Wednesday, April 5, 2017

7 Fascinating Facts About Neil Gorsuch, Who Can Allegedly Deadlift 700 Pounds


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The clock is ticking. As both parties in Congress brace for an historic clash over the confirmation of Judge Neil Gorsuch to the Supreme Court, the burning question for most Americans has become, “Who is Neil Gorsuch?” A leaked document that describes the judge’s wild accomplishments outside the courtroom, purported to have been commissioned by President Trump, may provide the answer -- along with tantalizing glimpses into the life of an enigmatic but almost superhuman individual, who can apparently deadlift 700 pounds and create the illusion of levitating objects with his mind.

Judge His Heart, Not His Judgment

The nomination of Gorsuch has opened a vicious rift in the already festering partisan divide between Republicans and Democrats in Congress. On Monday, Senate Democrats secured the votes needed to filibuster Gorsuch’s appointment to the seat vacated by deceased Justice Antonin Scalia. Republicans, meanwhile, threatened to change longstanding parliamentary rules to claim a victory for their beleaguered president. The contest is unprecedented. Both parties anticipate a seminal battle on Capitol Hill that could “fundamentally reshape the way the Senate conducts its business,” according to the New York Times.

At issue for Democrats is the judge’s seemingly biased record of decisions, which favor corporations and discrimination. Any candidate approved will hold a lifetime position in the nation’s highest judicial authority. Placing an unqualified or unfit justice on the bench could lead to irreversible damage. This particular fight, however, began in January when Republicans refused to hold confirmation hearings for Judge Merrick Garland, Obama’s choice to replace Scalia. Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer implied that Democrats would retaliate by blocking Trump’s efforts to fill the vacancy with his own selection.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell fired back and branded the Democrats hypocrites for “blocking SCOTUS picks like the GOP.” Democrats, he argued, have consistently set the bar too high for themselves. As a result, the public demands more of them.

“The greater the expectation, the stronger the disappointment,” McConnell said. “When you slink as low to the ground as Republicans do, you don’t have that hard a fall. And when you do collapse into the dirt, it’s never a surprise.”

Political insiders expect the president to make his case for Gorsuch directly to Congress, as he attempted to do with his botched health care plan.

“Senators need to judge his heart, not his judgment,” Trump said. “I mean, if voters based their decisions on my actual record instead of my views or words or self-described accomplishments, I wouldn’t be president. Why focus on failed business dealings, lawsuits, sexual assaults and criminal activities? Those things don’t speak to the soul of the man. I’m asking Congress to peer into Neil’s soul.”

On Tuesday evening, Trump urged senators across the aisle to look past Gorsuch’s rulings and into his “tremendous” character -- his personal, rather than professional, achievements. A list of those feats, allegedly leaked by White House staffers who were tasked with drafting the document, reveals fascinating details about Neil Gorsuch the man.

7 Fascinating, Little Known Facts About Neil Gorsuch

Monster Weight Lifter

Neil Gorsuch, according to the unverified document, is not only a paragon of legislative strength, he is a hulking brute who can deadlift 700 pounds. The material claims that Gorsuch once shattered the desktop of his bench with a gavel when simply trying to call the court into session.

Carny Career

As some accounts in the document indicated, Gorsuch once had two large tattoos etched into his calves. One his left calf was the word “catagelophilia.” On the right, “coulrophilia.” Both were removed by laser in the late 1990s, along with an ink rendering of a Juggalo nun on his “kill hand.”

Sources speculated that Gorsuch commissioned the body art during his brief stint as a carnival performer. He worked the mind-reading and weight-guessing attractions. His predictions were never wrong. Not only had he cracked the secrets behind every David Blaine magic trick, Gorsuch had actually mastered the illusion of levitating objects by telekinesis.

Vice President Mike Pence is Divine

The list claims that Gorsuch has often heralded Mike Pence as a divine entity. The vice president’s hands have been blessed by God with the power to cure ovarian cancer. Unfortunately, Pence has never touched a woman below the waist with his hands.

Gorsuch and the Billy Graham Rule

Like Mike Pence, Neil Gorsuch will never be alone in the company of a woman without Mike Pence’s wife present. The list states that Gorsuch and his wife copulate only for the purposes of procreation, and their two successful endeavors were overseen by Karen Pence. Mike Pence, during these interludes, remained outside the bedroom in prayer and self-flagellation -- mortification of the flesh being an important weekday ritual.

No Litmus Test for Justices

In the first round of Senate Confirmation Hearings, Gorsuch was asked how he would rule in certain controversial cases, or whether the White House had pressured him to adjudicate based on political motivations.

