The Bennington Vale Evening Transcript: Politics

Showing posts with label Politics. Show all posts

Wednesday, July 4, 2018

Trump Orders White House Evacuation, Citing Threat of Independence Day Attacks by Illegal Aliens

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SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Panicked White House staffers reported that President Trump directly curtailed planned Independence Day celebrations to order an evacuation of the grounds early Wednesday morning, citing an alien threat. Interns described the president’s behavior as erratic. “His mannerisms were more deranged than usual, and he was spewing delusions about invasions and annihilation,” one said. Secret Service initially believed Trump had procured evidence of a massive, possibly hostile attack from immigrants and civil rights activists who have been protesting the internment of children separated from their parents at the controversial Casa Padre facility in Texas. But sources now claim that Trump’s actions came in response to an airing of the 1996 film “Independence Day,” which he mistook for “intel from the future collected by NSA ‘precogs.’”

Bizarre Details of James Comey’s Public Testimony Leaked to Press

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Former FBI Director James Comey, whom Donald Trump unceremoniously discharged nearly a month ago, is set to take the stand in a public testimony on Thursday, during which time he will reveal the sensitive and fraught communications he shared with the president between January and May. CNN has already described the event as the “Super Bowl” of Washington politics. Comey’s revelations will likely raise the stakes for this troubled administration. White House staffers and counsel have gathered to prepare an aggressive defense, which intimates that Comey has a powerful story to tell. Despite the anxiety and speculation, some details have been leaked to the Evening Transcript.

Trump Wishes Israel a 'Rad Summer' in Guestbook Note at Holocaust Memorial

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Touring the site of Yad Vesham, a national Holocaust memorial in Israel, is a customary stop for U.S. presidential visits. The mood is generally somber and contemplative, as reflected in the heartfelt messages left by previous heads-of-state in the guestbook. Following tradition, President Donald Trump also made an entry on the pages of this historic ledger, but in a style the Washington Post described as “strangely upbeat, self-referential and written in his signature all-caps.” Unlike his predecessor, who penned an emotional and elegant tribute, Trump seemed to have confused the record for a yearbook and wished Israel a “rad summer with bitchin waves.”

TASS Grants U.S. Press Access to Monitoring Devices Planted in Oval Office

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The day after President Trump fired FBI Director James Comey in a startling and virtually unprecedented decision, he raised further suspicion by hosting a closed-door meeting with Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov and Ambassador Sergey Kislyak -- during an active investigation into his possible collusion with Moscow. More troubling, the White House blocked U.S. reporters from attending the conference but allowed members of TASS, Russia’s state-controlled news agency, to be present. Intelligence officials condemned the action as a major security breach, explaining that Russian crews could have brought in concealed electronic monitoring apparatus. But in a largess to the beleaguered U.S. press, TASS has agreed to give American journalists access to the live-streaming audio and video devices it planted in the Oval Office last week.

Trump Met Russian Officials for Expert Advice on Replacing Comey as FBI Director

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- President Trump’s abrupt decision to fire FBI Director James Comey on Tuesday evening, as the probe into Russia’s interference with the election deepens, has raised the hackles of virtually every person outside the president’s circle of trust. Comey’s dramatic ouster as the nation’s chief law enforcement authority, who was deep in the middle of a sensitive investigation that could extend to Trump, casts further doubts on the president’s denials that no ties exist between his White House and the Kremlin. With Department of Justice and intelligence officials convinced that Russia meddled in U.S. affairs, Mr. Trump’s ill-timed, closed-door meeting with Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov on Wednesday only intensified the scrutiny. But following the private conversation in the Oval Office, White House press representatives allayed public fears and explained that Trump was consulting with Moscow to help select the next director of the FBI -- someone intimately familiar with Russia to better lead the investigation.

