Thursday, February 9, 2017

Trump Threatens to Call in Feds After Nordstrom Attacks Ivanka


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On February 2, Nordstrom announced that it would stop carrying merchandise produced under Ivanka Trump’s label because of poor performance and declining sales. Just days later, the president fired back at the luxury retailer for dropping his daughter’s brand. The bizarre reaction drew fire from critics who accused Trump of violating ethics rules, using his office to settle business disputes and for abandoning an intelligence briefing to chastise the prominent department store. However, as Sean Spicer told the press, Nordstrom’s decision was a personal attack on the president -- a felony crime that warranted an immediate response. Since then, millions of Americans have rallied behind the treasonous company, forcing Trump to issue a warning on Thursday that he may “call in the Feds.”

Nordstrom: “Reinvent Yourself” as a Traitor and Terrorist

“My daughter Ivanka has been treated so unfairly by @Nordstrom. She is a great person -- always pushing me to do the right thing! Terrible!” Trump tweeted Wednesday morning. Trump then reposted the message on his official @POTUS account, which reaches an additional 1.5 million followers.

Though it seemed to uninformed liberals and the dishonest media that Trump, the “jobs president,” had leveraged his power to crush a business that refused to support his daughter’s Chinese-made apparel, the real issue is more nuanced. Bradd Jaffy, of the New York Times, published Press Secretary Spicer’s defense of Trump during a briefing, which revealed the depth of Nordstrom’s crime.

“I think this is less about his family business and an attack on his daughter. He ran for president; he won; he’s leading this country. And I think for people to take out their concern about his actions or his executive orders on members of his family, he has every right to stand up for his family and applaud their business activities, their success. […]

“For someone to take out their concern with his policies on a family member of his is not acceptable and the president has every right as a father to stand up to them.”

Threatening the president is a class E felony under United States Code Title 18, Section 871, which involves a person or organization knowingly and willfully making “any threat to take the life, to kidnap, or to inflict bodily harm upon the President of the United States.”

As a business leader, Donald Trump has suffered through trying and economically devastating downturns. In one year alone, his lackluster enterprise hemorrhaged $916 million in losses. He then steered six companies into bankruptcy, further compounding his corporate travails. After Trump’s ouster as host of the initially successful reality show “The Apprentice,” his troubles soared. Mother Jones reported that during the campaign last spring, “Trump ended the month of May with $1.28 million on hand. That’s disastrous. It’s unbelievable. It’s less than a tenth of what he should have. It’s less than a well-run congressional campaign should have. It’s $40 million less than Hillary Clinton's campaign has.”

Ivanka’s deal with Nordstrom became one of the last monetary threads holding the crumbling Trump fortune together. By destroying that revenue source, Nordstrom “willfully” obliterated the president’s income stream. As Sean Spicer explained, these actions could be interpreted as direct assaults on Trump’s life and health.

“Donald Trump has ruined nearly every business opportunity he’s ever had,” Spicer said. “Two days ago, a Canadian bankruptcy judged placed the Trump Tower in Toronto into receivership. It’s only been open four years, and now it’s bust. You know what the losses are on a gaudy, tacky, 65-story monument to self-indulgence? A lot. Then there’s the issue of stable employment. Let’s face it, Trump is basically a temp on a one-year assignment. Once that’s over, and with no money coming in, he could starve to death or kill himself. He’ll no longer have access to medical care, because we’re also gutting the Affordable Care Act right now. Same with food stamps. So yes, Nordstrom’s actions constitute a direct threat on the president’s life and physical wellbeing.”

Nordstrom’s Act of War: Attacking Ivanka, the Czech Embodiment of America

In his incredibly short time as Commander-in-Chief, Trump has faced down countless conflicts. On February 2, Mexico’s refusal to fund a wall that would prevent its people from visiting the United States led Trump to intimate an armed response.

According to an excerpt of the conversation obtained by the Associated Press: “President Donald Trump warned in a phone call with his Mexican counterpart that he was ready to send U.S. troops to stop ‘bad hombres down there’ unless the Mexican military does more to control them.”

On January 25, Trump also found himself confronted with the possibility of sending federal authorities into Chicago to combat a surge in violence. As Spicer revealed this week, citing Trump’s address to the National Sheriff’s Association, “The murder rate in our country is the highest it’s been in 47 years.”

Spicer blamed Chicago directly, divulging a shocking and previously classified figure. “While Obama, a resident of Chicago, hid the statistics from the public, we want Americans to understand that this one city is responsible for the deaths of over 10 trillion people. It’s gotten so bad that local police have fled their jobs and every branch of law enforcement there has ceased operations.”

Without a massive wall to surround Chicago and contain its inner-city vermin, the possibility of violence spilling over and jeopardizing the rest of the country became imminent. Trump informed the mayor via Twitter he would “send in the Feds!” if the city could no longer staunch the bloodshed. Now, with the president and his family under direct attack from Nordstrom, the peril has reached critical mass.

“When you see all the celebrities and other people supporting Nordstrom, driving its stock up, you see just how ugly this country really is,” Trump said. “Just an ugly, nasty, disgusting country. Thank God Ivanka’s mom was Czech. Otherwise, what values would my precious, luscious, super yummy daughter have? I won’t sit by and let some failing, overpriced K-mart attack this nation’s leadership or the embodiment of the Eastern European values that will make America great again. Since the jackbooted, goose-stepping Nordstrom gestapo refuses to surrender, I will be calling in the Feds and ending this reign of terror immediately.”

(c) 2017. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. All articles are works of satire. See disclaimers.

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