“I have offered no promises on how I’d rule to anyone on any case,” he replied, adding, “I don’t believe in litmus tests for judges.”

The leaked White House document, its authenticity unconfirmed, attested to Gorsuch’s independence and impartiality as a judge.

Neil Gorsuch has a demonstrated record of ruling in favor of laws he himself detests. Sometimes, after submitting his official opinion, Judge Gorsuch reverses his views. His case history is varied and pretty much all over the place. A former student revealed that “Gorsuch told the class that not only could a future employer ask female interviewees about their pregnancy and family plans, companies must ask females about their family and pregnancy plans to protect the company. Judge Gorsuch tied this back to his original comment that companies need to ask these questions in order to protect themselves against female employees.”

However, at the confirmation hearing, Gorsuch indicated that it would be “inappropriate” for an employer to ask such a question. He noted that he was always surprised by how many female students agreed that women seek employment for the sole purpose of getting pregnant and having a child on a company’s dime. This self-loathing and duplicity, he added, is inherent in the female species and explains why women are dangerous demons that society must protect itself from.

The documents further painted the portrait of Gorsuch as so unbiased that he usually has no real opinion. He draws from countless sources and the research of more knowledgeable lawyers, making it unlikely that he would decide a Supreme Court case based on his personal beliefs or bullying from the White House. A new expose in Politico illustrated Gorsuch’s reliance on disparate precedents and viewpoints:

The documents show that several passages from the tenth chapter of his 2006 book, “The Future of Assisted Suicide and Euthanasia,” read nearly verbatim to a 1984 article in the Indiana Law Journal. In several other instances in that book and an academic article published in 2000, Gorsuch borrowed from the ideas, quotes and structures of scholarly and legal works without citing them.

LGBTQ Equality and Corporate Personhood

Gorsuch labeled marriage equality a hollow issue used to rally supporters of liberal agendas. He later praised liberals as a vital part of a true democracy, once again demonstrating his utter lack of predisposed opinions, hard beliefs or bias. “American liberals have become addicted to the courtroom… as the primary means of effecting their social agenda on everything from gay marriage to assisted suicide,” he remarked.

Gorsuch also joined the Tenth Circuit Court’s decision in Hobby Lobby vs. Sebelius, which reiterated that corporations are “people” under federal law and have the right to deny certain benefits that may violate the tenets of their faiths.

In that case, Hobby Lobby reserved the right to refuse employer-sponsored birth control to female employees. The issue, however, is more nuanced according to the White House documents. A Christian-owned business, such as a bakery, could decline to perform services for a gay couple seeking a wedding cake. But a Jewish or Muslim company could not legally ban Christians because these institutions are not legitimate religions. The Jews killed Christ, violating one of the Ten Commandments. Islam is global terror organization that just happens to have religious people in its ranks.

Interestingly, because corporations are people, Gorsuch said they can marry and divorce. The practice of mergers (marriage), acquisitions (adoption) and divestitures (divorce) have been common activities in corporate environments for decades. But Gorsuch could expand the nature of a company’s personhood. For example, a human person could legally wed a company, so long as the union is between a man and woman. Donald Trump could therefore marry Ivanka Trump, which is a female enterprise, and avoid charges of incest.

Frozen Trucker Case and Legislative Purity

Senators grilled Gorsuch over his contentious dissent in a case involving a trucker who abandoned his rig in frigid conditions and was fired. The judge clarified that the law protects employees from termination if they refuse to operate an unsafe vehicle. However, because the trucker unhitched the cargo trailer and drove the cab to safety, he undeniably operated the vehicle.

The White House documents alleged that Gorsuch would have ruled in favor of US Airways had the company decided to fire Captain Sully Sullenberger after the 2009 water landing of a disabled jet in the Hudson River.

“When Captain Sullenberger and his crew first detected signs of trouble, they should have abandoned the aircraft immediately,” the document quoted Gorsuch as saying. “Instead, he continued to operate an unsafe vehicle, crashing an expensive piece of US Airways property into the river, saving the lives of 155 people -- that’s 155 potential lawsuits, not to mention damages to the city and the plane.”

Although Gorsuch expressed sympathy for the trucker, he emphasized his stance as an originalist -- he does not interpret laws, he enforces them as conceived during their original drafting. The frozen trucker dissent is evidence of that.

Gorsuch would apply the same approach to the U.S. Constitution by removing all amendments and reverting to the purity of the initial language, eliminating confusing and misguided protections. By way of example, Article 1, Section 2, Paragraph 3 would be restored to its former glory, relegating African Americans back to their three-fifths of a person status. However, if an African American business opened, it would be deemed a full person under Citizens United.

(c) 2017. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. All articles are works of satire. See disclaimers.

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