Trump Now Says Andrew Jackson Could Have Prevented the Civil War, Pearl Harbor and 9/11

Additional reporting by Michael Livingston

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- President Trump waxed philosophical about Andrew Jackson and the Civil War during a critically panned interview broadcast Monday on satellite radio. Among his rambling and often non-sequitur musings, Trump clung to his accusations of being wiretapped by the Obama administration, questioned why Americans sat idly while the Civil War erupted, and sympathized with Andrew Jackson’s outrage over the divisive conflict, even though the seventh president died 16 year prior. On Tuesday, Trump tried to defend his odd remarks in a fresh tweet, but double-downed on his claims that Jackson had some mysterious insight to the battle yet-to-come. This afternoon, Mr. Trump again sought to clarify his stance on Old Hickory, revealing that Jackson could have stopped the Civil War, the assassination of James Garfield, the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor, September 11 and Canada’s hostile annexation of Burger King.

Pence Warns North Korea of Trump’s Military Resolve: “He Won’t Hesitate to Kill Us All”

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SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- President Donald Trump frittered away Easter Sunday at the noticeably sparse Easter Egg Roll on the South Lawn of the White House. During the celebration, the 139th of its kind, Trump belittled the audience, bullied adoring children, complained that the predominantly pubescent attendees (girls over the age of 13) offered little in the way of “Easter eye candy,” and disappointed revelers who discovered only pillow mints from Trump hotels inside their plastic eggs. Meanwhile, Vice President Mike Pence traveled to the Korean Peninsula to warn Kim Jong-un against testing Trump’s willingness to launch preemptive strikes in response to threats. “I urge North Korea not to question the strength of the Armed Forces of the United States in this region, nor our president’s itchy trigger finger,” Pence said. “He’ll do it. He’ll press the button. He’ll kill us all.”

White House Says Trump Desperate to Start World War III Before Russia Investigation Ends

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Just two days after firing a barrage of Tomahawk missiles at Syria, the United States dropped the GBU-43/B Massive Ordnance Air Blast (MOAB), colloquially dubbed the “Mother of All Bombs,” on a cave complex controlled by Islamic State militants in Afghanistan. Intelligence sources also confirmed on Thursday that naval destroyers had positioned themselves about 300 miles from strategic targets in North Korea. When questioned about the increasingly aggressive military actions sanctioned by Trump this week, White House officials emphasized the “now unavoidable need to start World War III before this Russia investigation wraps up.”

Spicer Fumbles Apology for Hitler Remarks by Defending Darth Vader and Lord Sauron

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer ignited a feverish backlash in the Jewish community on Tuesday when he invoked a defense of Hitler to suggest that Syrian President Bashar al-Assad’s atrocities surpassed those of the Nazis. Spicer’s ill-timed comments took place during Passover, the most celebrated Jewish holiday in the United States. Critics pointed out that these seemingly insensitive remarks were part of a larger anti-Semitic rhetoric used by members of the Trump administration. Late Tuesday evening, in a disastrous attempt to apologize and clarify his intentions, Spicer ended up defending Darth Vader and Lord Sauron. Civil rights groups across the country have since demanded Spicer’s resignation.

Pence Orders Special Enclosures to Protect Him When Left Alone with Women

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Vice President Mike Pence was attended to by paramedics and briefly hospitalized this weekend, according to eyewitness reports. The incident occurred at a quiet D.C. bistro on Sunday afternoon. Pence arrived for lunch before his wife, and was seated alone by a female server. Without the spiritual protection of his spouse, Mr. Pence was overcome by the lewd aura of the waitress, which culminated in a severe panic attack. Because similar encounters are more likely to occur, given Pence’s expanded role in government, White House officials announced that they would be designing a protective, portable enclosure for the vice president, similar to the popemobile.

