where Most Lost Their Virginity

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SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Concealed by a canopy of massive eucalyptus trees that line Bennington Vale’s Andover tract is Donkey Dell Park -- a forgettable, squalid, dingy patch of grass that had its sod laid before construction of the first homes began in the late 1960s. While most residents in San Narciso visit the county’s sprawling recreational areas to swim, play tennis, exercise, ride horses or just enjoy a warm day in a beautiful setting, the teens of Bennington Vale seldom stray from Donkeydell Park. Despite its unfortunate name -- the origins of which have remained a source of dispute and mystery for decades -- Donkeydell endures as a nostalgic oasis for neighborhood millennials. The park happens to be the fetid, nasty place where most of them lost their virginity -- and where, according to their parents, they were also conceived. But government officials want to close it down. Local millennials refuse to let that happen without a fight.

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Bill O’Reilly Ousted for Sexual Harassment, Trump Suggests Miki Agrawal as Replacement

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SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Bill O’Reilly’s ouster from Fox News, amid revelations of a costly sexual harassment cover up, has also put President Trump in an awkward and embarrassing predicament. At the end of March, Trump declared April 2017 to be National Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Some progressive opponents accepted the gesture, hoping for an earnest commitment from the White House, even if politically motivated. Others derided the president’s sentiments as ironic and brazen, citing examples of his misogynistic exploits, including a public defense of O’Reilly. When questioned about Trump’s support of O’Reilly, Press Secretary Sean Spicer reluctantly admitted that the president’s intent with National Sexual Assault Awareness Month was to honor the “perverts, rapists and sexual predators who represent the values of America’s great leadership, and who have fueled a thriving patriarchy that created the most powerful nation in the world.”

Monday, April 17, 2017

Pence Warns North Korea of Trump’s Military Resolve: “He Won’t Hesitate to Kill Us All”

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SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- President Donald Trump frittered away Easter Sunday at the noticeably sparse Easter Egg Roll on the South Lawn of the White House. During the celebration, the 139th of its kind, Trump belittled the audience, bullied adoring children, complained that the predominantly pubescent attendees (girls over the age of 13) offered little in the way of “Easter eye candy,” and disappointed revelers who discovered only pillow mints from Trump hotels inside their plastic eggs. Meanwhile, Vice President Mike Pence traveled to the Korean Peninsula to warn Kim Jong-un against testing Trump’s willingness to launch preemptive strikes in response to threats. “I urge North Korea not to question the strength of the Armed Forces of the United States in this region, nor our president’s itchy trigger finger,” Pence said. “He’ll do it. He’ll press the button. He’ll kill us all.”

Thursday, April 13, 2017

White House Says Trump Desperate to Start World War III Before Russia Investigation Ends

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SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Just two days after firing a barrage of Tomahawk missiles at Syria, the United States dropped the GBU-43/B Massive Ordnance Air Blast (MOAB), colloquially dubbed the “Mother of All Bombs,” on a cave complex controlled by Islamic State militants in Afghanistan. Intelligence sources also confirmed on Thursday that naval destroyers had positioned themselves about 300 miles from strategic targets in North Korea. When questioned about the increasingly aggressive military actions sanctioned by Trump this week, White House officials emphasized the “now unavoidable need to start World War III before this Russia investigation wraps up.”

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Spicer Fumbles Apology for Hitler Remarks by Defending Darth Vader and Lord Sauron

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SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer ignited a feverish backlash in the Jewish community on Tuesday when he invoked a defense of Hitler to suggest that Syrian President Bashar al-Assad’s atrocities surpassed those of the Nazis. Spicer’s ill-timed comments took place during Passover, the most celebrated Jewish holiday in the United States. Critics pointed out that these seemingly insensitive remarks were part of a larger anti-Semitic rhetoric used by members of the Trump administration. Late Tuesday evening, in a disastrous attempt to apologize and clarify his intentions, Spicer ended up defending Darth Vader and Lord Sauron. Civil rights groups across the country have since demanded Spicer’s resignation.

Monday, April 10, 2017

United Airlines Says Beaten Passenger Should Have Offered Pepsi to Cops

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SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Early Monday morning, a video emerged showing a passenger being violently ejected from a United Airlines flight headed for Louisville from Chicago. The 69-year-old doctor was forcibly dragged from the overbooked plane when he refused to “voluntarily” give up his seat to accommodate United employees who had arrived late. The extremity of the incident, captured in graphic images, has sparked a Congressional investigation into the air carrier’s compliance with oversales rules. To make matters worse, United’s PR department and CEO released vague and baffling explanations of the passenger’s bloody expulsion, defending the police and ground crew for their hyperbolic handling of the situation. Late Monday evening, facing criticism for its tone-deaf messaging, United provided another clarification, stating that the passenger could have diffused the fraught standoff by offering authorities a Pepsi.

Thursday, April 6, 2017

Trump Weighs Response to Syria Gas Attack, Suggests Closing Off Country Behind Massive Wall

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SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Tuesday, a chemical attack in Syria killed at least 86 civilians, including 30 children and 20 women, according to reports from the Syrian Observatory for Human Rights. The magnitude of the strikes, and the horrific loss of life, forced President Trump to acknowledge the gravity of the vicious genocide unfolding. In a rare departure from the counsel of his unofficial foreign policy adviser, Russian President Vladimir Putin, Trump told members of Congress and Jordan’s King Abdullah II that he may consider retaliatory action: cutting of all financial aid to Jordan, which is using the funds to harbor Syrian refugees, and walling off the country behind a massive fortification along its borders.

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

7 Fascinating Facts About Neil Gorsuch, Who Can Allegedly Deadlift 700 Pounds

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SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The clock is ticking. As both parties in Congress brace for an historic clash over the confirmation of Judge Neil Gorsuch to the Supreme Court, the burning question for most Americans has become, “Who is Neil Gorsuch?” A leaked document that describes the judge’s wild accomplishments outside the courtroom, purported to have been commissioned by President Trump, may provide the answer -- along with tantalizing glimpses into the life of an enigmatic but almost superhuman individual, who can apparently deadlift 700 pounds and create the illusion of levitating objects with his mind.

Monday, April 3, 2017

Pence Orders Special Enclosures to Protect Him When Left Alone with Women

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SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Vice President Mike Pence was attended to by paramedics and briefly hospitalized this weekend, according to eyewitness reports. The incident occurred at a quiet D.C. bistro on Sunday afternoon. Pence arrived for lunch before his wife, and was seated alone by a female server. Without the spiritual protection of his spouse, Mr. Pence was overcome by the lewd aura of the waitress, which culminated in a severe panic attack. Because similar encounters are more likely to occur, given Pence’s expanded role in government, White House officials announced that they would be designing a protective, portable enclosure for the vice president, similar to the popemobile.
 
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