Thursday, April 13, 2017

White House Says Trump Desperate to Start World War III Before Russia Investigation Ends


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Just two days after firing a barrage of Tomahawk missiles at Syria, the United States dropped the GBU-43/B Massive Ordnance Air Blast (MOAB), colloquially dubbed the “Mother of All Bombs,” on a cave complex controlled by Islamic State militants in Afghanistan. Intelligence sources also confirmed on Thursday that naval destroyers had positioned themselves about 300 miles from strategic targets in North Korea. When questioned about the increasingly aggressive military actions sanctioned by Trump this week, White House officials emphasized the “now unavoidable need to start World War III before this Russia investigation wraps up.”

Look at the Explosions, Not the Man Behind the Curtain

President Donald Trump relieved the concerns of his wary and disheartened supporters this week by fully embracing the unfettered, destructive powers accorded to the Commander-in-Chief of America’s military.

On Tuesday, in response to reports that Bashar al-Assad had killed 86 civilians with chemical weapons, Trump ordered the launch of 59 cruise missiles against a Syrian military base. To preserve international relations, he responsibly alerted Putin and al-Assad prior to the launch so they could protect their troops. The symbolic show of force attempted to showcase Trump as the defender of American democracy rather than an authoritarian puppet of nouveau-Soviet rulers.

By all counts, it was successful. Russian warplanes were grounded before the shelling began. And the assault claimed the lives of 18 Syrian fighters allied with the United States, leaving the butchers of al-Assad’s regime unharmed. Trump roused his hawkish, conservative base without jeopardizing the terms of his blackmail with Putin.

On Thursday, Trump then authorized U.S. forces to drop the most powerful conventional bomb in their arsenal on an ISIS stronghold in Afghanistan on Thursday. Hours later, intelligence officials told NBC News that the U.S. had positioned two destroyers within striking distance of North Korean nuclear sites.

Political analysts and foreign policy experts worry that these bellicose actions could incite, rather than quell, greater violence from U.S. enemies. As the New York Times reported: “American commanders in Iraq and Syria have been given more authority to call in strikes, a loosening of the reins that began in the last month of the Obama administration. But some national security experts said that Mr. Trump and the Pentagon risked inflaming anti-American sentiment in the Muslim world with their approach to fighting the Islamic State.”

Representatives for Press Secretary Sean Spicer agreed. “That’s what we’re hoping to achieve,” said Irwin Furston, a member of Spicer’s team. “And sooner rather than later. If we can’t get a full-fledged, extinction-level event going in the next month or so, the Department of Justice is going to finish their report on Trump’s collusion with Russia, after which point he’ll probably die in jail. We’re doing everything we can to make sure the world is blinded to the results of that probe. Literally. A few nukes should do the trick.”

Spicer was unavailable for comment as he had scheduled a belated Seder dinner with Sheldon Adelson, the face of Judaism and undisputed icon of Jewish values, to apologize for his appalling defense of Hitler.

The Glorious Fog of War: Shrouding Failures and Embarrassments

The mounting evidence to suggest that most Trump campaign officials colluded with Russia to hack the election grows each day. The probe has claimed several victims already. Michael Flynn was forced to resign his post. Jeff Sessions and Devin Nunes have been pressured to recuse themselves. As the Associated Press learned, Paul Manafort, Trump’s erstwhile campaign manager, is trying to retroactively register himself under the Foreign Agents Registration Act to avoid legal repercussions for lying about being on the payroll of a foreign government.

And then the Guardian dropped the bombshell that United States intelligence officials have “concrete evidence” of Trump’s collusion with Russia.

One source suggested the official [American] investigation was making progress. “They now have specific concrete and corroborative evidence of collusion,” the source said. “This is between people in the Trump campaign and agents of [Russian] influence relating to the use of hacked material.”

“Trying to provoke an all-out nuclear war is our administration’s only option at this point,” Furston said. “It’s the mother of all nuclear options. Let’s face it, we’ve been lucky enough as it is. Despite Trump’s lies and idiocy and lack of knowledge on any key issues, he hasn’t truly been exposed yet for the absolute fraud he is. Republicans have tolerated his botched health care bill, his ridiculous budget, his imaginary border wall, his vicious attacks against Native Americans to create 35 jobs, his countless business failures and bankruptcies, and his overall illegitimacy as a president and person. This man, if you can even call him that, is a scatalogical King Midas -- everything he touches turns to utter s**t. But when this Russian scandal breaks, and Americans realize they’ve put a traitor in control of the nation’s highest office, well his ego can’t recover from that. Our only option is to scrap everything and start over with a clean, albeit radioactive, slate.”

Furston said that Trump’s closest military advisers are also planning incursions into Iran, China, Germany, Cuba and Libya next week.

“We’re calling it Operation NOW,” he added. “President Trump came up with it. He called it an acronym for ‘no witnesses.’”

(c) 2017. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. All articles are works of satire. See disclaimers.

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