Second White House Intrusion: Devin Nunes Sneaks Onto Grounds, Undetected for Hours

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Just weeks after the Secret Service apprehended a schizophrenic man for illegally entering the White House grounds, another “bizarre” and “loopy” individual has come forward with an admission of bypassing security at the presidential estate. Authorities say this latest breach far exceeds the previous encounter because the suspect, House Intelligence Committee Chairman Rep. Devin Nunes, entered the Eisenhower Executive Office building, accessed privileged information and remained onsite for hours, without being detected. He is still free and at large.

Trump Budget Ends Fascist Marine Sanctuaries, Saves Oil Spilling and Trash Dumping Jobs

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In September 2014, former President Barack Obama again abused his executive privileges by unilaterally issuing a series of measures to shelter parts of the ocean from businesses, pushing the United States closer to economic ruin and communism. The misguided marine sanctuaries protect wide regions of the central Pacific from fishing, oil exploration and waste disposal enterprises -- powerful market sectors that must be revived to repair Obama’s depressed economy and restore employment to “billions of out-of-work Americans,” according to President Trump. His recently released budget plan aims to overcome these setbacks. Trump’s morally motivated cuts to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, and other environmental agencies, will seek to end the insidious “ecological fascism” that is eroding America’s greatness through the destruction of corporate fishing, oil spilling and trash dumping industries.

Trump Budget Slashes Tires of Meals on Wheels, Solves ACA Death Panel Failure

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- President Trump’s proposed budget, “America First: A Budget Blueprint to Make America Great Again,” may seem austere and disproportionately attuned to the needs of the military industrial complex, but the White House views its hardline approach as a “compassionate” and deeply patriotic plan, even though it eliminates funding for the arts, sciences, environment, education, healthcare and geriatric support programs such as Meals on Wheels. Trump’s cabinet assured the public that the new blueprint will restore America to the days of its past grandeur: a time of epic wars with foreign powers, a thriving economy based on defense spending and more reasonable limits on the lifespans of persistently lingering seniors who are depriving the nation’s underemployed Millennials of greater opportunities.

Trump Honors International Women’s Day with Jobs for Chinese Escorts

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Bill Clinton was once referred to as America’s “first black president” by Nobel prize-winning author Toni Morrison and Sen. Bernie Sanders. Barack Obama, according to respected Republican pundits, was the nation’s second black president and the first foreign-born Islamic jihadist to occupy the White House. Our latest commander-in-chief has demonstrated a lifetime of profound respect and passion for women. It would be insulting not to brand Trump the country’s “first female president.” And this International Women’s Day, his global ambitions were realized as China approved 38 Trump business trademarks, including one for escort services. “With this terrific deal, we can help get Chinese women out of the sweatshops and into the glamorous, lucrative field of prostitution,” the president said, wiping a proud tear from his eye.

Wiretap Exposes Trump Ties to Russia: Victim of Nigerian-style Email Scam

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The Twittersphere erupted in a calamitous fusillade of angry posts on Saturday by President Donald Trump, who accused former President Barack Obama of ordering a Nixon-era wiretap on the Trump Tower offices in October. Legal experts pointed out several problems with the chief executive’s understanding of wiretapping protocols. Only a federal judge can authorize such an action, and only when a preponderance of evidence suggests criminal wrongdoing or treason -- in this case, the supposed collusion between Trump team members and operatives in Moscow. However, in a stunning revelation on Monday, undisclosed sources from the National Security Agency (NSA) verified a connection but cautioned that Trump and his colleagues may be innocent of treason. The current opinion is that the real estate magnate, in a desperate ploy to save his dwindling fortune, fell victim to a Nigerian email-type scam that originated in Russia.

Attorney General Sessions Most Qualified to Lead Russia Inquiry of Sen. Sessions

EDITORIAL: REFUSE TO RECUSE -- Yet to complete a full month in his new role, Attorney General Jeff Sessions has found himself embroiled in controversy for failing to disclose at his confirmation hearing two conversations in 2016 with Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak. On Thursday, amid a flurry of outrage from partisan Democrats, who called for his resignation, some timid Republicans caved to political pressure and suggested that Sessions recuse himself from the investigation into alleged ties between the Kremlin and the White House. The attacks against one of America’s most lauded legislators stinks of the same “much ado about nothing” indignation that arose from an innocent photo of Kellyanne Conway attempting to locate Frederick Douglass during an Oval Office meeting with black higher education leaders. There are countless inconsistencies that lawmakers are ignoring. In fact, Attorney General Sessions is the most qualified person to oversee inquiries into the actions of Senator Sessions. He alone has critical information that remains hidden from others.

Trump Teases Massive Military Rearmament at CPAC, Full Speech Leaked

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- This week’s gathering of the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), the platform that helped launch Trump’s rise to the presidency and gave voice to his “America’s first” agenda, was a rousing and revealing affair. On Thursday, acting President Steve Bannon agreed to a rare interview with Matt Schlapp, head of the American Conservative Union. Bannon rarely addresses the press or makes public appearances, due in large part to his one-hour window of sobriety each day. On Friday, Co-President Trump energized the crowd with a firm pledge to lead a new era of rearmament in America. His fiery promises to close the borders and shore up the nation’s military drew rounds of applause. Trump will outline larger plans before Congress on Tuesday. The Evening Transcript has secured a leaked draft of that speech, penned by Bannon.

Sweden's Last Night: How a Country Perished in Secret

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Late Friday evening, Sweden, the Scandinavian jewel of economic strength and social prosperity, crumbled under a devastating wave of terror attacks. Although intelligence agencies, dishonest media and Sweden’s former leaders attempted to cover up the demise of the country, U.S. President Donald Trump broke the news on Saturday at a campaign-style rally in Florida. Among the dead were a renowned chef, award-winning auto manufacturers and entertainers from the thriving porn industry. Despite the world’s efforts to downplay or even deny the destruction, Trump remained steadfast in promoting the truth. The massive subterfuge was so well orchestrated that most surviving Swedes appeared baffled that anything had happened. But the evidence is overwhelming, and the fallout could affect America’s economy, particularly as powerful retailers like IKEA shift business models to address the crisis.

Puzder Withdraws from Labor, Carl’s Jr. Scraps Ivanka Trump Glamor Meal

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Donald Trump’s angst-ridden, improvised and largely incoherent press conference Thursday underscored the frazzled state of his administration. The president has lost substantial ground on key issues and cabinet appointments. Courts have refused to reinstate the contentious Muslim travel ban, stores everywhere are ditching Trump brands, Michael Flynn tendered his resignation and Andrew Puzder, Trump’s pick for labor secretary, withdrew as a nominee. Puzder was formerly chief executive of CKE Enterprises, which owns fast food mainstays Carl’s Jr. and Hardee’s. However, his departure has unintentionally delivered another devastating blow. Without Puzder in office to oversee the massive workforce reforms promised to restaurant industry leaders, CKE announced that it would no longer be pursuing the Ivanka Trump Glamor Meal -- a desperate, last-ditch attempt to save the First Daughter’s failing fashion line.

Success of Rule 19 Against Warren Inspires Trump’s Bizarre Order 66

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Tuesday evening, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell invoked an arcane parliamentary procedure, Rule 19, to silence Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass.) from protesting Jeff Sessions’ imminent confirmation as U.S. Attorney General. Warren, a known rabble-rouser in Congress, agitated Sen. Steve Daines (R-Mont.) thirty minutes before, while he was presiding over the Senate, for which she received a stern warning about impugning a colleague. Warren did not attack Sessions’ reputation directly; she instead read from an impassioned 1986 letter, written by Coretta Scott King to the Judiciary Committee, calling on members to oppose Sessions as a federal judge. The success of Rule 19, now referred to by the Trump administration as the “putting uppity harpies back in their place” maneuver, has inspired the president to ask acting Co-President Bannon when he can execute Order 66.